Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Yogi

    Yogi New Member

    Hi Professor,

    I read your dairy and I appreciate it because like you I am also a meditator and it seems we have a lot in common. One excerpt from your dairy really struck me:
    I've had exactly the same insight about porn. I've always used it as a way of 'rewarding' myself, giving myself that little something. What harm will it do? But like you say, it's only myself that I am really harming. I feel because I have developed some more love towards myself that I am able to kick this addiction.

    Yes it's so hard to share your experiences with other's isn't it? When you quite cocaine everyone will understand that you are going through a difficult time. And it's kind of cool also isn't it? But not so for porn addiction. It's one of the reasons also for me to want to quite. The fact of having this hidden life that you can't tell anyone about.

    I also recognize what you say about depression, yes the dopamine shots keep so much hidden, most of all feelings.

    Anyway, I'll keep track of your dairy, it's really wonderful 23 days!!! I hope I'll be there soon as well.

    Keep it up!! greetings,

  2. abaabaaba

    abaabaaba Member

    I come to realize the same thing. In my case, old times i'v used games and now is porn. I'm addicted to internet too (since i work with computers, this is hard to overcome)
    Good luck.
  3. shaialud

    shaialud New Member

    Hey Professor Chaos, I enjoyed reading your journal. Loved the story about the Cherokee, it reminded me of the Bhagavad Gita. Have you read it? I thought you might have, since you are into meditation like me.
    Also, I related to your bit about realizing how you used P to mask other issues in your life. I do the same. It's an easy way to cope with anything difficult. But it does not resolve anything though and only makes things worse. I've been trying to pay attention to any trigger for P lately and life obstacles are definitely one. Once you become aware of it and expect it, it's easier to avert.
    Anyway, congrats on your progress so far and good luck!
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    So I just clicked on a NSFW link and saw some nudes. Closed the tab once I realized what I was doing. I didn't feel any sexual feelings, just a bit of shock. I realized how I had rationalized that the site most likely just contained a few bikini pics. Instead it contained nudity. It wasn't really P, but I was getting close. I don't think it counts as PMO for me as I know what I go straight to when I want my 'hit' and this wasn't it. Also resisting my counter would set me on a full binge.

    I can feel how bored I am by everything. My mum has become quite worried about be. I seem to be getting more and more catatonic. Just seem to lose all motivation, even to eat. I don't think this has just to do with P, but rather seeing what's under the scab. I've been down before, but never this low. Never such negative and destructive thought patterns. To be honest, I'm pretty scared.

    Other times, I'm fine and get all fired up about a new project, only to forget about it two or three days later and fall into a slump. I think I need to move out of home. 35, Single, unemployed, living at home with mum, should be no wonder I'm feeling down.

    Thanks for the supportive posts. It feels good having you gang on board.

    @Yogi, Yes, trying to quit Internet Porn doesn't seem to have the same rock n roll feel that quitting Class A drugs does.

    @Lonely Wolf - It's hard when computers are part of our lives and also how we connect to people.

    @shaialud - I haven't read Bhagavad Gita, but I'll add it to my reading list.

  5. sickbump

    sickbump Member

    I understand. I was raised to never want to let go of my parents, so I stayed with them until both have died, and to this day I'm living in the same apartment I have lived in for 35 years. It's the same no-tomorrow lowlife feeling. And they say I should move out. Right. Like it's that easy after 35 years.
    I hope you are going strong. Heads up!
  6. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.


  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    So I went to see the doctor yesterday. She ran through a questionnaire and I got diagnosed with Depression. At least, where I live, it means I can get some help. I had a long chat to my brother the other day, which was very helpful. I've also decided to move out home. Very close to where I'm living now, but I need to get out. I need to start a fresh. Lean into my fears.

    The main thing I'm battling at the moment is tiredness and lethargy. I'm battling this by trying to keep active and visiting my friends. As long as I keep moving. Strange how peeling back this layer has exposed something rotten underneath. Well now I can at least deal with it. I've had some pretty strong urges recently and I can feel echoes of old thoughts, but they come less and less now and are not as strong. However, they are like ghosts that haunt me.

    I'm noticing a slight spike in my sex drive and I had some strong sexual dreams last night. Rather than being fantasies these were almost like old sexual memories. Woke up at full attention. I'm still trying to decide if I should be sexually active while trying to beat this thing.

    I've had to cut back on my meditation as it seems to be impossible to concentrate and my head-chatter is really strong. I had no idea that when I started this path that this is where it would lead.

    I hope you are all doing well battling your own demons.


  8. Yogi

    Yogi New Member

    Hi PC,

    it's funny isn't it? In the beginning you think your life will be so much easier when you drop the addiction. You read all these great succes stories and how people have more energy etc... But then as you stop, you start to actually see your life for what it is. All the feelings that have been suprressed come up. There is only two ways it can go. Either you start to really deal with what's wrong in your life, or you relapse and start supressing everything. But the dealing with things is really hard!!!

    Anyway I am really just telling my own story here. I am having a similar experience to yours. I wouldn't say it's depression, the past few days for me felt a bit like a crisis. A sudden realisation of how lonely I really feel. All this time this has been covered up.

    The main difference with being in the addiction is, even though it's harder, it's less hopeless. There is a direction. For me what is starting to emerge is that I am thinking more in the long term. Almost as if those frontal lobes of the brain are becoming more active. I beginning to take some charge of my own life rather than just surviving.

    Well, I hope you start feeling better soon, and if not, at least to gain some more insight and not relapsing!!


    Bezoechow likes this.
  9. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    I can relate.... initial feelings of happiness when starting the reboot.... then a sense of nothingness, exhaustion... not being able to see a positive future... it does ease and you come through it. For me I was hit with a very powerful sense of shame and guilt for how I treated my ex while addicted...also sadness about the passing of time... It does feel quite euphoric though when you do start to take steps towards building a new life for yourself. Moving out, even talking to your brother and seeing the doctor, all very positive and brave. Well done, take care of yourself..
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    8) Day 30 8)

    So I made it to day 30. Well if this hasn't been one of the toughest rides I've ever been on. At first it was plain sailing. I had very little problems and a bit of flatlining. By the end of 30 days I was mentally broken down. I'd taken away my last vice and distraction in the world and my mind seemed to collapse in on itself. Heavy negative thought chatter, extreme lethargy, silent treatment to my family, angry, frustration, no energy, lack of motivation and panic attacks were all hiding bellow the surface. I felt the strong pull of P on several occasions, yesterday was one of the toughest. Edging around youtube looking at videos of my favourite fetish.

    I moved out of my mum's place yesterday and started flatting with a friend who lived a couple of suburbs over. It was like I was battling a demon that sucked the life and energy out of me to try and move house. Everything took forever, I had to keep lying down and then force myself to get up. I would have small minor panic attacks in the car. I would keep catching myself spewing out negative and hateful thoughts. But I did it. I'm sitting in my new room and I feel much better. The day is amazing outside and just having people around who share my interests and are exciting and positive. I feel like my energy is returning.

    I have an appointment with a counsellor this afternoon as a result of my doctors visit. I think I'll still go to this, but I feel so much stronger, so much more... me. As though I have come out of a dark tunnel. I don't have much desire at the moment, but I think this summer will be a good one. There's a temptation for me to want to bury myself in another project, but I think being a workaholic is part of the problem. I was trying to think of the last time I took an actual holiday and didn't just run around like a madman. When I actually took time to rest. I think this is what's needed a chance to recharge the batteries. Taking care of myself.

    Thank you to everyone for your support. My next goal is 90 days. But I'm feeling better already. It's always darkest before the dawn. There are more battles ahead.

    Thanks for reading.

  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    So I relapsed today. Feel like a fool. But at the same time sort of relaxed. Like, I now know what I was missing and it wasn't really worth it. I could feel the pressure building and I floundered. My new flat doesn't have the same filters on it as my old place. I feel kinda dirty right now, but not aweful. Hopefully this won't push me further into depression. Gonna reset my counter. Does anyone have any tips for overcoming a relapse. I feel foolish. I guess I just wanted to see what I was missing.


  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    So the wheels have come off the wagon, as they say.

    I've spent the past three days looking a P. The strange thing is, that I don't feel disappointed in myself. I sort of feel normal. What happened was that the O felt so good, that the next morning I felt great. All the symptoms of my depression were gone. So were the headaches and the discomfort. I felt really great. I felt like 'myself'. I noticed the negative self talk was gone too. I felt more style. When I first lapsed, I O'd 3 times that night. Next day I PMO'd and I just finished another session about an hour or so ago. I keep having to resist my timer.

    I went on a sort of date with this German girl and she started to tell me she was still in love with her ex. It's like I have anti-game at the moment and I've been deliberately blowing opportunities for myself with girls that I like. That depressed me and sent me home to look at P. I just didn't want to feel anymore. Other women that I have no desire to be with are throwing themselves at me and I have no interest. I feel bored, lonely and down at the moment. There's a strange numbness, that I'm so used to, it feels good. It feels familiar and I don't have a part of me telling me to harm myself.

    I really don't think I can beat this by myself. I also don't know if it's something I need to beat. I say that, but then I remember looking at P while I was Skyping with my brother. This dis-interested look on my face, waiting for the call to finish so that I could finish myself. I even went for a run today and could feel like I could start working out again. It's like I have my old self back. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to go for another month without P. It hurt my family watching me fall apart and I was next to useless to everyone. Part of my rationalization at the moment is that this is just my 'thing'.

    I don't drink, smoke or use drugs, so this is just what I do for fun. No one gets hurt and no one really needs to know. Isn't it better that I feel at least a base-line level of happiness than feeling so down I can't move. OK, confused brain dump almost over. I'm lacking clarity at the moment and right now feeling kinda numb. Not sure if I will PMO again today. It's possible. <sigh>

    Merton likes this.
  13. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    Professor Chaos,
    I understand what you're saying but I don't like what I'm hearing. You're rationalizing. And of course, as always with rationalizing, there is a part which is true, I'm sure. I recount a similar experience with the feeling of "coming home." I remember one time when I, after quite a time of a new, active life, set foot in a porn movie theater again... I felt this warm, cozy feeling of coming back home when I let myself fall down on one of those sleazy armchairs, could here the moaning, smell the sweat and semen in the air...
    Pathetic. Fact is, this shitty stable was my home for so long, I often preferred it over real life. When I step back, realize where I am I wonder: how the hell did I end up here?!

    Having said that, I do not want to belittle your experience, after all, depression is no pie. I remember a franciscan priest / streetworker once telling me that he doesn't think it's always the right thing to get addicts away from their stuff. After all, he said, many have ended up with this sort of drug in order to cope with some other crap in their lives. If you take their drug away, this whole crap can blow right back into their face - and seem even worse than the addiction...

    So I guess my point is: don't be surprised if no-PMO makes life seemingly worse for a while. In fact it's well possible that a whole lot of things come up from your life. Things that need to be taken care of. So in that context I was wondering: How did that meeting with the counselor go you mentioned a couple days back?

    Bezoechow likes this.
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thank you for the replies, Truerttw and FindingSanctuary. I suspect you may be right. I think I might be in a deep stage of rationalization. When I'm 'sobre' I have no desire to look at anything. What I did notice was that I seemed to be wanting the easy way out. Like I'll rationalize, see I've made it to 30 days, So I'm not addicted.

    I think what shocked me the most about relapsing was how STRONG a physical effect it had on me. My heart rate was pounding in my chest so much my laptop was moving. What I'm most afraid of is that I've been doing this so long, that I don't know how to enjoy anything else. That nothing else feels as good. I came home last night from sitting at a bar by myself. I didn't even have the balls to talk to anyone and I had just read FindingSanctuary's post on my phone.

    The realization is that I've been gifted so much in my life, I've never really had to fight for anything. I just get an opportunity when it comes up, and work really hard at it. Deep inside I don't feel like I have much 'fight' in me. This is a battle, a real fight. It's not just a matter of 'cutting myself off' which I am really good at, but rather fighting deeper inner demons of doubt.

    At the moment, I've stopped meditating as well. I might get back to that again soon.

    FindingSanctuary, my meeting with counselor went really well. I have a meeting with her again this coming Monday. She got me to do a few exercises and had me feeling there was some hope. Going into a bit of family stuff and a few other things. She seemed very kind and compassionate. It's pretty easy for me to open up, but it was a bit of a brain dump.

    Thank you for support. I think I'm going to do this as other addicts face their addition. One day at a time. Today, No PMO.

  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Two days so far. I'm feeling good. Went camping over the weekend. Saw some beautiful scenery and still feeling a bit numb. I know it's going to be a tough ride up the mountain again. Going to see counsellor tomorrow morning.

  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Session went well with counselor. Connected a lot of the dots, I could suddenly see clear links and patterns in my life. Certainly could see how P fitted into the whole dynamic. Started to notice a patterns of starve, then binge in a lot of things that I do. Wether it's work, relationships, pleasure, even my sex life. Links back to family life, as it always usually does. Been given some good relaxation exercises to do.

    I also just blocked the most frequently visited sites on my mac laptop by following these steps.

    That was the chink in the armour last time. Just having that extra layer of 'protection' feels really good. It means I'll have to go through more steps which gives me more changes to turn back. It's interesting that when I did lapse, I hovered over the 'enter' button for a while, with my heart racing at the 'warning' screen of my favourite site. I could feel an intense battle and I alt-tabbed away a couple of times. I also installed a program called 'self control' which does a similar thing. I think this well help me get some more work done, by blocking Facebook and other distractions.

    I'm off to go and join some friends for snacks and a movie. Starting to see a way out of the fog. Thank you everyone for sticking by me.

  17. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    As TruettW mentions, I, too, remember that feeling with the heart racing - for me I remember it explicitly in front of the P-Movie Theater... And then this calming feeling of "coming home" after I actually set foot inside. What a dirty shitty "home" I had chosen to live in over those years....

    Good to hear about the sessions with the counselor, and glad that you can connect the dots. Question: do you bring PMO up to her/him? I remember a time in my life when I went to see a therapist, and I always thought I "should" bring it up for him to be able to better understand me - but never did. I think it was bc I was afraid he didn't think it'd be a problem, but "normal". Still wish I did have, though... :)

    Walk on!
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hi FindingSanctuary,

    Yes, I did bring it up. It was hard to do and I couldn't maintain eye-contact while I did it. But I thought it was important.

    Met a cute Russian girl yesterday. Got digits so could be interesting if that goes somewhere. She was very sweet.

    Today the headaches are back and I was unable to finish a gym workout. Part of the pattern I'm noticing is that my old motivation for things was based on trying to impress people and alternately worrying about what people thought. Normally I would have finished the class so as to 'not show weakness' or worrying about what everyone in the course thought of me being there. Basically non-sense like that. I keep catching myself doing it.

    I've started to find things funnier and I'm more attracted to real women. I also notice my sense of self worth has improved. Doing things 'for me'. But the lack of energy in back again. So is the search for stimulation. ie.

    Celebrity media sites --> Bikini Pictures --> Celebrity pics ---> Browsing image galleries. Just jumped off a 4chan, even though I know it's a slippery slope so I closed my browser after seeing some very NSFW pics. Stupid how your brain just rationalizes. I wish these headaches would stop. Today I have nothing planned so watching Music Videos on TV. Think I'll go for a walk to get outside and try and snap myself out of my gloom.

    Normally I'm a lot more positive than this. I'm determined to get better. I want to feel whole again.

  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Just re-read my journal. It really helps not just as a record, but also a reminder of what I'm going through and what I've been though. Christmas has been a bit of an upheaval, but I think I handled it well. It can be a stressful time for a lot of people and I know that it could have been a problem, but it's good to be busy while family is in town.

    I've had very little urge to PMO. Certainly not as strong as earlier in the month. I can feel how weak that urge has become. It's interesting with a lack of interest in PMO I have more time on my hands to do other things, even still, each day seems to be a struggle. I'm sleeping a lot and not eating. I have no food in the house and I think I might be slipping back into some old, bad eating habbits. Basically not eating all day, then binging on food. (junk food mostly)

    I no longer eat meat, so my diet has been adjusting to that. Need to start taking better care of myself.

    I think I might be going through a second flatline as I have very little to no interest in sex.

  20. JW86

    JW86 New Member

    Hey, man.

    Just want to say thank you for posting on my thread. I appreciate it when someone a little older shows up and gives me a little perspective, like I attempt to do on the 19s and under forum.

    I started a new gym routine when I first began this voyage into No-MO. I found that it is the routines of things I love that keep me going. So going to the gym three times a week, and meditating twice a day, are the cornerstone for me at the moments.

    Love the description of the camping trip. It actually reminds me of when I was younger at a house-party with schoolfriends. Ended up sleeping, with a girl each side, curled up to me. However, what I also remember is that when one girl started touching the front of my body, I got VERY hard.. that is the magic we all need back!

    So yeah, just to say I appreciate your posts here and enjoy your contribution. All the best.


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