Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks @Living

    i dont want to come across as being preachy or whatever so ill try and keep those sort of thoughts relating to P to myself

    I have been doing very well generally, of course I have times or even days when i get a little down or sad, but they are in the minority and i seem to be able to pick myself up well and pretty quickly, and get back into the positive mindset again

    On the rare occasion that i do seem to get down its invariably to do with women. Now i'm taking ownership of this, and i'm not being the victim here - but most if not all of my interactions, in a potentially romantic or sexual sense, with women recently have left me feeling confused and generally shitty. As i said im taking ownership, ive felt shitty because of my interpretation, my coping mechanisms, my expectations, my understanding.

    I have been adopting an approach of not going out my way to look for opportunities, but take any that come my way, but am considering taking a more hard line approach, for a little while. I have been doing well, in my own space, with my music and male friends and colleagues, and i dont want or need anything to mess with my focus or peace of mind. Thats how i seem to react to these situations, time and time again. Life is too short to be immobilised by crappy feelings, so a short break, a complete break, may be a good idea for me

    As ive said previously, I would happily take a complete break from my sexuality and this ridiculous cosmic joke of wanting of female validation, affection, love etc for a while - just to recharge my batteries and recover a more positive outlook towards women, sex and relationships in general. However, it is difficult to avoid completely, especially in my line of (part time) work. Perhaps a break from that would be good too
    Last edited: Nov 2, 2018
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    over the last few days i have felt my new good mood and mindset start to dissipate a little

    i hope its only temporary, ive really enjoyed being a positive, strong minded person. ive really began to see the importance of positive self talk, and apllying logic and reason to the self defeating web of distorted thoughts that usually cause depression - currently im struggling a little with grappling with them, but i have confidence that i will do so again. I suppose making fundamental changes and unlearning lifelong bad habbits of negative thinking is not necessarily easily, Rome wasn't built in a day!

    some thoughts of A started to emerge, although i have done very well in not thinking about her, hardly at all, in the 2 months or so since i last saw her. I guess its ok to feel a little sad about something that didn't work out (we were together/seeing each other for over a year in total overall) but one must put a strict time limit on such thinking

    she is somewhat confused and seemingly quite fickle in a way, so im better of without that kind of person in my life in the long run. all her details deleted and removed from facebook some time ago now.

    my productivity hasn't been as good the last few days, ive been a but under the weather with a cold, which never helps :) Today i have been very tired so not much got done. work has been very busy, oh my the nights have been crazy man!

    in terms of women, ive decided to take a proper break, informed my boss that id like to take a break from hosting for a while. I just want to remove myself completely from the world of women and dating for a little bit. Honestly, i currently feel pretty disillusioned and a little cynical about women in general. Im tired of the whole deal and need a break to recover a more positive attitude. I totally believe that i hve the potential to be quite successful with the ladies, as i have been in the past, but i need to work on a couple of things, and im looking to build the foundations of my self esteem, and my life on solid ground - nothing to do with relationships or women. Really, this is progress - compared to how i was just a couple of years ago, its a huge paradigm shift for me and that is a positive thing

    new housemate, hes a 50 year old divorcee - different from what im used too - seems like a nice fella but it takes a while to adjust and sometimes id prefer to live on my own, however i really appreciate the extra money (in fact i'd find it hard to survice and definitely wouldn't be able to save) without it

    anyway, moving forward ive noticed that daily reading of my CBT book and daily hypnotherapy sessions really help, when i let them slip my mood sometimes starts to go down, so i must commit to these good daily habits

    Porn isn't really even worth mentioning in my eyes. Im averaging about 20 mins of free cams per day. I literally do not care

    over and out. early night. may squeeze in some piano before bed
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    defintley felt my positive mood start to return today. I shouldn't need a reason to feel, pretty damn good

    the book "feeling good" is becoming a little bit like a bible to me lol

    on my days off i had been reflecting on things, during which what one might call i minor depressive relapse, and came to the conclusion that although blocking out the negative thoughts had worked very well, there was still some residue, some kind of deep seated self beliefs that needed to be addressed. Coincidentally as i got to chapter 4, he described what i felt like was my experience and position, and called these self beliefs something like "silient assumptions" How crazy is that?

    i still have some pretty deep seated assumptions about my value, my eligibility to be loved, trust (romantically) and its still not too difficult (as i have found over the last few days) for ne to slip back into that all too familiar world of emotional desolation and grey cynicism and numbness. My last therapist said this had something to do with my childhood - there may be some truth in that

    it takes a bit of self discipline to get through the book, but its well worth it

    so i feel like im moving forward, and i want to do it without any romance/dating for now as i think its too dangerous for me right now. Its stopped being fun and i need to get out of the firing line for a while, time will tell how long but i want it to be long enough. My boss agreed to give me a few weeks off hosting, its a bit of a risk as they might find someone to replace me in that time, but i could deal with it if i lost the work now, whereas before i felt i needed it, as its the place i meet women, and do so with something of an elevated social status too - which can help

    man i never thought id say im actively avoiding dating! when im ready ill jump back in, but its good to know i can be complete, content and happy without any of those pain in the ass women around lol (half joking/half serious)

    porn wise, my attitude is something similar to bad food - a little bit in moderation is fine for me, whereas an overall ban and making too big a deal doesnt really work for me, and can lead to big binges

    still got a bot of a cold so energy not at full levels - i did cycle home and did nearly an hour piano practise after work, it was hard work as feeling tired

    new house mate seems like a nice guy, its a bit strange for both of us - im sure neither of us imagined a life situation like this, me going home to a big lump of a 50 year old divorced cab driver lmao!
    Last edited: Nov 9, 2018
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  4. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Glad you are feeling a bit better mate, remember it’s completely normal the waves of life take us up and down, CBT or not, your emotions will just do their thing, but that doesn’t take away the progress, wisdom and insights you make along the way.

    I think you’ve been doing incredibly well, it is not easy choosing this journey of being alone and forgetting about women for a while, but I think it’s courageous and you’ll be in a better place to handle a relationship when it next comes along anyway. You come first in your life, always!!!
    cjm likes this.
  5. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Before I met the woman who I later married I also had a few months where I took a break from women altogether. I believe it's a valuable and even necessary phase for most men, so we can learn to be comfortable on our own without being dependent on sex with a women or affection from a woman.

    Then we are usually (and ironically) better equipped for a possible relationship and its challenges, probably because we prioritize our needs and don't take shit anymore from women that use our desires to play games or manipulate or take advantage of us and we screen out unstable women
    cjm likes this.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    still doing well!

    psychologically i feel the best, and most healthy iv'e felt for a while

    this "checking out" of the world of women and dating seems to be doing me good, so i challenge the notion that you need a woman, or relationships, or even sex to be happy

    This is a new way of thinking for me, but ive pout so much time and energy into women over the last few years, its time to invest that energy elsewhere. I'd like to achieve something more tangible

    i feel like there is a little emotional residue left over from A (or poison Lmao), but its nearly worked its way out of my system, i will be careful in the future about becoming too attached to another woman

    So very grateful for my music project, its infinitely challenging and so cool to have different things to work on, now i'm amending the string arrangement - i just have to have confidence in my decisions

    so bloody cool!

    i did a test in the book "feeling good" which was very interesting and will talk about the results another time

    great to have time off my part time work, now i can concentrate on me, maintaining the flat, and music

    going to Australia in jan to visit brother
    Last edited: Nov 16, 2018
    Thebeg likes this.
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hello chaps!

    hope everyone is well

    as mentioned before, i will be posting less here, for now - as i suppose my core values and beliefs may not be entirely in line with those of this forum anymore :) Basicsally, I do watch porn now, and I MO most days, once. Usually i spend 10 minutes or so, wham, bang, then its done and i can get on with my life

    By allowing myself to do so whenever i want it seems to have taken the compulsion away, now i feel like "Porn? Whatever"

    just stopped by to say i doing well, and i hope everyone else is too

    Im scared to put it in writing as i feel like its tempting fate, but i feel good, really quite good - most of the time. I don't feel depressed anymore and the low mood just seems to come for very short bursts now usually when im tired or hungry lol

    actually what seems to have really helped for me, is

    A) taking a break from women and being happy being single. This i biggie. I really didn't realise how dependent on women/dating/relationships i had become. Its great to know i can feel happy within myself, without a woman. TBH i feel a bit negative about women and relationships and have a bit of "fuck that shit I don't need it or want it" attitude right now but hopefully that will dissipate in time. I'm in no rush to jump back in anytime soon. Right now, the further i get away from that world, and the more time is put between me and any contact with A, the better i feel.

    B) the book feeling good and taking an approach to life that i have much more control over my thoughts, adn therefore my feelings then i previously thought

    C)Hypnotherapy recordings. Ive actually stopped doing these now, i don't feel the need anymore - but for a while i was using them daily, then every 2 days

    generally im keeping myself busy with music, training and work. Im seeing friends just at the frequency i like - and tend to go out for dinner now rather than drinking - i feel no urge to go to bars or pubs and haven't had a drink for about 1 - 2 months. I hate to tempt fate, but i almost seem to have finally found some peace and acceptance within myself, at the age of 35

    my music computer died, so very busy first of all trying to fix it, then researching a new one. arrived today so im busy setting everything up - its a whole days work. i9 processor baby!

    im sure ill be dropping by from time to time, or if P gets out of hand, or if i cant stop or have problems when i eventually end up having sex again

    sending good vibes and love to everyone

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  8. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Was wondering how you were doing mate, glad to hear you're doing alright.

    Maybe you'll switch things up again when you decide there's room for a woman in your life. Most important is that you feel happy.
    cjm likes this.
  9. dig deep

    dig deep must stop wasting my life on porn

    I think having a MO often is ok but I would cut out any porn. The real harm to your brain,dick and life is the hours and hours of edging, creating so much dopamine for long periods is unnatural and where the damage is done but having just MO is more real and a good release for us single men.
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    i don't do hours of edging, a 10 min quickie is what i do :)

    anyway im not here to defend porn - but i dont see a bit of Porn as such a big deal anymore, which is why i'm moving away from the forum for now

    anyway thanks for the replies chaps

    Ciao for now ! :)
  11. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    If porn is not a problem for you, it's not a problem. Period. This habit is very personal and complicated and depends on many circumstances whether it becomes problematic or not. Still looking forward to see your updates here!
  12. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    I think you figured it out. You say you only do 10 minutes and that's it. I think if I did porn once a month at 10 min. A pop, I would probably be much much better as well. I know that's a slippery slope for me though, where 10 min. Can easily turn into 8-12 hours, and that's where my anxiety begins and my brain chemistry gets fucked up from all the adrenaline and depleted serotonin/dopamine. Congrats on finding that balance.
    cjm likes this.
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hi guys

    Well im here for some accountability for getting off the porn again. I dont have a problem with porn in any moral sense - its a practical matter - as i start to feel less bitter about women in general, and start to think ahead again to possible relationships, start to hope again - i know i have a better chance of performing well and having good motivation without porn - or at least with less of it

    I haven't seen A for about 5 month's now. Even though i still think about her pretty much every day - its time to move on

    Currently away in Australia. Its a beautiful country - being away from my normal routine comes with its own challenges. Not having my music to focus on, or work (to a lesser extent) gives me a lot more time to think, and the potential to spiral back into depressive thoughts is very real

    Also my mental focus has gotten worse and I've put on some belly fat - even though I've kept my training routine going well

    There are a lot if scantily clad and beautiful women around the place - I've had a few nice chats but nothing more - its got me thinking i want to get back in the game again

    One thing ive really realized - my "inner voice" or intuition is totally off when it comes to women. I often make bad decisions or make the wrong choice. Im considering doing the opposite of what my inner voice tells me - especially the reserved one that often says to me "no don't bother"

    Day 1
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  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Day 2

    Australia continues to be beautiful

  15. Londoner

    Londoner Well-Known Member

    It's my last day in Australia - currently waiting for it to stop raining in Sydney!
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hey man. How was it? Im a couple if hours south from sydney atm. Shame we missed each other
  17. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Day 4

    I actually had a brilliant wank without fantasy yesterday - most satisfying lol

    I really think its time to stop fantasizing about A when i M - at this stage that isn't psychologically healthy so i going to include that and P in my count. - everything else is permitted

    I just have to hope i meet another kinky woman in the future and can experience sex that good and comfortable again

    Very nice being away, a pity im going home day after tomorow - but i feel pretty motivated to get on with things and start improving myself and music further

    Currently i really want to get back in "the game" again when i get home. I've been thinking about fear, which plays quite a big part when it comes to approaching women (especially in the day), amongst other things
  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Day 5. Beautiful nature here
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  19. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Hey mate, just logged on to see if any updates from you. Glad to hear you’ve been enjoying your holiday and appreciating the beautiful things in life.

    You’re so open and natural at chatting to people, as I’ve observed when I’ve been out with you. Just apply the same thing when chatting to women. They are missing out on you!
    cjm likes this.
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ah thanks mate, thats a really nice compliment!

    hope things are going well with your beautiful young GF :)

    hows things generally?

    i was going to text you about the strings, so hopefully we can have a crack at that soon :)

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