Findom / Femdom Addiction Recovery

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by breaking_free, Oct 8, 2017.

  1. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    are you seriously debating if being stepped on and being verbally humiliated is apart of your sexuality? come on buddy you deserve better than this bullshit.
     
  2. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    @Naruto558 No, not at all. What I am suggesting is that certain sexual preferences may be innate- a part of who we are, but that if we push those natural tendencies away and reject them, despite them being part of who we are, we then are more likely to adopt negative expressions of it (such as fantasises of being abused in some way).

    For example, if someone is homosexual and faces enormous amounts of shame, guilt and condemnation- whether internal or external, it may cause untold psychological damage to that person, which would result in them adopting compulsive behaviours (watching destructive forms of pornography rather than simply finding a same-sex relationship).

    It's similar with Femdom. Some people might naturally have a preference for a dominant, or submissive partner. It's a part of who they are. And they may well be perfectly capable of seeking and finding a healthy relationship with a dominant-submissive dynamic to fulfil those desires.

    The problems arise when shame, denial and condemnation occur- from the self, or from other judgemental people- who tell them that what they feel isn't "normal". Because when we hate and loathe something about ourselves which we may not be able to change, it drives us into all kinds of self-destructive behaviours.

    So no, I'm not claiming "being stepped on and verbally humiliated" are part of my sexuality- I'm claiming that perhaps because I've tried to deny my sexual preference leans towards a Dominant partner, it has created an internal, un-winnable battle that has had a very negative impact on my self-esteem.

    I don't expect everyone to agree by the way, and what works for you might be something completely different. Ultimately, I guess we're all just trying to do what works for each of us as an individual to heal whatever wounds may have caused us to wind up doing the destructive things we have.
     
  3. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I don't think I explained myself quite well enough. You have forced me to give a more precise explanation, which I thank you for.

    Firstly, I am not battling to overcome my crossgender arousal sexual feelings. I have come to accept that it is an integral part of me. Reading Conrad Felix's books has helped me to understand that too, and attempt to embrace it, as I spoke about on my thread. It will no doubt be my strongest sexual "button", for as long as I live. For other people on this site, conventional porn is their sexual "button". To me, that is the only way I differ from other people on this site. But I am united with them in the most important thing: that we view our PMO (whatever "P" means to us in our particular situations) as stopping us from living fuller lives, better careers. For me it has come to be an addiction, something I do to soothe deep feelings of pain and anger that I have with the world, especially after romantic disappointment, career failings, frustration with the selfish nature of people in general, and disappointment with myself. I need to learn better ways of dealing with these problems and feelings, and not use PMO as a temporary fix.

    That is why I am here. And that is why I am "counting the days" of laying off PMO. Yes, of course, I agree completely that simply abstaining from PMO does nothing. Abstinence is not recovery. But it is the first step. The idea is that as we abstain, we are forced to face head-on the demons that haunt us. Because we no longer have a quick fix. And so, as time goes on, one starts gaining character, gaining the skills to recognize, and face up, to those demons. That is what I am trying to achieve.
     
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  4. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Thank you for your reply. You helped me to consider that I need to be more careful not to project my own interpretations onto others, since we are all going through our own individual journey here for different reasons. So I hope my comments did not come across like I was judging you in any way, because that is not the case.

    It's great that you have reached some self-acceptance in terms of your sexual preferences - if you read my thread you'll see I wrote an entire article on this very subject in the past day or so. So, I definitely can see the benefits of you going through that process.

    I can also see how abstaining from PMO can free you up to focus on certain life goals as well as removing this as an emotional "crutch" to them help tackle head on any issues you may want to deal with.

    I guess we all have things which work for us and things which don't. There's no right or wrong here- because everyone is different.

    For me personally, I am beginning to feel that my sexual preferences for Femdom are not the problem, the problem is the fact I've spent years hating myself for having these feelings and trying desperately to repress them.

    Had I of accepted my sexual preferences many years ago, I may well have been drawn to much more healthy/loving forms of Femdom.

    But because I have spent years repressing these feelings, filled with self-hate and internal conflict, I feel this may have caused me to have developed compulsive behaviours- such as excessively using pornography and being drawn to destructive forms of Femdom.

    Since being more accepting of my sexual preferences, I've felt great. Before, I was viewing every single day as this "battle" to fight against any thoughts, urges, desires that had anything to do with Femdom. And for me, all that did was make those desires 100 times stronger, and set me up for a huge relapse- where I would be consumed with self-hate. It may take 5 days, 10 days, 50 days, whatever- but it would always be the same cycle.

    Ironically, by giving up fighting and resisting, it's lifted a weight off my shoulders. Again, these are just my personal observations so far, and I'm definitely no expert.

    I think if what you are doing is working for you and helping you to get your life going in the direction you want it to, then that's really great, and I hope this continues to work for you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017
  5. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Update
    ----------
    It's been 4 days since I last had any involvement with Femdom humiliation porn or Financial Domination. And unlike my previous attempts at moving away from this stuff, I've so far had absolutely zero urges to return.

    I think what has been massively helping me this time is instead of trying to "resist" (what you resist persists, as they say), which failed so miserably for me before, I am taking instead, an approach that involves facing these fetishes that have troubled me for so long with acceptance.

    I realise some might be confused by this approach. After all- isn't accepting this Fetish the last thing I should be doing?

    Well, I'm going to use a terrible analogy. Think of a Chinese finger trap. The more one tries to escape and pull away, the more trapped and stuck one becomes. And yet when you simply relax, stop pulling and face the trap head on, that is the path to breaking free.

    It's also like anything else in life- when you make a really big deal out of telling someone "not" to do something, it immediately makes the banned item in question seem so much more alluring than it ever would. It opens up the doorway to secrecy and therefore, addiction.

    For me personally, spending every day "trying to resist Femdom" resulted in the exact opposite. It's like saying "try not to think of a staircase" - you immediately think of a staircase. Resisting gives whatever you are resisting against more power, and sets you up for a a guilt-ridden "relapse"- which just makes the whole thing even worse.

    It's also worth mentioning that a lot of unhealthy Femdom Porn is laced with terminology like "addiction", "give in", "you can't fight it", "you wont be able to quit" ect ect.
    While words like addiction, fight, struggle, resist- might serve as a positive motivator for other types of Porn, I think in the case of Femdom porn, they can actually act as triggers.

    By stopping resisting, stopping fighting, and simply relaxing- facing my fetishes head on, with an attitude of forgiveness and acceptance, ironically I have so far been finding that with this approach, they don't seem so much of a big deal anymore. I'm not spending every waking moment terrified something will cause me to relapse. I'm just getting on with life.

    As with everything else though, this is a process and things are subject to change. We shall see.
     
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2017
  6. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Day 5
    ---------
    So I'm on day 5 right now- and again, feeling calm and composed. I've had thoughts about trying to contact certain Financial Dommes, as well as some other thoughts about visiting various Femdom themed websites. The difference now though, is they are just thoughts that come and go.

    Something extremely valuable that I have learned is that where I went wrong in the past was trying to resist these thoughts.

    In the past, when a thought of Humiliation of Findom entered my mind, I'd freak out and start trying my best to "resist" it and make it go away. I would make a really big deal out of it. I would think things like "Oh damn, I've just had a flashback of some Findom porn scene... I need to stop thinking about this or else I will end up relapsing. I hate that this stuff turns me on so much, why did I have to be cursed with this stupid fetish? I wish I could forget about this stuff. I need to try and resist it!"

    The problem is- I was taking a passing thought about Findom, and giving it power, by holding it in my mind. Resisting it made it stronger.

    So right now, I'm accepting that there will be thoughts of Humiliation, Findom, flashbacks ect which pass through my mind. But they are just thoughts. We all have lots of thoughts in a day , a lot of it is just mental noise. That's how I'm treating this- it's mental noise.

    When a thought arises- I do not give it any power. I just kinda say "So what? It's no big deal"- and think about something else.

    Interestingly I read an article last night also which said that people who identify themselves as "Porn addicts" are more likely to actually become even more addicted to porn as a result of labelling themselves this way.

    I find this concept very interesting and is something I shall be working on myself. I no longer wish to think of myself as an "addict"- I think this sends wrong signals to your brain.

    I've definitely began to notice myself feeling more relaxed recently. I think one negative impact of my excessive porn use was living in a constant state of anxiety- especially social anxiety.
     
  7. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Day 6, of no PMO + keeping away from the toxic Verbal Humiliation / Findom stuff.
    Right now, my sex drive has pretty much "flatlined". Which, I'm actually kinda grateful for- because it makes this whole thing a lot easier.
    However, my body feels like it's kinda nagging me that something is wrong. It's like even though my sex drive is very low, I've got this nagging urge to look at some Femdom porn to "kickstart" those feelings again.

    Having said that, with only 6 days away from this stuff, I can already see that what I was doing before was not healthy. I knew that anyway, but it feels clearer now.
    I was living in a state of almost constant "hyper" arousal either thinking about porn or using porn, for many hours per day. Speaking with lots of online Financial Dommes.

    Speaking of Financial Dommes, some of those women. My god. With a clearer head I can see that many of them are such vile, downright nasty human beings.

    Sure, I know many will just dismiss what they are doing is "just a bit of fun" - but a lot of them are knowingly taking advantage of men with mental health issues, low self esteem, depression, loneliness- and twisting that into some sick, selfish profit making game.

    Before my 6 days, I noticed a stupid little trend on Twitter among Dommes was to "raise awareness" of mental health- for other Dommes!!!!
    Occasionally, one might say "oh and subs too"- but this is between tweets talking about how they "just ruined another marriage" ect.

    Not all of them I spoke to were like this, in fairness, but far too many of them would not care if you dropped dead- so long as you left them some cash while you did it.

    Looking back- there's something slightly ironic about a woman who spends every single day on Twitter trying to ruin peoples lives, yet has the audacity to call other people "losers".

    What makes me sick to the pit of my stomach is this stuff is getting more popular every single day. It really hurts my trust in women generally, since many of these Dommes pretty much looked like... well... average women today.

    It just makes me so angry. So many guys out there far younger than me are getting caught up in this crap.
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2017
  8. mailboxsam

    mailboxsam Member

    I understand how the idea of thinking of this thing as an “addiction” is problematic if you’re coming from a place of femdom / findom .
     
  9. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    @mailboxsam Yeah- the word "addiction" is everywhere in Femdom porn. So it's become counter-productive for me to use that word too much. May even re-name my thread at some stage!

    How are you getting on by the way? You mentioned being PMO free for well over 100 days, which is something I can scarcely imagine at this stage.

    Sorry if this is too personal a question - but I'm curious to know if the fetishes which once troubled you have faded somewhat? I'm very interested lately in this idea of whether or not certain fetishes are permanent, or if they can be eliminated over time.
     
    mailboxsam likes this.
  10. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Day 7
    ------
    I cannot believe I've made it to day 7!

    Not so long ago, I was spending between 4 and 6 HOURS per day (7 days a week) with some quite messed up type of porn - Verbal Humiliation, Femdom 'brainwashing' videos, talking to Financial Dommes on Twitter and Skype.

    My first and second attempts to stop this stuff were absolute hell. Words cannot even describe how much my body protested the lack of porn. I think to say I felt like I was going crazy has got to be an understatement.

    On this third attempt however, here I am on day 7. I've been lucky over the past few days, because my sex drive "flatlined" - allowing me to totally take my mind off it.
    But today, I've felt what I can only describe as pure horniness coursing through me lol.

    However, I have started paying more attention to real life women, and it might be completely in my imagination- but I feel some of them are noticing me, too.
    I've also noticed I don't feel so anxious around women too- which was a major problem before. I'm not sure what it is about porn use that causes anxiety around women- and I'm not sure if this is a common problem among porn users.

    Despite these sexual urges, I'm not yet feeling consumed by them. Previously, they felt completely uncontrollable. Whereas now, I feel like I somewhat have the ability to refuse to engage the feeling if I wanted to.

    But- I won't lie- I'm slightly fearful about this new surge in sex drive and how much I will be able to manage it. I'm a complete mess of sexual urges right now.

    Especially since it's now the weekend (which is always a bit of a difficult time, since I'm not as distracted with work ect).

    I've activated my internet filters "just in case".

    I am motivated to keep going by the positive benefits I'm noticing:
    • I have more energy
    • I feel less anxious around women
    • I'm free from dealing with that daily feeling of self disgust and shame after each porn session
    • I feel a bit more comfortable in my own skin
    • My sex drive, although high right now, feels a bit more 'natural' - not the artificial hyper-arousal from porn use
    Finally, I actually feel some motivation & drive creeping in to begin finding ways to find & date real woman, as opposed to just watching women on computer / phone screens.

    I just hope I can keep going with this. I feel like I'm making good progress- but i feel a bit uncertain whether or not I will keep this up. I've got to keep reminding myself of the positive changes so far.
     
    mailboxsam likes this.
  11. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    congrats man great to see you are doing well.
     
    breaking_free likes this.
  12. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Day 8 - morning
    -----------

    I'm writing this now, since I woke up feeling like complete shit! I've got no idea why I feel so bad, because I ended yesterday on such a positive high.

    I feel like what I'm about to write will sound really lame and pathetic, but here goes...

    I have all these urges, and no girlfriend to share them with. That makes me feel sad.

    It upsets me to look at what porn has done to my life. Because it steals peoples lives from them. Our lives are so short, and none of us really know how much time we have left, and yet there I was, just over a week ago, doing nothing with my life but porn. Every single fucking minuet of spare time!

    You get so engrossed in porn, so lost in this entire "world" of porn, that once you snap out of it, you realise that you're just sitting in an empty room, by yourself, and life meanwhile is passing you by.

    And yet knowing all this, I still have this stupid urge right now to contact a Domme I knew, who before my 8 days, she told me it was her birthday coming up and that I had to tribute her and spoil her. Now, for anyone who has never been into Financial Domination- I realise this looks crazy. You're probably wondering why I would have an urge to send her money.
    And I totally get that. Because I don't know either. I guess by tributing, I know I'd have her attention- she would probably send me some sexy pictures, and I'd get to spend some time talking to her, even if she is just saying all the typical Findom stuff like calling me a "loser" ect, it would be something.

    I feel shit also because I've blocked virtually every single other Domme besides this one. And I feel like I suddenly have cut off something from my life that did bring pleasure (despite being damaging). It's a horrible feeling to get rid of all these women you've been speaking to for maybe a year or more, even if they were Fin-Dommes. Maybe my brain has tricked itself into thinking I have some kind of connection with these women.

    But I keep trying to tell myself this shit isn't REAL. I mean yes, the women technically are "real". But it might as well not be real, because those women will only ever be pixels on a screen, and will never lead to a fulfilling, real relationship.

    As discussed previously in my self-acceptance post, I don't necessarily want to completely disown the part of me that obviously finds Female Domination arousing. In fact, I theorised that my attempts to repress and disown this part of me might have led me to develop a lot of internal conflict & self hate that contributed to me using unhealthy, harmful forms of Femdom.
    I use the term "harmful forms of Femdom"- because I don't believe that Femdom is inherently bad.
    But I do believe there are a lot of men out there, like myself, who hate themselves for having this sexual preference, and this sexualised self-hate manifests itself in the form of seeking humiliating, degrading, abusive pornography. It's what drives up demand for it. It's why there's so much of it.

    When I was buying a lot of porn videos off various Femdom clips websites, many of the scenarios in these porn videos I would later discover were not dreamed up by the woman in the video- they were in fact "customs" - men who asked for this idea to be filmed.

    Whether it's clip sites, or the toxic Findom craze sweeping Twitter- a lot of this is actually 'supply and demand'. This is happening because it's responding to a demand. If it wasn't, it wouldn't exist.

    In an ideal world, it would be good to find a woman who I could have a normal relationship with outside the bedroom, but inside the bedroom, have her be open minded to the idea of incorporating certain mild female domination scenarios into sex play. Surely these women have to exist and I feel like this would be a far more healthy outlet for my sexual desires than all the crappy Findom porn stuff.

    Anyway, that's all for now. I hope I start feeling better at some stage soon.

    -----

    I guess it's worth saying so far my 8 days have been "PMO free" - but going forwards I don't know necessarily whether or not to allow masturbation, but keep porn free. This is something I need to do more research into.
     
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2017
  13. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Just tried explaining very politely to the Domme I mentioned in my last post that I can no longer continue with this and apologised to her.
    And she just reacted with extreme verbal abuse- like really quite nasty stuff.

    It probably sounds silly but found it all very hurtful. This is someone I had been speaking to for about 1 year!!
    And all the times she was being "nice" or "polite" were purely because I was sending tributes. She doesn't actually care about me one bit. She even told me she wouldn't care if I dropped dead ect.
    Really nasty person.. And I know I'm better off without stuff like that- but right now feeling really bad :-(
     
  14. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Day 8 (mostly) complete
    ----
    I wrote quite a lot today- but writing this thing helps me.

    Today has been absolute hell.

    The contrast between how I felt going to bed last night and waking up this morning could not be more stark.
    I went to bed yesterday feeling amazing. Woke up (after a bad nights sleep- which always seems to make things more difficult), and felt like utter crap the entire day.

    Words cannot even begin to describe how awful I feel right now. It feels like because I've stopped giving my body these constant porn-incuded pleasure hits, it's decided to go on strike and punish me by making me feel like total shit! I feel almost flu-like levels of low energy right now (except I don't have flu), extreme lethargy, depressed, tearful, constantly being bombarded with urges to return to Findom. I'm a total mess.

    I came so damn close to relapse today. So close. But somehow - I've dragged myself through the day and just pray that things will get better.

    I seriously hate this crap! What on Earth have I done to myself over the years?

    I've just spent a few years of my life, building up this whole collection of Financial Dommes on a Skype account, who I spoke to regularly. Most of the time, I'd be in a state of arousal when talking to them, when having "sessions". They'd say some pretty nasty stuff- verbally abusive stuff. But I think in the back of my mind this whole time I always just thought these women were playing around. They just want to make a quick buck. They're just having some "kinky" fun. All those hurtful things they're saying- that's just an act. In fact, maybe they're even saying it because I told them it's what turns me on so they want me to enjoy myself.

    But honestly.... One of the hardest, most painful realisations recently, is that actually- many of them don't think this way at all. They genuinely do not care about me (or anyone else).

    They stick around for as long as you are "useful" to them. The second you stop sending them money- you'll never, ever hear from them again. Doesn't matter if you spend hundreds, or even thousands,- you'll be blocked- instantly and permanently. It will be as though they never existed, the only difference is the money you lost.

    Some of the Dommes I've spoken to I even sent tributes, several times, and just because I could not tribute on one occasion- they blocked me, and I never heard from them again.

    When I tried explaining to a Domme today who I've spoken to for over a year that I need to stop Findom because of my mental health, you know what she said?

    "You think I care about you and your mental health? Your a fucking loser and until you send me more money I dont give a shit about your mental health"

    .....

    Now usually I would've found that kind of thing turned me on, because part of my Femdom fetish is that I found verbal humilation a turn on. But on this occasion, I had a really nasty feeling in the pit of my stomach, when I realised, that this isn't a bit of fun, this isn't some sexy kink- there's actually a cold hearted, nasty person who has sat there and typed that message- and she means it.

    I'd say most of these women (especially on Twitter) are absolutely toxic. It's not some kinky game, many of them are people with very dark souls indeed.

    I seriously need to keep going on this journey and repair my life. I do not want to have my sexual arousal tied to women like this. I want a real girlfriend, who is kind, caring and loving. I just hope I can keep going with this and find that someday.
     
  15. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Day 9 - Relapsed this morning. Don't even really know what came over me - just felt like I had zero control over it, and was right back into all the Femdom stuff. And what worries me is it felt absolutely incredible. Starting to seriously worry now that I won't be able to get rid of this stupid fetish.
     
  16. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    http://blog.homeocare.in/best-homeopathic-approach-towards-sexual-problems-relief.html here you go bro. heres your answer. this medication will make your urges non existent. there should be a doctor in your area specializing in this sort of medication go talk to one and you should be fine. ive been taking this medication for about a year and my fetish is pretty much non existent. just type in homeopathy doctor in your area and youll find one most likely
     
  17. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    i have been on the brink of suicide and this shit helped save my life. Dont come here and write about how your going to fucking not relapse next time or some bulllshit like that. you will relapse again. you wanna know how i know? i relapsed just like you countless times in the last two years bro. thats why i know that you will never defeat this shit in your entire life without some help. Get your ass in gear and go see a doctor specializing in the medication i just posted a link to buddy. i mean its your fucking choice i cant force your ass to do it but i would recommend you do.
     
  18. Naruto558

    Naruto558 Member

    or go look at the hypnosis product link i sent. try that out. threes no harm in doing so. Also just stfu with this femdom might be inate inside of me bullshit. Its a deeply rooted self-esteem issue. You know it and every motherfucker suffering from this shit noes it. Women prefer dominate confident men buddy. you will never find a girl into loving femdom. she will cheat on you buddy. sorry for the bad english im just typing my thoughts randomly. this shit pisses me off so much
     
  19. WanderingSoul

    WanderingSoul Member

    Naruto you are being really pessimistic. The only part that will never go away is being horny as we are all programmed for that. But if he gets to a point where he only masturbates every 9 days, and then every 15 days, and then every 21 days plus he gets a few dates in between, and then once a month plus he actually hooks up, and then once a month plus hes starting to get laid now, that is improvement. Its not about just swearing off sexuality its about rewiring it. Its like you ate shitty food all the time and too often. You need to slow down your eating but you also still need to eat. But you need to replace the crap food with something healthy like a woman, or a healthy sexual encounter.
     
  20. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    @Naruto558 Whilst I appreciate your suggestions, I don't think its fair for you to tell me "not to come in here" and say certain things. This thread is a thread I set up to document my own personal journey - if anything I say bothers you, then of course you do not have to read.
    Despite your anger, I'm guessing you're just trying to help- but please remember everyone here is dealing with this in their own way. I think you misunderstood my point about accepting my fetishes. Do not confuse "accepting" with "giving in". By accepting, what I mean is forgiving yourself for having them, not beating yourself up over it. Because by just spending all the time hating yourself for having a fetish, that's going to hurt your recovery.
    Yes, there will be relapses. But I've just come from spending 4 to 6 HOURS per day, every day, for over a year - to lasting just over 8 days completely PMO free, and had one relapse.
     

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