Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    Good skill being able to tell the difference. Have fun going bump in the dark, safe travels!
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 128

    thanks guys. Definitely walked a fine line yesterday. Pretty much every safety net I had kicked into gear. Too much googling and sneaking a peak. Started with movie sex scenes. Then movie nudity. Then pop up ads. All the time I was lying to myself that I was in control and this was harmless. That has been a trap I have fallen into too many times.

    after locking away my phone and converting the computer into a changing table for the baby I was able to redirect my energy. Result in some really lovely intermittent time with my wife.

    still a little too close for comfort and a reminder that the price to be free of this is being constantly vigilant.

    BoughtWithBlood, Shady, Gil79 and 3 others like this.
  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 165

    Home sick from work. Funny how when I’m home alone, bored not feeling well my mind rolls over explicit content in my mind. It’s like you’re rolling your tongue over a sore tooth. But it’s not sore any more, you don’t feel anything.

    Its not that the craving is very strong. But it’s just sitting there. I don’t feel like this very often. I think this is just a cold and will pass soon. The baby is doing really well and growing steadily. I’m enjoying being a father and having a little family. Didn’t think it would be something I would ever experience.

    In spite of my sickness, I am really blessed. Just wanted to come on here and update how I’m feeling. Just realized I’ve crossed the five month threshold. It gets easier. If you are reading this and struggling, just hold on for another hour. It gets easier.

    Peace and strength to you all.
    Gil79, Bilbo Swaggins, Shady and 2 others like this.
  4. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great to read this and how well you’re doing!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 174

    had a dream that I relapsed the other night. But this time I stopped myself. I was reaching up to unlock the stash of P and I stopped myself.
    “Are you sure you want to do this?” I said to myself in the dream and then I woke up.

  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 180

    So that’s six months. Just re-reading some of my older entries. Really helps to be able to reflect on the journey and remind myself why I’m here.

    I was just about to write this update when I had a knock on the door from my wife. She wanted a cuddle, but it turned into kissing which turned onto other things.

    Noticed that I was very present and very connected to her. The experience was very intense. Much more connected to my body and each other. Not so much in my head. Very beautiful experience.

    I notice a longer and longer gap between posts on here and I think it’s because not using P has Become my new normal. I was thinking before how it turns sex into a spectator sport. That’s like watching someone else eat a meal or enjoy a hug. We are a strange species.

    I’m feeling pretty blissed out at the moment. I know things can turn on a dime and not to get complacent, I just want you all to know that it’s possible.

    Much love and respect.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 196

    Somethings up with my tracker. Think it might be busted. Anyone else having issues?

    writing on here to make myself accountable. Not going to lie, feeling very triggered right now. Was watching anime on YouTube and fast forwarding to the naughty bits. The only thing that interrupted was the arrival of dinner. Realized I felt strong pull to want to go into the bathroom and keep watching.

    Deleted the youtube app from my phone and am now battling strong urges. Was looking up content on Friday. Nothing serious, but seriously sexual. Tried to write off as harmless, yet today there was a pattern of escalation. I’m still proud of myself though. I realized what was happening and was able to stop myself from going further. Getting stronger.

    About to go to bed and a little voice was whispering I should jump on my iPad. You know. Just to see how the story finishes. But I know that voice. I know what that is. Taking a step back. I think I need a bit of a digital detox for a couple of days.

    Stay frosty friends.

  8. Bilbo Swaggins

    Bilbo Swaggins Well-Known Member

    Yeah, even after several months of abstinence, the thirst somehow remains intact. I personally almost never feel triggered, but it’s only because I mentally block anything that relates to porn. But if you gave me a free pass to watch porn without any bad consequences, I know my face would become red, my heart would pound real hard and my body would start shaking out of excitement. Will this ever go away? I doubt it. But we can live a PMO-free life nonetheless, I’m sure about it.

    Good luck, man. Stay strong.
    Pete McVries and Professor Chaos like this.
  9. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I have reddit blocked because of all the explicit shit there. Sometimes, when I encounter technical problems, google for solutions and find reddit threads, I think about unblocking reddit and in this very second, thoughts of checking out the P-subs enter my mind. Then I get the symptoms you described, take a second to think straight again and find solutions elsewhere. It's quite fascinating that the excitement does not get triggered by the p content itself but by the thought of seeking it, isn't it?
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hi Bilbo and Pete

    Yes, exactly this. I think it’s to do with the way the human brain works. It’s the same way casinos work. If you won every time or lost every time then you’d give up or get bored. But the prospect that you MIGHT win. That’s enough. The prospect that you MIGHT stumble across P is exciting. Oh I don’t think I see anything here... but I might.

    That tickles us in a certain way. The excuse is part of the searching, part of the hunt. If anyone caught you looking a cute girls insta profile, there’s nothing ‘wrong’ with that, we’d find a quick way to justify it, but I’m pretty sure I’d be red in the face if you caught me.

    We ‘know’ what we are doing on one level. The key thing is having enough space to identify and then move on. The problem isn’t the cookies when you’re on a diet, it’s that the cookies are in that packet just behind cereal.

    “I’m not going to eat one... I’m just going to take it out of the packet and look at it....

    oops. How did this empty packet get here?”

    The best defense is not having the cookies in the house in the first place.


    Bilbo Swaggins likes this.
  11. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    For problems with reddit/twitter/... I'd suggest using Pluckeye and blocking images and videos (and maybe allow the websites for an hour a day). This way you can read something on reddit, but there won't be any pictures.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Bonjour Lucky Luke,

    Good to hear from you, mate. (I loved that cartoon as a kid) that’s a great suggestion. I’ll check it out.

    Feeling very restless this morning and had a short depressive episode last night. Gotta keep an eye on my mental health. Lots of work to do.


  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 201

    Had a very vivid relapse dream last night. Not just internet P, but magazines and VHS tapes. My unconscious decided to have a retro relapse dream. Basically someone found my ‘stash’ and was going through it. I felt such shame and embarrassment that decided to relapse. I woke up wondering why I had deleted my digital P, but not my physical P. Also was wondering where someone got a VHS player from. Kind of hilarious in retrospect. Nothing quite like the relief that
    ‘it was just a dream.’

    Maybe it’s the full moon.

    Speaking of which, time to hit the sack as it’s getting late here.
    G’ night all
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 225

    High risk today. My partner and baby are out of the away visiting relatives for the last week. Had some vividly horny dreams last night. Woke up with morning wood twice. Just looked at some fleshy pics of Instagram. I’m lying to myself and telling myself I’m in control. Need to step back for an hour and regain my composure. Get dressed. Take a walk. Do some house cleaning. Need to be careful and tread carefully. Will update more soon.

  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great job coming on here to write about your struggles. Goodluck man. But I know you’ve got this.
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 0

    After three or four relapses in a row. I need to admit that I am in the hole. Two weeks clean and then everything collapsed again yesterday. It does doesn’t help that we have been plunged back into an uncertain lockdown. I’m exhausted after a lack of sleep and last week’s depression. But I will get back up. Even if this is a pattern I’ve faced before. This journal is one of the most important parts of my recovery. More update to follow.

  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Thanks for opening up to us. You’ve climbed out of this hole before and you can do it again! Praying for you my man
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    You too my friend. Thank you for your support.

    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  19. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    You had a good run, PC. It's important now not to think in terms of "now I'm back to 0 anyway, so a few more porn sessions won't do any additional harm".

    Like @BoughtWithBlood said, you did it before.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 8

    Small steps back to recovery. Week two always the toughest one to get through. Powering on. No withdrawal yet. That’s coming. Hopefully I can get further than I did previously.

    Rudolf Geyse and -Luke- like this.

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