Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    Ha! So many similar things in what you write with the music and not wanting women right now. You have been an inspiration and rock for me recently.
    cjm likes this.
  2. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    lol, well if i can be of any help im always glad for that. TBH, its not that i dont want a woman, its just that i'm making peace with myself, and recognising that I don't need a woman, nobody does - that's really a lie we tell ourselves, and get told by society - in my opinion.

    Im sure one will be along at some point anyway :)

    You are a professional musician right? Have you got any clips of you playing piano? Would be really cool to hear!
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Im on day 3 now and still doing well generally.

    It'll take a while of continued daily use of hypnotherapy and applying my new CBT type take on things to really verify things, but for now it seems like i'm really on a positive path. Negative self talk, be gone with you! Ones self esteem should not be so reliant on external occurrences, or rely too much on other people, especially not one partner in a fragile, early "relationship" We are adults, and we shouldn't need to be mothered. We should look after ourselves, and well.

    A few negative thoughts did try to squirm there way in today, but i pushed them away. Went to the gym, spent time with my family then a couple hours for music in the evening. One thing I would like to improve on still is level of productivity in the morning, although im getting up earlier when im off, its still taking a bit too long to get going

    I wasn't as communicative as I would have liked, sometimes I get a little overwhelmed and tired by long social occasions, but that is just the introvert in me, and that is ok :) I will see my family again tomorrow as my brother is visiting.

    I did watch cams a few days ago, for about 20 minutes. I noticed that I didn't feel so good afterwards, and also I felt a bit sad - for the first time, looking at the woman. She seems like a nice girl, how did her life come to this? If there is someone who is really a sex addict, it might be these girls

    - Lets see how we do :)
    Last edited: Sep 30, 2018
  4. Deleted User

    Deleted User Guest

    Hey @cjm, I just want to thank you for sharing the hypnotherapy again. It's quite helpful and I've been listening to it every night.
    cjm likes this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I still have to figure this out though:) Will let you know once I have an idea!
    cjm likes this.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hey man, you are welcome. Im just about to PM you with some more ive uploaded.

  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    im on around day 3 or 4, i haven't totally been off the cams. But much more importantly, ive been monitoring my mood closely these last few weeks,and ive been doing very well and feeling quite positive on the whole Could it be that ive found a way to tackle this depression after all these years?

    Of course ive had some moments of sadness, but that is normal. Depression and anxiety, are not.

    If i can feel this good, in the morning, after a night shift where i've been up all night and only slept for one hour, without any women in my life, then things are looking up in a big way

    "stop moping, and start coping"

    really, ive been trying to think a lot less, especially the negative self talk, absorbing CBT philosophy and doing regular hypnotherapy sessions.

    I can see now how i've tried to "fill the void" with women, sex, porn when really there is no void at all. I have desperately craved female attention for validation, I have wanted to carry the presence of a loved one with me at all times, When feelings of love have arisen within me, I have attributed them to a woman, but never myself. Why do so many of us find it so easy to love another (and often one so undeserving) yet so hard to love and care for ourselves?

    If you think about this, its just lunacy and its good to challenge my belief systems, or paradigms. They are outdated and distorted views of reality, many of which date back from a somewhat dysfunctional childhood and adolescence. I think we are all really just looking for a belief system that works for us and provides positive results, not everyone will agree - and that's fine. Some things are not black and white.

    Am I an addict? I don't think so. Labelling oneself as an addict may be an example of whats known as "all or nothing, or black and white" thinking. Do I have some addictive tendencies, am i addicted to anything? Perhaps yes but this does not make me an addict. Many people have some traits like this, but also many positive traits. When i think of an addict, I think of someone like the people who live in sheltered accommodation for alcoholics I see at work, people who cant function in society, people who slowly drink themselves to death. With the label "addict" is also some degree of a victim mentality, and also a sense of diminished personal responsibility, a feeling of writing oneself off, of finality.

    "Only you can successfully persecute yourself or put yourself down with your own thoughts"

    Music is going well, training, diet etc. Now i have a busy few days off with 2 shifts hosting, and a night out with some friends and my brother, but still time for my chores, music and training as long as i get up early

    ive had a lot of success with writing down my plan for the day. Even if im out by 10 mins, or an hour in some cases. It doesn't matter

    even i am slightly sceptical that it could be this easy to turn things around, so let us see how we go but things looking good!!!
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2018
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^I love this, sounds as though you're really learning to love yourself, and you are being your own therapist, that is key. :)
    cjm likes this.
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ive still been doing well, PMO'd 3 times since my last entry, so an average of once every 2/3 days for no longer than 20 mins each

    honestly, I don't care about that anymore -so perhaps this isn't the right place for me to journal anymore, but then this journal became so much more than just a PMO journal for me, and also for others

    There are more important things in life. If porn is the symptom for some as it was for me, a way to fill the void, a way to FAP away negative emotions - then clearly to me -all those things are much more an issue than the Porn itself. So IMO tackle to problems, not the symptoms

    I can see now that most things aren't black and white, good or bad in such a clearly defined way as I thought previously, and the same goes for Porn IMO.

    Its been about a month now of feeling good, and i'm learning not to tie my self esteem in with things like i used to. So im single and not currently having sex? So what ill meet another girl at some point. I feel like next time round i should be in a much stronger position and i feel that i wont put up with any BS

    So my music isn't the world class music that i want it to be (yet)? So what im working really hard at it, and giving my all. With this approach there is a good chance of reaching that level in 5 - 10 years. Maybe less

    Its all about applying logic and reason to these idiotic and irrational thoughts and conditioning that have created my depression, and learning to love and respect myself

    Currently, I'm very content being single and its actually very refreshing to not feel like i need a woman, for anything. I realised that ive dated a lot of very outgoing, extrovert ladies over the last few years and next time id like to meet someone a bit different, who has other interests apart from their social calendar

    I can see now the absurdity of wanting someone who doesn't want you.

    If anybody wants a link to hypnotherapy files that im using, ive uploaded quite a few for friends and acquaintances, please PM me
    Last edited: Oct 11, 2018
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    still doing well

    just come off nights, mood still good. The biggest difference ive noticed over the last 6 weeks or so, and this journal is good because it can help me track that, is the absence of the constant or near contant low level emotional pain/depression

    I can see now that this has been caused by me, and my own thoughts. After all our minds are the bridge between external reality, and our internal reality and emotions.

    and no, i don't believe the answer for me is to stop watching porn or masturbating

    the idea that by controlling this one small part of our lives, everything else is going to fall into place seems kind of ludicrous to me now to be honest, i no longer believe that porn or masturbation are fundamentally, universally bad. For that reason I do have my doubts about continuing to journal here, i'm not sure.

    porn wise, i just had a 4 day period without watching any, then watched some cams yesterday. For now I give myself permission to watch cams, or M, whenever i choose too. Choose being the operative word. As im not in any kind of sexual relationship now, in my opinion the negative effects are negligible. There may even be positives

    Things that are currently working for me:

    moving away from the "victim" mentality. This can be kind of comforting, I think it elicits a sympathetic or empathetic response from people on the whole, or makes us feel that we are entitled to that at least, and absolves us of some personal responsibility. We all have our struggles, and most of us have experienced some kind of pretty severe trauma in life. The idea is that one shouldn't feel shitty all the time, or even most of the time just because of that.

    more positive language, externally, and more importantly, internally. Realising how negative my internal dialogue has been was a real shock to me. I no longer beat myself up mentally! You get more out of yourself with kindness, and without coercion, just as you generally do with others!

    Hypnotherapy recordings. For me, it works, fact. Considering meeting an actual practitioner.

    Approach to relationships and women in general. I feel like ive swallowed the red pill, for real. Ive been in relationships of a kind, or pursuing one for the last 10 years. Why do so many of us feel so defined by our coupling/relationships? Why does that validation from that "special" someone who we choose matter so much?

    I know women and sex, relationships can be a wonderful thing but it also has come with a whole load of stress, drama, obligation.

    Having said that, I am open to genuine oppertuniteis that come along (had a "near miss" the other night with a very nice looking girl) But i will not allow my self esteem to be tied into this bullshit any longer! That is the crux of it. For real. Of course I still desire women just as much as before, but im not going to channel so much energy into it, or chase after women that are not obviously interested anymore! And that, is the reality of the situation. A majority of women aren't interested in me, and that's fine. Ill just take the ones who are.

    Being proactive, making use of my time. If there is a cure for this low level depression of mine, its been this. Im working hard at my music, and regardless of outcome, just the act of working hard towards something that you love is very rewarding

    Goes without saying, eating well (mostly) and staying in shape. They are the cornerstones of what we do for ourselves to keep the machine ticking over nicely

    Separating self esteem from things that happen to us, or things we do (for example slipping up or making a mistake)

    Male friends. There are a lot of very cool and interesting guys out there, I tend to find it easier to connect on an intellectual level, and bond with guys. Male friends are so important and of course things are generally simpler, especially as you dont want to have sex with them lol!

    I am the most important person in my life, and unless I have a child (which i dont currently want - maybe I will never want that or be in the position to have it), that will never change.

    I really hope I can continue feeling good, but for now I feel like im on the path to absolutely cracking it

    I cancelled my therapy seesion. I have been on the waiting list for survors UK, a place came up. However, although they are a charity, they still charge quite high fees and from what I understand offer traditional talking therapy, which ive done enough of already

    I don't think dragging up the past, again, is going to help much and now i dont need it. I can look after myself. "stop moping and start coping"

    hope everyone is well :)
    Last edited: Oct 20, 2018
    Living, Thebeg, TheScriabin and 2 others like this.
  11. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Great to hear you're doing well cjm. Please keep on posting if you like, I feel this board is about improving our lives and getting a grip on our vices and if you've found a way I'd love to hear about it!
    Thebeg and TheScriabin like this.
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks mate i appreciate that ! i wasnt sure if i'd still be welcome here being that i am using porn fairly frequently atm, and not worried about it either :)

    i do appreciate this place, and enjoy journaling here so would like to continue doing so, there may well come a time when i feel its better to get off the P again anyway (like when i start having sex again lol)

    how typical, the day after posting such a positive post i had a real crapper of a day! went to my second job after doing 2 night shifts, was tired, had some beer (mistake as my friend was there and offered me one) very busy night

    got (very politley) rejected by a girl later on, and somehow that massively triggered me, and sent me into a little downward spiral of self loathing. its funny, i know it was my reaction to it, and not the act itself, i know that it was most likely bringing up old wounds but that didn't seem to help on this occasion

    found myself slipping into my old "victim" way of thinking and painful feelings again.

    but anyway i still managed to get quite a lot done round the flat, and do my run and hill sprints. i hope that tomorrow ill be back in my new routine of getting up early, and being productive, feeling good - tonorow i have no plans so can just focus on myself ,gym and music, these are actually my favorite days!

    i dont know, despite all the progress ive made, all the time ive pushed myself out of my comfort zone, all the books ive read, all the women ive been with or dated over the last few years, the whole deal is still something of a mystery to me. id quite happily turn off my sexuality and attraction for women for 6 months or so, just to take myself out of the firing line for a little bit. Sometimes i think the whole deal is ridiculous, like this huge cosmic joke, all this energy expended, all the pain inflicted on a global scale. for what? Biologically it all stems from the need to reproduce and nurture offspring with the "best available mate" of course, but i don't want kids, the world is overpopulated and most girls are on the pill anyway so its all bollocks. lol!

    Im not even looking for it now, last week the girl actually came up to me in the club when i was out with my male friends and actually not paying the girls much attention

    so yeah ive made huge improvements for sure, but there is a lot of room for more, and i dont want my happiness to be tied in with women - at all. they can be the icing on the cake, the optional extra :) I can be, and have been, happy within myself, doing my own thing

    heres to a better day tomorrow!
    Last edited: Oct 21, 2018
    Living, Londoner and Thebeg like this.
  13. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Hey mate, please stay here to keep logging, wouldn't want to miss your stories :)

    I think we're all making huge progress, even if things don't seem to be heading directly where we want them to. Things change and with change comes eventual improvement.

    I still think that the more artificial masturbation becomes, the more it steers away from our natural sexuality. So my advice would be to keep a very critical view with the cams, even if you don't feel like crap afterwards. After all, PMO will always be in the way of healthy good sex with a real woman. And you will agree that this is always much more satisfactory.
    cjm likes this.
  14. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    hello mate, thanks for that
    Last edited: Oct 22, 2018
    100DaysMission likes this.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    This is something I've been struggling with too (I probably mentioned that before). I have made porn so much bigger than it is, while indeed it is just this one small part of our lives. I think that the last five or so years I have suffered a lot more from the negative ways I felt about porn and that I felt like an addict, than I have suffered from porn. Sure, before I came here I would binge regularly and that did have a negative effect on my life, but it didn't crush my self-esteem when I did. Porn was never the problem, porn was a way I dealt with my problems. It was only when I started considering myself an addict that porn became a problem. Right now it's not like I want porn back in my life, not at all, but I do want that healthy view of porn back in my life. I want to be able to accept myself when I do consider porn or even view porn and no longer view myself as a broken toy.

    Good to see you put the focus on the right stuff. I strongly believe that as long as you keep your eyes on the place that you want to go, you will be fine.
    cjm likes this.
  16. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    You can keep watching porn. Just know its an escape and you wont grow or pursue your dreams in life if you do. Sometimes mediocrity is all we will ever experience.
  17. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Just a question, you used to M without P while seeing A. Could that be a possible midground for now?
    cjm likes this.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    This exactly. I would even take things a step further: I have seen other guys on this board using the fact that they still struggle with porn as an excuse to not deal with the problems they have in their lives. Perhaps not intentionally, but if you believe that 'you wont grow or pursue your dreams in life if you [still watch porn]', then why would you even try? And it's exactly that self-defeating believe that keeps a lot of guys from trying to grow and pursue their dreams. But growth and the pursual of dreams comes from making steps in the right direction, no matter how small. It comes from knowing your core values and trying to life along those values. Giving up porn is not the ultimate key to happiness we try to make ourselves believe.
    cjm likes this.
  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    yes, of course that is possible

    atm im choosing to watch cams whenever i like, but i imagine when i start to have opportunities with women again that ill choose to stop this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I wanted to like the post you deleted, but you deleted it:) Anyway, I believe that this forum can be helpful at the right times, but sometimes you also need to step away from the forum and just live your life. Good luck!
    cjm likes this.

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