Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 9

    Today is going to be tough. My wife and little girl are with her family. According to government hotline we are able to access her family for daycare. Today is the lowest I have felt. I need to tread carefully. I can feel the background noise of previous relapses echoing in my head. My wife and baby will be gone for over a week. I am working from home and home alone. We are still in lockdown. I’ve had both doses for the vaccine and am fully vaccinated. I miss them already.

    I need to stay on my toes as so many of my triggers are in place. Locked down my browsers for work. Would love to hear from anyone who knows how to disable Microsoft edge or at least block it from being able to access the web.

    thanks again for everyone’s support, I hate being in this space, but here we are. Sending hope to you all.

    PC.
     
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 10

    This week is going to be a battle of increments. Minutes, the hours that add up to days. I can feel it’s going to be tough. I can feel the listless energy that comes with a relapse. The lack of focus combined with a scrambling of my thought processes. Values are out the window and my unconscious is acting out in subtle ways. Slow and steady will win this race.

    Short term goal: make it to the weekend.
    Long term goal: make it to next Thursday.

    PC.
     
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    You already showed that you are very strong, PC. You can do it again.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thanks Luke. You are indeed good luck. I read this right when i needed to. Made it through the day.

    PC.
     
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    What’s driving you PC?
    How do you find the motivation to fight?

    also, how do you fight? Any specific techniques you’re using?

    would like to hear as I’m losing my battle.
     
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    so sorry to hear that my friend. Here are a couple of things I do.

    mindset: every day without P is a win. Everyday I get back because of no fap Is a success. It’s not about the relapses. It’s the hours days and years of your life you get back.

    analysis your relapses: look for patterns and try to break them. How easy is it for you to access P right now? If you can, make it harder. Give yourself more chances to turn back.

    non- digital time: spend as much time away from digital spaces as you can. Write, draw play an instrument. Anything that doesn’t involve a phone or computer (hard these days, but not impossible.)

    awareness: mediate (or pray) and try to calm yourself if you know you are agitated and want to look at P. Don’t fight the thoughts, fight the feeling. Just set small goals if you find yourself off track. One hour, two the rest of the afternoon. Short term goals add up. Hope that helps.

    PC.
     
  7. Old Tom Bombadil

    Old Tom Bombadil Active Member

    Hi PC and BwB,
    I too am struggling and really like PCs list of things to do. Most I guess I have read before but just to have them listed under four headings really help especially no digital time and making P harder to access. All best,
    Tom
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Professor Chaos like this.
  8. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to reply PC!
    The non-digital time is great advice. I spent A LOT of time behind the computer now that I’m single again. Looking for an offline hobby would be good for me.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Professor Chaos like this.
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 14

    No problem guys. It doesn’t need to be anything major. It can be just as simple as reading a book on a subject you are interested in. I recommend something NOT self help related or too triggering (like GoT) but find an author or set of books that you really respond to. It’s a really good thing to grab and just into another room, especially if you are in a heightened (horny) state and want yo relax.

    Made it pretty comfortably through the weekend. Having my wife and baby home keep me busy and make me very happy. Reconnected with some old friends and doing my best to check in with people during the lock down. Watching our for BLAST which I posted about a while back. Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed, Tired.

    Peace to you all.
    PC.
     
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 16

    I’m alone for two nights. Need to be extra vigilant. Take it easy and breath deeply if I feel stressed or feel ‘The Pull’. So far so good. Doing better than I did on my previous streak. This journal helping me stay accountable.

    PC.
     
  11. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    This was a great post PC, thank you sir
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 18.

    Rattling the bars today. I can feel my use of YouTube moving towards slightly risky content. The algorithm is responding. Wanting me to stay hooked. Gonna log it off for the rest of the afternoon. Need to breath and relax. Missed my yoga this morning. Might do a lunch time session.

    Have work I should be doing. Gotta focus.

    PC.
     
  13. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Distraction Free Youtube could be a nice thing for you. It's an extension that allows cutting the old tubes to size.

    Disable autplay, disable recommended, comments et al. I have it on the Mozillas.
     
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the tip. I will check that out!

    PC.
     
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 20

    Rattling the cage today. By that I mean acting out and testing limits of filters. Searching for keywords that are ‘harmless’. My mind having flashes of craving. This is around the time the withdrawal really kicks in. Need to be careful.

    On a positive note, had some beautiful and very passionate intimate time with my partner last night. Re-wiring the desire back to something more healthy. Need to be on the alert for the chaser effect.

    Beautiful day outside. So much to be grateful for. Even if it’s just the air in my lungs.

    Wish me luck.

    PC.
     
  16. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Good luck man!
    Being grateful is an amazing thing. Thanks for the reminder on that.

    Happy to hear about the intimate time you had with your partner last night. That’s so much more valuable than the junk P is.
     
    Professor Chaos and Rudolf Geyse like this.
  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 22.

    Need to be careful as I am alone in the house. Also feeling a bit stressed. Can feel some heightened thinking in the background. Need to relax and maybe meditate for a bit. That’s a habit I have lost touch with. Back to basics.

    I was reading some of my old hand written journals over the weekend. Shocked at how scattered the writing and the thinking was. Can barely stay on the same thought for two sentences. Lots of berating myself and self flagellation. Lots of making plans and not following through. Hard to realize how much I’ve progressed over the years. I never wrote about my P use in that. Too ashamed. Glad to be past that.

    Deep breaths and some low fi music to chill me out. lofi.cafe is my current jam.

    Does anyone else have any go-tos to help them relax?

    Peace and chill beats all.

    PC
     
  18. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    I’ve written a little mantra that I repeat to myself when I’m stressed, and it works. Do it too, compose something that rhymes and has a good sonority, and that expresses an idea which relaxes and comforts you. Something about the ephemeral nature of things, maybe, or anything that speaks to you in a positive way.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Professor Chaos like this.
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    For me it’s worship music. Especially the instrumental kind really relaxes me and makes me be at peace.

    William Augusto has plenty of great calming music.
     
    Rudolf Geyse and Professor Chaos like this.
  20. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

Share This Page