Finally doing something

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Subterraneon, Aug 3, 2019.

  1. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Finally decided to do something about my PMO problems. Been working on rebooting for the past 6 months with my longest streak being about 35 days. I have a lot of social anxiety and negative energy because of it which I noticed was drastically improved during my streaks. There is a lot of tension during the streaks because I have a lot of sexual energy I don’t know what to do with. My problem has escalated and has left me feeling guilty, which I think other people can pick up on when I interact with them. Thought I was out of the woods because I started feeling more confident in myself and was out getting laid but I had intense triggers come up out of nowhere that I was not ready to fight. Now it seems like i’m back to square one, but I’ve decided im ready for another go round. The first two weeks are always the hardest but this seems like a supportive community and I’d love the accountability. I really want to purify my self from this nasty habit that’s been with me for years to see what I’m really capable of and to view myself in a new light. It’s going to take some fighting to resist the urges but I know that I’ll feel better if I can learn how to balance myself better and cope with negative feelings naturally instead of running from them.

    Thanks everyone for your support
     
    WilliamOneAndDone likes this.
  2. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 5

    first few days are always a little rough but after a couple days things get smoother and I start feeling better. I was feeling positive and productive but at the end of the day I noticed those familiar cravings creeping back in... it was pretty difficult to move on from them because the more I thought about them the more they seemed like an option. But I couldn’t not think of them because they were obviously already there. I managed to distract myself long enough to start doing something else. Happy to be able to give myself a break and feel proud of where I’m at instead of being back in that dark place.

    Peace and love
     
  3. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 8

    Had a productive day and later at nighttime I started getting triggers again. I chose not to PMO again this time though. It was hard but I remembered that it does get easier eventually if you can keep at it. I also wanted to be more positive for the week ahead and didn’t want to start it off this way. Staying strong!
     
  4. VJONW

    VJONW New Member

    Keep it going man! I just relapse after 160 days.
    You can do it man!
    Time to get it back on track for me!
     
  5. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 10

    Hardest day yet for me. It always seems to come in the evening time... this time I was able to move on from the urge but it was really hard. I’ve definitely noticed that it’s much harder when I’ve had a few drinks... noted hahaha. I have a busy week coming up- going to power through and let my old habits become a thing of the past. Glad to be where I am and thankful for everything that is helping give me strength.
     
    Last edited: Aug 15, 2019
    VJONW likes this.
  6. VJONW

    VJONW New Member

    Yeah evening is hard for me too.
    Just keep getting on here when it happens!
    Keep
    It up!
     
  7. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 24

    Been busy but wanted to post an update. In the past I’ve had a flatline but now I don’t seem to have that going on. In fact, I’ve had a ton of wet dreams and morning wood. I’ve been doing well and have been running a lot at the gym which is helping me feel great! My urges are a lot less frequent than a couple weeks ago and I feel more clear and relaxed around other people already! I like myself a lot more for being who I am and I’m happy that I’ve been taking care of myself. I’ve also been meditating a lot which really helps with all of my obsessive thinking and tensions. There are still difficult challenges (especially with urges and negative thought patterns about women and sexuality) but I’m trusting that if I keep things up I’ll continue to do better and better.
     
  8. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 28

    I hit 4 weeks today! I’m feeling fewer urges now than in the first couple weeks, but it is still challenging at times. I’ve noticed I feel more relaxed and socially I’m doing better. I still have a long way to go but I’m happy I’ve made it this far. If I can make it another week or so this will be the longest I’ve ever gone. I’m proud of how I’ve been doing and want to say that if you can push through the first couple weeks things do get easier and you get some relief. In a way I remember how awful I felt when I was in the grips of my addiction and I’m letting it go more and more each day. I definitely have a ways to go still so I gotta keep my eyes on the future.
     
    Bezoechow likes this.
  9. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 34

    Hitting kind of a weird spot. I’m feeling healthy and vibrant but my head is kind of bringing me down. I’ve had a few dates, two of three backing out on me which kind of hurt my confidence a little. I’m also feeling horny a lot when I’m by myself which is giving me a little stress from tension. I also know that this weekend is going to be difficult with my urges. I haven’t been thinking a lot about porn but I know that the urge to PMO or just MO is still very high in my subconscious. I also have been wondering if it might be a good idea to hold off on trying to hook up with girls until I’m farther in because I’m wondering if my streak is going to suffer if it happens. Not really sure. I do know that I need to keep my streak going at all costs for as long as I can because I can feel that it’s helping me. I also think that it is helping shape other positive changes that I need to make in my life and is really helping my social life. It seems like I can respond to people more effortlessly when they make comments or ask questions. I also feel like I don’t have to try too hard and I can joke around more with people. I also am more genuinely interested in other people when I’m talking with them. In my past longest reboot I remember starting to care about girls personalities more instead of just their looks, as far as attraction goes. I’m not quite there yet but I’m hoping that will come in time. It seems like that type of a mentality is good for my heart and helps me feel more at ease.
     
  10. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 37

    Reaching uncharted territory. I’m feeling better than ever but I’m also feeling very horny all of the time now. Which gives me the urge to edge which I know can’t be good for me. Has anyone been here before? Got to keep pushing forward if I can.
     
  11. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 42

    I’ve been doing well and staying busy. Wanted to post a little update. I had sex recently so I’m not sure if I need to reset my counter. Definitely haven’t been watching porn for 42 days and I feel wonderful about it. It seems like that self-defeating, guilt ridden part of my life is just thinning and thinning and I find that I am a lot more joyful generally. I still deal with a lot of anxiety and stress but not having porn on my phone, computer, history etc is really great for me. It feels like I have a window open where all of the hot air can run out and cool air can enter. There’s still a lot of hot air in the room but I didn’t realize the breeze before and I’m starting to make more room for it. I also enjoy talking a lot with girls now and it doesn’t seem like a huge feat that I need to figure out how to do, but more like something that I want to do because of attraction and well, fun! I will say that although I’m not thinking of porn hardly at all anymore but I still have fantasies about it when I get really horny. The journey has definitely been winding so far and it feels unpredictable but I’m happy that I am sticking with it and think that it is helping me.
     
    WilliamOneAndDone likes this.
  12. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 51

    Doing pretty well! My moods fluctuate but I think that’s pretty normal. A couple nights ago I was really tired and when I fell asleep I had a VERY intense dream that I was PMOing and I felt horrible during the dream. I was beating myself up and also planning on doing it more but I was really feeling the urges while it was happening. It was strange because I hadn’t been experiencing many urges leading up to that. They might be under the surface. When I woke up I was relieved that I didn’t relapse but still felt guilty somehow. Later it went away, it was weird. Other than that, I felt like I was making progress but for the past 2-3 weeks now it seems much more subtle.
     
  13. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    You guys.. I relapsed today. I’m upset about it because I know exactly what triggered it. My girl bailed on me and I fell back into old habits. It was really tough going through it all again and my head feels terrible. The main thing that caused it was alcohol. I have known I’ve had a problem with drinking in the past but every time I’ve relapsed I swear it’s involved. I don’t want to dwell on it, I know I’ve made some good progress but I don’t want to drink anymore (for a few reasons but definitely because when I drink I do stupid shit. It’s not totally stupid but just stupid enough to be a problem for me). I want to start over completely, to acknowledge what happened and to do whatever I can to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
     
  14. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    I always feel bad about myself and lonely like I don’t matter to anyone. I want to matter to someone and I want to mean something to them as myself. This has become a problem for me in the past few years and it always ends up this way. I’m not really sure what to do because it’s become a thing for me but I don’t see any way out unless I give up alcohol completely. I think for me it’s the only way. This is really hard guys, I could really use some support here to get back on my feet and to not beat myself up too bad. Thanks
     
  15. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 1

    I’m having a rough day. I am trying to keep my spirits up but I’m hurting a lot. My friends want to go out but I don’t want to drink and I feel like I’ll be a drag to be around because i’m still pretty upset. The girl I like bailed on me AGAIN tonight so that makes me feel really bad. Ugh. I just wish I wouldn’t have relapsed, I feel horrible.
     
  16. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    I spent a lot of the night PMOing again. I ended up drinking and just stopped caring. I know I can break out of this but I’m having a hard time. I felt myself reverting to my worst after not doing it for so long just makes me feel awful. My head is pounding and I have the worst guilty feeling. My least favorite part is how the feeling lingers for a few days and I know I’m going to have to go through them. I’m going to try my hardest and post updates on here of how I’m doing. I’m also not going to drink anymore and start caring for myself.
     
  17. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 1

    Well here I am again. Able to get through a day without pmoing after my massive relapse. Yeah, it was intense and not fun at all. I don’t think that all of the hard work that I had put in was wasted as I still feel some of it but I also feel tremendous guilt and shame from the past couple days. It feels like a heaviness in my body around my chest and especially in my lower back. I am happy that I have the courage to get back at it and start a new streak. I am going to try to identify when my triggers come up and will lay off the booze. Onwards and upwards!
     
  18. occams_razor

    occams_razor Well-Known Member

    I do stupid shit whether I drink or not.

    You did some serious work in overcoming your addiction. Try and forgive yourself for the recent PMOing. The day count isn't everything.
     
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  19. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Day 9

    Wanted to post an update- i’m doing well. The first few days always suck so bad. I felt zapped and low but I’m feeling better now than I was. I was able to bounce back and now I’m getting some momentum again. Happy for this community and for the strength to keep pushing onwards and learning more each day.
     
  20. Subterraneon

    Subterraneon New Member

    Hey guys,

    I went about 2 weeks and got dumped by the girl I’ve been seeing for a couple months. It was really hard and I know I had trouble coping with that. I had a girl that I didn’t even like over that night, and the next day I relapsed a couple times. I went a couple more days and just relapsed bad tonight. I’m really struggling. When I get a streak going I feel stronger but I always fall back into this struggle and I’m ready to be over it, but I know I have issues with this because it’s always a pattern. Has anyone had any successes getting out of this? What was it that worked for you? What can I do to help myself? I want any advice I can get right now, please. I want to grow but I feel just as stuck as I’ve ever been right now and am miserable.
     

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