Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    S sounds really cool! Hope things go the way you want them to go with her.
    cjm likes this.
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 9

    feeling good

    as mentioned before, I don't want to watch porn atm because im excited about real women, so thats probably the key - for me. And when i do feel like watching it in the future, I wont have a problem with that

    I've nearly finished the book psycho cybernetics, its really good (although not an easy read)

    Training has been really good the last few weeks, I think its the weather - I feel so much more energised generally when the whether is good. In fact out of the last 8 days (my working week) I trained 6 of them

    I've been doing some "off the cuff" approaches - I did one this morning, after nights in my shorts and not looking great - it didnt go well but the worst you get it is "sorry I have a BF" and I really like it as its no games, no BS you're just being direct with the girl, saying to them "i like how you look and i want to talk to you"! I got a reply from the nice looking girl the other day, lets see if we can set up a date

    I've been involved with just one woman (A) for so long now, who has had the upper hand, who has held herself back, and for whatever reason hasn't wanted things to progress further. To use somewhat cliched metaphor, i've been a little bit like a dog waiting around for the occasional scraps thrown my way. Im trying to change my mindset, as thats a pretty shitty place to be and it doesn't make sense when the world is full of beautiful and interesting women

    Seeing S on sunday which im really looking forward to. Meeting my friend of Monday for final mixdown of our first track

    Im grateful for how far i've come emotionally since i started this journal. I read back on the early entries and i dont even feel sympathy for myself, I just want to say "man up dude"

    I continue to by inspired by people around me, and I hope that i may in turn also inspire others, even in a small way. That's what makes people so great :)
    Thelongwayhome27 and Living like this.
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 12

    I did have a no fantasy M today, after about a week of no O i really felt the need to let out the pressure and im ok with that, It actually felt like such a huge relief

    date with S went well, she came back to mine but wouldn't stay over as it was only date 2, and I think she is a bit traditional, but thats ok had some nice affection on the sofa anyway, and date 3 lined up for next week

    I guess every "relationship" with each different woman is unique, and after you get used to one, others seem different and can seem disappointing in some ways, but I think its important to remember to look st both sides. For example with S it seems like we have a great connection intellectually and can talk for ages. Hopefully we will have sex soon! Also imortant to remember, for me, that it usually takes a while to have the best sex with a person :)

    I've deleted A's number, if we are going to meet up again its on her now, but as time goes on since i saw her last i feel better, very similar to how i imagine a crack addict might feel experiencing withdrawals. So lets be honest, its not a healthy situation :)

    my friend came round, we didn't get the track mixed. Its so hard, especially as im not used to live bass. This track has been going on for over a year now and still not finished! wow
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Im on day 1 today, i had a short P session on the webcams and although i didn't MO, i went off and MOd after so resetting my day count

    Now im doing, and have been doing pretty well and feeling good - however its time for some uncomfortable truths

    Although i wouldn't say im addicted to P at all, there is one cam girl that im totally addicted too. She has been offline for a couple of months which has obviously made it easier not too watch her

    On closer examination, the reason i like her so much is that she reminds me a lot of A, both physically and in her kinky attitude

    Also, i am pretty addicted to sex with A, even though i realize it's now an unhealthy situation for me psychologically - verging on destructive. It went from red hot a couple of weeks ago to stone cold almost overnight, and at times i feel compulsively compelled to contact her even though she made it clear she is not available for some time.

    Its the classic situation of being attracted to the unavailable. Even not speaking for 6 months didn't seem to resolve things for me...

    All i can do is leave her alone and focus on building my life and meeting new women, hopefully i will find one/some where we have incredible chemistry like i did with A, but a healthier dynamic between the 2 of us

    I think it'll be difficult for me to stay away from the cams, but i must try as i don't want to ruin my chances with the REAL women!
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    i found myself very tired today, so just had to relax and nap before my night shift this evening, no energy for productive things, which is a shame, but there we go

    I think its good that i have admitted to, and written down the things i talked about above. Today i blocked my desktop from my usual sites, of course I can get round it, but it will stop me form making any compulsive quick decisions - which is good. I do know that my usual cam girl is back online, so it will be something of a challenge for me to stay away. I think I have a better chance now that i've admitted to the above to myself

    Since i saw A 2 and a half weeks ago, ive been experiencing some itchiness down there, which may be nothing or something minor, but of course it is something of a concern so I will get myself tested next week

    On a positive, yesterday i found out that ill br moving stations, after 10 years at the same place! A new start, new team, new managment, new area. So much has happend over the last 10 years, and I hope the next chapter of my life will be a positive one

    Meanwhile the dates keep rolling in, which is a good thing :)
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 3

    this morning i had a really solid MW, which is reassuring

    interestingly this demonstrates that any ED is purely psychological (as I already know in my case due to a Doppler test a couple of years back)

    had a few hours sleep at work last night, and glad to see that i feel less tired and better mentally today, so after a short nap today i hope to be more productive then yesterday

    If in honest with myself i still have some thoughts of A wizzing around my brain, but I know in time they will fade, or be replaced :) I will try not to fall in Love/get addicted to the sex of a woman who is not fully "available" again lol

    date with S on sat, with S2 on Sunday with L on Tuesday

    S does text me a lot, which TBH i kind of like. Perhaps my "attachment style" favours regular contact with a person. I do find it reassuring

    interestingly when i tried to picture mental images of my goals last night i couldn't - either i was tired or there is some mental block.

    hope everyone is well

    Last edited: May 31, 2019
    TheScriabin and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 4

    very busy night shift, and as i didn't sleep in the day yesterday, i feel very tired this morning

    i'm quite proud of myself, in that i got in the gym about 10.30 pm last night, session got interrupted by a call out, but i finished it once we got back, However i hurt my lower back lifting sandbags, nothing too major i hope - ill rest it for a day or 2 - cant afford to be missing training as its so important for my physical and mental health.
    I was venting some serious aggression in there and also vocalizing the aggression - which feels good. This makes me wonder if i should vent, express myself in other areas of my life more. Sometimes i feels like i save it all up for the gym (or sex lol)

    if im honest, I am a little distressed emotionally by the situation with A currently, although I think its a situation of my own making, and my own psychology that is causing me the distress. I dont know what I can actually do to make myself feel better. An open chat might be the best answer, and I think there is only one possible outcome to that.

    hopefully I will manage to sleep today, and feel more positive in time to go for dinner with S
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Day 5

    I feel rested and calm today, had a nice lie in in my own bed

    Nice dinner with s last night, went back to hers and although she doesn't want to have sex yet, very nice cuddling and kissing on the sofa which was very soothing. I have to give myself some credit for making this happen from a "cold approach" which i still much prefer to online dating. Hearing her start to moan and get aroused, and start to open up and be receptive is quite a beautiful thing

    Again i noticed how given some female attention i instantly forgot about A.

    I purposely have less planned on my 4 off this week, its good to have some me time to work on music, myself and my flat

    Im committing to 2 gym sessions, and one solo approaching session, probably tomorow
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2019
    Living and TheScriabin like this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Just a question: why the approaching sessions? I mean, right now you are dating with several women, one that seems to have at least some potential for you. But in one of your previous posts you mentioned that you hoped S wouldn't be seeing you a date with another women. Because you said she was traditional chances are she might indeed not like that. I'm not saying you should not take that risk, but I don't really understand why you would take that risk. I mean, I can understand that the approaching sessions and the dates might give you a good feeling, but is that all that you are looking for? I don't know, perhaps I'm just too much of an old school romantic fool:)
  10. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    You perfectionist you!! Any progress with the bass since you posted?
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks dude. yes there has been real progress on the bass - things sounding a lot heavier and more mordern sounding which are some skills i want to use for all our future tracks too! i can send you a clip if interested?
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man! thanks for your input :) well the situation you are talking about was when i had 2 first dates booked in on a Friday and a Sunday in the same area (where both the girls live) As it went well on the Friday with S i was just hoping that i wouldn't run into S on the sunday, which i didn't

    now ive been dating S for a little longer i wouldn't take the risk of either approaching or haing other dates in that same area. Im only dating S currently and we haven't got naked together yet, so im definitly wanting to keep my options open for now - if i can. Lets face it a lot of us men do not have the option for multiple options! Its not easy to have multiple high quality women interested in you at the same time. In terms of what i want, some i see fairly regularly and have fairly regular contact with, and have good sex with.
    Living likes this.
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 1

    i had a lot of no fantasy Ms recently, plus 2 days of watching my usual cam girl once per day. I as very horny for a few day - but that's nothing to be ashamed of, we are men and it is natural :)

    i want to get back on a streak, not because i really care about porn because i would rather have real women in my life

    I really want to eradicate any remaining thoughts of A and really want to avoid this kind of situation again, one which is very familiar, of being involved with a woman who is not fully available to me. It just leads to pain and frustration. Again i wonder if this is a situation i subconsciously seek out. I believe so.

    I had a 2 day real fire course, which i was stressed about but passed, so am very relieved!

    Have lots to do before my night shift and want to do an apporaching session before work too :)
  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I know, I know. And I do pity you for that burden:) Nah, to a certain extent I get you mean and if this is what you want right now, by all means enjoy it!
  15. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    lol no what i mean is for most men, me inlcuded, its not an easy position to reach. I am not in that position now either tbh, just one, just saying its a place i'd like to be (although i have been there in the past)
    Living likes this.
  16. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Yeah I’d love to hear it mate.
  17. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Will email to you

    ive deiced got to get it finished today. Its defitley worth "polishing" a decent idea but at some point its going to be more beneficial to move on and get going on the next tracks. it only our first track after all and tbh it sounds better than i expected, considering!
  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    im on about day 5

    I have had a couple of no fantasy Ms, very satisfying actually. Well if you cant please yourself, how can you expect to please anyone else? lol. Seriously though i would like to keep them in check otherwise one can get a bit carried away

    it was very surreal packing up my stuff and moving stations after 10 years. i got a cab to the new station with all my gear after having had about 2 hours sleep on a night shift. I must admit its a bit daunting, going from know everyone and being quite well established to knowing no one really, a bit like being the new kid at school. But its exciting and a chance to reinvent myself, be the person I am today, which is really quite a different person to who i was 10 years ago. The area is much more interesting, and well, its pretty bloody nice. lots of nice women about. its a very different feeling to be a bit excited and apprehensive about going into work, compared to the normal feeling of "oh god, boiring" and im relieved to not have my manager in charge of me anymore. lets see how we get on, its a bit of a gamble but one has to take risks sometimes.... Funnily enough i found myself feeling grateful that i wasn't actually leaving the fire service, jus ttransferring

    Ive gotten myself a notebook to write down important information. starting with the names of all my new colleagues and the guys on other watches. Im terrible at remembering names but its important to remember them, in terms of building new working relationships

    ended up having an honest and open conversation with A, which made me wish that we had done it earlier. I know dating can be a bit of a game, but after a while I think honesty and truth really come into their own when it comes to relationships. I told her that i couldn't continue as we had been, and that i wold no longer accept, or even suggest things that didn't sit well with me even if it meant that we would no longer see each other

    We are both dating other people now, so she decided that we should have a break from each other, for now, but we may well see each other in the future. We both have feelings for each other, but there is an imbalance

    Provably as a result of the above, i have found myself being feeling a bit emotional over the last few days, and found myself in tears a couple of times. However, sometimes its good to be in touch with ones feelings, although as men I know we usually deal with them in a very private manner. I've been doing a bit of singing when i do my piano practise, which i find to be very cathartic. Who knows maybe one day ill have the courage to do it in front of other people

    im finishing up our first track today, the computer is really struggling with all the processing. To be fair its only our first track and sounds better than i anticipated, time to bloody draw a line under it and move on though.....

    women wise im seeing S tomorow. Should have a date with another next week who seems v nice, and im doing approaching with my friend james this afternoon
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
    TheScriabin likes this.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    ive watched webcams the last 3 days now, fairly briefly. Partly because im horny and not getting any, also partly as its kind of comforting

    still the same cam girl who reminds me of A, so this isnt particularly healthy, that is well and and truly over.

    staring at a new station has been exciting, but also a bit nerve racking. its so much busier. Fingers crossed it goes well

    i want to commit to be being P free for a while now. i have 2 dates next week and S is coming over for dinner on Thursday
    TheScriabin likes this.
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    all ok here, my first tour at station went without any hiccups, which is a good start. To start with all i want is to put across that i have a good, positive attitude and am fairly keen, and not fuck up anything. thats it to begin with

    social anxiety is something that gets thrown about a lot these days, ive always been a bit dismissive of it if im honest. while i think that most people feel some kind of social anxiety from time to time, its been interesting to accept that i certainly feel anxiety in certain social situations, namely in moderately large groups where i don't know everyone, especially at work with groups of firefighters

    sometimes i find large groups intimidating, then i become inhibited and dont contribute verbally, then its a downward spiral from there. I think there are really 2 options in this case, either contribute, or don't give a fuck. if i do give a fuck, not contributing to the conversation will inevitably result in rising anxiety levels. My normal reaction to this is just take myself out of the situation, walk away and go get on with something else on my own somewhere. This is usually at work. While this is ok, i'd like to develop further coping mechanisms.

    what i'd like to try is becoming less inhibited, and letting the thoughts in my mind flow naturally to conversation, without being afraid. the same goes for actions to in some cases. it all comes down to fear, the fear of saying or doing something stupid in the eyes of others

    having said that im fine one to one, or in small groups. practices makes perfect, got to push past the comfort zone, which is actually what im doing by going to another station in the first place. its so much busier, its almost like starting a totally new job and i dont feel like my 10 years count for too much!

    something else i've been thinking about is alpha male, in terms of a group. interestingly i have little interest in being dominant in all male group situations (again this is at work mostly) i just dont really care, as long as no one is really disrespectful towards me, it just doesn't bother me - i'd rather just walk off and go do something else :)

    however, when there are attractive women around, i think this changes. i then care more about how i come across and watch my tone of voice, etc, etc

    interesting stuff

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