For the record, 6 years in retraining

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by RusselZausel, Aug 6, 2021.

  1. RusselZausel

    RusselZausel New Member

    I am a point where i feel a lot of shame and am humiliated by sexuality altogether.

    I can't rationally justify sexual relations and consider it blameworthy in all circumstance.

    Getting obsessed by lust, behaving recklessly, compromises all things important.

    I stopped meditation for about a year now because i felt contented with the progress and other circumstances such as small mistakes accumulating, all made it impossible to continue.

    The training was getting intense with visions & hallucinations during the last 45 day push. I'd have visions of corpses during meditation, my own corpse and even when not meditating if id think of a sexual theme as visualizing female body, the bodies would morph into corpses and become utterly unattractive.

    It calmed down eventually as i stopped training on hardmode.

    Therefore going forward i want to prepare for a lot more of that as it is apparently standard in course of rewiring.

    Now trying to find a suitable location to do 90 days + and that in a few months.

    Until then i will just try to get by and not do too much damage because these passions come on with a vengeance and i know exactly how much directed cognitive work is needed to suppress it but i am too disturbed to do the work here without support.

    Itt am failing myself & everyone around and should just go do what needs to be done alone in the forest... but hypocrisy and laziness are also part of the problem associated with pmo.

    This last year i became relatively rich, didn't totally neglect the training but i devoted myself to sensuality & heedlessness.

    I also accumulated some useless & useful knowledge and settled a lot of affairs such that i don't have any relationships where i might be asked for favors and have no duties.

    This is now a bit fucked up because i got all this time to pmo, self improvement or picking up women but my motivations are polarized as to meditative pleasure being primary & relatively difficult to obtain and sensuality as a lowly pursuit which is easy to obtain but is counter productive as to behavioral conditioning. Therefore sensuality is rather painful nowadays when i think about it.

    What i do notice is that a lot has been done. In 6 years the brain is well on the way to reforming as old cells are dismantled and there is a genesis of new structures.

    I do feel like i have a new brain but that it has a tumor of old wiring that needs to atrophy.

    For it to atrophy i need to seclude myself from triggering stimuli activating those neural pathways and find contentment in seclusion so that in another 7-15 years there is none if that structural garbage left.
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2021

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