Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 42

    Hi Forlon,

    Thanks for stopping by. I have been gradually getting back into running. Also cutting back on my sugar intake. The reason I’m not full steam ahead is that it’s the Christmas season so it’s a little hard to get a new routine started. Thank you for the encouragement.

    I am struggling a bit today. Last night and this morning I felt totally depressed. Was very slow and gluggy. I did some meditation and that really helped lift my spirits, but I can feel my restless mind pushing me towards temptation. It’s doing a good job of downplaying it too. I need to be more vigilant. Can I really be trusted when I am by myself?

    I really want to believe that I can. But I think if my mood is not stable then I may not have the will power to stay clean. I have written posts like this shortly before a relapse. Alarm bells should be ringing all over the show. I am feeling very tired, I know I will feel worse if I relapse. The first casualty is always sleep. I need to give this some thought. Will update again later today. Important to check in with my blog.

    Peace out.

  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I can really relate to the depressive feelings you describe here.

    You do well in remembering that if you do end up giving in to the rationalizations, it will only make things worst.

    Hopefully you're not alone for too long and you can handle it. It's normal that if you're not used to being on your own, you will feel more temptation when the chances occurs.

    Worst case, try to get out of the house perhaps. That's what I did yesterday...

    Good luck, you got this !
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 43

    Thanks man. My wife noticed I sounded really low and said I should come up early. I thought that was a good idea and drove up and joined them for dinner. Felt much more relaxed once I got there. Back home now so I need to be watchful. Waiting to pick family members up from the airport. Just a few more hours to go. Looking forward to having my family together for the holidays.

    peace and love to you all.
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 48

    on the 12th day of Christmas my true love gave to me, 48 days P Free. Hope everyone is doing well. Cooking smells at the other end of the house and my daughter fast asleep in the bassinet beside me. Looking forward to family Christmas.

    can feel myself searching and wanting a bit. Now that I am still I feel the craving in my chest. I hope for it to subside. Feeling a little starved of physical affection, but that’s normal when you become a dad. Hopefully there will be time later for afternoon cuddles.

    love to you all.
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 54

    Happy New Year All. Last year may have been a shocker, but it was also home to some of my longest streaks. Here’s hoping I can carry it through to the new year.

    wishing you all a safe, sane and happy start.

  6. Shady

    Shady Well-Known Member

    Happy New Year.
    Way to go starting the year strong. 56 days.
    Keep going.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 61

    That’s two months down. Just had my performance review at work. Was very encouraging and glowing. I am lucky to have a supportive employer and to be able to keep working during these unsettling times. Even got a bit of a pay bump. Posting on here also to remind myself why I am doing this and who I am doing this for.

    Hi Shady. Thanks for the encouraging words. Happy new year to you and yours.

  8. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Congrats on the 2 months and your review! Is there any way in which you foresee and anticipate on addiction difficulties?
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Complacency. That’s a big one. Also I have to be careful when I am home alone. (Like tonight)

    it’s important to come on here here I feel myself acting up. Reconnect with my values and remind myself why I am doing this.

    Good night all.

  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 67

    Yesterday was a really good day. Completed a complex creative project, went for run at lunch, dropped about 1 kg in body weight, played with my daughter and had some intimate time with the wife.

    That last one was important. We’ve been going through a dry spell because of the baby and general upheaval. Last night felt like old times, felt fully present, felt really connected afterwards. Reconnecting to real physical intimacy is a huge part of why I’m doing this.

    Today I am tired, but happy.

    Hope the rest of you are doing well.

  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 90.

    Three months down. P free for 2021. That’s the goal. Funny how we sometimes stumble before the finish line. Like today I was looking up some illustrations, but Pinterest is guiding me to more explicit content (most likely based on previous searches) as a result urges increase. That leads to more browsing. Stopping now to take stock. Thought I’d check my journal instead. Bam. 90 days. Gotta stay strong and keep the faith. Find other things for my mind to obsess over.

    hope you are all doing well. I will repeat the mantra. “I can look that up tomorrow”

  12. chrism

    chrism It's time to make a change.

    90 days is very impressive, as is stopping yourself from continuing on Pinterest.

    good effort!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Professor Chaos likes this.
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 99

    Three days at home by myself. Gonna need to stay vigilant. There are a lot of cues I need to watch out for. Just slipped a bit looking up some gifs of an actress I like. This is first stages acting out. I think I’m just tired and a bit bored. Will leave my phone in the lounge and not have it by my bed. If I see or notice any risky behavior I will come on here to report. Generally I’ll use an honor system if I notice any more issues. Locking down everything online bar work stuff. Remember, I can look at that tomorrow.

    stay strong my fellow travelers.

  15. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Looking up actresses from normal movies, even on IMDB, is one of my very early warning signs as well.

    Lately I've mindful to turn down even the most ''innocent'' ideas to go look for the name of an actress that I have seen in a movie. That's just a very easy way to start building up that snowball for me. That's why I put innocent in brackets.
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 104

    lol. I just came from the IMDB just now. I was looking up an old crush. Then cheeky thought popped into my head. I wonder if she’s done any nudes scenes. Then I noped out of there. Signed in here and read your comment. Extremely timely. Thank you so much for sharing. Let’s keep this PG.

  17. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    IMDB is also one of those harmless "entry-level" sites for me. I recently blocked images there.

    100+ days PC! That's really great. Keep up the good work!
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 119

    just looked at some triggering stuff on Pinterest. As per my personal trust policy, I’ve deleted the app until I feel I can be trusted again. Amazing how hard it is to stop once the ball starts rolling.

    luckly I have a long drive ahead of me, so that will help me reset somewhat. Gotta stay vigilant.

  19. dark red drifter vessel

    dark red drifter vessel Well-Known Member

    You nix any app that triggers you? That's thorough man, I like it. Safe travels.
    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 127

    I’m coming on here before I do something stupid. I can feel the stupidity creeping in. I don’t have control right now and I’ve been slowing turning the water up on myself. Hasn’t descended into a full on relapse, but I’ve lost control. I need at least two hours away from my phone and computer to regain it. I’m not going to lie to myself and say that I am driving. My addiction is driving.
    1. Switch phone off and put it in a drawer.
    2. Log off computer and shut it down for the rest of the day.
    I’m not screwing this up. I’m coming on here to be accountable. Wish me luck gentlemen. I’m going dark.

    PC out.

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