Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 41.

    Not much to report. Up in the mountains with family for the weekend. Having been feeling some real surges in energy and productivity recently. Feel excited about life in a way that feels really good.

    No real urges, although I caught myself on Instagram straying towards so less than family friendly posts. Nothing extreme, but I need to be mindful. Will uninstall the app if it happens again. Good to come on here and confess as it keeps me accountable and stops me minimizing any potential slip ups.

    Thanks guys.

  2. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sounds really good PC. Have a nice weekend with your family!

    Instagram was always danger zone for me, too. Good to see that it didn't escalate for you.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Ooh mountains, good for the soul :) Enjoy
  4. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    Congrats on 41! I pretty much never go on Instagram exactly for the reason you mentioned. I am too trained to use social media as pmo material.
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    That sounds very wise Merton. I think Instagram is particularly triggering as you a sifting through images. Mentally sorting and cataloging what you are looking at. It’s ok if you are just looking at holiday snaps of friends, but if you are in a vulnerable place like most of us are, it will guide you towards more extreme material. It also knows what you ‘like’ so it will feed you a very specific diet.

    It’s a bit like the saying ‘don’t go shopping when your hungry’. Don’t use social media if your horny.

    Hope everyone else made it through the weekend ok.

    SeekingWisdom, Mekkeren and Merton like this.
  6. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 49

    Been a mixed bag this weekend. Couple of real mood swings and a dark patch on Sat morning. Could feel myself wanting to act out.

    Instagram continues to be a risk. Was browsing and a female friend posted a link parallel to a fetish I have. Stopped following her as a result. I think I said i’d Delete the app if that happened again.

    I’ve been hitting the iron again at the gym. Also lost a ton of body weight since beginning of the year. I’m not a big guy, but lost about 9kgs and around 10cm off my waste. Gym is good, plus vegan diet. Lots more energy than i’ve Had before.

    Waiting for floors to dry after mopping. Next up groceries, then potter away on art projects in my shed.

    Hope you guys are all doing ok.

  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Nice man. Well done !
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 52

    Got lots done over the weekend. Met up with an old friend from my sharking/single days back in LA on Monday. She’s a rather stunning tall red-head and just got out of a divorce.

    We have always been candid with each other and never quite dated, but there was a spark. She talked about married life and I ended telling her about my current struggle with P and she told me about her exes battle with ED. The bit that I wanted to come clean her about was she told me that SHE had resorted to looking at P because she was so frustrated in the bedroom for over a year.

    I could feel myself getting WAY too interested in the details. Managed to steer the conversation back towards safer waters, but my curiosity was definitely peaked. I have a few female friends I know that use P and I have no judgement against anyone who does. What was triggering was being too interested in the details. Fuel for fantasies.

    Anyway we parted ways, her off to go find her path and wander around and me to head back to the office.

    Listening to her talking about dating in LA made me glad to be a happily married man.

    My wife made an awesome cheesecake I shared around the office today. I feel very blessed.

    Peace to you all.
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 65

    Sort not really keeping track of the milestones at the moment. I think of it like someone who’s quit smoking. They don’t smoke. So, I don’t Porn.

    I have been having a lot of success with dealing with fantasies. The key seems to be realizing that if I am escaping into fantasy. Then I’m feeling stressed about something.

    Rather than try to fight or will the fantasy away,I focus on the feeling in my body that is stressed. Then I just say ‘calm’ or ‘relax’ or ‘It’s OK’ after a moment the feeling and the fantasy pass (or lessen in intensity)

    Today has been quite challenging. Had quite a sexual dream last night and it keeps popping into my head. Just need to relax and let it pass.

    Overall going well. Have noticed that I've a bit more sensitive to stress. Still hitting the gym and am in the best shape i’ve Been in the last 7-8 years.

    Good luck to everyone.

    Gil79, Thelongwayhome27 and Merton like this.
  10. Merton

    Merton Well-Known Member

    This is a very inspiring post. I will try your method with fantasy. Great work!
  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 73.

    I read a post a couple of days ago on Reddit about someone relapsing after a 72 day streak. I'm using that to help me stay humble. I think the most important thing to do is to stay calm and stay focused.

    Today was a real challenge, not so much for my recovery, but just for my mental health. Although I think now when I start feeling overwhelmed I know how to deal with it. The credit has to go to my wife. She has taught be how to simply say "I feel overwhelmed". She has this wonderful expression that I love...

    "Where are your sanity levels?" It's kind of a joke, but it's our why of checking in when one of us is starting to lose the plot.

    Today was particularly challenging. I was meant to be at home recovering from a cold, but got stuck dealing with automotive dramas and blown out mechanic costs. Not one thing, but a cascade of things that lead to me feeling overwhelmed. But I did what I have learnt to do when feeling like everything is on top of me. Find a cafe, order a coffee and sugar treat and just take a break. Sounds simple, but it's a survival tactic I picked up back when I was first dealing with my depression. Once my chill has been restored, soldier on and deal with life.

    I just went back and re-read my journal. This has been a wild ride. But what struck me the most is the repeating of patterns and trying to spot where the danger areas are. So my longest without P has been 101 days. It's good to know, because if I have done it before I can do it again.

    I'm home alone tonight and I really wanted to come on here and recommit to my mental health and to the people in my life that matter the most to me. Lots of posts where I've thought I had this licked, only to relapse again. Need to keep the faith. Going to jump off the computer and make myself some dinner. My dear partner taught me how to cook proper food and without stress. I guess the thing I want to remind myself and everyone else out there reading this, is that there are good people out there. Become one yourself and think about what you can offer others, you'll be amazed at what you get back.

    Yours humbly,
    Gil79 and -Luke- like this.
  12. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 78

    A little bit of turbulence. Have some daily staying with me for a couple of days. That always seems to be a bit of a trigger for my mental health. Some negative head chatter and worries about a couple of things.

    Woke up at 5:30am and my mind has been racing at 100mph. Trying to get it to relax and calm down. Usually this bumpiness precedes some serious craving and surf enough today my mind has been pretty flooded with thoughts.

    Waiting for them to pass, need to relax through them and know what they are. I have a challenging week this week. More family stuff this weekend. Some travel and some trouble. I know that there are dangers of relapsing on the road. I think that might be why I am feeling anxious. I can feel the monsters rumbling. Need to get my ass to the gym. Need to not accept the excuse that it’s rainning. Just go.

    Ok. Sorry for the stream of consciousness. But I needed to clear my head.

    Gil79 likes this.
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 91

    So yesterday was Day 90. I know that is a milestone in some reboot circles. Yesterday I also found out that my dad had passed away, peacefully in his home, with his loved ones. I'd been back to see him the week before and he was very frail and uncomfortable. He is at peace now and I am going to be heading back to my hometown to deal with the funeral arrangements. I admit that I have felt some strong pull. The urge to dive into the emptiness of any addiction is always more compelling than dealing with the pain of the present. At this time though I also feel my most resolute. My wife has headed out to visit a friend and I am home alone. I came on here for an update, because I feel sad about the number of friends on here that have stopped posting. I wonder about them. I just wanted to say, that even though I feel pretty low, It does get better, there is a place where you can get to where, feeling pain, you don't go running to a stream of fleshy pixels for relief. The pull is going to be there, but I know now what to look for, how the triggers get formed and how they build their forces to crack holes in my defenses. I have learned a lot about myself and about other people and I feel proud to be part of this group. There isn't any failure here, just steps towards and stronger and better place.

    I'm going to go outside in a bit, go for walk and remind myself that it's all OK. I'm going to feel the sun on my face and deal with what is to come.

    Thinking of you all. Remember to give your loved ones a call and tell them you love them. I know that mine did and do, and I'm so very grateful for that.

    Merton and Bezoechow like this.
  14. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Sorry about your loss man.

    And thank you for the reminder in the last sentence. Very True.
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 98

    I’m back at home after my dads funeral. I was leant on a lot by members of my family and by my dads partner. I’m told I did well. Had to do eulogy and I felt like I honored him. Some lovely sentiments expressed. My wife was with me and she was amazing supportive when I needed her. I am a lucky man.

    As for my recovery, I wasn’t really tempted to ‘reach for the bottle’ as it were. I did have a relapse dream last night, but it was about magazines, not electronic P. I also had an anxious dream about missing my flight. On the plane right I was hit by a strong wave of fantasies. A strong desire to escape and be numb.

    I could feel the old mental rhetoric of ‘you deserve this’ and ‘this will make feel better’. There were also a bit of headaches as well. Feeling ‘safe’ now. Craving subsided and the wave has passed. Might be some more in the next couple of days.

    Lots of kind messages from friends and family. I must admire I feel pretty loved up. I feel like i’ve Gone from feeling so alone when I started this journey to having a loving team around me. Peace to you all my brothers (and sisters if you are reading this)

    Heres to sticking with how you feel and not binging on something that makes you sick.

    -Luke- and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  16. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Glad to see you've made it through this difficult time and were able to have some positive thoughts (the help of your wife, the kindness of others, not feeling alone anymore).
    Merton and Professor Chaos like this.
  17. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 102.

    So this is officially the longest I’ve gone with P or M. Last time I stumbled at 101. I’m going through some tough emotional stuff at the moment and I can feel the old hunger trying to pull me onto the rocks. I’m pretty determined and I know what my triggers are. Right now I’m trying to keep myself busy and focused.

    Fantasies are popping up a lot and I feel like I’m playing wack-a-mole with them. I think it’s just stress. I feel good that I have got this far.

    Thanks everyone.

    -Luke- likes this.
  18. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 115

    Getting hammered by fantasies in the last couple of days. They are elaborate and well thought out. My mind seems drawn to them. Important to post here when this happens. Had the strongest ‘pull’ so far of this round of recovery a couple of days ago.

    Thoughts manifesting from request to command. Weekend had a batch of depressive energy. Worked hard to overcome it and still have a productive day.

    Tonight I will be home alone as wife taking brother out for birthday dinner. Need to stay calm and collected. Saw triggering scene in tv show last night. My mind has locked onto it for repeat value.

    Good to come here and identify patterns. I’m staying to row the furthered I have ever been from the shore. The storm is coming, but my boat is ready.

    Writing here I feel better, calmer.

  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Day 122.

    Thought that I’d post something on day 120, but as Austin Powers once said “That train has sailed”

    Been very busy. I do have some fantasies kicking around in the background. But they have not been able to hijack my actions.

    I’ve been battling with the return of some depressive thinking. I suspect it’s still the result of my dad passing away. Certainly I am feeling about all over the place.

    Today my mood is good. I meditated at around 4:30am which is what I do if my mind is racing or I just can’t get back to sleep.

    I’ve started a new stretching routine at the gym which I really want to improve on. Lots of tension in my body related to stress. Trying to learn to be a bit more relaxed and a bit more calm.

    Doing a lot more drawing at the moment. I notice that being free from PMO means I have a lot of energy to focus and study. Enjoying this level of clarity.

    Trip to Japan coming up. Looking forward to exploring the countryside with my wife.

    Hope everyone else is doing ok.

    Merton and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  20. JD1981

    JD1981 Active Member

    Dude 122 days!! That’s awesome and so motivating. You know what is really motivating for me is that you have a lot of stress in your life and your pushing on. Before coming on this site I thought no one has stress like me, I’d rationalize and tell myself its okay to watch porn to escape stress because my stress is like no other. But the reality is everyone has stress and it’s a part of life and my stress isn’t any worse or more difficult to deal with. I’m finding that hiding behind my monitor brings on more stress, that my medicine makes it worse. I’m very sorry to hear about your father and I hope you can find peace with his passing. Thanks for sharing your journey again it is so motivating!
    Merton and Professor Chaos like this.

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