Finding a way forward

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by cjm, Feb 24, 2016.

  1. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Hi all

    Thanks for having me here and for allowing me to share this stuff.

    Im 33 years old. Sexually abused as a child by the neighbour, first discovered porn at the age of about 13 ish and used that and masturbation to comfort and deal with difficult emotions. Ive had ED from about 15 ish onwards. It may have been compounded by a bike accident, although urologist said this was unlikely (this thought sticks in my head though) First sexual experiences all terrible, couldn't get it up.

    Had a 6.5 year relationship that ended around 2 years ago. This relationship suffered a lot from my ED, my use of porn and online sex cams and in the end even prostitution. I often found that i would rather watch porn than have sex with this partner. Although i loved her i didn't find her that attractive sexually

    Since being single ive dated and slept with several women, and was with a beautiful girl who i loved dearly for nearly a year. She just finished with me, and that has inspired me to try and make some positive changes. 99% of the time in the last 2 years i have been relying on cialis to have sex. With the last GF of nearly a year, she responded badly to my ED problem which resulted in increased anxiety. I dealt with this by taking more and more cialis to the point where i was overdosing 2 or 3 times maximum dose to ensure that i performed and kept her satisfied. My ED was a significant contributing factor to her leaving me. Although it hurts and i feel massively let down i do understand why this would scare her, she was very insecure and saw sex as a kind of "validation"

    I never told her i was on medication as i was too ashamed and thought she would leave me (which she did anyway) She collected her stuff last thursday, and ive been through the ringer emotionally - there's been a lot of tears and negative thoughts, even suicidal ones if im honest (not that id ever actually go through with it as killing yourself is not as easy a flipping a switch)

    I have been watching porn much less since having been with the last GF of nearly 1 year as i didn't want to mess up the relationship. Recently i have still been masturbating, quite compulsivity, often thinking about my ex, partly as a way to soothe the feelings of hurt and jealousy, etc.

    My goal is to completely abstain from masturbation and porn of any kind, reset, and see if i can bring back more natural erections such as morning erections, or erections that don't require porn or manual stimulation. I want to completely give up porn. I have wasted so much time, energy and money on porn and i recognise that this, and acting out sexually in other ways, is a destructive force in my life.

    I want to have a healthier, happier life and pursue my interests outside of work. Ultimately i want a healthy LTR with a loveable and beautiful women. I want my ED to get better, just in the last couple of months alone this ED has caused me so much pain.
    Kichijiro likes this.
  2. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Re: Journal of a 33 year old man

    Hi mate, your story really resonates. Sucks with the ED and having a girl making it worse by responding badly. However a loving and understanding girl is what you deserve. If your ex didn't have these qualities, she was the wrong girl for you.
    staythecourse likes this.
  3. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of a 33 year old man

    Thank you Fry. Have you had a similar experience?

    Was working last night, but woke up in bed with a full, hard, erection that lasted a good 20 minutes (until i went to the toilet) This is a good start

    I feel pretty resolute about this reset, have been watching less porn over the last year so hopefully it will be ok, its the jacking off over memories of the ex that might be more of a challenge. Feelings of anxiety, jealousy (if i think about what she might be up to) or memories of her hot body are the potential triggers to watch out for

    Have been pretty up and down emotionally - yesterday i cried a lot, today a little and it really come from a place in my heart. Even though she was a bit of a pain in the ass, i did love her. It seems like this breakup has opend up quite a lot of old wounds. My work provides a certain number of therapy sessions and im going take advantage of that.

    Due to the fact that im still recovering from flu, and from the breakup, im going easy on myself on my days off this week. Plenty of rest, no excercise and eating well (as usual). Im writing myself a short list of productive things to get done each day.

    Got "liked" on my dating site of choice by 2 cute girls today which was a bit of an ego boost. Perhaps i will go out on a date with them in the coming weeks.
  4. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of a 33 year old man

    # 2

    Another day done, no problems yet. Labido is completely 0 today.

    Flu/cough is pissing me off because i cant go out as its so cold. Cant exercise either which i usually rely on to make me feel better

    Ive been fairly productive today, kept myself busy with hobbies. Still ending the day on a bit of a downer and cant help thinking that i miss my ex
  5. Fry

    Fry Guest

    Re: Journal of a 33 year old man

    That one made me smile :)

    Hope you're feeling better soon mate.
  6. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Re: Journal of a 33 year old man

    cheers Fry - thats a good read


    Another day done. Well I did M for literally a few moments today, but no O or porn of an kind so im not counting that as a slip up.

    Honestly today was a struggle - still feeling ill (coughing up blood this morning which was a bit worrying) so stuck in the flat and lot and lots of mopeing around, napping and generally feeling low today. Found myself in tears once or twice

    went out for a meal with my mate in the eve which really lifted my spirits - cant put a value on good friends the are priceless.

    Also got messaged by a couple of cute girls on my dating site i use which lifted my spirits a bit too. Sometimes it seems like a lot of my self esteem is linked in with women somehow which is kind of wrong. Have been working through the exercises in the book "no more mr nice guy" - good book. In a way the best way to feel better about my ex is to remind myself that there are other women out there who are interested.
  7. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    Well the no porn / M is going well. Unfortunately i just do not feel well within myself. Not usually one to be be unduly negative but im feeling pretty depressed.

    I need to stop feeling sick so i can get back out into the world more. Exercise usually helps me out massively and without that im feeling tense

    I need to stop feeling so desolate so i can start enjoying my free time again. At the moment im just getting through the days- It all seems kind of pointless. This is not how life is supposed to be

    I have a doctors appointment next week and going to ask about therapy.
  8. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    no porn is going well. i did have a quick "fiddle" last night but no porn whatsoever and no O either so for me thats fine. bit worried ive had no morning wood apart from day 1.

    being at work and around people today has helped. Its been a shitty time to be ill and stuck in the flat which has not helped my mental state at all. Started the day very depressed, and ended it less so. Finding it hard to connect with people at work in my normal way - i'm sure they picked up on my negativity.

    Still coughing my guts up :(

    This morning i tore up and threw away all the cards my ex gave me, the last one was only 6 odd weeks ago. I don't really understand how someone's feelings can be so changeable, and well, fickle really - although i'm sure she'd have some kind of justification for it. damn woman!

    Im concerned by the negative and suicidal thoughts ive been having (first time in my life ive ever actually considered it) so have started the ball rolling to get some professional help.
  9. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    well this is the longest i will have gone without porn in around 8 years

    the live sex cams were my addiction more than the movies. Id send them a cam link of myself while i masturbated

    interestingly i never had problems getting it up for them, always felt so comfortable and relaxed. I guess also because you'd be i charge of your own stimulation too

    Had dinner at friends family, his mum cooked for me which was really sweet. In the state that im in a bit of kindness goes a long way

    Even though im still depressed I started to feel a bit on an inner strength today. Its time to stick up for ourselves guys. Im not a pushover but sometimes i let people get away with saying stuff that they shouldn't. I mean i think its good to be gentle, but im 6"3 for fucks sake. Fuck these people who will bully you if you let them . Fuck them for projecting their opinions onto me, i have my own opinion.

    I ordered a replacement set of cutlery so i can send my ex back hers which is still in my drawers. Its a family heirloom for her so only fair to send back. I had so much love and respect for her, but maybe, just maybe she didn't really deserve it. Maybe she wasn't the person i made her out to be, maybe NOONE deserves to be put on a pedestal, especially for the way they look or for sexual reasons. Fuck that
  10. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member


    ok so i did M a bit last night. No O and certainly no Porn so i don't see this as a full blown relapse. However, after reading about it a bit on the net i think it would be more beneficial to not M at all. I think i need to set myself a realistic target for no M (no porn is forever but obviously no M is not forever that is not doable)

    from now on, until i set a specific target, any significant M will count as a relapse

    the trigger for this is thoughts of my Ex. I miss her very much and I miss the sex with her. It was mostly amazing and im missing it a lot and feeling frustrated now, especially as i cant work out due to sickness still.

    its been 2 weeks since she collected her stuff and its not getting easier yet - I guess it will take time. On the plus side I haven't contacted her (deleted her no. although still have email)
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    today has been pretty good

    No P, M or O at all.

    went to the doctor and asked about getting some psychological help. it felt good to talk with someone about it, although i had to work hard to keep my emotions under control and not start crying

    the ED, breakup and depression have been taking there toll a bit. I think its finally hit home that I've been suffering from depression on and off for years. Ive kind of used relationships (and in a lesser way porn and webacams) as a sort of anaesthetic i think

    CBT was mentioned so im reading a book about overcoming depression with CBT

    Feeling good about not watching porn for over a week

    I want to get better
  12. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    nearly at 2 weeks, feeling good

    illness is clearing up. Depression feels like its lifting. Got a date on the weekend. Had a nice weekend away with my mate thats given me the idea about relocating cities up north to leeds. Could afford a wicked flat for a fraction of the price of my current pace (and it would be much nicer)

    Onwards and upwards. Fuck the ex (although not literally unfortunately)
  13. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ok so i slept with a hooker today

    Used some Cialis. Didnt notice better erection than normal although there was as huge "load" as i haven't done anything for 2 weeks. Felt pretty emotionally flat and tbh was thinking about ex

    It was ok

    Feeling strong about the no porn. Ive been at my absolute lowest (in my whole life) over the last few weeks, and if I didnt relapse then i reckon i can do it forever

    This is my journal so i can be honest, at the risk of sounding a bit negative. Today was really up and down. Did my first counselling session, seemed ok. Had a urology appointment to discuss ED but its been put back 8 weeks!

    I'm still getting reminders of ex everywhere I look. Its still really fucking painfull. Guess it hasnt even been 3 weeks since i saw her. I'm still finding myself in tears several times a day and feeling miserable /isolated in the flat. Hanging out with my mate all weekend was cool as it kept me from thinking too much

    Its like my thoughts are working against me

    going to bed feeling ok though
  14. darryl81

    darryl81 New Member

    Reading your journal cjm keep going. I am also trying the same brain rewiring.
  15. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    Thanks Daryl

    Good luck with yours too mate

    OK so another day done. Didn't start great, i couldn't get myself out of bed until 2pm. This is not like me i'm normally productive and quite self disciplined. In tears again this morning - again this is not my normal behaviour, even though it has been persistently like this the last couple of weeks.

    I cant wait until I start feeling better again. Its nearly a month of this shit now

    I've decided that i will try and get my ex back, but in a very measured / careful way. Yes its unlikley to work but at least this idea is giving me a bit of hope. Would that really be for the best? I don't know, but I do know that I truly love her so after at least a month of no contact I will give it another go

    In the mean time I will date, go to therapy, give up porn forever, get my motivation back for music, work, friends, exercise etc. At the moment im just watching tv and moopeing with my spare time. This is not like me, but then I am used to having a GF in my life, I haven't really been single for about 8 years (lived with my Ex Ex for years)

    I will send out CVs up north to see if i can transfer somewhere up there (im a freman for my job) I wouldn't mind a new start. This flat has a lot of memories.

    I hope things get better soon cos this aint what life should be like
  16. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    well day 15 here we are

    ive changed my counter so now its just porn related. I just cant abstain completely from M to O (even though ive only done it once in 2 weeks) Im feeling confident about the porn part though atm, and believe thats the most important part for now.

    last night i just felt too frustrated and had thoughts running through my head about sex with the old gf.

    so yeah i banged one out but only to memories of stuff that really happend, no pornographic fantasy or anything

    i realize this is not really healthy behaviour in terms of me moving on though. Still feel kind of devastated, much worse than when i split up with GF of 6.5 years, because thats what i wanted i guess!!!

    Generally a good day. Hanging out with the guys at work, having a laugh, having a chat, doing some work. Starting to feel a bit better within myself, although there is still this underlying current of sadness. Been reading about CBT and how are thoughts and emotions are linked in - interesting stuff

    First day in the gym for 2 weeks (since i had chest infection) felt good to be lifting weights again, although i was going a bit easy
  17. cydor

    cydor New Member

    cjm, thanks for your journal. reading it helped me decide to get official, register, and post my own. keep going man, it helps us all.
  18. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    thanks mate. I had no idea that i could actually help someone by writing it so thats great

    im just trying to be honest, and keep the bs and ego out of it

  19. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    well ive added a separate MO counter - i do want to keep this under control.

    had a MO binge last night, thinking about ex again. This really isnt healthy from a psychological point of view i will try to cut this down. But on the bright side there was no pornographic fantasy, and still no porn. Dont even feel the urge for porn or webcams which is great.

    I had a pretty productive day before the night shift, even did my piano practice for the first time in a couple of weeks! the part of my mind that deals with getting stuff done seems to be getting fired up again a little, so this is good

    The only problem is im still thinking about the ex loads, especially at night. I miss her so much. Opend up firefox and it was logged into her Amazon account from ages back. I went through her order history (i know i shouldn't have) and saw all the presents that she got for me for Christmas and my birthday and a dress that she has ordered.

    After having a pretty positive day i completely broke down at this point. sometimes im just so awfully sad about it, such a feeling of loss iv'e honestly never felt. Its like im grieving something more than the actual relationship we had together - i haven't figured out exactly what yet. Maybe the dream of the perfect girl (which she was in many ways), maybe an idealistic view of her and women, maybe my old 6.5 year relationship, maybe something to do with my relationship with my mum who never really showed that she loved me (affection, saying i love you etc) as a kid or maybe even the idea that i'll end up with someone i love and be happy. lots of people don't

    I do feel a tremendous weight of responsibility for things i could have done differently

    I just feel pretty jaded about relationships right now. Its such a battle field out there, finding someone you want who wants you is tough, even more so with my ED problems. The thing is, with the other girls before her i got more comfortable and the ED seemed to get less severe and needed less medication. With her it was the other way round so things clearly weren't right.

    One thing ive realized is how important male friends are. I think trying to get most/all your needs met from a partner is not healthy, you need buddies too for support and friendship
  20. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    ok another day done. No porn, lets keep it going

    Another up and down day, another lot of tears at home

    Got my piano practise done again today!

    Iv'e decided that iv'e dwelt on and ruminated on my last relationship enough so im going to make a concious effort to not talk about or write about her so much. I feel like ive grieved enough and i'm going to try to move on, at least for now. If i feel like reaching out to her in the coming weeks after 30 days or more of NC i will.

    Sometimes its cathartic, but sometimes you're just dragging stuff up again for no reason or purpose. At the end of the day if somebody decides they don't want to be with you just have to learn your lesson and try to move on

    If I start dwelling on things again feel free to chip in!

    Got a date tomorrow, she looks cute in the pictures and sounds fun so lets see how it goes.

    Got to keep on moving

    Having a good evening at work. Feeling good

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