Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Yeah I’d love to hear it mate.
     
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Will email to you

    ive deiced got to get it finished today. Its defitley worth "polishing" a decent idea but at some point its going to be more beneficial to move on and get going on the next tracks. it only our first track after all and tbh it sounds better than i expected, considering!
     
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    im on about day 5

    I have had a couple of no fantasy Ms, very satisfying actually. Well if you cant please yourself, how can you expect to please anyone else? lol. Seriously though i would like to keep them in check otherwise one can get a bit carried away

    it was very surreal packing up my stuff and moving stations after 10 years. i got a cab to the new station with all my gear after having had about 2 hours sleep on a night shift. I must admit its a bit daunting, going from know everyone and being quite well established to knowing no one really, a bit like being the new kid at school. But its exciting and a chance to reinvent myself, be the person I am today, which is really quite a different person to who i was 10 years ago. The area is much more interesting, and well, its pretty bloody nice. lots of nice women about. its a very different feeling to be a bit excited and apprehensive about going into work, compared to the normal feeling of "oh god, boiring" and im relieved to not have my manager in charge of me anymore. lets see how we get on, its a bit of a gamble but one has to take risks sometimes.... Funnily enough i found myself feeling grateful that i wasn't actually leaving the fire service, jus ttransferring

    Ive gotten myself a notebook to write down important information. starting with the names of all my new colleagues and the guys on other watches. Im terrible at remembering names but its important to remember them, in terms of building new working relationships

    ended up having an honest and open conversation with A, which made me wish that we had done it earlier. I know dating can be a bit of a game, but after a while I think honesty and truth really come into their own when it comes to relationships. I told her that i couldn't continue as we had been, and that i wold no longer accept, or even suggest things that didn't sit well with me even if it meant that we would no longer see each other

    We are both dating other people now, so she decided that we should have a break from each other, for now, but we may well see each other in the future. We both have feelings for each other, but there is an imbalance

    Provably as a result of the above, i have found myself being feeling a bit emotional over the last few days, and found myself in tears a couple of times. However, sometimes its good to be in touch with ones feelings, although as men I know we usually deal with them in a very private manner. I've been doing a bit of singing when i do my piano practise, which i find to be very cathartic. Who knows maybe one day ill have the courage to do it in front of other people

    im finishing up our first track today, the computer is really struggling with all the processing. To be fair its only our first track and sounds better than i anticipated, time to bloody draw a line under it and move on though.....


    women wise im seeing S tomorow. Should have a date with another next week who seems v nice, and im doing approaching with my friend james this afternoon
     
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019 at 7:41 AM
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  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    ive watched webcams the last 3 days now, fairly briefly. Partly because im horny and not getting any, also partly as its kind of comforting

    still the same cam girl who reminds me of A, so this isnt particularly healthy, that is well and and truly over.

    staring at a new station has been exciting, but also a bit nerve racking. its so much busier. Fingers crossed it goes well

    i want to commit to be being P free for a while now. i have 2 dates next week and S is coming over for dinner on Thursday
     
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  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    all ok here, my first tour at station went without any hiccups, which is a good start. To start with all i want is to put across that i have a good, positive attitude and am fairly keen, and not fuck up anything. thats it to begin with

    social anxiety is something that gets thrown about a lot these days, ive always been a bit dismissive of it if im honest. while i think that most people feel some kind of social anxiety from time to time, its been interesting to accept that i certainly feel anxiety in certain social situations, namely in moderately large groups where i don't know everyone, especially at work with groups of firefighters

    sometimes i find large groups intimidating, then i become inhibited and dont contribute verbally, then its a downward spiral from there. I think there are really 2 options in this case, either contribute, or don't give a fuck. if i do give a fuck, not contributing to the conversation will inevitably result in rising anxiety levels. My normal reaction to this is just take myself out of the situation, walk away and go get on with something else on my own somewhere. This is usually at work. While this is ok, i'd like to develop further coping mechanisms.

    what i'd like to try is becoming less inhibited, and letting the thoughts in my mind flow naturally to conversation, without being afraid. the same goes for actions to in some cases. it all comes down to fear, the fear of saying or doing something stupid in the eyes of others

    having said that im fine one to one, or in small groups. practices makes perfect, got to push past the comfort zone, which is actually what im doing by going to another station in the first place. its so much busier, its almost like starting a totally new job and i dont feel like my 10 years count for too much!




    something else i've been thinking about is alpha male, in terms of a group. interestingly i have little interest in being dominant in all male group situations (again this is at work mostly) i just dont really care, as long as no one is really disrespectful towards me, it just doesn't bother me - i'd rather just walk off and go do something else :)

    however, when there are attractive women around, i think this changes. i then care more about how i come across and watch my tone of voice, etc, etc

    interesting stuff
     

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