First direct question from my wife...

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by pdw123, Mar 22, 2018.

  1. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    I've been keeping a journal here for the last month for anyone wanting to see where I am at -


    Just had a mail from my wife with the first direct question - "Were you hooking up with people for sex while we were together?"

    The truthful answer should be "Yes, my porn addiction escalated to me meeting people in real life, I met a couple of women via sex hookup sites, I met and paid several female sex workers for sex, I met up with several men from gay/bi sex hook up sites"

    What is the right level of disclosure? I know that if I am to beat my sex/porn addiction I definitely need to be 100% truthful to my therapist, to SAA and most of all to myself, but how much do I tell to my wife so that I am not harbouring more lies from her but also not completely crushing her?

    I would welcome thoughts and experiences of anyone who has had to face this or similar questions.

    Thank you.
  2. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Well-Known Member

    I am not sure asking some guys on a message board will help, but I will weigh in. If you have a therapist, perhaps couples counseling could help. Or, maybe your therapist can help you come up with a good way to tell her. Maybe a letter, maybe a personal meeting, maybe a session, but having a plan (if not a script) going in sounds like a good idea. Putting the extra effort into it can also communicate how seriously you take it yourself.

    My gut tells me tell her everything or nothing. If you say "yeah, I was doing that, so what?" that isn't honest, because it doesn't show her your struggle or problems. If she is asking you that directly, then she probably suspects enough that never telling her anything just won't be an option.

    I was lucky that I never needed to share my struggles with all that many people. I can only imagine how hard it must be. But, I imagine afterward you'll feel better.

    But really, I'm just some idiot on a message board. :)
  3. lookingahead

    lookingahead To restore my inmost being. Staff Member

  4. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    Tell her the full truth or walk away. Her life, her decision, not yours. You made your decisions. They got you here.

    There is no recovery in a relationship without the foundation of truth. You will continue to live a lie and force her to live a lie by continued manipulation. If you are willing, even pondering, her living out her life built on your lies and secrecy, I would suggest to you that you have a long way to go shedding the addict mindset. You are not seeing her as a person worthy of respect by entertaining further deception. You are not seeing her as the captain of her own life.

    The suggestions of this being therapist guided are good ones. Do get a therapist involved. Good luck to you.
  5. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Feeling very nauseous.

    Since my wife asked me a first direct question a few days ago about 'Had I done...", we had avoided me answering. Me because I didn't know how to and her probably fearful for the answers.

    It has come to a point now; she calmly said that she was going to send me a mail with a number of questions and wanted the answers to know what she was dealing with.

    My entire being is urging me to lie, to cover it up, to try and save my marriage.

    I'm not nauseous because of that, I'm nauseous because I have answered all of the questions honestly. I've not sent it yet, I think there is more I need to say. I was horrible. I betrayed and lied and hurt this woman who did nothing but love me.
  6. pdw123

    pdw123 New Member

    Thank you so much for writing. It was a great help to read the replies and opinions. I have finally been able to write a reply to my wife and will send it to her shortly. It was incredibly difficult, but I have told her everything. I didn't go in to numbers or dates or anything like that, but I told her the topics and the things she wanted to know about. I told her I love her and that I am ashamed of what I wrote about and scared of what will happen from here on. I told her too of me attending SAA, LFF and seeing a therapist. I am committed to being a better person and that, at least, is something to hold on to for now.

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