Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    I think im on day 7, slightly disorientated and jetlagged

    my frst day back was spent mostly sleeping, as i over slept by accident

    however i do feel recharged and ready to crack on with all the stuff I have to do

    I've been texting with a couple of girls i used to date, trying to get back into the swing of things

    Also, most notably, i just got a text from A where she called me "daddy" so it seems that we might be seeing each other again, and that she may feel the same way about our sex as i do

    hope everybody is well

  2. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey man, yeah looking
    forward to it. Let me know when you want to crack on with it.

    Edit: just removed stuff, don’t want to hikack your thread dude, and I must start focusing on positives. Of course there is always negative stuff, but I’m doing ok all things considered!
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2019
    cjm likes this.
  3. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Good to hear you're having a good time down under cjm. I heard that the backpack culture makes it quite easy to meet women, and as they're away from their normal (judgmental) environment, they are rather relaxed when it comes to things turning sexual.
    cjm likes this.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey dude

    nice one ill be in touch shortly

    well i think its good that you did that, not that i care at all about you hijacking my thread, you can write anything at all you like

    but i think it shows you are trying to "reprogram" the way you react to things, and sometimes that is all we can really do. After all, a lot of times, I believe thats what depression essentially is

    Having said that, if you ever are really struggling, do reach out to someone. Always welcome to get in touch if you need to
  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 9 ish

    day 1 of no M

    now i have some real incentive to get off the M, just to try and build up my potential for good performance so ill be keeping track of that

    seeing A quite soon, its really good to be in touch with her again, and there has been some meticulous sex planning going on :) It's been quite a drama, and ive not experienced anything like it in my life before

    I think i'm in a better place psychologically than last time i saw her, so hopefully i can handle things better. I think a key thing with her is keeping the pressure off. She really has to want to meet up, there is not point trying to push something. Better to be patient rather than push too much and scare her away

    getting in touch with some other women i used to date went surprisingly well, should be seeing them soon too. Ill try to forget most of the things i "learnt" previously, use my own judgement and essentially just do what the fuck i want. I like the idea currently of having female "friends" that i might also sleep with. Anyway lets see how it goes

    Glad to be back on the music, first shift back at work this evening. slightly anxious about it :)
    TheScriabin likes this.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    well i got to day 14 no P, day 4 no M

    watched cams today, crazy how even though im seeing A end of next week and a couple more dates coming up i couldn't stay away, i wont lie - i enjoyed it and i dont feel guilty - i just dont want to jeopardise any chance of performing well in the near future

    going back to work was hard, very busy night shifts

    must take control now, must look forward and imagine how embarrassing poor performance would be. I commit myself to no P until i see A, at least, and minimal M too
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2019
  7. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey m8. Charging up definitely helps. Although you also have the cialis to rely on, or do you plan on not using that? Most of the time, the cialis works well for me.
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Yes mate, i definitely plan to have some in the wallet :) not had a problem with A before though its usually very comfortable
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Day 3 no p or m.

    I've been struggling a bit the last few days falling back into the old thought patterns and feeling pretty negative

    Ill give it a few more days and if things don't pick up ill have to take some kind of action

    In what's probably quite conventional for "post holiday Blues" lots of fantasies about changing jobs, moving countries, or at least moving stations

    Hell it could be worse, much worse

    I was enjoying my new "more positive" persona, and miss feeling that way

    Perhaps ill start the hypnotherapy again as that really seemed to help

    I realize its more to do with "internal" interpretation of reality more than it has to do with reality itself
    Thebeg likes this.
  10. Caoimhín

    Caoimhín Winter's coming...

    This is really normal and I've been there myself. I find it really mind-bending to readjust. Travelling can be such a freeing experience especially if we feel stuck in our old lives. But this is also an opportunity for you. You may not completely change your life but what of your "travelling persona" could you bring back? Maybe you were more socially gregarious? Maybe you tried new things more often? Maybe more adventurous?
    cjm likes this.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks for your reply mate :)
    Caoimhín likes this.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    well i got to over 2 weeks without wanking at all or watching porn

    watched porn today, but i dont agree with calling it a "relapse" personally. In my opinion that's a serious medical term :) It did turn into a bit of a binge though.....

    ive been doing well generally, and recovered my more positive attitude that ive been having of late, feels good. I can safely say that im mostly depression free these days - which is great

    I saw A the other day, was great - she stayed over. Absolutely mind blowing chemistry - we both agree its the best we ever had. I wont go into details but we did EVERYTHING. its a bit of a special dominant/submissive thing we have going on. Even though shes a feminist she like to be forced into submission, and likes to be roughed around - its very animal. I think quite a lot of women are like this deep down

    shes a complicated soul though - and in my opinion she massively over complicates/ over analyses things - so therefore although i think ill be seeing her again, it may be a while and prob best to play it cool and try and get some other "options going"

    To a typical mans mind, its like "hey we have a great time together, amazing chemistry, amazing kissing, lets hang out more, soon"

    but with her its the same as above, "but this, but that, blah blah blah thinking of every single angle, thinking about her future, kids, etc" It must be very tiring to think like that all the time

    anyway i was a bit nervous about sex as it had been a while, but i think its fair to say i performed well and its reassuring to know that i can "still do sex"

    Been on a few dates with another girl. did some cold approaches the other day, found that i felt completely fearless and didnt give a fuck - none of them went that well but i put muself in front of some very attractive ladies. Im committing to doing this again soon, solo

    music going pretty well, still so much to do on current project - the more familiar i get with it the more things pop out at me that need fixing, but i believe this track will be good when finished

    Another thing worth mentioning, i stayed up late last night in the studio, but today i have felt very tired and lethargic and unproductive, so this doesn't work for me, i must go to bed at a decent time, as i have been doing - this is better for me in the long run. its now 2.20 pm and ive achieved nothing today

    so day zero. I dont think porn is bad in moderation, but I think if you want real sex with real women, its better not to watch it. Partly because of the "guilt" factor, partly because i will perform better and be better motivated if i dont watch it or limit its usage
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2019
    Thebeg likes this.
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 1

    good day, pretty productive. I had in my mind that i was going out in the evening, sometimes a bit of time pressure is a good thing, got in the gym. piano practise, and at leat 4 hours of production time

    went out in the evening, to see my mate play - he had to shoot off after so i was left on my own and left pretty soon

    this would have been the type of situation that would have got me feeling depressed previously. A few drinks, a somewhat disappointing night out - failing to connect with any women (of which there were quite a few nice looking ones), a somewhat bleak journey home on public transport. In this kind of situation i used to just sink into despair

    So i can say im really making improvements. I believe you can will your mind out of depression, by taking control of your thoughts, fighting the negative ones

    Glad to be back in my flat. Sometimes i hate it outside. Noisy and chaotic. Here is ordered, everything in its right place. That's what I endeavour to do with my music. Everything in its right place. A beautiful little, well ordered world of colour and light - frequency and time. That's the dream

    It got me thinking tonight, so when is it worth confronting painful thoughts and questions? My conclusion, this evening anyway, was very rarely. I decided that the kind of painful questions i have, do not actually have an answer that i can ever know. So there is very little, if any point, to letting them linger in the minds eye - where they inevitably cause me distress

    Another thing i was thinking about today is relationships or "relationships" as i should call them in today's seemingly extremely commitment phobic society. Well music without dissonance, without tension that resolves - is to my mind pretty boring. And i think the same could be said for "relationships". I'm not sure that A gets that, the slightest bit of friction and it scares her off. I don't understand her.

    Fear is such a huge and powerful force in the world

    back to work tomorrow

    last week i put a dressing on a wound (head) for the first time ever. It was bleeding pretty bad. The guy was a bit mental, must have sworn about 150 times! The paramedic lady was VERY attractive
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2019
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  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    im doing fine - watching a some porn but i know i can knock it on the head when the possibility for sex comes up. that's really my only gripe with porn nowadays - how it can get in the way of real women and real sex. For the most part i prefer real, but sometimes its seems to come with a whole load of stress and complexity (read often/usually) - which is i think is part of the attraction to porn in the first place

    generally im doing well, and im reminded again of how far ive come psychologically since i started this journal. I was an emotional, needy wreck, but no more. Self reliance, thats the thing - for me. Emotions - we'll have less of them please

    absolute knackered today at work, so i wasn't in the best of moods/ However overall it was a good day, sometimes im reminded about why i like and why i wanted to do my job, helping people. Today A woman had locked herself out of the house with the baby inside, I climbed up a ladder and dropped headfirst through a very small window. I really enjoy this and would probably make a good cat burgler with all my years of experience!

    Seeing how grateful the women was really made my day. Also we had a visit from a local school which i enjoyed. Coincidentally today marks 10 years exactly since i passed out of training school

    generally i just find myself giving less and less of a fuck, which really seems to be the way forward. Really why waste fucks on what people think, or impermanent women who come and go? (yes I ahve read Mark Mansons the subtle Art od not giving a fuck) Ive spent so much of my life feeling sad and depressed, and i just cant be bothered with it any more, not for any length of time :) L was supposed to be coming round for dinner on sat but just send me a v long textasking questions about things she has been discussing with GFs. You know what, i really dont care! LOL

    mixing the music project. its really hard and i might be taking too long but i just want to get it good as possible. this is my main focus in life right now. I hope i get faster at it with experience though. Damn!
    Thebeg likes this.
  15. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Good to read that you're doing fine cjm!
    cjm likes this.
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    doing generally well

    a little webcam viewing going on, but not much. when i know i have some possible sex coming up i abstain completely and it seems to do the trick

    L was supposed to come round last Saturday, but she had some kind of freak out and cancelled. A ended up coming over that night instead and we had a VERY sexy 12 hours or so

    She says she is busy the next few weekends, so im just going to leave it to her to reach out again like this time. I think we'll probably be seeing each other again - in the meantime i want to try and generate some other options. I did day gaming the other day and got 3 no.s. None of them went anywhere in the end, but i still consider this progress. One of the girls was absolutely stunning (they were all nice) so i feel im making progress. Im tired of online dating so for now its a no go

    Im not immune to having the odd shit day, or sometimes being in a shitty mood at work - but it doesn't last now. I bounce back and i dont let things get me down the way they used too. I have less fucks to give :)

    the track is going fairly well - i have a week to finish mixing it then on to the next one. The strings sound great! Very grateful to have my music. I dont need a woman but damn i need my music! Im really tired tonight after work but off and i cant manage my piano practise. oh well :)
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2019
  17. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    No one is immune to that. So I guess you have become a normal person;) Good to hear you are doing fine though!
    cjm likes this.
  18. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    It's good that you have some options in the female department. Definitely helps to be less dependant on a woman. That way they have no leverage over you. The more I've read on the mgtow reddit, the more it's clear that the man is the prize, as the man has to put so much effort in developing himself and getting his life together. Definitely enjoy the nice things you have in your life :)
    Londoner likes this.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks mate. TBH i dont have options at the moment though, A is half an option at best and i considering making the choice not to see her again anyway if she gets in touch, Not really happy with the situation there. Best thing to do prob just to leave it be, if she gets in touch ill decide what i want to do at the time. Last time was a lot of fun, but pretty intense -at one point i was slapping her around a bit during sex and calling her a "dirty whore" etc. She enjoyed it at the time of course but after one does tend to think perhaps it was a little extreme. I think ive finally distanced myself from her on an emotional level and im ok with just letting her go now

    L bailed which was really weird, talking about what her GFs were saying and it seems like she let them make her decisions for her. Not bothered and i told her so, if shes going to be that "stressy" after a few dates then imagine the trouble you'd get later on
    Last edited: Apr 9, 2019
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    well, been doing fine on the whole but admitley not particularly well today, I think a lot of that is that im feeling a bit under the whether like im coming down with something. When im not feeling so good physically it tends to peculate its way through to my mental state as well

    P wise i watch some, several times a week, but get the sessions short and sharp, i have no interest in spending time on Porn, just a quick "wham bamn thank you mam" session for release them in done. A also dont like watching more traditional porn anymore, just the cam girl i like where she pleasures herself. i dont spend money on it, though i have bought the occasional video of hers - the cost is so low and the purchases so infrequent that its not a problem for me. I see it more as a coping mechanism and im not too bothered, it'll see me through this dry patch ok :)

    I think now that my hosting work has dried up, there is no way for me to naturally meet women, so if its going to happen i need to make it happen, as im not interested in online dating right now that means most likely approaching in the day time, which i will do again when i feel up to it

    Today im going out in the evening for dinner, but don't feel like doing much else. Im normally happiest when im productive and busy and hitting the gym, so not doing much can be a bit of a recipe for disaster

    Started listening to hypnotherapy again, reading a new self help book - id like to get back in that positive mindset again - its much better :)

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