Free from Suffering

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Professor Chaos, Nov 11, 2012.

  1. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Hello Kind Gentleman,

    Just thought I'd make a quick first post to start my journal, before I tell my story. I feel honoured to be around men trying to better themselves and I hope that I can be a useful and supportive member of this community.

    I look forward to sharing my Journey with you. I've been trying to 're-boot' on my own for the past few months. Hopefully, after viewing the YBOP site and this one, I have a clearer understanding what I am up against. I am glad I have found something like this as it is not an easy topic to talk to others about.

    In the past I have found forums that have helped me in a wide number of areas of my life. I look forward to keeping you updated. So far I am two days in from my last relapse. Although I don't feel any shame or guilt I did feel a certain degree of emptiness and sadness last time I PMO'd.

    I meditate really regularly and it has openned my eyes to what a problem area this has been for me.

    Yours kindly,
    Professor Chaos
    Rudolf Geyse and Merton like this.
  2. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    10 days so far. Feeling pleased. But I can feel the shadows of dark thoughts lurking in the fringes of my mind, kinda like storm clouds on the horizon. Some things I've noticed

    1. Lack of motivation and energy.
    2. Can't be bothered with anything feeling.
    3. Notice I can 'see' women better. They appear less like objects and more like people.
    4. Had a very strong urge in a theater the other day, lucky it was in a lecture theater so people around me, but it was all consuming.

    The longest I've ever managed to go without PMO was about 27 days. I was trying to do a 30 day challenge and lapsed 3 days before the finish line. Hopefully this time will be different.

  3. hotspur

    hotspur New Member

    Hi, just a note to wish you good luck with this and I think you will find this forum very helpful in reaching your target.

    For me the first two weeks or so is the hardest so it will be difficult for you right gets better. I can really relate to the 'can't be bothered feeling' and lack of energy, I hope you can find other activities and outlets to distract you and stimulate your enthusiasm into other areas of life outside of your addiction..
  4. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    Hi Welcome to forum, I have found the experience of others very helpful during my journey here. I wish you all the best.
  5. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thank you both for your kind words. The meditation helps. Today I really struggled during my meditation. The urge to go and look at two or three images kept haunting me. I could feel anger and rage building up. Along with lust and a tonne of rationalizations. I was tempted, but when I finished meditating the power was out for the house. No power, no router. I'm typing this on my phone.

    I'm not working at the moment and I'm home alone during the day. This is going to be a tough couple of weeks. Good news though, I re-joined the local gym. Even still, I only managed about a 10 minute half hearted work out. I used to work out for 1-1.5 hours last year. Shocked at how much strength I've lost.

    Part of me still can't believe how strong this is. Like my motivation for sex and sexual stimulation was my whole reason for being. I suspect I may also be recovering for a sexual addition too.

    Good luck to everyone else out there.

  6. abaabaaba

    abaabaaba Member

    I'm trying to overcome the addiction and become a better person. It's a real and hard fight. The temptation are everywhere.
    Keep fighting friend.
  7. BeefNoJerky

    BeefNoJerky New Member

    Hang in there! Good job and thank you for your posts. BeefNoJerky
  8. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

    "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

    The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

    The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

    This is an old wolf that I am fighting. He is old and tired, but he still has his teeth. I used to feed him every three or four days. Sometimes whole weekends were offered up. When I was younger and depressed, I lost whole weeks to him. Now I have cut off his food. Now he is angry. Now he is letting me know. The more hungry he gets, the more he is thrashing around. I will NOT feed him.

    Today has been rough. A real rollar coaster. The porn flashes happen once in a while, but stronger are the mood swings. From feeling awesome to feeling like crap. I keep getting headaches too. There is also this perverse curiosity, like I'm cut off from an old friend(s) and I want to know how they are getting along. A feeling like I'm 'missing out' on something.

    I'm feeling sick. I was on the way to met up with my friend who is a personal trainer and had a half panic attack. I had to pull over to the side of the road and text him to tell him I wasn't coming. I used to go to the gym almost everyday and I'm someone who's dogged about keeping my appointments. This is very unusual for me.

    I keep thinking about my P use. How in the past when I was traveling in some beautiful foreign country I would be on the look out for an internet cafe or an adult store when I could at least get some of my fix. The excitement of 'getting away with it' was part of the thrill. How tragic is it that you can be in an amazing overseas country and all I can think about is getting my sex fix.

    I remember reading somewhere on here that if you combine Dopamine with Adrenaline, it's a very powerful cocktail. The trouble is, I'm looking around at my life and I really have no idea what makes me happy, I'm looking for another project to bury myself in, in order to escape. But I know no idea how to have a good time. I don't really have any hobbies and I'm not sure I have that many close friends. I am doubting myself six ways from Sunday.

    I am trying to combat these withdrawals with classic DVDs. Watching something good gets me inspired again. I actually think I may end up being completely useless for the rest of the month. I am glad I'm home along, so no-one is likely to get caught in my mood swings. It's very hard to talk to people about this problem.

    I hope you all are doing well and continuing to push forward.

    PC signing off.
    Merton likes this.
  9. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member


    Managed to make it to my gym training this morning and I have a new program. Now I just need to follow it. Feeling much more stable today. Brain seems to be leveling out.

    I did look at some bikini pics in a magazine and a couple of links, but I didn't feel 'pulled' back into looking at dirty pics. I'm surprised how close some of the mens magazines get to porn. Seems the only difference is the girls are wearing their underwear. I also watched a couple of vids about former porn actresses talking about their industry, Helps to see them as real people and not just as objects.

    Sun is out and heading away with friends for a camping trip this weekend, so that should be a good time to unplug for a while.

    Almost halfway there. Stay porn-free my brothers.

    Much love.
  10. abaabaaba

    abaabaaba Member

    I've that problem too.. you get old, and yours friends follow their lives... And all that you need is porn or things that have no meaning and usefulness in life.

    Luck with the camping.
  11. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    The camping weekend was AMAZING. We were late getting up there and I got a bit stressed, but eventually calmed down and even though the gates were closed we managed to get to our campsite. I ended up in a tent with two girls. Both beautiful, one from Sweden and one from the UK. It felt really good to be lying next to them and not to feel any urge to take advantage of the situation.

    In the past I would have tried something, but now, either cause I'm flatlining or I'm just seeing women in a different light, it was great just to be there and enjoy their company. They both feel asleep on my shoulders and I felt protective of them both.

    We went on a hike the second day and I just focused on how amazing the landscape was. The weather was perfect. I kept noticing my mind wandering, but this time it stayed pretty clear. The hiking was good and it felt amazing to be outside. Later in the afternoon, we drove back to town and an American friend of mine had prepared an awesome thanks giving dinner. We all stuffed ourselves.

    There was a girl there that I had a crush on earlier this year and it was nice to admire how pretty she was and not really feel a massive hungry lust towards her. Overall an amazing weekend. I feel recharged. It's strange to re-read that I thought that I was isolated alone, when really I am surrounded by amazing people. I just have to open my eyes to see it. :)

  12. sickbump

    sickbump Member

    Hello Professor,
    I've read your journal, and I'm shocked by the realisation that a lot of my experiences mirror yours. My max noPMO-tour lasted 29 days, the current one is almost exactly the same as yours, just off by a few hours. You wrote in another thread, that BDSM was your drug of choice, mine too. Also, your panic atacks regarding the gym even though you trained tgere earlier, same here. And there are many more similarities.
    I encourage you to keep fighting, and will follow your journal as a supporter. Keep strong!
  13. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Thanks man, We are all interconnected on this journey. I'm pleased to hear that we are both in this fight together. It's easy to think that our situations are unique, but it's heartening to hear others going through the same struggle.

    In other words, I got ya back, bro! :)

    When I started my meditation practice (Vipassana) The teacher would talk about being free from suffering (title of my journal( and being free from bondage. In my mind at the time, I remember thinking, but surly he doesn't mean... I guess that's why they are ancient wisdoms. Sometimes they are very literal.

  14. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Yesterday was a challenge. I was Skyping with a friend and ended up on the IMDB looking up a movie he was referring to. From there I looked up one of the actresses in the film I thought was pretty. That lead me to a list of 350 hottest actresses on the site. I sat there clicking through them. From there I started googling the actresses I liked, looking for bikini pictures. I ended the call with my friend and I could actually see how the expression on my face had changed...

    "Yeah, yeah, OK, gotta go, talk to you later, bye"

    From the list of bikini photos of this one particular actress, my mouse hovered over switching google search from 'moderate' to 'unfiltered' it hung there for a while, just enough time for me to close my laptop and walk away.

    Last night I went to yoga and had a sort of strange panic attack. I made it through two or three poses then walked out and curled up into a ball in the guys changing area. I could feel my breath coming in and out. I realized it wasn't so much a panic attack, but rather my body and brain were saying... this is too much. Like, this is too much to do in one day.

    I did make it to the gym yesterday and got through the routine set out bu my instructor, my goal is to go again this morning. Hopefully I won't get overwhelmed again.

    The meditation that I'm doing is very intense. It's called Vipassana and it makes me very aware of how much I use fantasy as a means to escape from reality. I've been doing this my whole life. It leads to a developed imagination and I was able to use this to get paid to do this sort of thing as a job.

    Since Feb this year, I've been undergoing a major lifestyle change since the Vipassana course. It's altered the way that I view the world and how I feel about myself. For the first time in my life I felt actual peace and it was beautiful, I felt a sense of oneness with nature. The course is free and is a ten day silent retreat, where you go inwards and deal with stuff deep inside your mind. One of the biggest battles for my psychically was not being able to look at porn or have sex for ten days. Men and women are separated and the women are asked to dress modestly (comfortable, but not revealing) I didn't understand why this was so important, but it became apparent by the end of the course.

    This battle against my own lust consumed me, but I thought I'd bested it. But is got stronger and stronger once out in the worlds and it is not an opponent that wants to stay down. For some reason I thought that I could still look at hardcore images of women (and men) being abused and degraded and not have it cause and ill effect on me being a good person. Porn use had become such a part of my life that there seemed nothing wrong with sneaking away with my laptop for a bit of 'private time.' However I noticed that the fixes where not as strong as they used to be.

    I'm still trying to purge this from my system. The good news is, each battle I fight, I get a little stronger and I can feel the images and cravings getting weaker. The longer they are without fuel the stronger I become. But I know that it is a smart opponent and it will wait till I am weak or tired to strike. I can't tell you all how good it feels to know I have not only support, but others to be accountable to on this forum.

    In the past I've not worried about it, because as long as my family doesn't find out, the only person really effected, is me. But that's the whole point, learning to look after and care for myself as someone of value. I think porn always seems like a victimless crime. But we are the victims of our own suffering and it's up to us to come out of it.

  15. FindingSanctuary

    FindingSanctuary One foot before the other.

    Very insightful post, Prof. Chaos. Looking forward to reading more from you.
  16. Shampal

    Shampal Member

    You are completely right about fighting PC. Review your triggers every once and a while as they may change and the monster inside keeps looking for weak spots and has so many tricks because it knows you very well and is using your resources

    ! you are doing great! :D
  17. Eagle.33.12

    Eagle.33.12 New Member


    Great to see you comittement though this endovour. The perspective and the approach with excersize and mediation is one that I would like to take. Wish you best in you pursuit and struggle against the evil wolf.

  18. sickbump

    sickbump Member

    I agree, very insightful and familiar thoughts. I can attest to the weakening grip of temptations we're used to giving place to new ones we were not prepared against. We must always be ready to turn and adjust our perspectives. This is the hard part: staying the course while it is always changing.
    Keep strong!
  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    @Shampal Thank you for the encouraging words. :)

    @Eagle.33.12 Here's some more info about the meditation technique that I use. otherwise, just find a quiet space and sit for 20 minutes and observe your breathing. You may want to start with 5 minutes, then 10, then 15. I can't recommend it enough.

    @sickbump Thanks brother. It's like any sort of fitness, you have to maintain the practice in order to see the results. One of the quotes from my spiritual teacher is "Continuation of practice is the secret to success"

    In contrast with yesterday, today I feel great. Last night I slept for like 11 hours, deep sleep and woke up with a hardon. This morning after meditation, I have much more energy. It's just a matter of keeping myself busy.

    Off to the gym this morning. I went last night, but they closed before I could finish my routine. I've FINALLY started to watch Game of Thrones. There's a bit of nudity in there, but nothing strong enough to trigger me. My will power is normally pretty good, it's just when I'm online that I catch myself slipping.

    I have a question for those of you reading this. How do you approach telling friends and family members about what you're going through? I'm not sure how to explain that I'm going through withdrawal when they all know that I don't take drugs (I don't even drink alcohol).


  20. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Well-Known Member

    Just got back from a travel trip in a city I used to live. Saw a lot of old friends. I also spent an afternoon with a girl that I used to sleep with. We have pretty mad sexual chemistry so it was very challenging. She's in a new relationship and I'm trying to abstain. She's very sweet and for the best part we managed to keep our hands to ourselves. Eventually I managed to rope in a chaperon and that helped. Still was very horny after seeing her. The thing that I've noticed is that I'm much more attracted to real girls now and actual sex acts, rather than the thrill of 'fantasy sex'.

    Left on the plane this morning feeling horny and having memories haunt me. She's been texting me, because she also used to suffer from depression. She's a great girl and I do miss her sometimes.

    I had a blood test before I left, but I've been noticing an acute escalation in depressive behavior. I think P was one of the things I used to mask a lot of problems. I'd retreat into when I felt down and it was a button push. A way of instantly generating excitement. I haven't had time to meditate today and I can feel the pull of P. I can feel the little voice whispering, just go for it, but I will resist.

    I think if the doctor comes back and says that my blood tests are all clear, then I will look at getting some professional help. There's a girl I know who really likes me. She's about to leave the country to go back home and I keep fantasying about sleeping with her before she leaves. I think I'm facing some serious moral challenges as well as sexual ones.

    Stay strong brothers, even just writing this much helps.

    Kind Regards

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