Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 4

    Thank you guys. I think that’s the catch right. It’s really hard for us (or in this case me) to see how far I’ve come. I think I just need to reconnect with myself. I just watched this amazing video on YouTube. (Link below) and it helped me a great deal. The main takeaway I took from it is that relapses happens from a lack of focus. I’ve been so focused on all the other chaos in my life that I stopped doing my own cares. I stopped taking the time to do my own recovery. The most important step being meditation and relaxation. I’ve been meditating all week and I could feel how anxious and distressed I was. It took me a while to settle into my breath, to wait for my mind to calm down.

    Your support and posts mean a tremendous amount to me. They really do help ground me again when I have wandered off the path and got lost in the weeds.

    I also really like the acronym one of the guys used. BLAST. As being a warning ⚠️ sign.
    Bored, Lonely, Angry, Stressed, Tired. That’s a really good one. Here’s a link to the video.


    Hope everyone is doing well. If anyone has tools or videos they can recommend, please feel free to post them.

    Kind regards,
    PC.
     
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  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 5.

    OK already gone longer than my last streak of a four days. Small victories are as important as the big ones. Been waking up at 4-5am and getting down to meditating. It helps a lot.

    I noticed that my sleep was rubbish leading up to the relapse. Sleep deprivation is a nasty thing. I feel proud of myself that in the past six months that I have not medicated with P. It’s only when I stopped moving that it reared it’s ugly head. A way of escaping the chaos of my own mind.

    P is just a symptom of imbalance. Being a parent is full of uncertainty, but I don’t want to be a parent who retreats from the world.

    I have also put on weight. The Covid kilos they call it. About 5kgs over what I’d like. Mostly around my belly. I need to get through the rest of this month and then need to start actioning my weight loss plan.

    this break of a week has taught me how important self care is. How much I need to look after myself and not sacrifice my own own health and sanity in order to be a parent.

    I am really looking forward to seeing my baby girl and my wife tomorrow. They are excited to see me. I feel very lucky. I know my previous post was pretty despairing but I think I was just in an emotionally low place.

    Right now I feel very far away from P. Like a distant memory. That is a huge red flag for me. I know from past experience that is calmest before the storm. I make a promise to myself to come on here and post if I feel strong urges.

    Peace and love, brothers (and sisters if you’re reading this)

    we will make it through this historic and wild year.

    love,
    PC.
     
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  3. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    This is a great idea. I do that and it helps a lot. But I think it's not enough, and you need a little more of a plan.

    You are right that sleep deprivation leads to making PMO easier. Try to take care of yourself by sleeping enough. If you don't sleep enough, maybe try avoiding being on the internet except for work.

    Do you have filtering on all your devices? I think that's one of the main things that's helped me refrain from porn. I also installed an extension to my web browsers that killed private browsing windows as soon as I opened them. That's been helpful too.

    I have never been a parent, but I hear it's pretty stressful. Stress can lead to relapse, too. Maybe take a parenting class or at least spend a lot of time discussing with the wife what you can do.

    I hope any of that helps.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 8

    That’s really helpful. Thank you. Do you have any links or recommendations to services or plug ins that you have used?

    kind regards,
    PC.


     
  5. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I'll tell you what I use. I use hosts file blocking. And I use it a lot, there's hundreds of entries in my hosts file block list, and I upload my hosts file to the other computer in the house when I update it (I haven't had to update it in a while). I use Reddit Nofap Panic Button on Firefox and Private Begone on Firefox and Incognito Blocker on Google Chrome. I think that's all the services and plugins I use. It's not hard to get around them, but the psychological barrier of putting them up did me a lot of good, and is one of the main things for my sobriety now.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thank you for taking the time to post these. I will definitely check them out.

    kind regards,
    PC
     
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 11

    Slow return to normal. In the past day 11 can be the start of some heavy thinking. Sadness and depression can raise their ugly heads. But so far so good. Regular yoga practice and more hours back at the office are helping.

    Hope everyone else doing ok.

    PC.
     
    nuclpow likes this.
  8. birdsky

    birdsky Member

    Keep strong, Professor Chaos! Depressive episode will fade hopefully away. I had this the last week, because I had crossed the boundary (although) without to relapse. Give your brain some more days and you will hopefully feel a bit better and less depressed.
     
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  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 12

    Hi birdsky,

    Thanks for stopping by. Yes, I think the work that I have done in the past is paying off. My default lifestyle is non-P. My brain is used to being healthy and happy. Prior to my first reboot, my life was pretty empty and P was used to fill the gap.

    I had a look back at the start of my journal and it has been an amazing eight years since I started. My life is so full of love and happiness compared to when I started.

    Good luck with your mental health and remember to reach out if you need it.

    PC.
     
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2020
    BoughtWithBlood and birdsky like this.
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 13

    I just read this in another post.

    30 minutes 24 hours 2 days 3 days 1 week 1 month 2 months 3 months 6 months 1 year

    These are the most important milestones in an addicts recovery

    So I’ve knocked down the first four. Onto one month. Hope you all are having a better end to that year.

    peace,
    PC
     
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  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 15

    yesterday I saw a YouTube video with an interview with a comedian. She went into graphic detail about the kind of P she watched and the kind of sex she liked. I realized that I kept wanting to continue watching.

    Fortunately I was able to recognize the warning signs and switched to something more wholesome. I caught the thinking pattern of... this is harmless.

    I noticed myself craving stimulation on Friday. It seems to go hand in hand with junk food as well. Like when I’m in an agitated state I want to eat crap food. I remember part of my addiction to P was not eating for hours on end and then binging after a marathon session. Not sure if anyone else has had a similar experience.

    I’ve installed the ‘done’ app on my phone. Using it to encouraged myself to read more. Someone on here recommended it.

    Every bit helps.

    PC
     
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  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 18

    Generally feeling quite low and a bit anxious. Can feel some waves crashing over we and a slightly heightened sense of anxiety. Urges to act out. Desire to be distracted. Internal monologue of expletives. Need to be very wary.

    I am at work at the moment. Posting this on my phone. I go home to an empty house tonight. I feel like this is a time to be on my guard.

    Need to mediate and calm down my raging mind.

    Peace.
    PC
     
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  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 25

    Hello good friends.

    Feeling better today. Still changing to manage sleep with a small baby that has needs and wants during the night. Not too much to report.

    some friends invited me to an edgy WhatsApp chat. I thought it would mostly be arguing politics, but someone posted some P memes. Nothing serious (everything was cropped out) but I noticed my mind turning back to it. Important to tag patterns.

    Otherwise not much to report.

    PC.
     
  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 30.

    So that’s one month under my belt. Unfortunately this belt is getting tight and I need to get fit again.

    Full confession today though. I can feel the YouTube algorithm messing with me. It’s pushing me towards more violent content. Some of that content is also sexual. (i.e. film analysis of violent movies)

    I need to be careful. This is where I screwed up last time. Slowly the inch starts to build and it wants to be scratched. Slowly the promise of more intense content is just a click away.

    I think I might have to white list YouTube for a while and just listen to music while I work. I think that I can’t be trusted at the moment.

    Peace out friends. It’s good to come here to confess.

    PC.
     
  15. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Great to see you back at it PC!
     
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 35

    Thanks Mate, Good to see you too. Some friends of mine created a WhatsApp Chat to talk shit politically away from our other friends. However someone recently started posting P memes. Nothing visually compromising but some jokes were made and I can feel it escalating as my mind is playing it over and over again. Especially when I female friend talked openly about one of my kinks. Might just mute the chat for a while until it turns back to more boring fodder.

    PC.
     
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  17. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Probably for the best to mute that chat indeed! Don’t get caught up in and dragged along with it
     
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 37

    Today and yesterday battling with depression. Seems to be coming in waves. Very tired and one more week of work to go before the end of the year. So looking forward to a break. I think I’m just feeling very mentally stretched at the moment. Hopefully this feeling will pass in the next day or so.

    Seasons greetings to you all, wherever you are in the world.

    PC.
     
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Well-Known Member

    Hang in there PC. Luckily your break is coming soon! Hope you find the time to really have some rest where your hope is restored
     
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Day 40

    Time to be extra vigilant. My wife and child are away, so I have the house to myself. Keeping busy reading and brushing the cats their comb. One more day of work and I’m done for the year. Looking forward to a break.

    Seasons Greetings all.
    PC.
     

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