Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    3 weeks + no porn

    things have been good

    I believe that like many things in life, if im with battling myself to do something (for example not watch porn) it will be very difficult, but if i naturally just want to do it, it becomes much easier. I can't remember the quote exactly but something like "where will power and the imagination are in conflict, imagination always wins"

    Things with the Lithuanian girl (well she things as herself as being Russian) are good. With some echoes of my past with my long term ex from CZ, she seems straight forward, somewhat traditional and very affectionate. I naturally feel that i want to stop pursuing other women for now, as much as anything i don't have the time to give to her and be dating other women - but its important to keep the frame of mind that there are other women out there that are available to me if i should choose to pursue them. She is very affectionate and sweet natured, but i need to remember that the worst can, and often will happen and to be prepared and ok to walk away if and when that happens. We must be able to stand on our own 2 feet as men, not be overly dependent - i feel this is essential

    We had sex (many times) last weekend, and it was great. I couldn't keep the smile of my face during. Its so nice to experience some great chemistry again, I was a little worried that i wouldn't experience it again after A, but here we are. A is now forgotten which shows how easily someone can be "replaced"

    On the weekend after N (Lithuanian) left, I had S round for dinner a few hours later, originally my plan had been to have sex with both. When it came to it i felt i couldn't do it, so i dont have it in me to be a player, and S and i have since spoken and agreed to be friends. WE get on very well platonic ally but not sexually, in fact i dont think she is that sexual and that side of things was not very satisfying or comfortable for either of us

    I had a minor CFS "relapse" this week, and work was a bit of a struggle, especially the social side, but today i feel better so hopefully i can get back in the gym this evening. Work has been fine, the banter has been pretty full on this week, so thick skin is essential. Yesterday i permitted myself to "bite" or give it back, and i won't lie it felt good at the time. Its fine to be a nice guy, but i feel its also important to have limits and show people that you can, and will give it back. I know i'm generally a relaxed, pretty placid personality but if i get pushed too far i will stand up for myself. This is important! Verbally, physically, etc

    Also i feel its important to live by my own standards, and not engage in this kind of behaviour towards others. Yesterday i feel i did cross the line with being a bit too mean/rude in my own jokes so i want to modify my behaviour and not do this again.

    This is just another challenge that I must rise to, and if im honest, i'd rather just have stayed at home this week, but that is life! its all character building - and on the plus isde yesterday at work iw as able to spend many hours outside, even training in a large park area being surrounded by nature and catching some sun
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2019
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    coming up to one month no P. No interest in P right now as currently i have the real thing, which is SO much better

    Work ended on a better note, although the last night shift was very busy. Went home for a few hours sleep then N came over, and stayed over before she had to go to work in the morning. I think this demonstrates a bit of flexibility on her behalf, something which is pretty essential for any longer term potential. I've dated women that just wont do this. Lots of good sex including handcuffs and blindfolds which we both enjoyed:)

    I purposefully don't have much planned on my days off this week, which is bliss to be honest. I need to recharge the old batteries

    Work wise i want to reflect and improve, take responsibility

    key points:

    try to be well rested for work - it makes a positive and more upbeat mindset easier

    carry on volunteering for things, although this means there is a higher chance of NOT doing something well, it also means a higher chance for doing things well and also learning

    its good to put energy and determination into things, but sometimes i need to slow down and take my time. Rushing can and will cause fuck ups. "less haste more speed" Sometimes i'm too much like a wrecking ball, too heavy handed and a bit careless

    help with directions from the back of the truck, using google maps and postcode search
  3. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    What's CFS?
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    chronic fatigue syndrome, AKA ME

    im 90% recovered but do experience minor relapses fairly frequently, often bought about by working out a little harder than i perhaps should
  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm well into a month PMO free

    had a little slip about a week ago, no MO (MO also stands for Modus Operandi so i have recently discovered) so i wont count that or restart my "counter". But there is often the temptation to visit my favourite cam girl, Really this just stems from being horny, and the lack of 24 hour per day sex whenever i want, which is of course the case

    It got me thinking about objectification of a woman, and how that's what i do when i'm watching on the screen, but of course its not what i do when i meet and talk to a fully clothed woman, nor should it be. Not to say that objectifying someone sexually is always a bad thing, i don't believe it is. It can be very fun to do so in a safe environment, and that goes both ways

    Things with N are actually really good. She is very direct and upfront about wanting something more serious with me, which is very refreshing after the last few English girls (who retrospectively have been a pain in the ass, although at times a very enjoyable experience too). I'm really sold on eastern european/russian women at the moment. Give me one over an English (especially london) girl any day. The sex is fantastic, and she actually asked me to tie her up the other day "is it too late to tie me up?"

    I may keep a few options open to keep my mindset good, although this will be controversial and could spoil things with her if she found out

    Honestly, things at work have been tough. I've been taking some "abuse" and i've snapped back a couple of times - which honestly from time to time is a good thing, but most of the time its best to smile and bear it, and see the funny side.

    Hopefully last night was a bit of a break through. In between jobs we watched "silence of the lambs" which was "in my honour" I actually did see the funny side, and couldn't deny the jokes were really funny, even though i was the butt of them. Mostly, i take them in good humour. I realized that:

    some of my new colleagues are actually a bit scared of me, which seems silly if you actually know me and know that im essentially at heart a very soft/gentle guy. They have seen me in the gym, demolishing the punch bag and throwing my sandbag around (which may seem a bit eccentric to people who aren't into this) This knowledge actually makes me feel a lot better, afterall if they are perhaps a little scared of me then i have the power after all :)

    It's also an interesting matter of perspective. To people who are into strongman training, what i do with the sandbag will seem pretty tame. To proper thai boxers, what i do on the punchbag will seem nothing special or remarkable at all. But to people who AREN'T into those things, imagine it from their perspective? may seem a little vicious...

    I have the idea of buying a hannibal lector mask and charging into the room next week, saying in my most menacing voice "it puts the lotion in the basket". This could be very funny indeed!!! im laughing just thinking about it

    Afterall, if it doesn't work out i will just go back to my old station where i felt accepted for who i was and know everyone, now the boss will be gone. There does seem to be a bit of a group "culture" at this station which i am perhaps not too keen on. It's a little cliquey and there is a bit of a "put down" and piss taking culture. People normally do this is an effort to elevate themselves in some way. I prefer people who try and keep everyone else up.

    last night i said half jokingly "Oh take me back (old station name), you bunch of cunts" to everyone, including the boss. But many a true word said in jest. I got a few laughs though :)

    I just want to be myself and will not pretend to be someone else. I can't
    Last edited: Aug 12, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 and nuclpow like this.
  6. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I often thought about this too. I've often questioned the notion that to be sexually healthy means to never sexually objectify someone. I would imagine, rather, that it only means to do it to a healthy extent. If one would push the no objectification to it's max then I don't even see how any sexual play or sexual expression could happen ? There would be no point and it would be enough to sit down and talk and talk and look at each other... So, I see the sexual objectification thing as a question of balance. Sure if whenever I see a female the first thing that crosses my mind is always how I want to do this to her or have her do this to me, without thinking at all how she is, just like me, a human being - then I would assume I have a problem (lol). But ... if occasionally I focus on the sexual aspect of a woman, focus on her body, look at her from that angle - and she is acceptant of it, then nothing wrong there I think.
    cjm and TrueSelf like this.
  7. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    I think the issue is in objectifying what isn't an object, but a living human being. As soon as you objectify someone else you've formed a mental image of that person, which isn't the actual person. It's that mental image that stimulates you sexually, which is exactly what happens when you watch porn.

    I like to add something i've encountered in a book i'm reading, as it relates to this.
    It makes the point of how the reductionistic method of modern science fails to see the love of God within all and exemplifies this the following way:

    The modern mind always tends to reduce the greater to the lesser rather than seeing the lesser as as reflecting the greater. It thinks of human love as only complex animal instinct, or even complex electrochemical attraction, rather than thinking of subhuman attraction (lust) as love on a lesser level.
    Then it states:
    Premodern thought saw lust as confused love. Modern thought sees love as rationalized lust. This is reductionism. Christianity is anti-reductionistic. Christians can't buy into reductionism, for they know that God is first.
    And God is perfect love.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 15, 2019
    Thelongwayhome27 and TrueSelf like this.
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Interesting replies :) i think it comes down to your definition of objectification. For me, treating someone as a sex object, and being treated so, in a fully safe and supportive environment can be really fun from time to time, so i don't see that as a bad thing. Just because i don't want to watch porn doesn't meen my sexual preferences or "kinks" have changed - just means i want to do them with a real person in a safe environment. Im all for that :)
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  9. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    I don't get it - what's the connection?

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