Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Glad to hear you're doing pretty good PC and dealing with the moods and feelings.

    And way to go being a bit over 4 months without porn !

    I might have to try this next time I can't sleep and am anxious/angry/frustrated during the night. It's a good idea !
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 133
    Home alone this weekend. My wife has gone up the mountains to spend time with her family. She sent me pictures and it looked beautiful.

    Did some life drawing this morning. The strange thing was that I am an old hand at doing life drawing. But when the model (an attractive young woman in her mid 20s) stripped down I felt a strong pang. I guess that I haven't been looking at naked woman for such a long time that seeing one 'in the flesh' as it were did cause a slight stir.

    Ultimately it was barely a glimmer and did a couple of sketches I was moderately happy with. Lots of young attractive women there to talk with. Women always seem to relax in my presence, I very good at making them feel comfortable. It had been five years since I'd been to this particular life drawing classes. Last I was there I was single, there was an attractive young woman sketching with her friend. I talked to her after the class. Two days later I bumped into both of them at the market. That young woman is now my wife. :)

    Remember guys get out there and get active. Go to classes, meet people, talk to women. A friend of mine on Instagram wanted to paint my portrait for her 'beautiful men' project, All the guys on here trying their best to be better people are beautiful men. Get out there and meet people, remember the world needs more beautiful men.

  3. TriGuy60

    TriGuy60 Member

    Nice Journal @Professor Chaos... You seem to have a good handle on your quit... As you seem to know, the 'devil' is laying in wait to test you... And that's the key to 'staying quit'... KUTGW
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  4. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    This was very nice to read. Thanks for sharing.
    nuclpow and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  5. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    I second that.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 142

    I’m slipping and I can feel it. Darn it. Need to come on here to vent. I am on holiday with my wife in Japan. What an amazing city and we are having a great time. Trouble with Tokyo as those of you who have been here would know, it’s a wankers paradise. They have the most advanced mastabatory technology of any country.

    They are also pretty lax with the visuals. P slipped into all sort of media. The problem for me was that last time I was here was a decade ago and I went on a bit of a P binge. I really need to be careful.

    Incident 1 - DVD store is a lot more than just Pokémon DVDs. When upstairs at a collectibles shop and was confronted with rack after rack of material. Damn it. Back peddled pretty quickly.

    Incident 2 - flicking through ‘boys’ comic and came across hardcore comic scene. Put down comic. Wife walks away. Want to pick up comic again. Wife comes back. We leave.

    Incident 3 - walk down to 7-11 unaccompanied to try to find soy sauce for sushi. Oh look more comics. Flick through a couple. Take longer than I should. Head back to hotel room.

    Incident 4 - browsing through Pinterest on phone. Content getting sexual. Stopped. Deleted Pinterest from phone. Came on here to write.

    I had a full relapse dream the other night. I think I don’t want to admit that I was triggered at the dvd shop, but clearly I am. I need to be really careful while traveling here and acknowledge my weaknesses. Just need to stop them from progressing. That’s what this journal is for.

    Apart from that I am having an absolute blast here. I love it. I think my brain might be seeking a dopamine kick.

    Off into the night for more adventure with my partner.

    Will keep you updated.

    Bezoechow and cjm like this.
  7. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 160

    I think that was a little too close for comfort. I have all my triggers in place.

    1. Alone in the house with something I SHOULD be doing. *check*
    2. Couple of hours free time when I'm accountable to no-one *check*
    3. Weird sex / relapse dreams the night before and not having sex this morning *check*
    4. Letter from family member sending me on a massive guilt trip *check*
    5. Feeling a strong sense of sadness about my dad passing away as a result of said letter *check*
    6. Sitting down at the computer to update a payment *check*
    7. Fantasizing about a particular actress and P scenario *check*
    8. Opening up a 'private' tab on my browser *check*

    You know what saved my sorry ass?

    Do those of you know what stopped me from going on a sexy gif binge?

    Answer: You guys.

    Yup this forum. I pulled out of a nose dive and came on here instead. I read the blogs I follow, I read about those of you relapsing, those of you still fighting, read about people who had given up and read about people trying to make their lives better. Thank guys. Thank you for writing out your sadness, your joy and your hope. It helped me key into what I need to do and find the power to dig a bit deeper, to go a bit longer. This is an on going battle. Something that we need each other for.

    P keeps us separate, separate from our sexuality, separate from real partners and separate from how we feel. Only by connecting into those things again are we going get better.

    Now if you'll excuse me I need to go put the washing out.

  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Awesome, but while the guys on here have probably helped a lot it's good to realize that in the end it is you who has stopped yourself. Even with all those triggers you were able to pull yourself out of a close call. That's a big thing, man, don't underestimate that. You did this now and you can do that another time too. Good for you!
  9. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    If it works, then it's the right thing to do (as long as it's not otherwise immoral). Good work.
  10. Bezoechow

    Bezoechow Member

    Your journal was a great read. Inspiring stuff. You've come a long way!
  11. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    I was reading through your journal and was shocked to see that the time between this entry and the last was 5 years! Great work coming back.
  12. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Very inspiring! Your journal was a great read. It is amazing how far you have come since the first entries. Thanks for documenting all of this.
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 168


    Another weekend by myself. Managed to keep myself busy. Went out and did some drawing yesterday, caught up with a workmate for lunch and then did some table top gaming in the afternoon. This morning I am bashing through my 'Frog List'. A frog list is all the things I most don't want to do. Mark Twain once said if you have to swallow a frog, do it first and then the rest of the day will seem easy.

    Full disclosure though, I've caught myself browsing yesterday. Part of the sneaky thought pattern of 'Just a peak, won't hurt'.

    There's a comic artist who draws images I find very arousing, discovered him when I was a teen. He's been the gateway to a couple of relapses and last night I looked up some of his work on google image search. Now safe search is on by default, but there was definitely some titillating images on there. When I got home from gaming I was home alone and I could feel the pull coming in waves. My solution was to lock my phone in the car and unplug the router. Basically give myself two hours to calm down. At the time I was thinking this was an over-action but about 20 minutes into making dinner I felt some very strong waves of desire wash up on the shore. Glad that I did it as I don't think I was in full control of my facilities.

    This morning I browsed some Instagram pages and noticed myself angling towards fetish performers and events. Also Cos-players as well. Realized what I was doing and so left the house for run. Movement always helps.

    Yesterday morning I had some pretty bad depression. I've figured out the way to deal with "I can't get out of bed" is to wiggle my toes. Sounds silly, but just wiggle my toes, then move my leg, then swing my leg out of bed, then get into my running clothes, then grab my keys, then just start running outside. Amazing how much fresh air clears out the cobwebs. Heart rate goes up and the body sweats. By the time I'd got home I was feeling like facing the day.

    Anyone else on here got any good tips for dealing with waves of feeling hopeless?

    Much love to you all, where ever you are on this crazy ride.

    nuclpow, Pete McVries and Bezoechow like this.
  14. nuclpow

    nuclpow Well-Known Member

    You seem an intelligent writer.

    Good idea. I'm going to try to copy it.

    Maybe Instagram and your comic writer aren't good ideas for you now.

    If you have clinical depression you should get a doctor and on a prescription. I had clinical depression, and if the medication works, that means you have it. Medications like Celexa don't work if you don't already have depression. So I suggest taking pills. If you have depression, I recommend you right through it and don't be cruel to or punish yourself. You're suffering, eough, anyway.

    For hopelessness, you can remember that it's the depression talking, you can also count your blessings to see what you have--and then, hopefully from there, take a step to improving your life, no matter how infinitesimally small. Fight through it. Depression is serious and you can join real life and internet support groups for it.

    I hope that helps, thanks for the love.
    Professor Chaos and Merton like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    What helps me is doing the thing I don't want to do at all when I'm feeling bad: being social and meeting other people. If I feel down I always have the tendency to isolate myself and (unfortunately) most of the time that tendency wins. But when I meet other people I realize they like me and enjoy my company even if I feel down. And that makes me feel better all the time.

    But going for a run or doing some other form of exercise is a great solution and it worked for you. So keep going.
    Professor Chaos and Pete McVries like this.
  16. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    I agree to what Luke said. It helps just to be around other people, for me a good friend. Just being in another room with a good friend helps. Or spending time with pets. Any social activities that don't overwhelm you. Sometimes deep and meaningful conversations. Sharing your most intimate thoughts with a really good friend/family member/partner who won't judge you for it. Getting a feeling of being understood and listened to. Not having to carry all the burden for yourself. It's feels awesome to share joy with somebody but it is also relieving to share our sorrows while having a shoulder to lean on. Even us strong males sometimes need to do that :)
    Last edited: Sep 16, 2019
  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 181

    So that’s it. About 6 months off the hard stuff. No big P binges or MO. It feels like along way, but it was only small steps. If some one told you to walk 10 km. It sounds like a lot. But it was just, walk 300 meters for a month, it doesn’t sound as bad.

    However I am now in a bit of a bind. I don’t know anyone else who has been in this situation, but I MUST MO... For science.

    We are kicking off the baby making process and because of some complications I need to provide a sperm sample. Aside from just the general awkwardness of doing this. I am aware that I am in a bit of a unique situation.

    As you can all imagine, I’m worried about chaser effects, exposure to P and also my natural tendency to rationalize my usage. I can already feel a certain excitement around the date. Along with fear and general amusement.

    My wife has to get poked and prodded a lot more than I do, so she has it a lot worse. I just have no idea if I can do this.

    I know this might blow up in my face, but feel free to comment if you have some thoughts about this.

    TheScriabin and Pete McVries like this.
  18. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    That reminds me of a children's story called "Momo" by Michael Ende (I don't know whether it's known in other parts of the world). Beppo, a street cleaner, describes his job as follows:
    Regarding the sperm sample: That's difficult because everybody reacts differently and the chaser effect is a thing. But as see it there's no choice. So I wouldn't worry too much about it. Try being extra mindful in the days aterwards and try to reduce internet use for some days. That's the only Thing that comes to mind for me.
    Professor Chaos and Pete McVries like this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Nice to hear you want to start a family. A couple of years ago I had to provide a sperm sample for similar reasons. The people in the hospital were a bit surprised :D, but my wife went with me and helped me to do the hard work. It was a bit awkward in a room that is especially for that purpose, but it was also a lot of fun. I can really recommend to do it together. If you ask her I am sure you'll get excited in a way healthier way. Good luck!
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 0

    Snakes and ladders. That’s what this feels like sometimes. I’m not really sure why I didn’t come back here sooner. Shame mostly. I think I feel a high degree of shame.

    Right now I can’t sleep. That usually happens after a binge. Some small part of me wanted to post on here a few hours ago, but that voice was weak and tired. I’d got to day 10. But that wasn’t enough. Wife was out. Back to back binges. Now I can’t sleep.

    Feeling wired and stupid. Full of good intentions and erroneous clarity. It’s almost midnight and I’m mashing text on a screen.

    I had a good run. Half a year off this stuff and I walked away from the tools that kept me clean. Namely, staying accountable and journaling when I feel vulnerable or when I feel confident. A lot has been going on, but I don’t want to go into it.

    Feel a certain sense of relief to be posting here among friends. Merry Christmas y’all and to all a good night.

    Pete McVries likes this.

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