Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    was very tired today, so couldnt make it to the gym. the mind was willing but the body not able. As a CFS "survivor" I know this will happen from time to time, and when it does i just need to take it easy

    don't seem to be able to stay of the cams very long really, although it was just a 10 minute watch. I know there is no point being to hard on myself or beating myself up about it. I find it very hard to stay away when i dont have the promise of real sex around the corner. Even though S is coming over for dinner on thurs i find it hard to believe that we will be having sex. perhaps ill bring it up with her - seems to be "seeing" each other in every way.

    im still watching the girl that reminds me of A, and fantasising about her while watching. Its a bit difficult to get over having such wonderful sex. But watching P means im less likely to go out there and get some more. Not really a good situation or healthy

    lol
     
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 7

    well things finally got sexual with S, so as a result im able to not watch P quite easily. that's how it works for me. Although we didn't fully do it (as i didnt have a condom) it was good to get naked and i made her cum twice

    I do feel some positive effects of not masturbating, more MW for one

    things at the new station are starting to feel more comfortable, which is good

    im taking a little break from music, for a week or 2. Its hot, and i want to focus on socialising and chasing women for a little while. i should have 3 dates lined up this week and i want to do some approaching before tonight's date

    I still think about A a fair bit, but often in a positive way (not always) for example feeling grateful for the good experiences.

    Stag weekend this weekend, with shooting, shotgun, crossbow, longbow, rifle, etc. super cool
     
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  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day one

    i got to about 2 weeks P free though which is good. I watched my favourite cam girl yesterday and didn't enjoy it as much as usual, maybe she (and the fantasies related to A) are losing some of their hold on me. I hope so

    I finally had sex with someone other than A, with S. It was ok, and something of a relief, i don't think we are really that compatible sexually so ill definitely be attempting to keep my options open. If i were just to commit to her I don't think sex would be either particularly regular or good, which is not what i want. If im honest i like a girl who enjoys sex a lot, is keen, and likes a good hard fuck so is not too fragile physically. S said i ruined her and needed to be more gentle in the future, which is not really what i want. Really what i want is the same kind of physical connection i had with A, i don't know if ill ever experience that again. Time will tell

    I've been doing quite a few approaches, many of which don't go very well, but thats the nature of it. On the way to my stag weekend i approached a girl at the station, had great banter and about a 15 min chat, a hug and kiss on the cheek after. However she didn't respond to my message, so it just shows that you never know what to expect

    tomorrow i have a second date with L, I really want to throw my old "morals" out of the window for a little while, after all where did they get me? Im tougher emotionally than ive ever been and im ready to do what is best for me, which is slightly narcissistic, but im going to give it a go. Ideally i'd like to have several options on the go at once for a change, Lets see how it goes and if i have the capability to achieve this int he first place.

    Diet has been really good, I've managed to cut out a lot of the sweet snacks i used to eat when moving to my new station. My diet was still good, but i'd say its 10% better. Training has been good, doing my weights routine and keeping track of what im lifting. I also got my own 65kg sandbag for work which ive been lifting, and also carrying up and down the stairs at work. Its a real "dirty" deadlift and ,uch more challenging than a conventional deadlift with a bar, also i can fill it with more sand as i want to increase the weight

    I don't think im an addict, i'd argue that a lot of the people on here may not be. I know the label "addict" can be kind of comforting. Maybe we are just men with testosterone whizzing round our bodies and need to fuck! With no sexual outlet, or unsatisfactory/irregular sex its understandable that many of turn to porn.

    i enjoyed my weekend away with the guys, shooting was awesome. Started badly with the shotguns, but made a come back to come joint second place overall. Archery and crossbows were my favourite. Did bring out my competative side a little, and it was interesting to see how badly i felt about being poor at shotguns, rather ashamed.

    music has been taking a bit of a back seat, its sunny and i feel like going out more and chasing women. Very tired today after a busy night shift, but now im free for 4 days. got to get myself moving now and try make the msot of the last few hours of the day
     
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  4. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Impressive that you're doing so many approaches.
     
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  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 1

    i did watch P once yesterday and a few times the day before, but hell i enjoyed it.

    Now i have some motivation for getting back on a streak, as i have a date lined up for next week with a potentially really cool girl, and a few other possibilities

    I met this one on an app, and as shes been away in her home country, and i'm going away this week - we did a couple of chats on the phone and also last night a 1.5 hour video chat, where she was walking around her home town in eastern Europe. Never did this before, but actually its a good idea, like a pre date - to see if you like each other. I actually really like European girls that are not from UK, especially those that are from a smaller town or village - in my experience they seem to be bit less of a pain in the ass than native girls from London, a little less entitled, a little more straight forward. I also find eastern European girls quite naturally beautiful. So i think there is a lot of potential with this one, but lets see how it goes

    The interesting thing about dating, you can refine what you like/don't like and what you want, even from just meeting women and talking with them. I have come to realise that i much prefer younger women, most of the women my own age don't really do it for me. Some of them have start to let themselves go physically, and mentally some of them seem a little too set in their ways/inflexible - perhaps i am a little too set in my ways too. Its a harsh observation, and maybe a little opinionated of me, but it seems that some single women my own age, especially the native London ones - have either turned to food or alcohol and lean on them a little too heavily, and somewhat given up going to the gym.

    Fortunately for us men, its a pretty common thing and seen as very acceptable to date a woman around 10 years your junior. On my app I even set the maximum age to 28. The app thing seems to be starting to pay off now

    I am off work sick with an injury, and it seems like exhaustion has crept up on me rather suddenly, so im having a few days of real rest, no gym, no pressure to do anything, no going anywhere. Just reading, rest and a little music when i feel up to it. I feel grateful to have a job that will give me sick leave when i need it.

    finally got the amended master back for our first track, and im happy with the results. I think for a first attempt its a belter :)
     
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  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    bloody hell i'm intrigued by that Lithuanian girl!

    haven't even met her yet so got to keep calm and keep the options open :)

    making slow progress on next track. For me making a track takes a long time, i like to make the beat from scratch without using other peoples complete loops so it takes a lot of revisiting, improving, taking a break etc

    back to work tomorrow, exhaustion seems to be receding.
     
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  7. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    She looked nice in the picture! Keep us posted with developments ;-)

    Yes, and it shows in the quality of your work CJM. Looking forward to hearing what you come up with next.
     
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  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    about 2 weeks no P

    doing generally well, settling in to the new station, i believe it was a good move. I like the boss, the guys and the area and i feel more keen, motivated and i'm enjoying the job more. The other day we had to put up our biggest ladder to rescue a pigeon, i climbed up to the 4th storey, one foot on the balcony and used a ceiling hook to cut away at the netting that it had its feet trapped in. It flew off ok and the crowd of people were cheering, which was quite funny. Glad it went ok seeing as it wouldn't have looked good if it died in front of so many people. The boss told me well done and i felt a little bit proud that i had performed competently and confidently in front of a new crew and so many members of the public

    then i went home and ate a whole chicken. The irony wasn't lost on me

    i read a book about an FBI agents career pursuing the worst kind of predators in society, murderers, child abusers and child molesters. Shocking but very interesting, and made me consider again the implications of pornography a little more seriously. Interestingly Porn and fantasy often have a big part to play in these peoples stories, and they often suffer from some kind of ED too. Made me think about my own abuse as a child, and really be grateful that i wan't actually raped, or killed. The guy had complete power over me at those times as i was so small and defenceless.

    I'm dating and currently have a few options, but only sleeping with one. The Lithuanian girl seems really nice. I'm doing approaches still, generally i feel like im developing a thick skin regarding dating, and i don't really care if a girl doesn't text me back when i get her no. There are some many potential options passing through it starts not to matter so much. While i have let go of the "perfect relationship" fantasy, the "live happily ever after" fairy tale idea - which is not a realistic idea after all, and it can be a little frustrating how much work/time it seems to take for things to get sexual its all ok

    i met a smoking hot girl from south Africa yesterday, i walked past the supermarket and saw her, then approached. She probably wont reply but im not too bothered, its a numbers game. One thing i need to work on is "2 sets" i.e a group of 2 girls, I've never approached 2 girls out on the street and they often walk about in pairs so that's the next challenge. I have now approached many beautiful women, and got several no.s most of it doesn't go anywhere, but thats just the nature of things. I find i give less and less of a fuck - which is good. Its about not tying up ones self esteem with external stuff that one ultimately cant control.

    I feel comfortable being single now, don't need a woman its just an added bonus. Sexually my libido has been a little lower recently, which has been good actually - less need. Now i will just do whats best for me, but obviously i do not want to hurt anyone - but my own needs and wants come first from now on

    I also joined a site for kinky people, thinking perhaps i might have better luck finding a submissive, kinky girl who enjoys all the things i do in this kind of community. I'm considering going to a social, or going to a bondage workshop where i can learn about rope. In my job i already am pretty good with knots lol!

    staying with my parents last week made me reflect on the same time last year when i was staying with them, and how far i have come mentally in this time. I just feel like the pain i used to carry around with me so much of the time is evaporating, or even gone. All the books i read help me, and i no longer view reading novels and non music books as a waste of time. Its like the authors knowledge, soul and experiences are distilled into the pages, and you can absorb a little with each new book you read.

    music has been taking a bit of a back seat, but im still plodding away, taking my time currently on the new track, we have the basic layout, currently just trying to get the beat as perfect as possible before continuing.

    Training is good, hitting targets. Diet is good, lost a little belly fat. I look good and feel good. :) I can throw my sandbag round pretty well, i keep it at the new station. No one else so far can even pick the damn thing up :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
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  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    3 weeks + no porn

    things have been good

    I believe that like many things in life, if im with battling myself to do something (for example not watch porn) it will be very difficult, but if i naturally just want to do it, it becomes much easier. I can't remember the quote exactly but something like "where will power and the imagination are in conflict, imagination always wins"

    Things with the Lithuanian girl (well she things as herself as being Russian) are good. With some echoes of my past with my long term ex from CZ, she seems straight forward, somewhat traditional and very affectionate. I naturally feel that i want to stop pursuing other women for now, as much as anything i don't have the time to give to her and be dating other women - but its important to keep the frame of mind that there are other women out there that are available to me if i should choose to pursue them. She is very affectionate and sweet natured, but i need to remember that the worst can, and often will happen and to be prepared and ok to walk away if and when that happens. We must be able to stand on our own 2 feet as men, not be overly dependent - i feel this is essential

    We had sex (many times) last weekend, and it was great. I couldn't keep the smile of my face during. Its so nice to experience some great chemistry again, I was a little worried that i wouldn't experience it again after A, but here we are. A is now forgotten which shows how easily someone can be "replaced"

    On the weekend after N (Lithuanian) left, I had S round for dinner a few hours later, originally my plan had been to have sex with both. When it came to it i felt i couldn't do it, so i dont have it in me to be a player, and S and i have since spoken and agreed to be friends. WE get on very well platonic ally but not sexually, in fact i dont think she is that sexual and that side of things was not very satisfying or comfortable for either of us

    I had a minor CFS "relapse" this week, and work was a bit of a struggle, especially the social side, but today i feel better so hopefully i can get back in the gym this evening. Work has been fine, the banter has been pretty full on this week, so thick skin is essential. Yesterday i permitted myself to "bite" or give it back, and i won't lie it felt good at the time. Its fine to be a nice guy, but i feel its also important to have limits and show people that you can, and will give it back. I know i'm generally a relaxed, pretty placid personality but if i get pushed too far i will stand up for myself. This is important! Verbally, physically, etc

    Also i feel its important to live by my own standards, and not engage in this kind of behaviour towards others. Yesterday i feel i did cross the line with being a bit too mean/rude in my own jokes so i want to modify my behaviour and not do this again.

    This is just another challenge that I must rise to, and if im honest, i'd rather just have stayed at home this week, but that is life! its all character building - and on the plus isde yesterday at work iw as able to spend many hours outside, even training in a large park area being surrounded by nature and catching some sun
     
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    coming up to one month no P. No interest in P right now as currently i have the real thing, which is SO much better

    Work ended on a better note, although the last night shift was very busy. Went home for a few hours sleep then N came over, and stayed over before she had to go to work in the morning. I think this demonstrates a bit of flexibility on her behalf, something which is pretty essential for any longer term potential. I've dated women that just wont do this. Lots of good sex including handcuffs and blindfolds which we both enjoyed:)

    I purposefully don't have much planned on my days off this week, which is bliss to be honest. I need to recharge the old batteries

    Work wise i want to reflect and improve, take responsibility

    key points:

    try to be well rested for work - it makes a positive and more upbeat mindset easier

    carry on volunteering for things, although this means there is a higher chance of NOT doing something well, it also means a higher chance for doing things well and also learning

    its good to put energy and determination into things, but sometimes i need to slow down and take my time. Rushing can and will cause fuck ups. "less haste more speed" Sometimes i'm too much like a wrecking ball, too heavy handed and a bit careless

    help with directions from the back of the truck, using google maps and postcode search
     
  11. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    What's CFS?
     
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    chronic fatigue syndrome, AKA ME

    im 90% recovered but do experience minor relapses fairly frequently, often bought about by working out a little harder than i perhaps should
     
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm well into a month PMO free

    had a little slip about a week ago, no MO (MO also stands for Modus Operandi so i have recently discovered) so i wont count that or restart my "counter". But there is often the temptation to visit my favourite cam girl, Really this just stems from being horny, and the lack of 24 hour per day sex whenever i want, which is of course the case

    It got me thinking about objectification of a woman, and how that's what i do when i'm watching on the screen, but of course its not what i do when i meet and talk to a fully clothed woman, nor should it be. Not to say that objectifying someone sexually is always a bad thing, i don't believe it is. It can be very fun to do so in a safe environment, and that goes both ways

    Things with N are actually really good. She is very direct and upfront about wanting something more serious with me, which is very refreshing after the last few English girls (who retrospectively have been a pain in the ass, although at times a very enjoyable experience too). I'm really sold on eastern european/russian women at the moment. Give me one over an English (especially london) girl any day. The sex is fantastic, and she actually asked me to tie her up the other day "is it too late to tie me up?"

    I may keep a few options open to keep my mindset good, although this will be controversial and could spoil things with her if she found out

    Honestly, things at work have been tough. I've been taking some "abuse" and i've snapped back a couple of times - which honestly from time to time is a good thing, but most of the time its best to smile and bear it, and see the funny side.

    Hopefully last night was a bit of a break through. In between jobs we watched "silence of the lambs" which was "in my honour" I actually did see the funny side, and couldn't deny the jokes were really funny, even though i was the butt of them. Mostly, i take them in good humour. I realized that:

    some of my new colleagues are actually a bit scared of me, which seems silly if you actually know me and know that im essentially at heart a very soft/gentle guy. They have seen me in the gym, demolishing the punch bag and throwing my sandbag around (which may seem a bit eccentric to people who aren't into this) This knowledge actually makes me feel a lot better, afterall if they are perhaps a little scared of me then i have the power after all :)

    It's also an interesting matter of perspective. To people who are into strongman training, what i do with the sandbag will seem pretty tame. To proper thai boxers, what i do on the punchbag will seem nothing special or remarkable at all. But to people who AREN'T into those things, imagine it from their perspective? may seem a little vicious...

    I have the idea of buying a hannibal lector mask and charging into the room next week, saying in my most menacing voice "it puts the lotion in the basket". This could be very funny indeed!!! im laughing just thinking about it

    Afterall, if it doesn't work out i will just go back to my old station where i felt accepted for who i was and know everyone, now the boss will be gone. There does seem to be a bit of a group "culture" at this station which i am perhaps not too keen on. It's a little cliquey and there is a bit of a "put down" and piss taking culture. People normally do this is an effort to elevate themselves in some way. I prefer people who try and keep everyone else up.

    last night i said half jokingly "Oh take me back (old station name), you bunch of cunts" to everyone, including the boss. But many a true word said in jest. I got a few laughs though :)

    I just want to be myself and will not pretend to be someone else. I can't
     
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
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  14. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I often thought about this too. I've often questioned the notion that to be sexually healthy means to never sexually objectify someone. I would imagine, rather, that it only means to do it to a healthy extent. If one would push the no objectification to it's max then I don't even see how any sexual play or sexual expression could happen ? There would be no point and it would be enough to sit down and talk and talk and look at each other... So, I see the sexual objectification thing as a question of balance. Sure if whenever I see a female the first thing that crosses my mind is always how I want to do this to her or have her do this to me, without thinking at all how she is, just like me, a human being - then I would assume I have a problem (lol). But ... if occasionally I focus on the sexual aspect of a woman, focus on her body, look at her from that angle - and she is acceptant of it, then nothing wrong there I think.
     
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  15. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I think the issue is in objectifying what isn't an object, but a living human being. As soon as you objectify someone else you've formed a mental image of that person, which isn't the actual person. It's that mental image that stimulates you sexually, which is exactly what happens when you watch porn.

    (15-08-19)
    I like to add something i've encountered in a book i'm reading, as it relates to this.
    It makes the point of how the reductionistic method of modern science fails to see the love of God within all and exemplifies this the following way:

    The modern mind always tends to reduce the greater to the lesser rather than seeing the lesser as as reflecting the greater. It thinks of human love as only complex animal instinct, or even complex electrochemical attraction, rather than thinking of subhuman attraction (lust) as love on a lesser level.
    Then it states:
    Premodern thought saw lust as confused love. Modern thought sees love as rationalized lust. This is reductionism. Christianity is anti-reductionistic. Christians can't buy into reductionism, for they know that God is first.
    And God is perfect love.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2019
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  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Interesting replies :) i think it comes down to your definition of objectification. For me, treating someone as a sex object, and being treated so, in a fully safe and supportive environment can be really fun from time to time, so i don't see that as a bad thing. Just because i don't want to watch porn doesn't meen my sexual preferences or "kinks" have changed - just means i want to do them with a real person in a safe environment. Im all for that :)
     
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  17. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I don't get it - what's the connection?
     

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