Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 0

    It’s 5am in the morning. I’m posting this so I’ll read it later. I’m normally a very good sleeper. Right now I’m gripped by chronic unease. I can’t get my mind to settle. I feel a mix of fear, shame and a burning desire to take action. I want to write more right now, but I think I am just in a manic state. Manic and angry with not just myself, but the whole world. Need to find some chill. Not sure how I’ll get through this.

    PC
     
  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Good to have you back, PC. Although I wish it would've been a better occasion.

    It seems like your trouble with sleep is because of a racing mind. Have you tried something that helps with calming down? For example magnesium, valerian root, glycine etc?

    I hope you will find your balance again soon. Like I said, good to have you back.
     
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  3. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 3

    Getting back on the horse.

    Bit of ED this morning with the wife. I think that’s to be expected given the recent relapse. Sleep is back to normal but I am waking up tired.

    At work today, by myself and a little bored. Zero interest in any fapping.

    Good news is that I think my wife may be pregnant. Four weeks. Excited about the prospect of being a dad and marks the end to a very unusual year. We haven’t told anyone yet, which I am finding very hard as I like to be open with people as much as possible.

    The previous weeks have been very stressful as we live in a city that was choked by smoke from recent forest fires. Given that my wife might have been pregnant we were stressing out. Things seem to have settled down now.

    Will keep you all updated and hope you are having a good run up to the Christmas season.

    Peace out,

    PC.
     
    Rudolf Geyse, -Luke- and Pete McVries like this.
  4. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Wow exciting news! Wishing you all the best!
     
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  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations for the news PC !

    Sorry to hear of the relapse but I think it's awesome you had a 6 months run. I think you will soon enough find your way back to a good sailing level.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  6. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Great news PC. Good luck to you and your wife. Enjoy the journey!
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  7. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Awesome news. Congrats!
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 11.

    Thanks for all the well wishes.

    The second week is always the toughest. Had a couple of pretty explicit dreams the other night. But my libido has been pretty dormant. I think for the most part my brain has been reasonable well re-wired.

    It’s Christmas so it’s the silly season. Just wanted to come on here and post how I just followed an ama on Reddit for a porn Star, then went to her twitter page. No visual triggers, but I just did a hand-break turn to come here and post about it. Important for me not to get complacent. All my triggers are all stacked up. Alone, tired, feeling a bit emotionally vulnerable (yesterday was my dads birthday and it’s our first year without him)

    Just need to come on here and be honest. He helps me track my progress and my mental health. This thing is hard to beat when you are close to it. Going to meditate for a bit.

    Hope you are all handling the holidays ok.

    Much love,
    PC
     
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  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 15
    Feeling it today. Sudden feelings and listings bubbling up to the surface. Fantasy clouding my mind. Trying to relax and stay focused. Can feel the urge to browse. Feel the urge to look up images. Supposed to be on holiday. But need to relax. Just want to come on here and post when I’m feeling vulnerable. Always feel better after posting here.

    Merry Christmas all.
    PC
     
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  10. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 21

    Mental health has taken a bit of a turn. Had a couple of days where I definitely had to deal with some acute depression. Also head aches and some very low energy levels. I always find the first month the hardest. It’s the most raw.

    I think in I just need a good nights sleep. Hopefully that will help me focus tomorrow being back at work.

    2020 is the year to look back with clarity. Hopefully I can see well enough to move forward.

    Happy new year all.
    PC
     
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  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 24
    Been in really good spirits and have started a 30 day yoga challenge. All was going well until I followed an ‘innocent’ link to a twitter page. Saw a couple of flashes of P before I noped the F out of there.

    Want to come on here and log it so that I’m aware that it happened and so that I can tread carefully. Gotta watch those cracks turning into crevices.

    Hope everyone is doing ok.

    PC
     
    -Luke- likes this.
  12. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Have fun with that yoga challenge. I do it more often since a few months and it helps me relaxing when I feel stressed. And stress can always be a trigger.
     
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  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 27

    Hey Luke, great to hear from you, mate! Hope you are doing ok.

    Riding out some waves today. Had some crazy dreams last night. Quite vivid. Just want to come on here and post to reconnect to my goals. Can feel an old familiar pull. It’s a hunger who’s appetite is all consuming.

    Amazing how strong the sexual current can be. I always find the first month the hardest. Just gotta keep paddling.

    Morning yoga is giving me a good buzz.

    thanks for listening,
    PC
     
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  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 35

    Not much to report. Been feeling a bit restless and a little overwhelmed but the yoga is helping. Had some headaches and a bit of a depressive bout on Sunday, but soldiered on.

    Some sexual noise as background radiation in the back of my brain, but no full blown tempests.

    I worry about the sudden relapse, when you feel like you have everything under control but a sudden urge hits you and you cave very quickly. Hopefully that won’t happen.

    Everything seems pretty quiet here.

    peace to all you good people.
    PC
     
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  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 60.

    Going through a bit of an extended lull. Overall can feel the pull of P on occasions when I’m home alone or feeling stressed about something. My sex drive has been rather non existent. It’s weird though, because I can feel the mental pull of sexuality, but not the physical pull.

    It’s like my mind goes through the motions but my body doesn’t respond.

    Been needing to sleep a lot. Falling asleep on the sofa and then dragging my ass to bed. Friday night got almost 11 hours of sleep, I’m wondering if it’s depression related.

    Generally I feel better on days when I exercise but that’s been a bit tricky at the moment. Heavy rain here at the moment which we are grateful for.

    Going to go have shower and get dressed. Still wrestling with the idea of becoming a dad. On one hand I’m excited and the other terrified. I understand that never really goes away. Big changes this year.

    peace out all.
    PC
     
  16. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 67

    Just a quick check in. Pulling myself up before I browse a NSFW reddit sub thread.

    All my triggers are in place and I just need to stay accountable. Also I am tired and want to sleep tonight.

    My wife is away for the weekend and that’s one of my most dangerous triggers. Being alone is a strong trigger for PMO and I can feel it’s tug. Going to sign out of here and go to bed. Just have to remind myself how tired and shit I feel after a binge.

    other than that had a super productive day around the house. Got lots of chores done which always feels good, just need to make it through the next 24 hours.

    peace out boys.
    PC.
     
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  17. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    you can do it!!
     
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  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 73.

    I'm alone at the moment as my wife is having dinner with her family. Just ordered some food and realized I ordered rice and noddles, nice work!

    I come on here to write and to vent when I can feel the itch. The itch is always in the background and just coming on here and typing about it, helps me point to the itch. It helps me see where it is and what it is doing. I have to respect the itch. It so wants to be scratched, but it cannot be.

    I also have some work that I need to do, a cartoon for the company newspaper. I have an idea, I just need to do it. Procrastination and P for me are strongly linked. The more pressure I put on myself to do something, the more I want to escape into a P-fueled fantasy. The most educational part of this journey is how much creativity, energy and time have been restored to me since I stopped using P. The challenge that I face now is not to waste that time and not allow it to drift away. I need to stay focused on the positive. I feel so extraordinary lucky. I sometimes wonder what I have done to be so fortunate.

    When I started this journey all those years ago, I didn't really know how I would profit from it. I really couldn't imagine my life as it is now. I feel cared for and loved in a way that I didn't think was possible and my life is so rich with experiences and memories that I am truly the luckiest of dudes.

    I hope the rest of you reading this thread are still battling away. Sometimes it's important to look back down the trail and realize how far we have climbed.

    Lots of love.
    PC.
     
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  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 86
    Need to put some filters on Amazon Prime. Content on there not suitable and caught myself acting out by searching for more risky content.

    disappointed in myself and need to strengthen my resolve. Worried that I might be getting into rationalization and relapse territory. Need to remember why I’m hear. Keep fighting the good fight.

    PC
     
    Merton likes this.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 93

    Watching the unfolding Pandemic on the news. Wife is away this weekend so I need to extra vigilant. Two events I was supposed to attend have been cancelled.

    told more people at work that my wife and I are expecting. Good news in a time of glum.

    just realized I crossed the 90 day threshold. Everything has been pretty quiet on that front. Got an early meeting tomorrow so early night.

    hope everyone else is keeping safe.

    PC
     
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