For the girls (and for me ofcourse)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mekkeren, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    I said goodbye to my grandma yesterday. She has cancer and is probably going to die in the next few days. Usually, I don't feel too many strong emotions but, I really had a lump in my throat. But it feels good to feel something. I always would like these moments to be special but it is real life so things go clumpy. Things don't come out as I want them too. And my grandma is not the sentimental type anyways. But she did say to me there is no reason to be said there are so many beautiful things in life. I will keep this memory very dear to me. It made me think of the things I really value. Real life connections like this are what I want. These are the only healthy way of numbing the pain of this lonely existence I think.

    After getting home I went to my friends and told them what happened. It felt good to share something so personal once. But after that, the night went on like it usually does. Smoking weed and drinking. Went home pretty early again cause I wasn't feeling it.

    Back home again I was thinking about relapsing. To feel a little comfort. But it just felt so wrong to my grandma to be sitting there jerking in front of a screen, that is not what she would like me to be, so I stopped. It isn't the real-life connection that I crave. And it never will be.
    Probably still going to have urges but with this, in mind, I'm sure I can beat them.

    PS: The exam I had yesterday went horrible. The studying went better the more I did it thanks to the tip of the study excel sheet from Chosen Undead and the plugin stayfocusd that PC suggested. But still, it went shit. Haven't learned the matter the right way and didn't sleep well the last couple days. I will work extra hard for the resit now.
    Stay strong guys.
  2. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Not going to like the previous post, as I feel sorry about your grandmother's medical condition. I too lost a grandmother, seeing her alive in the morning and having her die at night. It's a different kind of feeling, seeing someone close to you die. But it's a feeling we must all go through. Take this time to be open, reach out to others, and have good company. Also be cautious about resetting/relapsing, as I've heard from other members that the changes increase especially after drinking or smoking weed, as our executive centers (impulse control) is diminished.

    I'm glad you are using the excel sheet to keep track of studying hours. Continue to log hours in and see the values improve. Increase your study endurance slowly but surely. Remember, no one is born an A student. The students that always receive A's without trying are not facing their full potential. I'm a proud B+ student. Make sure in addition to study habits that you harbor a healthy mind and sleep well. Sleep is crucial, especially in college. Call me a "square" but I always made an effort to get 9 hours of sleep in college. Sleep, exercise, and my studies were important in college. Everything else was secondary.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  3. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks man,

    Losing someone that close to you is though yeah. She died today. And I have peace with it. I got my chance to say goodbye and have been visiting her a lot recently. She had a happy life and lived to be 84 so not a bad age. It is especially hard to see my father and grandfather sad. Don't see too often grown man cry.

    In honour of her, I will beat this addiction!

    Tomorrow I begin studying again. And you are right sleep is key. I need at least 9 hours of sleep to have a productive day.
    But this weekend been investing a lot of time in Music as a replacement for porn and it brings me much joy and fulfilment something that porn can't give.

    Best Regards
    Chosen Undead likes this.
  4. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Okay, the last few days I have been kinda down. Seeing death so close to me made me think of my own mortality a lot again and all the pointless suffering we go through in this life. And start to doubt if it is all worth it.
    But I have to believe it is worth it. There are so many beautiful things in life I just have to work to get them. Nothing will ever happen if I just sit on my ass all day and fantasize what will happen. "The past is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift"

    Also, I need to really stop procrastinating if I don't want to fall into the same pattern again. --> I procrastinate--> I feel bad about it --> want to feel good again --> Relapse.
  5. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Condolences for your Grandma man.

    I often deal with these kinds of thoughts. Existential ones. Especially when I am in a depressive phase, in a rut. It's made me wonder how much of my depression isn't actually spiritually rooted rather then the common psychological angle/explanation.

    The pain is interesting though in a way, because it offers the possibility to dig deeper and perhaps come out with some (personal and honest) answers and some lasting strength. This is more easily said then done though, but still.

    Viktor Frankl wrote that despair = suffering - meaning (D = S - M). When we find a meaning to our pain, we don't have despair anymore.

    What's good is you are not tempted by relapse right now. Most probably those answers won't be found in relapse. I honestly think the only way to find real answers is to accept and get to know the pain instead of running away from it.
    Mekkeren likes this.
  6. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks man,

    Yeah, I hope I can use this experience as a sort of wake up call. Like you said to find meaning back in my life otherwise it would just be despair and doom thinking. Although I think it is a rational and realistic way of thinking and looking at the world. ( Studies have shown that depressed people are more realistic). But that is not the way I want to go through life. Why if I just have one would I be sad all the time. It is a waste of time. That doesn't mean I just want to be fully delusional, I should still recognize it for what it is and where it comes from. And if I don't have the answers for it go look for them, but a little slack in the negative thinking could not do much harm.

    I love your Viktor Frankl quote btw. Makes a lot of sense.

    Stay strong!
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  7. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 0

    Reading the last post I made now feels pretty silly. Cause I already felt this coming. I started edging to girls on Reddit than stopping and doing it the next day all over again.

    Once again the filters made it clear that they are only there to keep slow down the exposure to the material.

    Why can't I ever think rational when this is happening? It is so frustrating that I don't have control over myself. Only once I come and all the negative feeling come rushing back (brainfog, anxiety, lethargy), do I start thinking again about all the things I read.

    One of the reasons I think this happened, is that I have been procrastinating on work I have to do for a project this weekend, but still sitting in front of the screen. Makes it so tempting go to my comfort space. Maybe good to mention, the shit I watch is femdom and mostly girls saying that I am owned by them and that I am addicted. Which makes it even more real and exciting when I actually prove that point by giving in. Knowing this the next time I procrastinate(which will happen again) I should just do something fully different. Beware of this

    One of the other reasons that I relapsed was that I was feeling kind of shit about myself today and the whole funeral situation.

    I and the other grandchildren got together to talk through what everyone was going to say at the funeral. Everyone was bringing up anecdotes they had with grandma from way back in the day. And I could just remember very general things about her and recent encounters I had. Emidiatlly my inner-voice started saying: You are dumb, unattentive and only think about yourself.

    This voice has lessened in the last years but is still very much there in stressful situations like this. Situations I am not familiar with. I should work on this. Get used to dealing with stress and lower the negative inner voice. (Look into Pema Chodron)

    I now just have to shrug this off and take this reboot even more serious now. So the plan is:

    - Visited YBR every day and write when you feel like it.
    - Exercise every day switching between cardio and muscle exercises
    - 1 hour of solitude every day. That means no music, no internet, no tv, no food. Just sitting and observing what happens.
    - Study at 4 hours a day. That must be possible. Maybe increase as it goes I proceed. (keep up the study scheme excel sheet)
    - Limit time on Youtube and Reddit to 1 hour a day.
    - And take cold showers. (this is new to me, but I read a lot of good things about it. And I'm willing to try it)

    The time I'm typing this should actually be used to study. But I need to write this down for myself. Will start again fresh tomorrow again.
  8. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Be proud that you've managed to complete 20 days, especially in the midst of this stressful family emergency. It's great that you have identified what you've reset to and why you did. My question to you is, "why do you use Reddit anyway?".

    Would you be willing to take the plunge and not use Reddit completely? There was a time when I used Reddit to browse certain forums (not-pornographic but negative in thinking). I blocked my access to Reddit a long time ago and have never turned back since. Would you be willing to take this step?
    Mekkeren likes this.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Hey man, just in case you forget this golden rule, don't be hard on yourself. It's simple to forget but learning to do this behavior took a long time and it may take some time to learn how to not do it. Important thing is to have a good attitude (easier said then done I know lol). But if one keeps a good attitude, one of a student of life, he will accept his slips, forgive himself (sooner or later) - make peace with the last slip - and from that point he can learn and improve his craft at the next effort will be better.

    If you've just gonna around 20 days, that's really great (seriously) ! That's a great stride. I started trying to stop PMO, consciously, when I was 25 (I'm 31 now). I had a gf back then and was PMOing all the time, on the side of our sexual relationship. At first, after learning about YBOP and NOFap (googling it totally depressed after binges), I was making about 4 or 5 days streaks. I then gave up for a whole year, and when I came back, more serious, at 26, I was making 7 day streaks, 10 day streaks and at some point I was able to make 18 days. I use to keep falling at 17 or 18 for a while. I kept trying and slowly I got better, I learned what to add next to just abstention, how that is actually more important. How the best streaks sort of happen naturally, as a symptom of real progress. Most importantly I had to learn not to go down in an incredible depression when I would slip off. I use to be so dramatic and beat myself up hard. Nowadays, when I stumble off, I still feel really bad and disappointed (usually) but I don't seem to go over the top dramatic as much. And I focus on keep on doing all the other good things I try to do, apart from staying off the P.

    Anyways, all this to say that this thing may take some time for some. For others, progress comes quicker. We are all a different riddle. The fact that you went 20 days, and you wrote somewhere earlier in your journal you've done 30 days, are really good signs.

    Sexual reward is a strong chemical process in your brain. At the point of edging (especially if done for a few days) you're mind becomes impaired by the drug. It's very hard, pretty much impossible, at that point to stop the cycle. Addiction is a cycle and the first step comes way before the final external acting out. The first steps towards a new slip up are way more subtle. Uncomfortable emotions, negative self talk. Many times when we are on a long streak we are able to defuse a new acting out phase. We sometimes don't even know it, but guided by the right motivation for change (a vision) we do the right thing. We disconnect sooner then later. The later you try to disconnect, the harder it is.

    Anyways, this was a bit of a ramble but I hope it can help a bit. It's a lot of usual and basic advice so if you know most of it, consider I've written it for myself :)

    Keep trying man, you're doing really good !
    Mekkeren likes this.
  10. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Yes, 20 days is actually not bad thinking about it now. I hope to enhance it even further.

    I already limited my Reddit use significantly with the stayfocusd extension on chrome. And I might want to block it entirely in a while. But I need something to take my mind of things sometimes. Something where I don't really have to think during my leisure time between studying (maybe I should just sit and do nothing, but that is kind of boring and I want to stay in touch with the world in some way).

    I am beginning to realize this as well through all the stuff I read of successful rebooters and people in general. If you are your own best friend you want the best for yourself and don't want to be stuck in this awful addiction. That means acknowledging that you are human and imperfect. Slip-ups happen we just have to shrug it off. That is what I'm trying to do now each time it happens.

    Very true! I still need a clear vision. I'm working on it.

    Furthermore, today was the funeral of my grandma. And I had the opportunity to talk. That meant talking to 260 people in a small church, which is very nervewracking but I still did it in the style of getting out of the comfort zone. But the whole experience of a funeral is never comfortable so I did not really have a choice of staying in the comfort zone.

    The whole funeral was beautiful by the way. But I'm glad it is over cause I was really not looking forward to it. And now I have closure in a certain sense.

    I'm exhausted by the whole thing not sure really why. Maybe the high emotions, high tension and all the social interactions through the day.

    But the good news is that I have no urge whatsoever.
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