Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    You can keep watching porn. Just know its an escape and you wont grow or pursue your dreams in life if you do. Sometimes mediocrity is all we will ever experience.
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Just a question, you used to M without P while seeing A. Could that be a possible midground for now?
    cjm likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Active Member

    This exactly. I would even take things a step further: I have seen other guys on this board using the fact that they still struggle with porn as an excuse to not deal with the problems they have in their lives. Perhaps not intentionally, but if you believe that 'you wont grow or pursue your dreams in life if you [still watch porn]', then why would you even try? And it's exactly that self-defeating believe that keeps a lot of guys from trying to grow and pursue their dreams. But growth and the pursual of dreams comes from making steps in the right direction, no matter how small. It comes from knowing your core values and trying to life along those values. Giving up porn is not the ultimate key to happiness we try to make ourselves believe.
    cjm likes this.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    yes, of course that is possible

    atm im choosing to watch cams whenever i like, but i imagine when i start to have opportunities with women again that ill choose to stop this.
  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    I wanted to like the post you deleted, but you deleted it:) Anyway, I believe that this forum can be helpful at the right times, but sometimes you also need to step away from the forum and just live your life. Good luck!
    cjm likes this.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks @Living

    i dont want to come across as being preachy or whatever so ill try and keep those sort of thoughts relating to P to myself

    I have been doing very well generally, of course I have times or even days when i get a little down or sad, but they are in the minority and i seem to be able to pick myself up well and pretty quickly, and get back into the positive mindset again

    On the rare occasion that i do seem to get down its invariably to do with women. Now i'm taking ownership of this, and i'm not being the victim here - but most if not all of my interactions, in a potentially romantic or sexual sense, with women recently have left me feeling confused and generally shitty. As i said im taking ownership, ive felt shitty because of my interpretation, my coping mechanisms, my expectations, my understanding.

    I have been adopting an approach of not going out my way to look for opportunities, but take any that come my way, but am considering taking a more hard line approach, for a little while. I have been doing well, in my own space, with my music and male friends and colleagues, and i dont want or need anything to mess with my focus or peace of mind. Thats how i seem to react to these situations, time and time again. Life is too short to be immobilised by crappy feelings, so a short break, a complete break, may be a good idea for me

    As ive said previously, I would happily take a complete break from my sexuality and this ridiculous cosmic joke of wanting of female validation, affection, love etc for a while - just to recharge my batteries and recover a more positive outlook towards women, sex and relationships in general. However, it is difficult to avoid completely, especially in my line of (part time) work. Perhaps a break from that would be good too
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2018
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    over the last few days i have felt my new good mood and mindset start to dissipate a little

    i hope its only temporary, ive really enjoyed being a positive, strong minded person. ive really began to see the importance of positive self talk, and apllying logic and reason to the self defeating web of distorted thoughts that usually cause depression - currently im struggling a little with grappling with them, but i have confidence that i will do so again. I suppose making fundamental changes and unlearning lifelong bad habbits of negative thinking is not necessarily easily, Rome wasn't built in a day!

    some thoughts of A started to emerge, although i have done very well in not thinking about her, hardly at all, in the 2 months or so since i last saw her. I guess its ok to feel a little sad about something that didn't work out (we were together/seeing each other for over a year in total overall) but one must put a strict time limit on such thinking

    she is somewhat confused and seemingly quite fickle in a way, so im better of without that kind of person in my life in the long run. all her details deleted and removed from facebook some time ago now.

    my productivity hasn't been as good the last few days, ive been a but under the weather with a cold, which never helps :) Today i have been very tired so not much got done. work has been very busy, oh my the nights have been crazy man!

    in terms of women, ive decided to take a proper break, informed my boss that id like to take a break from hosting for a while. I just want to remove myself completely from the world of women and dating for a little bit. Honestly, i currently feel pretty disillusioned and a little cynical about women in general. Im tired of the whole deal and need a break to recover a more positive attitude. I totally believe that i hve the potential to be quite successful with the ladies, as i have been in the past, but i need to work on a couple of things, and im looking to build the foundations of my self esteem, and my life on solid ground - nothing to do with relationships or women. Really, this is progress - compared to how i was just a couple of years ago, its a huge paradigm shift for me and that is a positive thing

    new housemate, hes a 50 year old divorcee - different from what im used too - seems like a nice fella but it takes a while to adjust and sometimes id prefer to live on my own, however i really appreciate the extra money (in fact i'd find it hard to survice and definitely wouldn't be able to save) without it

    anyway, moving forward ive noticed that daily reading of my CBT book and daily hypnotherapy sessions really help, when i let them slip my mood sometimes starts to go down, so i must commit to these good daily habits

    Porn isn't really even worth mentioning in my eyes. Im averaging about 20 mins of free cams per day. I literally do not care

    over and out. early night. may squeeze in some piano before bed
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    defintley felt my positive mood start to return today. I shouldn't need a reason to feel, pretty damn good

    the book "feeling good" is becoming a little bit like a bible to me lol

    on my days off i had been reflecting on things, during which what one might call i minor depressive relapse, and came to the conclusion that although blocking out the negative thoughts had worked very well, there was still some residue, some kind of deep seated self beliefs that needed to be addressed. Coincidentally as i got to chapter 4, he described what i felt like was my experience and position, and called these self beliefs something like "silient assumptions" How crazy is that?

    i still have some pretty deep seated assumptions about my value, my eligibility to be loved, trust (romantically) and its still not too difficult (as i have found over the last few days) for ne to slip back into that all too familiar world of emotional desolation and grey cynicism and numbness. My last therapist said this had something to do with my childhood - there may be some truth in that

    it takes a bit of self discipline to get through the book, but its well worth it

    so i feel like im moving forward, and i want to do it without any romance/dating for now as i think its too dangerous for me right now. Its stopped being fun and i need to get out of the firing line for a while, time will tell how long but i want it to be long enough. My boss agreed to give me a few weeks off hosting, its a bit of a risk as they might find someone to replace me in that time, but i could deal with it if i lost the work now, whereas before i felt i needed it, as its the place i meet women, and do so with something of an elevated social status too - which can help

    man i never thought id say im actively avoiding dating! when im ready ill jump back in, but its good to know i can be complete, content and happy without any of those pain in the ass women around lol (half joking/half serious)

    porn wise, my attitude is something similar to bad food - a little bit in moderation is fine for me, whereas an overall ban and making too big a deal doesnt really work for me, and can lead to big binges

    still got a bot of a cold so energy not at full levels - i did cycle home and did nearly an hour piano practise after work, it was hard work as feeling tired

    new house mate seems like a nice guy, its a bit strange for both of us - im sure neither of us imagined a life situation like this, me going home to a big lump of a 50 year old divorced cab driver lmao!
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
    Londoner and TheScriabin like this.
  9. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Active Member

    Glad you are feeling a bit better mate, remember it’s completely normal the waves of life take us up and down, CBT or not, your emotions will just do their thing, but that doesn’t take away the progress, wisdom and insights you make along the way.

    I think you’ve been doing incredibly well, it is not easy choosing this journey of being alone and forgetting about women for a while, but I think it’s courageous and you’ll be in a better place to handle a relationship when it next comes along anyway. You come first in your life, always!!!
    cjm likes this.
  10. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Before I met the woman who I later married I also had a few months where I took a break from women altogether. I believe it's a valuable and even necessary phase for most men, so we can learn to be comfortable on our own without being dependent on sex with a women or affection from a woman.

    Then we are usually (and ironically) better equipped for a possible relationship and its challenges, probably because we prioritize our needs and don't take shit anymore from women that use our desires to play games or manipulate or take advantage of us and we screen out unstable women
    cjm likes this.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    still doing well!

    psychologically i feel the best, and most healthy iv'e felt for a while

    this "checking out" of the world of women and dating seems to be doing me good, so i challenge the notion that you need a woman, or relationships, or even sex to be happy

    This is a new way of thinking for me, but ive pout so much time and energy into women over the last few years, its time to invest that energy elsewhere. I'd like to achieve something more tangible

    i feel like there is a little emotional residue left over from A (or poison Lmao), but its nearly worked its way out of my system, i will be careful in the future about becoming too attached to another woman

    So very grateful for my music project, its infinitely challenging and so cool to have different things to work on, now i'm amending the string arrangement - i just have to have confidence in my decisions

    so bloody cool!

    i did a test in the book "feeling good" which was very interesting and will talk about the results another time

    great to have time off my part time work, now i can concentrate on me, maintaining the flat, and music

    going to Australia in jan to visit brother
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
    Thebeg likes this.

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