Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    negative post alert:

    damn ive slipped into the funk a bit

    I dont do well with not feeling well, as i cant do my usual stuff. Went for a run last night and woke up today feeling more ill, so ill lay off the exercise for a few more days. At least i have a days holiday today

    I think actually the situation with A is weighing me down a little. Ive given myself a few days, and if i still feel the same ill let her know that i dont want to continue. That would be the first time ive done that to her LOL! Its wither that or i wait for her to bail on me eventually, or just fizzle out. perhaps its best for me to evacuate myself from this sinking (already sunk?) ship first this time :) It just seems that as I allow this to continue my cynicism and general negativity increases

    So plan of action (stop moping start coping)

    1) give myself a couple of days, id i still feel the same way end it once and for all with A

    2) Daily hypnotherapy recordings (already started the last 3 days)

    3) Finish the new self help book, but into actions these ideas. There are a lot of overlaps with "feeling good" = So far the basic premise is that the body/mind/emotional response to something is the same, weather it be real or imagined - so therefore we have a lot more power over our thoughts/feelings mental state than imagined

    4) Once im well again hit the gym again - leeps me sane

    5) Women. Either I go back to being happy single again (which is definitely possible) Or i get proactive and make it happen. There isn'y much of a go between. If i have real women in my life that i enjoy sex with P use naturally falls away )well at least to start with lol) Approaching in the day is great - i need to do solo sessions as its much harder without mates there to egg you on

    6) Carry on with music. I have a new teacher, loads to learn - in fact there are several lifetimes worth of stuff to learn

    7) Work. Try and be more positive about work. At the end of the day its a cool job and pays the bills. maybe i can look into transferring again or some kind of change

    here is a clip of our first track if anybody is interested:
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2019
  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    I hope you’re on the up again soon mate. Yeah, get out there again and start talking to some girls again. Don’t pressure yourself too much but just enjoy the natural highs. You’re socially very competent, calm and also very good looking guy. Like we said the other night, the grass is always greener, but however sometimes we crave that more tasty grass for a good reason.

    Remember though p and too much isolation demotivate us, so sometimes we need to give ourselves that little push.
    cjm likes this.
  3. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    One good day is all you need to get going. The building up gives confidence, little by little.

    cjm likes this.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks for replies chaps

    I have been on more of an upward trajectory recently. I think of having some history of what i would call low level, chronic depression i get a bit worried when my mood starts to dip

    Ive just finished my tour at work, and its so nice to be home and not have to go to work for a few days :)

    I've been reading Psyco-Cybernetics which is another book i heard about through this forum. Very good and in a similar vein to Feeling good

    As said before the basic premise is fairly simple, that the effects on the morale and nervous sytem and emotions are very similar weather the event be "real" or "imagined"

    Part of me thinks "well im just fooling myself with these imaginings" but the reality is that I fool myself with negative feedback loops of bad and negative thoughts, playing over some past event, or even negative events that haven't even happend, or even in some cases when ive been depressed my own suicide

    Ive started doing visualisation exercises before i go to bed, which is more active than listening to hypnotherapy recordings, which i would say is more passive. You imagine yourself doing what you want to do, how you want to be. Its really cool and almost a bit like what i would imagine a lucid dream to be like. I've found the most powerful imaginings are to do with success with music, love and sex - or unexpectedly for me having a young family. This seems strange for me a certainly on one level I dont want to give up my free time and space.

    I do find myself liking kids more as a grow older. I had 2 little "nieces" with my ex GF and i really loved them. All the playing was very liberating and fun, the cuddles were lovely. My neighbours have a very sweet little girl about 3 years old who im very fond off

    At work I came to the realisation that i find my manager difficult to work with and dont want to do it anymore. After getting into a bit of a row with him, for the second time during a serious incident (fire) this tour I realised that i need to get away, for my own good. Its hard enough to think clearly sometimes especially during a stressful incident, so the last thing i need is the distraction of conflict with my boss. I know im not the only one who finds him difficult, and although hes a nice guy he drives me fucking nuts sometimes, and i know im not the only one. So already ive requested to move stations (again) I hope it works out this time. I need a change after 10 years!! It actually feels good to aknowledge it and talk about it with my colleagues.

    Women wise A got in touch and her grandma had been ill and died. I'm glad i just left it and will be seeing her in a week and a half, so time to get off the P to ensure good performance. I did 4 day game approaches this week, no numbers, they all had BFs but was well received and i put myself in front of some beautiful and sexy women. I'm reluctant to go online for dating atm. Plan to keep up the approaches and its likley eventually ill get a date out of it lol!

    P wise i watch a bit, because i want to and enjoy it but believe I can get off it when i have the potential for real sex coming up. As ive said before i can see the positives in Porn now as well as the negatives.

    Music wise i met another producer and engineer with some great skills that im hoping to get on board for our project!Keeping on keeping on! Constantly finding new music that i love to listien too. Really enjoying getting a grip on chord voicing for jazz/popular music harmony

    so yeah not bad at all, lets keep up the momentum! Summer is coming baby!
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  5. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Love your writing style @cjm , thoughtful, honest and positive despite your battles with the depression from time to time. You’re a quality bloke and it’s a pleasure to know you. Maybe your recent feelings of enjoying the company of children is a sign and calling... time to move forward and find that special soulmate to build a life with...?
    cjm likes this.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    @TheScriabin Ah shucks man, thanks :) See you soon mate

    Yes i do need to start making more effort with the women, I haven't been able to face getting myself online, of course I have the thing with A going on in the background, which is cool (the sex is very good) but also can be a source of some pain at times. Like today she informed me that she had unprotected sex on the weekend and wanted to know if i was still up for meeting up, whilst i appreciate the honesty and of course we are both totally free agents, I probably would have rather not known and must admit it stung a little, although i played it cool of course :) On the plus side, it may be a good thing as it'll distance me from her emotionally, and well, getting a text like that is hardly going to endear you or make you attracted to a person is it! lol

    It really would be a good idea for me to start getting myself some other options but i seem to be lacking a bit of drive in that department, although im still doing some approaches in the daytime, The plus side of that is i feel pretty good being single and unattached. After years and years of constant dating and chasing women, i dont feel the need to the "fill the void" anymore these last few months. That's pretty damn awesome

    Today was a good day, music, gym and I cut the hedge outside my flat

    Feeling pretty good

    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  7. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    That's a weird thing to tell someone. Is she just testing you?
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hmmm dont think so. Probably just brutal honesty as we usually have unprotected sex and usually dont do it with other people
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Well im on about day 4 right now

    The thing with A is not a pleasant thought, but its already getting better and a positive is that its motivated me to get myself back online and chatting with women. Im definitely getting some attention, though i need to hone my texting skills, I've had a couple of very good looking women message me, but both stopped replying when i mentioned i was working at the weekend. Im considering actually just making stuff up when im talking to these kind of women online, just to get the date, and will practise different texting techniques on the app. Silly and funny or teasing may be a better way to go

    I have a date set up with one pretty nice looking girl next week, lets see how that goes

    I was at a neighbouring station today, and took part in a little mini ceremony at ST Pauls as apparently it was International firefigheters day today, actually was a fairly profound and sombre feeling standing to attention, there in silence with the bells ringing out and the leaves rustling in the wind.

    Had a good day, I actually enjoy being at other stations now, away from my boss lol and with new people. I feel like im making some progress with overall mood and people skills. As a child i was extremely shy and withdrawn and its taking a long time to learn some more extroverted skills, and to open up and vocalise, and feel like what i have to say is worth saying - but were getting there. Sometimes it seems like adulthood is about trying to repair the inevitable damage that was done to us when we are vulnerable children. In fact today I was thinking that a good way at looking at life is as a series of challenges, of goals to be overcome and in fact, perhaps thats what makes life worth living in the first place!

    I was feeling pretty unmotivated today to get in the gym but made it! Felt pumped after and trying out a new exercise i saw online, its a real burner!

    On the way home i sat next to a girl who was instantly very appealing to me, very beautiful and blonde, but in a soft understated way. She seemed to have a cool energy to her. I decided to write my number on my bookmark and hand it to her with a quick hello as i got off the tube, but chickened out at the last minute. I was really down on myself for that for about an hour, so now i know how that feels -ts not a good feeling and id like to avoid it in the future. Its like my mate says, you only regret the ones you don't try with. Furthermore, Ive always ruled out chatting up women when im in uniform, but after talking to my boss (whos actually pretty conservative) he said its fine as long as your respectful and polite, so the fact that im even considering it now is an improvement

    One thing that i really notice, now that im putting myself "back on the market" I crave it more, and notice women more, and notice couples more. However, now i've retuned to my flat, my little comfortable "fortress of solitude" lol i feel good and ready to relax and have a (very little) bit of me time before the next shift tomorrow
    TheScriabin likes this.
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    on day 8 ish

    I have felt the need for a M twice so far though just to let the pressure out so to speak

    doing my imagination exercises before sleep, and it really seems to help, as does the book

    Finished work this morning, so glad to be off now for a few days! Had agreed to go for a cycle with the guys from work in the morning, but luckily it was raining so it got cancelled. I agreed as i feel like im always saying no to the guys, but truthfully the last thing my introvert self wants to do after a night shift is hang out with a group of people, any group of people to be honest. I do think occasionally its worth doing things we dont really want to do, to keep up appearances, but for the most part i won't do this

    I had a good day game session the other day, before and after meeting my friend for an early dinner to discuss music projects and before my night shift, which he is on board for (which is very exciting). Im finding more and more that i prefer to have a something in common with my male friends, something strong - mostly music now, or women

    I followed one very attractive girl into the the chemist, approaches got her no. Did 2 more, got their no.s Ive texted 2 of them, got one date lined up and the was chatting to the super fine one for a while, but she seems to have dropped off now that it comes to arranging a date. However, the one i have a date with I had by far the best conversation with, she seems highly intelligent, interesting, and good looking. Actually she offered me her no, touched my arm as i was leaving and is refreshingly enthusiastic about meeting up

    The feeling after doing these approaches is just immense, such a natural high and sense of achievement, although i have the app "hinge" going in the background, I don't enjoy it much and im finding a familiar pattern of lots of attractive matches, few responses to messages, and even fewer dates (although I have one on Thursday). I think day time approaches is better, more fun, more challenging and more rewarding and better for self development

    I think i will be doing more and look forward to putting myself in front of some very beautiful young women lol!

    Seeing A on friday, i'm glad i didnt freak out over her having sex with someone else and feel totally ok with it now, perhaps this is "plate theory" in action, Were both very keen to meet up,and in fact i had her texting me whilst masturbating yesterday, so the chemistry is still red hot after 2 odd years

    Even though Im an introvert, social skills are important and also very satisfying and fulfilling so should be practised and expanded upon, Afterall there is a lot of truth in the saying "its not what you know its who you know"

    Onwards and upwards! Today is my only "me" day on days off as lots planned
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
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  11. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Well done mate! :cool:
    cjm likes this.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 10 or so

    good day, gym, music, went on a date in evening

    im really not a fan of internet dating, its more or less a blind date (even though youve seen a few pictures)

    i dont think anything much predicts what the chemistry will be like, or how you will get on with a person. funnily enough even though rationally id like to date another introvert, i often seem to have much better chemistry with more extroverted personalities

    she was a nice looking girl and had massive tits but its was just a lot of effort and felt awkward at times. afterwards i went to my favourite turkish restraunt, i know the guys in there anyway so had a chat with them

    had a really good chat with one of the trainers in the gym about all the good stuff, ie music and women lol. its good to make mates

    atm i have 2 dates next week with the women i met during daygame last week, including the super fine one who got back to me eventually, lets see how it goes, i really think talking to women in the day is the way forward, should be seeing A tomorow and she asked to to chill out at hers on sat, then seeing a colleauge of mine in an MMA fight in the late afternooon

    ive gotten into a bad habbit again of watching my laptop before bed, so today is the day when i will atttempt to revert to my previous habbit of reading a book

    can highly recommend pyscho-cybernetics- great book
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 13 or so

    had a great few days off, although perhaps slightly too busy for my liking as less time for music and gym

    had an excellent time at A's, great company, great sex and went out to a nice restaurant. It feels very couple like when we are together, a lot of tenderness, hand holding etc but of course the situation is not as straight forward as it may appear to onlookers. The last thing i said to her was that i'd leave it to her to let me know when she available to meet again, and of course I don't actually know if that will, or when it will happen. Its strange alternating between feelings so quickly but overall its been a great experience and one that i wouldn't have wanted to miss.

    However, although i do feel a temporary and somewhat familiar feeling of discomfort/confusion I absolutely will not let it bring me down or mess with my positive mood. After all it is my own interpretation of events that effects me so, I must remember that

    There are many other women out there, and I have a couple more dates lined up next week anyway. Im starting to feel more confident in my ability to get myself more options, i really feel that approaching in the day is the way forward

    Actually now that dating life seems to be picking back up again, i feel naturally that i dont want to watch P. Perhaps this is the key, to many things. Good quote from the book im reading (I paraphrase) "Where the imagination and willpower are in conflict, Imagination almost always wins"

    Yesterday i saw a friend form work in his debut MMA fight. Man that was a rough crowd, but he won against a 25 year old opponent at 42 :)

    Had a good day at work, after a good hard workout in the gym at work, i went to lift the heavier 82 kg sand bag my friend/colleague uses for training onto my shoulder and did it it for the first time. Twice! Such a great feeling. I love little challenges and overcoming them. Such a fantastic feeling . I have time for dinner and some piano practise before bed :)
    Last edited: May 12, 2019
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  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    well i made it to 2 weeks +

    if im honest, the "withdrawal" from all that great sex and time spent with A on wknd is much stronger than anything i've experienced with P before and the uncertainty of the situation does mess with my mind a bit. Ill see how i feel in a week or so, perhaps then ill take some action, suggest something that I want, and see what the response is. She did give me an open invitation to go round there so I can always see if that's something i can hold her to. Afterall A girl is just another human being and should be held accountable to certain standards of behaviour that i would expect from other human beings, ie friends and family lol :)

    at the same time though, perhaps i should also try to react similarly as i would with other human beings, who i am not so attached to or intimate with :)

    in the meantime i promised myself i'd so some approaches today on the way to work, P or not so im going to stick to that and hold myself accountable here

    pretty productive morning, done my piano practise and still time to work on
    Last edited: May 14, 2019
  15. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm on day 1 again

    i got myself a bit anxious yesterday and ended up watching P. Going to try harder to get back on a streak

    after a good nights sleep in my own bed i'm feeling better

    allowing myself a gentle slow start this morning then gym, piano, music, life admin

    I've gotten into a tv series, they can be quite addictive i find and luckily there are only 2 series as i dont really have the spare time to waste watching tv

    PS i kept to my word and did about 10 approaches on way to work tues night
    Last edited: May 16, 2019
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  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    today i had my first ever date from approaching women in the day

    it was really good. Turns out she was closer to my age, which to be honest is not what i usually go for nowadays, but she was really lovely, very good looking, elegant and intelligent. Spent about 8 hours together, which passed very quick. Disregarding A this is the best date ive had in over 2 years - nice drinks and dinner, kissing and affection

    also she was very open about being keen and her enjoying herself and about wanting to meet up again - which is refreshingly different

    the most astounding thing was how quickly i felt better about the A situation - instantly

    I hope to see her again :)

    I also had a piano lesson today woth my new teacher, she is so cool and such a good piano player. Just wow. Had the lesson at the local jazz club

    Lets not stop pushing for what we want guys. keep on keeping on
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  17. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 3, i did M today but im ok with that every few days or so atm

    very hungover today, for the first time in a while. not productive at all, couldn't get out of bed until late in the afternoon, at least i got some cleaning done, and finaly dragged myself out for a run at 9.30 in the eve

    im noticing my self discipline hasn't been as good the last couple of weeks, time spent on music and genreal enthusiasm for it has been slipping a lot, partly because ive been pursuing dating again, which can be quite time consuming, and also tends to take up a fair bit of head space for me. hopefully its just a little natural "ebb and flow" going on and ill get fired up about it all again soon. I tend to be a little obsessive and it can sometimes be hard for me to maintain strong interests in lots of things at the same time.

    having said that i have been hitting my exercise targets and eating well (although today i dint eat that much as i was too hungover)

    should have a date with S from last night next week, fingers crossed. should also have a date with N tomorrow. only problems is they live verrrry close together (as i met them on the same high street) so if it goes ahead i might try and miss the usual drinking spots to decrease the chance of bumping into S

    it went well last night. I "dropped the ball" once or twice, mostly due to being quite drunk but for the most part it seemed like a very good evening
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  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 4

    today i had my second ever date from daytime approaching

    funnily enough even though this girl was hotter and about 5 years younger "on paper" i much more enjoyed the date with S and even at times found this one a bit boring. Sometimes she was just talking, talking about herself almost to herself telling some stories that i found a bit boring. To see her from a distance i think "wow" but actually talking together for a while it doesn't seem like there is so much chemistry

    The common "scene change" thing i often do during a date didnt seem to work so well, actually the energy decreased when we got to the next place, even though i tried to keep it up

    I think part of it comes down to how much the girl is into you, and happy to express that. A girl that's into you, touching you, who's eyes light up when you talk, who you connect with intellectually - that's the real magic

    I do hope that S didn't see us

    I might send her a non committal text tomorrow or maybe ill just leave it

    I could have been practising piano instead.................

    however did a good gym session, up to 4 x 8 130 kg dead lift and went to visit my grandma
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^^I’m similar, I find balance very difficult to achieve. But I think, especially where women are concerned, you can allow yourself the freedom to enjoy getting out there and accept that your usual routine/interests might be put on the back burner for a while. That is when life is most beautiful after all, when we create new experiences that mess with our every day lives. I’ve been pondering the idea recently that all habits are bad, even good ones! So anything that feels different is good. I noticed my cold shower/fitness/breathing routine was making my daily existence a bit repetitive and tedious. It’s just a thing I do, and I like it, but it isn’t exactly going with the flow of life, it’s just another itch to scratch each day. Going with the flow is a more difficult art for me to master, but it sounds as though you are doing ok. Well done mate for getting out there and making some waves. :cool:
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
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  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    @TheScriabin thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement

    Day 7

    Good day working on music, the new track is coming together.... Slowly :)

    I did an approaching session on the way to work - my first one seemed to go pretty well and i got her no. Never know if she'll reply or not.

    Im looking forward to seeing S on the weekend - atm things look positive as she is making herself available and initiating contact. I like her, but you never know what might happen

    N is away, as i wasnt so confident if she would want a second date, i left it that she should send me a hello on her return if she'd like to go out again :)

    Im on nights and i want to squeeze in a 5k row before resting time. Hopefully it'll be not too busy
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