Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Hey Guys.

    So I got to around day 120. Pretty good. But I relapsed about 11 days ago and then again last night. Couldn't sleep and felt pretty gross. I have been having a pretty tough time and unfortunately since I last posted we found out that our baby is not growing as fast as it should . We are now supported by a really amazing team, but it's been really hard on my wife and I. Being on the computer all day just means there are more opportunities to relapse and also being alone and somewhat stressed are all my triggers. My walls came down pretty fast and I also couldn't walk away as easily as I have in the past.

    I'm fortunate enough to still have my job and be able to work from home. I am surrounded by an amazing amount of love, but I feel profoundly disappointed in myself. An old dialogue of despair is starting to emerge and I have to just learn to relax past that. I think I need to look at increasing my security measures at home, but the initial relapse happened so fast that I didn't really have time to react. Last nights one was a slow build, but my own hubris that I still had control of myself reared it's ugly head. I need to make a promise to myself to come on here and update regularly. This website is still the best tool I have for keeping myself sober. I really do feel like I've got the worst hangover today and need to be on the look out for signs and symptoms.

    Will post more about the steps I'm taking to maintain my sobriety during this globally challenging time.

    Take care everyone.

  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey PC, I hope everything will turn out all right with the baby. All the best!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    While I do understand that (and I would be disappointed in myself too), you also have to beware that this is a situation none of us has encountered before. You didn't see the situation coming and you didn't know how you were going to addept to it. Looking backwards you could have probably handled certain things better, but I don't think you can profoundly blame yourself for the way you handle a situation that takes you by surprise.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  4. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 2,

    Thanks for checking in guys. I appreciate the support. My moods a bit all over the place at the moment. I'm trying my best to stay level and stable and keep myself busy. I can feel a lot of old impulses and urges coming to the surface. A lot of 'cloudy' thinking and then also a lot of thinking in terms of absolutes. I'm trying to find things to be happy about. My wife can tell that my mood has changed and that I'm much more 'raw'. I think that's usually what happens post-relapse. I should know, I feel like I've been through enough of them. Trying to balance out my current headspace. I also feel extremely restless and in a way it's my brain craving more of the same. It wants that hit and nothing else is good enough, nothing else comes close. Just need to stick to doing the boring and quiet tasks and then I should be good. Then I should be able to just make it through to day 3. That's the import thing in getting back up, taking small steps. Dealing with what's in front of me, one step at a time.

    We're all in this together. Hope you are having a good weekend.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Welcome back PC. I hate the post relapse mindset and can relate to the feelings you describe. Especially thinking in absolutes. I also become so preoccupied and obsessed. I think you are correct to say that if you manage to simply focus on one day at a time for now you'll start feeling better soon enough. I find that after about one week, ideas become a bit clearer again. We find a bit more peace and balance. And then it's about not taking another plunge back !
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 5
    Just a quick update. Went to hospital with wife. Scans and more tests. Baby is growing but is still very small. My work has been very supportive which I feel very fortunate. No real urge to act out, and today I just feel extremely tired and exhausted. Feel very lucky to be able to have a nap on the sofa just now. I know from previous relapses that tiredness is part of the recovery process.

    I am aware that I have not made any additional moves to secure my network and lock down things for a few weeks. I need to get on that. Lock down a few more sites and such.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 11.

    I feel like this is always one of the hardest days post-relapse. I’m in a foul mood and not much fun to be around. I realized something important the other day.

    After a fix I go into a bit of a manic state. I want to start new projects, plan big things, travel to new places. My ideas are grand and over the top.

    This is because I’m craving more dopamine. I want the excitement of starting something and the satisfaction of finishing something, but I don’t want to do the work. I don’t have the focus and discipline to do the hard stuff. I only want the fix.

    This explains a lifetime of half finished projects. Man I hate Mondays.

    hope everyone else ok.

    nuclpow likes this.
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Perhaps it is dopamine too, but I think this makes sense from a psychological point of view too. I mean, we all desperately want this to change, so it's really no wonder that we want to get away from that place as fast as possible. But yeah, it is a pitfall. Accomplishing things we value is a great tool in reboot, but when you make grand plans that you will likely never accomplish, it's not unlikely that it will lead to negative feelings and negative feelings could lead to...So perhaps it is best to make new slighty smaller plans or perhaps divide your plans up in managable smaller plans. Because I do think working towards things you like to accomplish in a realistic way is a good thing.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  9. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Hey there PC, how are you doing now? How are your wife and the baby doing?

    I’ve been reading your entire journal through the last 3 days and it’s so incredibly inspiring! You’ve come such a long way and you became an amazing person. I love the way you speak about your wife too!

    You’ve been through these rough first months before and you can do it again. Just keep using the strategy that has been working for you before and take it step by step.

    I’ll be praying for your baby! That it will grow well and become very healthy.

    Have a great day!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 16

    Living and BroughtwithBlood thanks for the kind words. Your prayers are greatly appreciated, it’s a strange thing, how these times bring out the kindness in people. I contacted a monastery in Western Australia and they also chanted for us last week. My wife didn’t know but had the best nights sleep she’s had in a long time that night.

    We have a really great team behind us at the hospital and strangely the public system seem to have their shit together much more than the private system we were using. The public one here in Australia takes over if there are any complications. Everything covered by Medicare. We are very lucky.

    I’ve been tired and moody today. I part of me feels like the current circumstances are a bit of a cover for how I’m feeling. Not sure how much of this Is relapse related and how much is being stuck in the house for two months.

    I’m annoyed at myself, but I have taken steps to restore the filters I had at home. Our OpenDNS stopped working when we changed internet connections for a faster one so I could work from home.

    we have headed up to visit in laws for the weekend as restrictions have eased somewhat and we need to get away for a bit.

    I hope you are all well.

    Pete McVries and BoughtWithBlood like this.
  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 20

    had a good run the last couple of days. Feeling low this morning though. I’m familiar with these doldrums. Baby Is doing ok and my wife looks amazing pregnant. I’m trying to focus on that at the moment. I’m lucky we are both working from home and that I can fuss over her.

    My work is going really well in spite of everything that’s going on. Think I might just be on the dopamine roller coaster. Really want to get back to a place of stability, but there is no rushing this stuff.

    Sending you all positive vibes, where ever you are in the world reading this.

  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 30.

    ups and downs today. Can feel he old pull right now. This morning I went for a run just after it rained. Felt amazing. Tonight though I feel really low. Depression snuck up on me pretty quickly while browsing my social media feed. I think that’s pretty common. Still a month down and I think that’s an important milestone. I think I need to sleep. It’s late. Time for bed.

    Good night all.

    BoughtWithBlood likes this.
  13. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Great job on reaching a month! Give yourself a pat on the back. You deserve it. Enjoy the victory and then refocus on the next milestone.

    sleep well!
    -Luke- and Professor Chaos like this.
  14. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    @Professor Chaos I respect that you keep going even though you keep relapsing. It ne day you're going to do it.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Thank you for the support guys. I feel good about this run.

    Pete McVries likes this.
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 38
    My wife has just left the house with one of her friends for a walk. I like this friend, she brings me cake every time she comes over. She is a good friend. I am in the process of making a list things I want to do before the baby gets here. I can feel that I will have much more limited time once it arrives. My wife seems much better and we are feeling a lot more confident about being parents. I'm sure that it will be a challenge, but I am looking forward to it.

    Not too many urges to report. I signed out of a few services in order to prevent browsing that can sometimes be a major trigger. Strange how it's quite binary these days. I'm either completely fine and not thinking about it too much, or it's all I can think about and it hijacks my brain. I just have to remember it will pass. The thing that P robs me of most is my focus and my ability to create things. Since I started this journey all those years ago I've managed to claw back so much of my life and rebuild it into something I feel very proud of. I feel extraordinary lucky I was able to find out, first that this was even an issue and second this was something I could be free of. Here's to another month of sobriety. I need my wits and my focus in the coming months.

  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 41

    man. Really feeling pull tonight. My wife just left the house to head up to the mountains. I’m alone with the creaks of the house. I can feel the hunger getting to me and I’ve been browsing some PG-13 stuff and it’s made me a bit edgy.

    might need to stay off the computer for a bit. Do some drawing then play some video games with some relatives online. Something to keep me occupied and stop my mind from wandering.

    Here’s to sobriety and making it through the night.

  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    You can do this, man. You've done so before and there is no reason why can't do so again:)
  19. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    I agree with @Living you really CAN do this! Best to avoid the computer for now and distract yourself with some good things.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 42

    thanks guys. Yeah. Avoided the desktop and it passed. Just enjoyed playing mobile game with my family.

    feeling the pull again at work today. Might need to take a break and go for a walk. Lusty 3D images will be my downfall. Writing on here always helps. The supportive messages really help.

    Will keep you updated.

    Pete McVries, Living, -Luke- and 2 others like this.

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