Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    @TheScriabin Ah shucks man, thanks :) See you soon mate

    Yes i do need to start making more effort with the women, I haven't been able to face getting myself online, of course I have the thing with A going on in the background, which is cool (the sex is very good) but also can be a source of some pain at times. Like today she informed me that she had unprotected sex on the weekend and wanted to know if i was still up for meeting up, whilst i appreciate the honesty and of course we are both totally free agents, I probably would have rather not known and must admit it stung a little, although i played it cool of course :) On the plus side, it may be a good thing as it'll distance me from her emotionally, and well, getting a text like that is hardly going to endear you or make you attracted to a person is it! lol

    It really would be a good idea for me to start getting myself some other options but i seem to be lacking a bit of drive in that department, although im still doing some approaches in the daytime, The plus side of that is i feel pretty good being single and unattached. After years and years of constant dating and chasing women, i dont feel the need to the "fill the void" anymore these last few months. That's pretty damn awesome

    Today was a good day, music, gym and I cut the hedge outside my flat

    Feeling pretty good

    Last edited: May 1, 2019
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  2. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    That's a weird thing to tell someone. Is she just testing you?
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hmmm dont think so. Probably just brutal honesty as we usually have unprotected sex and usually dont do it with other people
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Well im on about day 4 right now

    The thing with A is not a pleasant thought, but its already getting better and a positive is that its motivated me to get myself back online and chatting with women. Im definitely getting some attention, though i need to hone my texting skills, I've had a couple of very good looking women message me, but both stopped replying when i mentioned i was working at the weekend. Im considering actually just making stuff up when im talking to these kind of women online, just to get the date, and will practise different texting techniques on the app. Silly and funny or teasing may be a better way to go

    I have a date set up with one pretty nice looking girl next week, lets see how that goes

    I was at a neighbouring station today, and took part in a little mini ceremony at ST Pauls as apparently it was International firefigheters day today, actually was a fairly profound and sombre feeling standing to attention, there in silence with the bells ringing out and the leaves rustling in the wind.

    Had a good day, I actually enjoy being at other stations now, away from my boss lol and with new people. I feel like im making some progress with overall mood and people skills. As a child i was extremely shy and withdrawn and its taking a long time to learn some more extroverted skills, and to open up and vocalise, and feel like what i have to say is worth saying - but were getting there. Sometimes it seems like adulthood is about trying to repair the inevitable damage that was done to us when we are vulnerable children. In fact today I was thinking that a good way at looking at life is as a series of challenges, of goals to be overcome and in fact, perhaps thats what makes life worth living in the first place!

    I was feeling pretty unmotivated today to get in the gym but made it! Felt pumped after and trying out a new exercise i saw online, its a real burner!

    On the way home i sat next to a girl who was instantly very appealing to me, very beautiful and blonde, but in a soft understated way. She seemed to have a cool energy to her. I decided to write my number on my bookmark and hand it to her with a quick hello as i got off the tube, but chickened out at the last minute. I was really down on myself for that for about an hour, so now i know how that feels -ts not a good feeling and id like to avoid it in the future. Its like my mate says, you only regret the ones you don't try with. Furthermore, Ive always ruled out chatting up women when im in uniform, but after talking to my boss (whos actually pretty conservative) he said its fine as long as your respectful and polite, so the fact that im even considering it now is an improvement

    One thing that i really notice, now that im putting myself "back on the market" I crave it more, and notice women more, and notice couples more. However, now i've retuned to my flat, my little comfortable "fortress of solitude" lol i feel good and ready to relax and have a (very little) bit of me time before the next shift tomorrow
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  5. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    on day 8 ish

    I have felt the need for a M twice so far though just to let the pressure out so to speak

    doing my imagination exercises before sleep, and it really seems to help, as does the book

    Finished work this morning, so glad to be off now for a few days! Had agreed to go for a cycle with the guys from work in the morning, but luckily it was raining so it got cancelled. I agreed as i feel like im always saying no to the guys, but truthfully the last thing my introvert self wants to do after a night shift is hang out with a group of people, any group of people to be honest. I do think occasionally its worth doing things we dont really want to do, to keep up appearances, but for the most part i won't do this

    I had a good day game session the other day, before and after meeting my friend for an early dinner to discuss music projects and before my night shift, which he is on board for (which is very exciting). Im finding more and more that i prefer to have a something in common with my male friends, something strong - mostly music now, or women

    I followed one very attractive girl into the the chemist, approaches got her no. Did 2 more, got their no.s Ive texted 2 of them, got one date lined up and the was chatting to the super fine one for a while, but she seems to have dropped off now that it comes to arranging a date. However, the one i have a date with I had by far the best conversation with, she seems highly intelligent, interesting, and good looking. Actually she offered me her no, touched my arm as i was leaving and is refreshingly enthusiastic about meeting up

    The feeling after doing these approaches is just immense, such a natural high and sense of achievement, although i have the app "hinge" going in the background, I don't enjoy it much and im finding a familiar pattern of lots of attractive matches, few responses to messages, and even fewer dates (although I have one on Thursday). I think day time approaches is better, more fun, more challenging and more rewarding and better for self development

    I think i will be doing more and look forward to putting myself in front of some very beautiful young women lol!

    Seeing A on friday, i'm glad i didnt freak out over her having sex with someone else and feel totally ok with it now, perhaps this is "plate theory" in action, Were both very keen to meet up,and in fact i had her texting me whilst masturbating yesterday, so the chemistry is still red hot after 2 odd years

    Even though Im an introvert, social skills are important and also very satisfying and fulfilling so should be practised and expanded upon, Afterall there is a lot of truth in the saying "its not what you know its who you know"

    Onwards and upwards! Today is my only "me" day on days off as lots planned
    Last edited: May 8, 2019
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  6. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Well done mate! :cool:
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  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 10 or so

    good day, gym, music, went on a date in evening

    im really not a fan of internet dating, its more or less a blind date (even though youve seen a few pictures)

    i dont think anything much predicts what the chemistry will be like, or how you will get on with a person. funnily enough even though rationally id like to date another introvert, i often seem to have much better chemistry with more extroverted personalities

    she was a nice looking girl and had massive tits but its was just a lot of effort and felt awkward at times. afterwards i went to my favourite turkish restraunt, i know the guys in there anyway so had a chat with them

    had a really good chat with one of the trainers in the gym about all the good stuff, ie music and women lol. its good to make mates

    atm i have 2 dates next week with the women i met during daygame last week, including the super fine one who got back to me eventually, lets see how it goes, i really think talking to women in the day is the way forward, should be seeing A tomorow and she asked to to chill out at hers on sat, then seeing a colleauge of mine in an MMA fight in the late afternooon

    ive gotten into a bad habbit again of watching my laptop before bed, so today is the day when i will atttempt to revert to my previous habbit of reading a book

    can highly recommend pyscho-cybernetics- great book
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 13 or so

    had a great few days off, although perhaps slightly too busy for my liking as less time for music and gym

    had an excellent time at A's, great company, great sex and went out to a nice restaurant. It feels very couple like when we are together, a lot of tenderness, hand holding etc but of course the situation is not as straight forward as it may appear to onlookers. The last thing i said to her was that i'd leave it to her to let me know when she available to meet again, and of course I don't actually know if that will, or when it will happen. Its strange alternating between feelings so quickly but overall its been a great experience and one that i wouldn't have wanted to miss.

    However, although i do feel a temporary and somewhat familiar feeling of discomfort/confusion I absolutely will not let it bring me down or mess with my positive mood. After all it is my own interpretation of events that effects me so, I must remember that

    There are many other women out there, and I have a couple more dates lined up next week anyway. Im starting to feel more confident in my ability to get myself more options, i really feel that approaching in the day is the way forward

    Actually now that dating life seems to be picking back up again, i feel naturally that i dont want to watch P. Perhaps this is the key, to many things. Good quote from the book im reading (I paraphrase) "Where the imagination and willpower are in conflict, Imagination almost always wins"

    Yesterday i saw a friend form work in his debut MMA fight. Man that was a rough crowd, but he won against a 25 year old opponent at 42 :)

    Had a good day at work, after a good hard workout in the gym at work, i went to lift the heavier 82 kg sand bag my friend/colleague uses for training onto my shoulder and did it it for the first time. Twice! Such a great feeling. I love little challenges and overcoming them. Such a fantastic feeling . I have time for dinner and some piano practise before bed :)
    Last edited: May 12, 2019
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  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 0

    well i made it to 2 weeks +

    if im honest, the "withdrawal" from all that great sex and time spent with A on wknd is much stronger than anything i've experienced with P before and the uncertainty of the situation does mess with my mind a bit. Ill see how i feel in a week or so, perhaps then ill take some action, suggest something that I want, and see what the response is. She did give me an open invitation to go round there so I can always see if that's something i can hold her to. Afterall A girl is just another human being and should be held accountable to certain standards of behaviour that i would expect from other human beings, ie friends and family lol :)

    at the same time though, perhaps i should also try to react similarly as i would with other human beings, who i am not so attached to or intimate with :)

    in the meantime i promised myself i'd so some approaches today on the way to work, P or not so im going to stick to that and hold myself accountable here

    pretty productive morning, done my piano practise and still time to work on
    Last edited: May 14, 2019
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i'm on day 1 again

    i got myself a bit anxious yesterday and ended up watching P. Going to try harder to get back on a streak

    after a good nights sleep in my own bed i'm feeling better

    allowing myself a gentle slow start this morning then gym, piano, music, life admin

    I've gotten into a tv series, they can be quite addictive i find and luckily there are only 2 series as i dont really have the spare time to waste watching tv

    PS i kept to my word and did about 10 approaches on way to work tues night
    Last edited: May 16, 2019
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  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    today i had my first ever date from approaching women in the day

    it was really good. Turns out she was closer to my age, which to be honest is not what i usually go for nowadays, but she was really lovely, very good looking, elegant and intelligent. Spent about 8 hours together, which passed very quick. Disregarding A this is the best date ive had in over 2 years - nice drinks and dinner, kissing and affection

    also she was very open about being keen and her enjoying herself and about wanting to meet up again - which is refreshingly different

    the most astounding thing was how quickly i felt better about the A situation - instantly

    I hope to see her again :)

    I also had a piano lesson today woth my new teacher, she is so cool and such a good piano player. Just wow. Had the lesson at the local jazz club

    Lets not stop pushing for what we want guys. keep on keeping on
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  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 3, i did M today but im ok with that every few days or so atm

    very hungover today, for the first time in a while. not productive at all, couldn't get out of bed until late in the afternoon, at least i got some cleaning done, and finaly dragged myself out for a run at 9.30 in the eve

    im noticing my self discipline hasn't been as good the last couple of weeks, time spent on music and genreal enthusiasm for it has been slipping a lot, partly because ive been pursuing dating again, which can be quite time consuming, and also tends to take up a fair bit of head space for me. hopefully its just a little natural "ebb and flow" going on and ill get fired up about it all again soon. I tend to be a little obsessive and it can sometimes be hard for me to maintain strong interests in lots of things at the same time.

    having said that i have been hitting my exercise targets and eating well (although today i dint eat that much as i was too hungover)

    should have a date with S from last night next week, fingers crossed. should also have a date with N tomorrow. only problems is they live verrrry close together (as i met them on the same high street) so if it goes ahead i might try and miss the usual drinking spots to decrease the chance of bumping into S

    it went well last night. I "dropped the ball" once or twice, mostly due to being quite drunk but for the most part it seemed like a very good evening
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  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 4

    today i had my second ever date from daytime approaching

    funnily enough even though this girl was hotter and about 5 years younger "on paper" i much more enjoyed the date with S and even at times found this one a bit boring. Sometimes she was just talking, talking about herself almost to herself telling some stories that i found a bit boring. To see her from a distance i think "wow" but actually talking together for a while it doesn't seem like there is so much chemistry

    The common "scene change" thing i often do during a date didnt seem to work so well, actually the energy decreased when we got to the next place, even though i tried to keep it up

    I think part of it comes down to how much the girl is into you, and happy to express that. A girl that's into you, touching you, who's eyes light up when you talk, who you connect with intellectually - that's the real magic

    I do hope that S didn't see us

    I might send her a non committal text tomorrow or maybe ill just leave it

    I could have been practising piano instead.................

    however did a good gym session, up to 4 x 8 130 kg dead lift and went to visit my grandma
    Last edited: May 19, 2019
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  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^^I’m similar, I find balance very difficult to achieve. But I think, especially where women are concerned, you can allow yourself the freedom to enjoy getting out there and accept that your usual routine/interests might be put on the back burner for a while. That is when life is most beautiful after all, when we create new experiences that mess with our every day lives. I’ve been pondering the idea recently that all habits are bad, even good ones! So anything that feels different is good. I noticed my cold shower/fitness/breathing routine was making my daily existence a bit repetitive and tedious. It’s just a thing I do, and I like it, but it isn’t exactly going with the flow of life, it’s just another itch to scratch each day. Going with the flow is a more difficult art for me to master, but it sounds as though you are doing ok. Well done mate for getting out there and making some waves. :cool:
    Last edited: May 20, 2019
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  15. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    @TheScriabin thanks for the words of wisdom and encouragement

    Day 7

    Good day working on music, the new track is coming together.... Slowly :)

    I did an approaching session on the way to work - my first one seemed to go pretty well and i got her no. Never know if she'll reply or not.

    Im looking forward to seeing S on the weekend - atm things look positive as she is making herself available and initiating contact. I like her, but you never know what might happen

    N is away, as i wasnt so confident if she would want a second date, i left it that she should send me a hello on her return if she'd like to go out again :)

    Im on nights and i want to squeeze in a 5k row before resting time. Hopefully it'll be not too busy
    Living likes this.
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 9

    feeling good

    as mentioned before, I don't want to watch porn atm because im excited about real women, so thats probably the key - for me. And when i do feel like watching it in the future, I wont have a problem with that

    I've nearly finished the book psycho cybernetics, its really good (although not an easy read)

    Training has been really good the last few weeks, I think its the weather - I feel so much more energised generally when the whether is good. In fact out of the last 8 days (my working week) I trained 6 of them

    I've been doing some "off the cuff" approaches - I did one this morning, after nights in my shorts and not looking great - it didnt go well but the worst you get it is "sorry I have a BF" and I really like it as its no games, no BS you're just being direct with the girl, saying to them "i like how you look and i want to talk to you"! I got a reply from the nice looking girl the other day, lets see if we can set up a date

    I've been involved with just one woman (A) for so long now, who has had the upper hand, who has held herself back, and for whatever reason hasn't wanted things to progress further. To use somewhat cliched metaphor, i've been a little bit like a dog waiting around for the occasional scraps thrown my way. Im trying to change my mindset, as thats a pretty shitty place to be and it doesn't make sense when the world is full of beautiful and interesting women

    Seeing S on sunday which im really looking forward to. Meeting my friend of Monday for final mixdown of our first track

    Im grateful for how far i've come emotionally since i started this journal. I read back on the early entries and i dont even feel sympathy for myself, I just want to say "man up dude"

    I continue to by inspired by people around me, and I hope that i may in turn also inspire others, even in a small way. That's what makes people so great :)
    Thelongwayhome27 and Living like this.
  17. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 12

    I did have a no fantasy M today, after about a week of no O i really felt the need to let out the pressure and im ok with that, It actually felt like such a huge relief

    date with S went well, she came back to mine but wouldn't stay over as it was only date 2, and I think she is a bit traditional, but thats ok had some nice affection on the sofa anyway, and date 3 lined up for next week

    I guess every "relationship" with each different woman is unique, and after you get used to one, others seem different and can seem disappointing in some ways, but I think its important to remember to look st both sides. For example with S it seems like we have a great connection intellectually and can talk for ages. Hopefully we will have sex soon! Also imortant to remember, for me, that it usually takes a while to have the best sex with a person :)

    I've deleted A's number, if we are going to meet up again its on her now, but as time goes on since i saw her last i feel better, very similar to how i imagine a crack addict might feel experiencing withdrawals. So lets be honest, its not a healthy situation :)

    my friend came round, we didn't get the track mixed. Its so hard, especially as im not used to live bass. This track has been going on for over a year now and still not finished! wow
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  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Im on day 1 today, i had a short P session on the webcams and although i didn't MO, i went off and MOd after so resetting my day count

    Now im doing, and have been doing pretty well and feeling good - however its time for some uncomfortable truths

    Although i wouldn't say im addicted to P at all, there is one cam girl that im totally addicted too. She has been offline for a couple of months which has obviously made it easier not too watch her

    On closer examination, the reason i like her so much is that she reminds me a lot of A, both physically and in her kinky attitude

    Also, i am pretty addicted to sex with A, even though i realize it's now an unhealthy situation for me psychologically - verging on destructive. It went from red hot a couple of weeks ago to stone cold almost overnight, and at times i feel compulsively compelled to contact her even though she made it clear she is not available for some time.

    Its the classic situation of being attracted to the unavailable. Even not speaking for 6 months didn't seem to resolve things for me...

    All i can do is leave her alone and focus on building my life and meeting new women, hopefully i will find one/some where we have incredible chemistry like i did with A, but a healthier dynamic between the 2 of us

    I think it'll be difficult for me to stay away from the cams, but i must try as i don't want to ruin my chances with the REAL women!
    Last edited: May 30, 2019
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 2

    i found myself very tired today, so just had to relax and nap before my night shift this evening, no energy for productive things, which is a shame, but there we go

    I think its good that i have admitted to, and written down the things i talked about above. Today i blocked my desktop from my usual sites, of course I can get round it, but it will stop me form making any compulsive quick decisions - which is good. I do know that my usual cam girl is back online, so it will be something of a challenge for me to stay away. I think I have a better chance now that i've admitted to the above to myself

    Since i saw A 2 and a half weeks ago, ive been experiencing some itchiness down there, which may be nothing or something minor, but of course it is something of a concern so I will get myself tested next week

    On a positive, yesterday i found out that ill br moving stations, after 10 years at the same place! A new start, new team, new managment, new area. So much has happend over the last 10 years, and I hope the next chapter of my life will be a positive one

    Meanwhile the dates keep rolling in, which is a good thing :)
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    day 3

    this morning i had a really solid MW, which is reassuring

    interestingly this demonstrates that any ED is purely psychological (as I already know in my case due to a Doppler test a couple of years back)

    had a few hours sleep at work last night, and glad to see that i feel less tired and better mentally today, so after a short nap today i hope to be more productive then yesterday

    If in honest with myself i still have some thoughts of A wizzing around my brain, but I know in time they will fade, or be replaced :) I will try not to fall in Love/get addicted to the sex of a woman who is not fully "available" again lol

    date with S on sat, with S2 on Sunday with L on Tuesday

    S does text me a lot, which TBH i kind of like. Perhaps my "attachment style" favours regular contact with a person. I do find it reassuring

    interestingly when i tried to picture mental images of my goals last night i couldn't - either i was tired or there is some mental block.

    hope everyone is well

    Last edited: May 31, 2019
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