For the girls (and for me ofcourse)

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by Mekkeren, Apr 23, 2019.

  1. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Day 3:

    Didn't do much today. I always find it hard to start the day off. My plan was to start in the morning with studying until the evening. But instead, I only started at 16:00 o'clock. I don't have many lectures so it is mostly self-study. And that requires self-discipline. The same kind that I need to break through this compulsive addiction.

    I have to admit I did check out a cam site again. But did not act on it. It is hard to change your life around when it is already fine. But that is is it. It is fine now but it could be so much better. And what is fine now will not be the case in five years. Tomorrow I will write down what I would like to accomplish this year, in five years and maybe even ten years.

    I've been reading the journal of Wabi-sabi. It is really insightful, honest and human. He does not censor anything just shows his weakness and by doing that he knows what he should work on. I want to do the same. I believe it is the only way.

    Mekkeren
     
  2. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Hey @Mekkeren, I think especially in our 20s it's easy to kind of relax and enjoy things. Cause in our 20s, even if we don't have everything we would like, life is still often pretty chill, pretty layed back. We have the best commodity, at that time, which is youth and time. But as you say, if we simply stay in this status quo, it will slowly deteriorate, and later on it's not as fun. Best thing is to be realistic about the fact that time passes and if we don't work on our problems things will be worst later on (and guided by this approach to take steps in the direction we want to take instead) and, in the same time, still enjoy the fruits of our youth at that point. Best of luck forward !

    I think that's a great thing to do. In the end, it's all about connecting to what we truly want, to our values, and realizing getting there takes steps. I should do this to.
     
  3. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Hey @Thelongwayhome27, thanks for reading my journal.

    Yeah, I would like to find the fine balance between still enjoying that I'm young and making a whole lot of mistakes and being prepared for when I'm older. So, for now, I would just like to try a lot of stuff. And make some guidelines instead of goals. Or maybe ideals.
    It’s disastrous to set goals for myself I think, especially material ones because they will keep me from becoming who I really am. Cause if I do not succeed in achieving those goals I would feel like a failure and a loser even tho I've made great progress hopefully.

    First, what can I do this month?:

    Make some general attempts to get into contact with girls.

    Thus learn how to keep up conversations.

    Learn how to tell engaging stories.

    Learn how to look people in the eye.

    All without the use of alcohol just like you Thelongwayhome27. Cause that is cheating and prone to cause relapses. Not sure where to find the right girls for me tho. I've tried using tinder and got three dates out of it. But just like most people on that app, I did not take it very seriously and often the conversations I would be having were pretty boring.

    - Keep up with the courses; when bored working on school at least then you are bored and do something productive. Make a schedule for it as well. T00 make sure I pass the module. Cause I don't want anymore study delay.
    - Meditate every day for 6 min. Doesn’t have to be special. Just lying on bed and focusing on your breathing is fine.
    - Waste less time on youtube/Reddit.
    - Visit grandma regularly
    - See live concerts get. Get inspired to play more. And start producing music again. Make my youtube page more that of an artist. Take it seriously.

    Tomorrow I will write down what I would like to achieve this year.
     
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  4. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    These are some good guidelines/areas to improve on. Don't be afraid to set goals and certainly don't be afraid of failure. I've failed a lot through my undergraduate journey. Before getting to medical school, I've constantly performed below expectations. Rather than give up and blame the teacher/material, I continued to work out and iron out the weaknesses I had academically. I've built better time management, study endurance, and study techniques through mini-failures along the way. The same occurred during my reboot. Through the years, I've slowly cut down social media to where I don't use it anymore. I've cut down video-games to where I don't play anymore. The same with the PMO-free reboot, where I'm learning to cut back on internet use and secure my computer further. Don't be afraid of failure because it's a valuable teacher. Some of my best insight comes from failing.

    For example, I used to go to lecture and not really know what to do. I would sit down, scribble some notes, that go home and read the textbook. It landed me B/B+, because I was studying on my own from the textbook. I was getting low 80's on exams which was starting to add up as I barely cleared the B range. What did I do? I first improved my "study endurance". I went from studying 20 minutes per day to multiple 45 minute chunks per day. At my peak in junior year, I was clearing between 4 to 6 hours per day. I started copying lecture notes by hand instead of bringing my computer to class. Instead of re-writing my notes for exams, I've started making my own questions. It was through doing poorly that I learned to do better (enough to get into medical school).

    The point is, you can't get the right answer right away sometimes. It comes through trial and error.
     
  5. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Hey chosen undead, glad you are still here

    Great tips. Yeah, I'm very afraid of failure most of the time. That's why I rather perform on very low expectations than aim high and perform under them. It is about time I change that. I've cut down social media also once I realized it does not ad a whole lot to my life. The people I want to stay in contact with I already see in my daily life.

    How long did it take you to get to 4 to 6 hours a day? I can now barely get 1 hour a day without the lectures included.
    Does it get easier over time or is it still very much a struggle? The point is I don't really have a clear goal as regards to my study. I quite like it but not sure if I will be happy working in that field. So it is hard to bring up motivation.

    As for not fapping, I did peak again today on a cam-site. It is like every time I post here and I feel good about myself. My brain thinks I could use a reward from Porn. It still believes it is not that bad. But as soon as I cum, I come to my senses and realize how much better I felt just before that (I did not fap for the record, but even typing in the name of the site undermines the progress). I have to keep reminding myself that and have faith that it will become even better in the long run. I thought I blocked all the sites but the addict always finds a way. Well just keep strong and build up great habits as a foundation.
     
  6. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    1) Cutting back on social media, and possibly eliminating all of it, will help restore a lot of confidence in yourself and help you focus on your narrative instead of others. I don't have social media. I have no Facebook account, though I use Facebook Messenger through my cellphone number to keep in touch with people I rather not text. It's a strange feeling being the only person in my generation that you can't really reach on Facebook or other sites. It adds a lot of mystery to my persona (even though I'm not hiding anything or remotely interesting), and some people find it really cool. I challenge you to start small and work your way to nothing. Maybe start with blocking your twitter account or Snap-chat account?

    2) It took me four years or so to get to a point where I can study a good four to six hours per day. I started by keeping a study log and setting goals each week. During the first few weeks I studied about 10-15 hours per day. This number slowly increased over time to 35-40 hours per week (which is basically full time studying). My advice is to train your study endurance like you are training for a marathon. Start lightly and build up. When I started building study endurance, I was study for 20 minute chunks, maybe twice per day. Then I would add more chunks. Then I would increase this time to 30 minutes per day...then 45 minutes per day...and so forth. Additional things you need to do is to exercise and stay of the PMO, as it will decrease motivation, mental energy, and induce brain fog.

    3) I would block your cam-site web-pages. Edging and taking glances is a slippery slope, as in my case. I still fall to the occasional edge and peak much like anyone else does. The thing about pornography is that it's free and right at our fingertips. It's not like other drugs where you need to seek it out in person, buy it, and use it. It's not like alcohol either, because you can use pornography and go back into society without anyone noticing you abuse it. Addicts will find a way, you are absolutely right. It took me one year to finally figure out some solid software. For the record, I use anti-pornography software that I don't have the passwords to. The password and login information are owned by my accountability partners. All software is also set on maximum settings. Considering I don't have social media, use reddit and other forums, I have no qualms against blocking these sites. I also have software on top of that that blocks installation of these programs, task manager, command prompt, and system configuration. All cellphones in my house use a parent control app on maximum settings that are owned also by other accountability partners. With a lot of trial and error, I've managed to make them extremely difficult to get around, though there is always a way if I pursue it. It's why this is a journey of willpower.
     
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  7. -Luke-

    -Luke- Active Member

    Great tips from @Chosen Undead.

    I totally agree with the social media stuff. I deleted my facebook and twitter accounts at the end of last year (never was on Instagram or snapchat). I found that social media can be really bad for your self-esteem. People post about their greatest successes, all the good things in their lives. They share the most beautiful holiday pictures and most interesting stories. You see that and feel bad, because "everyone else is having fun and I feel like shit". Being average in some areas is the new sign of failure and being great feels like the new normal. That can be really detrimental to ones self worth. Don't compare yourself to other people, compare yourself to the man you were before. Spending a lot of time on facebook or instagram can also be used as a porn replacement. It can be just as bad.
     
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  8. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks for the input guys,

    I will integrate all the things you said into my life @Chosen Undead

    It is true social media is devastating for your self-esteem. There is way too much emphasis on making your life perfect (as if that is even possible). I still have facebook for some music communities I'm part of but other than that I don't use it anymore and actually have no interest in it anymore. First it seemed like a really big deal to delete almost all the "friends" I've had on there, but once I did it I haven't missed it for one bit ever. We don't need it. In addition, it is way nicer to meet new people without first having checked their facebook account and already having prejudices.

    I went out yesterday with some friend and as it goes with us it usually involves drinking and smoking weed. Thus also yesterday. It was very fun, I haven't seen some in a while so it was great to catch up again and be social. Usually, I notice myself having quite a bit of anxiety about how I'm acting or not saying the right things or not saying anything. But yesterday everything went smooth with only a few of those thoughts entering my mind. So this might mean that not PMOing already has some effect on my outlook on life. It also felt I could read body language way better than usual and was more empathic.

    Today the urges have been very strong. Because of the intox of yesterday. So I need to be extra aware of this. These are the pinnacle times on which my willpower is most put to the test. Remember H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, tired) Not sure who said it again but these are usually the states in which I relapse. I would also add bored to it another one of those states where I need to be aware of.
    Studying today has also been hard because of this fact but still managed to do 2 hours which is quite a lot for me. Going to gradually increase it over time. Now going to visit grandma and see what the rest of the day would bring.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Good luck managing the urges today. It's good you are getting out of the house and have some things planned, plans are the best way to deal with urges sometimes (always?). Next day, after drinking or smoking or partying, the urges and cravings are intense for me (probably for everyone?). Good thing to remember is that, if you hold strong today, they will go back to more normal levels from tomorrow onward.
     
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  10. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    It's funny that you mention deleting your friends and the anxiety over it. In reality, most people don't really have 500-2000 friends. In fact, the average person barely has a number in the double-digits. One thing I've learned is that people you want to keep in your life will stay in your life. True friends are the ones that stay for a long time. After college ended, I'm really in touch with three close friends.

    Your real life contacts and friends you see face-to-face give the most meaning in your life, not the number of friends on your friend's list. Also, there's really no point to quantify the amount of friends you have. One great close-friend is infinitely better than 10 friends by proxy.

    I've never heard of H.A.L.T, but I can assure you boredom is the number one reason why I reset/relapse. When do I reset? When I'm home alone (I'm an only child and both my parents work). What do I do when I'm on school vacation and have no responsibilities? Well...the temptations are extremely high.
     
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  11. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Very true, I managed to make it through that day. And like you said, today was way easier although I still had a bunch of urges. Weirdly enough because I felt so good about myself. I plan to make more plans ;) Still gonna upload my life plans. Maybe tomorrow.

    Also very true, I plan is to be even more involved with my friends these days. Seeing that they also all have their problems and I want to be there for them. Even though that might be awkward for some of them lol. And boredom for me is also definitely the number one cue for PMO same with Tiredness.

    Studying still is hard for me but I'm getting there. Today barely managed 2 hours of studying. Will try to do better tomorrow. Will wake up early, have breakfast, meditate and than go to the library to study there in chunks of 25 minutes. Not much else to do these days. I've got a very important test next Friday. So that is all I will be focusing on mostly. But I'm also trying to learn something new every day about how to overcome this addiction. Just to keep me focused.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  12. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    One thing I would advise you do is keep an excel sheet showing how much time you are studying per day. I had one set up where it was Mon-Sun, with the last column being the total hours I've studied this week. I would personally start in 20 minute increments and build up to 45 minutes and subsequent breaks. Try it out and let me know how it works out?
     
  13. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Great tip @Chosen Undead thanks, Will definitely use it.

    Doing pretty okay currently. It is now 'study time'. So I'm in front of the computer almost the whole day. Which usually gives rise to the urge to peak. But knowing that, I mostly study in the library and when I can't in the living room.

    I really have the feeling I should make some major changes in my life. Like pursuing my passion(music) more and spend more time socializing. But this is not possible right now because of the studying which is kind of frustrating but whatever. The feeling is also amplified by all the musicians I admire that are pursuing their dreams. While I have been waisting my time fapping.

    Came by this great quote from Pema Chodron in Wabi-sabi's journal: “Nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.” His journals are amazing. I will read the whole thing.

    Wabi furthermore said about this:

    "Any negative action, habit or problem that keeps recurring - ie an addiction - really should be seen as a message. Rather than going along with it, or living in denial, you ask why. Why am I watching porn?

    When I relapse it's a message - I've not fully addressed my issues. I need to get smarter, work harder, and just be more patient. This is a long game. I have the rest of my life to keep on refining my process.

    Positivity breeds positivity. I just keep pushing myself on"

    I should keep this in mind always when rebooting.
     
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  14. Chosen Undead

    Chosen Undead Active Member

    Here's a quote I've been pondering. A dragon told me this in a video game I used to play (skyrim):

    “What is better: to be born good or to overcome your evil nature through great effort?”
    - Paathurnax


    Context: In this game, a dragon known as Paathurnax tells the main character that he was made to kill, dominate, and rule over other species. It is in the nature and blood of a dragon to do so. But this dragon realizes the suffering and destruction caused by its own innate desires and has opted for a path where it overcomes the urge to fight, kill, and destroy other species. Instead it learns to control it's anger and impulses. He even says this in his speech: "No day goes by where I am not tempted to return to my inborn nature, for it is the way of the dov (dragon).

    Basically, I've been telling myself that our lives are much better and meaningful if we are able to overcome our difficulties, challenges, and negative qualities rather than be born into a perfect person. A perfect person is rather boring in the long run, as there really isn't any change or anything worth watching. A person that knowingly changes himself and overcomes his struggles through self-realization, multiple failures, and tries to be good is a person worth learning from and admiring.

    That being said, this quote really resonates with me. We can give into our base impulses of over-eating, over-indulging in social media, porn, etc, or we can rise above these and experience true change. The choice however is yours and requires great effort.
     
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  15. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Stayfocused is an awesome plug in for chrome. Let’s you set time limits on sites while still allowing exceptions for things like music sites or research websites. Check it out. It’s helped me a lot with work/study/productivity.

    Great work so far.

    PC

    Stat
     
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  16. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks, guys for stopping by, together we can make it through this

    '

    Great quote @Chosen Undead. Really gives strength saying it out loud. Haven't played Skyrim myself still but all my friends love it didn't know you could learn life lessons from it also.

    I came to the realization by reading a lot of post of experienced members that it does take way more effort than I thought. And I have never really put much effort into anything so far. I was always okay with the way that took the least effort. So for instance, if I had to work in groups, I would accept the task that was not that difficult but was also not very exciting. If I wanted something exciting I would have porn in just one click. BAM!
    But it takes time, patience and effort to make something exciting out of your life.
    Right now studying is boring, but it will pay of when I succeed the test and don't have to do it next year.
    Quitting Porn makes space free for thinking about the future. What do I actually want to do with my life?

    Thanks PC, I have heard about it will definitely check it out.

    I don't have much else to write about today so on to the next day!
     
  17. Tyr

    Tyr New Member

    Hey man,

    If I were you I would focus on accomplishing your tests for now, thinking about the big wide future can wait. You'll have plenty of time to think once you pass. Otherwise your eyes aren't on the road in front of you.

    Most of the time people pick life paths out of desperation, not inspiration.


    Here's a useful exercise whenever you feel ready:

    Get two pieces of paper, on the first one: Write down ONLY what you know for 100% fact about yourself eg. "I am x height", "I enjoy music".. Include even the most basic details.. Once you have this list distill it down to the things that matter the most to you "I enjoy music" etc.

    Second piece of paper: Write down the things about how you know you never want your life to be "I never want to not have money for food", "I never want to work construction", "I don't want to live with x type partner".

    Look at these two pages side by side and really contemplate how these things COULD manifest if you didn't give life enough effort. Think about how your day to day actions DIRECTLY increase your chances of seeing these negative things occur.

    From knowing what you don't want, you can move away from it and that will be at least in the rough trajectory of what you do want. It may take you North East East, but at least you're not heading South.
     
  18. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Hey @Tyr, thanks for the reply

    My conclusion as well. I'm now in the library taking a little break from studying. It is getting easier the more you do it. After the exam, I think more freely about the future.

    That is an interesting exercise. I will give it a try to see what comes out of it.

    As for today:

    - Almost no urges and feeling pretty good. Not much else to mention as I just studied the whole day.
     
    Professor Chaos likes this.
  19. Professor Chaos

    Professor Chaos Active Member

    Good job man.
    Writers know one thing. The hardest job is not the writing. It’s sitting down to write.

    PC.
     
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  20. Mekkeren

    Mekkeren Member

    Thanks @Professor Chaos, it really is the same with studying. I just force myself as I can to go to the library there is not much else to do than study there.

    Slept terribly today. Not sure if it is because of the abstaining of PMO or just because it is so damn hot. Anyway was really prone to relapse when waking up. I had a raging hard-on and I saw I had some tinder messages when I got my phone to turn off the alarm. Which resulted in me swiping girls while edging.
    I just downloaded the App to get in touch with girls again. And maybe have sex to rewire my brain. But there seems to be a similarity in my brain of scrolling through women on tinder and scrolling through videos on a porn site. Even when I go into it with great intentions, just wanting to meet a nice girl and go on a date, all of a sudden the conversation I am having turns into a game in my head where if I say just the right thing, then next thing I know we will be having sex. That is just not the way it works.

    Once I noticed that I was acting like a total perv. I put it away and went straight into the shower.

    Even though I had some conversations with some nice girls, it is better to delete the app while rebooting. It gives the feeling of instant gratification if you match just like in Porn to keep you hooked. It is entirely designed to keep you on your phone swiping the whole time. And most people just use it to boost their ego.

    Well that is that,

    BACK TO STUDYING
     

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