Back from the vacation trip with my boys. It was really fun but also very exhausting. Little sleep, lots of alcohol and always people around. The good thing is that I almost never thought about relapsing. Only a few times in the shower. The bad thing is that a lot of my old anxieties started coming up again. I usually don't say a lot I don't feel the need but when I'm tired it is, even more, the case. In normal situations, I can then just be tired and quiet on my own but now I was surrounded by people all the time and I feel like they want me to talk and make jokes as they do. Even though they say that I don't have to but it still feels like that. If it is the wittiness I'm lacking I start thinking that I'm less smart then they are and less funny, likable or boring. Some have friends have told me they think I'm smart. I think because if I'm quiet it looks like I'm thinking of something important but the real case is that I'm just thinking what a loser I am(not always the case of course). So I feel sort of like a fraud I don't fully show who I am cause I'm afraid they don't like what they see or that I don't like what I see. Well now I'm back and I don't have to deal with people for a while. I will try to get back in the rhythm sleeping well and exercising again and start making music and posting it online. Also, start working on my appearance. Cause I noticed a lot of my anxieties come from that as well. Me looking at others and comparing myself with them. So think about which hairstyle I want which clothes. It must be something I want and also something that attracts the girls I like.