Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 4

    very busy night shift, and as i didn't sleep in the day yesterday, i feel very tired this morning

    i'm quite proud of myself, in that i got in the gym about 10.30 pm last night, session got interrupted by a call out, but i finished it once we got back, However i hurt my lower back lifting sandbags, nothing too major i hope - ill rest it for a day or 2 - cant afford to be missing training as its so important for my physical and mental health.
    I was venting some serious aggression in there and also vocalizing the aggression - which feels good. This makes me wonder if i should vent, express myself in other areas of my life more. Sometimes i feels like i save it all up for the gym (or sex lol)

    if im honest, I am a little distressed emotionally by the situation with A currently, although I think its a situation of my own making, and my own psychology that is causing me the distress. I dont know what I can actually do to make myself feel better. An open chat might be the best answer, and I think there is only one possible outcome to that.

    hopefully I will manage to sleep today, and feel more positive in time to go for dinner with S
    Last edited: Jun 1, 2019
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Day 5

    I feel rested and calm today, had a nice lie in in my own bed

    Nice dinner with s last night, went back to hers and although she doesn't want to have sex yet, very nice cuddling and kissing on the sofa which was very soothing. I have to give myself some credit for making this happen from a "cold approach" which i still much prefer to online dating. Hearing her start to moan and get aroused, and start to open up and be receptive is quite a beautiful thing

    Again i noticed how given some female attention i instantly forgot about A.

    I purposely have less planned on my 4 off this week, its good to have some me time to work on music, myself and my flat

    Im committing to 2 gym sessions, and one solo approaching session, probably tomorow
    Last edited: Jun 2, 2019
    Living and TheScriabin like this.
  3. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    You perfectionist you!! Any progress with the bass since you posted?
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks dude. yes there has been real progress on the bass - things sounding a lot heavier and more mordern sounding which are some skills i want to use for all our future tracks too! i can send you a clip if interested?
  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man! thanks for your input :) well the situation you are talking about was when i had 2 first dates booked in on a Friday and a Sunday in the same area (where both the girls live) As it went well on the Friday with S i was just hoping that i wouldn't run into S on the sunday, which i didn't

    now ive been dating S for a little longer i wouldn't take the risk of either approaching or haing other dates in that same area. Im only dating S currently and we haven't got naked together yet, so im definitly wanting to keep my options open for now - if i can. Lets face it a lot of us men do not have the option for multiple options! Its not easy to have multiple high quality women interested in you at the same time. In terms of what i want, some i see fairly regularly and have fairly regular contact with, and have good sex with.
    Living likes this.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 1

    i had a lot of no fantasy Ms recently, plus 2 days of watching my usual cam girl once per day. I as very horny for a few day - but that's nothing to be ashamed of, we are men and it is natural :)

    i want to get back on a streak, not because i really care about porn because i would rather have real women in my life

    I really want to eradicate any remaining thoughts of A and really want to avoid this kind of situation again, one which is very familiar, of being involved with a woman who is not fully available to me. It just leads to pain and frustration. Again i wonder if this is a situation i subconsciously seek out. I believe so.

    I had a 2 day real fire course, which i was stressed about but passed, so am very relieved!

    Have lots to do before my night shift and want to do an apporaching session before work too :)
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    lol no what i mean is for most men, me inlcuded, its not an easy position to reach. I am not in that position now either tbh, just one, just saying its a place i'd like to be (although i have been there in the past)
    Living likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Yeah I’d love to hear it mate.
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Will email to you

    ive deiced got to get it finished today. Its defitley worth "polishing" a decent idea but at some point its going to be more beneficial to move on and get going on the next tracks. it only our first track after all and tbh it sounds better than i expected, considering!
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    im on about day 5

    I have had a couple of no fantasy Ms, very satisfying actually. Well if you cant please yourself, how can you expect to please anyone else? lol. Seriously though i would like to keep them in check otherwise one can get a bit carried away

    it was very surreal packing up my stuff and moving stations after 10 years. i got a cab to the new station with all my gear after having had about 2 hours sleep on a night shift. I must admit its a bit daunting, going from know everyone and being quite well established to knowing no one really, a bit like being the new kid at school. But its exciting and a chance to reinvent myself, be the person I am today, which is really quite a different person to who i was 10 years ago. The area is much more interesting, and well, its pretty bloody nice. lots of nice women about. its a very different feeling to be a bit excited and apprehensive about going into work, compared to the normal feeling of "oh god, boiring" and im relieved to not have my manager in charge of me anymore. lets see how we get on, its a bit of a gamble but one has to take risks sometimes.... Funnily enough i found myself feeling grateful that i wasn't actually leaving the fire service, jus ttransferring

    Ive gotten myself a notebook to write down important information. starting with the names of all my new colleagues and the guys on other watches. Im terrible at remembering names but its important to remember them, in terms of building new working relationships

    ended up having an honest and open conversation with A, which made me wish that we had done it earlier. I know dating can be a bit of a game, but after a while I think honesty and truth really come into their own when it comes to relationships. I told her that i couldn't continue as we had been, and that i wold no longer accept, or even suggest things that didn't sit well with me even if it meant that we would no longer see each other

    We are both dating other people now, so she decided that we should have a break from each other, for now, but we may well see each other in the future. We both have feelings for each other, but there is an imbalance

    Provably as a result of the above, i have found myself being feeling a bit emotional over the last few days, and found myself in tears a couple of times. However, sometimes its good to be in touch with ones feelings, although as men I know we usually deal with them in a very private manner. I've been doing a bit of singing when i do my piano practise, which i find to be very cathartic. Who knows maybe one day ill have the courage to do it in front of other people

    im finishing up our first track today, the computer is really struggling with all the processing. To be fair its only our first track and sounds better than i anticipated, time to bloody draw a line under it and move on though.....

    women wise im seeing S tomorow. Should have a date with another next week who seems v nice, and im doing approaching with my friend james this afternoon
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2019
    TheScriabin likes this.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    ive watched webcams the last 3 days now, fairly briefly. Partly because im horny and not getting any, also partly as its kind of comforting

    still the same cam girl who reminds me of A, so this isnt particularly healthy, that is well and and truly over.

    staring at a new station has been exciting, but also a bit nerve racking. its so much busier. Fingers crossed it goes well

    i want to commit to be being P free for a while now. i have 2 dates next week and S is coming over for dinner on Thursday
    TheScriabin likes this.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    all ok here, my first tour at station went without any hiccups, which is a good start. To start with all i want is to put across that i have a good, positive attitude and am fairly keen, and not fuck up anything. thats it to begin with

    social anxiety is something that gets thrown about a lot these days, ive always been a bit dismissive of it if im honest. while i think that most people feel some kind of social anxiety from time to time, its been interesting to accept that i certainly feel anxiety in certain social situations, namely in moderately large groups where i don't know everyone, especially at work with groups of firefighters

    sometimes i find large groups intimidating, then i become inhibited and dont contribute verbally, then its a downward spiral from there. I think there are really 2 options in this case, either contribute, or don't give a fuck. if i do give a fuck, not contributing to the conversation will inevitably result in rising anxiety levels. My normal reaction to this is just take myself out of the situation, walk away and go get on with something else on my own somewhere. This is usually at work. While this is ok, i'd like to develop further coping mechanisms.

    what i'd like to try is becoming less inhibited, and letting the thoughts in my mind flow naturally to conversation, without being afraid. the same goes for actions to in some cases. it all comes down to fear, the fear of saying or doing something stupid in the eyes of others

    having said that im fine one to one, or in small groups. practices makes perfect, got to push past the comfort zone, which is actually what im doing by going to another station in the first place. its so much busier, its almost like starting a totally new job and i dont feel like my 10 years count for too much!

    something else i've been thinking about is alpha male, in terms of a group. interestingly i have little interest in being dominant in all male group situations (again this is at work mostly) i just dont really care, as long as no one is really disrespectful towards me, it just doesn't bother me - i'd rather just walk off and go do something else :)

    however, when there are attractive women around, i think this changes. i then care more about how i come across and watch my tone of voice, etc, etc

    interesting stuff
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    was very tired today, so couldnt make it to the gym. the mind was willing but the body not able. As a CFS "survivor" I know this will happen from time to time, and when it does i just need to take it easy

    don't seem to be able to stay of the cams very long really, although it was just a 10 minute watch. I know there is no point being to hard on myself or beating myself up about it. I find it very hard to stay away when i dont have the promise of real sex around the corner. Even though S is coming over for dinner on thurs i find it hard to believe that we will be having sex. perhaps ill bring it up with her - seems to be "seeing" each other in every way.

    im still watching the girl that reminds me of A, and fantasising about her while watching. Its a bit difficult to get over having such wonderful sex. But watching P means im less likely to go out there and get some more. Not really a good situation or healthy

  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 7

    well things finally got sexual with S, so as a result im able to not watch P quite easily. that's how it works for me. Although we didn't fully do it (as i didnt have a condom) it was good to get naked and i made her cum twice

    I do feel some positive effects of not masturbating, more MW for one

    things at the new station are starting to feel more comfortable, which is good

    im taking a little break from music, for a week or 2. Its hot, and i want to focus on socialising and chasing women for a little while. i should have 3 dates lined up this week and i want to do some approaching before tonight's date

    I still think about A a fair bit, but often in a positive way (not always) for example feeling grateful for the good experiences.

    Stag weekend this weekend, with shooting, shotgun, crossbow, longbow, rifle, etc. super cool
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  15. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day one

    i got to about 2 weeks P free though which is good. I watched my favourite cam girl yesterday and didn't enjoy it as much as usual, maybe she (and the fantasies related to A) are losing some of their hold on me. I hope so

    I finally had sex with someone other than A, with S. It was ok, and something of a relief, i don't think we are really that compatible sexually so ill definitely be attempting to keep my options open. If i were just to commit to her I don't think sex would be either particularly regular or good, which is not what i want. If im honest i like a girl who enjoys sex a lot, is keen, and likes a good hard fuck so is not too fragile physically. S said i ruined her and needed to be more gentle in the future, which is not really what i want. Really what i want is the same kind of physical connection i had with A, i don't know if ill ever experience that again. Time will tell

    I've been doing quite a few approaches, many of which don't go very well, but thats the nature of it. On the way to my stag weekend i approached a girl at the station, had great banter and about a 15 min chat, a hug and kiss on the cheek after. However she didn't respond to my message, so it just shows that you never know what to expect

    tomorrow i have a second date with L, I really want to throw my old "morals" out of the window for a little while, after all where did they get me? Im tougher emotionally than ive ever been and im ready to do what is best for me, which is slightly narcissistic, but im going to give it a go. Ideally i'd like to have several options on the go at once for a change, Lets see how it goes and if i have the capability to achieve this int he first place.

    Diet has been really good, I've managed to cut out a lot of the sweet snacks i used to eat when moving to my new station. My diet was still good, but i'd say its 10% better. Training has been good, doing my weights routine and keeping track of what im lifting. I also got my own 65kg sandbag for work which ive been lifting, and also carrying up and down the stairs at work. Its a real "dirty" deadlift and ,uch more challenging than a conventional deadlift with a bar, also i can fill it with more sand as i want to increase the weight

    I don't think im an addict, i'd argue that a lot of the people on here may not be. I know the label "addict" can be kind of comforting. Maybe we are just men with testosterone whizzing round our bodies and need to fuck! With no sexual outlet, or unsatisfactory/irregular sex its understandable that many of turn to porn.

    i enjoyed my weekend away with the guys, shooting was awesome. Started badly with the shotguns, but made a come back to come joint second place overall. Archery and crossbows were my favourite. Did bring out my competative side a little, and it was interesting to see how badly i felt about being poor at shotguns, rather ashamed.

    music has been taking a bit of a back seat, its sunny and i feel like going out more and chasing women. Very tired today after a busy night shift, but now im free for 4 days. got to get myself moving now and try make the msot of the last few hours of the day
    Thebeg likes this.
  16. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    Impressive that you're doing so many approaches.
    cjm and Thebeg like this.
  17. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 1

    i did watch P once yesterday and a few times the day before, but hell i enjoyed it.

    Now i have some motivation for getting back on a streak, as i have a date lined up for next week with a potentially really cool girl, and a few other possibilities

    I met this one on an app, and as shes been away in her home country, and i'm going away this week - we did a couple of chats on the phone and also last night a 1.5 hour video chat, where she was walking around her home town in eastern Europe. Never did this before, but actually its a good idea, like a pre date - to see if you like each other. I actually really like European girls that are not from UK, especially those that are from a smaller town or village - in my experience they seem to be bit less of a pain in the ass than native girls from London, a little less entitled, a little more straight forward. I also find eastern European girls quite naturally beautiful. So i think there is a lot of potential with this one, but lets see how it goes

    The interesting thing about dating, you can refine what you like/don't like and what you want, even from just meeting women and talking with them. I have come to realise that i much prefer younger women, most of the women my own age don't really do it for me. Some of them have start to let themselves go physically, and mentally some of them seem a little too set in their ways/inflexible - perhaps i am a little too set in my ways too. Its a harsh observation, and maybe a little opinionated of me, but it seems that some single women my own age, especially the native London ones - have either turned to food or alcohol and lean on them a little too heavily, and somewhat given up going to the gym.

    Fortunately for us men, its a pretty common thing and seen as very acceptable to date a woman around 10 years your junior. On my app I even set the maximum age to 28. The app thing seems to be starting to pay off now

    I am off work sick with an injury, and it seems like exhaustion has crept up on me rather suddenly, so im having a few days of real rest, no gym, no pressure to do anything, no going anywhere. Just reading, rest and a little music when i feel up to it. I feel grateful to have a job that will give me sick leave when i need it.

    finally got the amended master back for our first track, and im happy with the results. I think for a first attempt its a belter :)
    TheScriabin likes this.
  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    bloody hell i'm intrigued by that Lithuanian girl!

    haven't even met her yet so got to keep calm and keep the options open :)

    making slow progress on next track. For me making a track takes a long time, i like to make the beat from scratch without using other peoples complete loops so it takes a lot of revisiting, improving, taking a break etc

    back to work tomorrow, exhaustion seems to be receding.
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    She looked nice in the picture! Keep us posted with developments ;-)

    Yes, and it shows in the quality of your work CJM. Looking forward to hearing what you come up with next.
    cjm likes this.
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    about 2 weeks no P

    doing generally well, settling in to the new station, i believe it was a good move. I like the boss, the guys and the area and i feel more keen, motivated and i'm enjoying the job more. The other day we had to put up our biggest ladder to rescue a pigeon, i climbed up to the 4th storey, one foot on the balcony and used a ceiling hook to cut away at the netting that it had its feet trapped in. It flew off ok and the crowd of people were cheering, which was quite funny. Glad it went ok seeing as it wouldn't have looked good if it died in front of so many people. The boss told me well done and i felt a little bit proud that i had performed competently and confidently in front of a new crew and so many members of the public

    then i went home and ate a whole chicken. The irony wasn't lost on me

    i read a book about an FBI agents career pursuing the worst kind of predators in society, murderers, child abusers and child molesters. Shocking but very interesting, and made me consider again the implications of pornography a little more seriously. Interestingly Porn and fantasy often have a big part to play in these peoples stories, and they often suffer from some kind of ED too. Made me think about my own abuse as a child, and really be grateful that i wan't actually raped, or killed. The guy had complete power over me at those times as i was so small and defenceless.

    I'm dating and currently have a few options, but only sleeping with one. The Lithuanian girl seems really nice. I'm doing approaches still, generally i feel like im developing a thick skin regarding dating, and i don't really care if a girl doesn't text me back when i get her no. There are some many potential options passing through it starts not to matter so much. While i have let go of the "perfect relationship" fantasy, the "live happily ever after" fairy tale idea - which is not a realistic idea after all, and it can be a little frustrating how much work/time it seems to take for things to get sexual its all ok

    i met a smoking hot girl from south Africa yesterday, i walked past the supermarket and saw her, then approached. She probably wont reply but im not too bothered, its a numbers game. One thing i need to work on is "2 sets" i.e a group of 2 girls, I've never approached 2 girls out on the street and they often walk about in pairs so that's the next challenge. I have now approached many beautiful women, and got several no.s most of it doesn't go anywhere, but thats just the nature of things. I find i give less and less of a fuck - which is good. Its about not tying up ones self esteem with external stuff that one ultimately cant control.

    I feel comfortable being single now, don't need a woman its just an added bonus. Sexually my libido has been a little lower recently, which has been good actually - less need. Now i will just do whats best for me, but obviously i do not want to hurt anyone - but my own needs and wants come first from now on

    I also joined a site for kinky people, thinking perhaps i might have better luck finding a submissive, kinky girl who enjoys all the things i do in this kind of community. I'm considering going to a social, or going to a bondage workshop where i can learn about rope. In my job i already am pretty good with knots lol!

    staying with my parents last week made me reflect on the same time last year when i was staying with them, and how far i have come mentally in this time. I just feel like the pain i used to carry around with me so much of the time is evaporating, or even gone. All the books i read help me, and i no longer view reading novels and non music books as a waste of time. Its like the authors knowledge, soul and experiences are distilled into the pages, and you can absorb a little with each new book you read.

    music has been taking a bit of a back seat, but im still plodding away, taking my time currently on the new track, we have the basic layout, currently just trying to get the beat as perfect as possible before continuing.

    Training is good, hitting targets. Diet is good, lost a little belly fat. I look good and feel good. :) I can throw my sandbag round pretty well, i keep it at the new station. No one else so far can even pick the damn thing up :)
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2019
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