Fighting the addiction and Cravings

Discussion in 'Pornography Addiction' started by Gui, Jun 30, 2020.

  1. Gui

    Gui New Member

    Hey guys, I just got go this website today through YBOP and its awesome.

    I’m 30 years old and have been married for a bit over month now. Porn has been in my life since I was a teenager when my older cousin introduced me to it. And I know that its been ruining my life since then, more and more.

    I have PIED and can’t have proper sex with my wife. Its hard to be like this, its shameful, it makes me feel like I’m not a full man. Something is missing.

    I have been without PMO since june 14th, a bit over 2 weeks now. but the cravings are getting stronger each day I feel like. Porn images come to my mind, desite to watch it and masturbate grows. I even seen some scenes but then closed before things got out of hand.

    I need your support as I’m here to support you as well.

    PS: My wife does’t know of my problem so the fact that I can’t have proper sex and always have disfunction makes her really sad, she cries somethimes and I can’t bear seeing her like this. I NEED TO WIN THIS FIGHT FOR GOOD
    DoneAtLast and -Luke- like this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hi Gui, welcome to the board. Sorry to hear about your difficulties. This is a serious addiction with serious consequences. But the good news is that many guys have shown that it is really well possible to overcome the addiction and PIED. I can really recommend you to start a journal in the 30's section and interact with others for reciprocal advice and support. One important thing to consider is that this is not just a matter of stopping, but about designing a new life in which porn doesn't need play a role. I can really recommend you to read this post:
    Gui and -Luke- like this.
  3. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Hey Gui, welcome to the forum! I agree with everything Gil said.

    Your wife probably thinks that you find her unattractive and it is understandable that she is sad. I won't tell you whether you should tell her about the problem or not because I have never had to make this decision myself. Either way, this is the right place and I hope you see some progress soon.
    Gui likes this.
  4. Gui

    Gui New Member

    Thanks Luke, I really appreciate the support. I’m considering telling her, I think she deserves to know, I just need the courage to do so.
  5. Gui

    Gui New Member

    Thank you so much for the advices Gil, I’ll start my journal and read the link posted. Thank you for the support :)
  6. Stubborn

    Stubborn Member

    Welcome to the site, @Gui! You've already taken some decisive steps in the direction of recovery and with such an important reason for the choice, I'm sure you'll succeed!
    Best of luck and much strength!
    Gui likes this.
  7. Gui

    Gui New Member

    Thanks a lot buddy. I really appreciate the support.
  8. DoneAtLast

    DoneAtLast Active Member

    Welcome! You're in the right place. You've made a good, wise diagnosis. The porn is a big enemy of your sexuality and your marriage right now.

    Cravings do get worse. Then they get better. Then they get worse. The flashbacks can be intense. Your heart rate will go up, and it'll feel like you just NEED to have a PMO session to make it go away. Don't read too much into it, because we can trick ourselves into thinking that as cravings are ascending, they will continue to ascend until we hit the release valve, but they can and will go down on their own. The best thing you can do (besides just riding it out) is avoiding triggers. Figuring out what your triggers are is a learning process for everyone. They can be sexual, they can be related to a fetish and seem completely innocent on the surface, and sometimes they are just circumstantial, like having a beer in the evening at a time that would've been your usual PMO time. The more of these you identify, the weaker they become.

    You can definitely do this. You have the motivation and you're getting the understanding. But, it will take time. I say this because you mentioned you haven't told your wife yet. Let me be clear, I am not going to weigh in whether you should tell her or not tell her. But, this won't be fixed in a matter of days or weeks. If you're lucky you might be at a decent place in 90 days if you keep your streak, but that would put you right at the top 1-2% of rebooters for progress speed. Given your level of motivation, it could certainly happen. It is possible, yes, but it isn't what most people experience. The wives of rebooters lurk around here from time to time and their wisdom is always incredible. Reboot Nation has a sub-board dedicated to partners of rebooters that gets some very good, smart people, but it hasn't been all that active lately. At the very least, be prepared to have the talk, whether you tell her entirely of your own will or whether she finds out, you'll need to have it laid out. The first reaction for many wives/girlfriends is that they aren't attractive enough or that porn women have something they don't. Porn does have something real women don't, and that is novelty and your addiction. She can be the most beautiful woman in the world to you (and I bet she is), but she doesn't shape shift every 20 seconds into something different, nor is there the activity of searching out for something new. She needs to know that you love her, PIED or no PIED.

    Best of luck, and stick around!
    Gui, Loleekins and Pete McVries like this.
  9. Rebel

    Rebel Active Member

    I advice against doing that. I have confessed before to my family members and I regret it. I regret every time I told someone about it to get help because there is nothing they could do to help you. Most of them didn't even understand and told me that if it's harming you that much and you hate why don't you stop doing it, it's easy. That's what she'll probably tell you.
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  10. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    It all depends on the recipient and on what relationship you have with him/her. I told my siblings and my best friends and they all took it really well. It helped strengthen my bonds with all of them and I didn't regret it at all. They do not treat me any different. But it was at time where I was already deep into my reboot and mentally stronger and stable. Moreover, I wouldn't bring the spouse into the reboot as an accountability partner because it gives the natural power struggle that you can find in any or every relationship a very weird additional dynamic. Something like this would perhaps even require relationship therapy. In the end, @Gui will have to wage the pros and cons and then decide accordingly. This decision shouldn't be made overnight because it will have consequences either way.
    -Luke- and Gui like this.
  11. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    Hi there. ;)

    Pretty much a dead board. It was allowed to be overrun with abuse and turned out not to be a safe place for partners. Gracie and I have stuck around some. Gotta have a thicker skin than most people to deal with this stuff.

    Do be prepared to talk, this is exactly right. Telling her is better than being outted. If you bring it to her, you are showing that you are aware, concerned, motivated to change. If she outs you, you have nothing to stand on and she will forever question how long this all would have gone on. Were you prepared to carry on like this for 10 yrs? 20 yrs? Always? Best advice here I can give you is bring it to her. Show her that you care about what's been happening, and that you care about her.

    More than you talking, at first, get her on Gary's site. Let her read till her eyes are crossing. Watch Gary's Ted Talk with her. She might have questions of you. Answer them - honestly.

    Honesty is going to be key here. Don't hold back on her. If she's brave enough to ask the question, be brave enough to give the answer. If what you're looking for is repair with her, your honesty is going to make it or break it. Along with that honesty, please consider doing a full confessional if she wants it. Let her guide how much information flows. She knows what she can/can't handle, what she needs/doesn't need to hear. If she is the type that values honesty and understands that the information you supply will help the rebuilding process, telling everything is usually best. The information trickle process that many undertake can be very damaging. It seems the story continually changes, gets worse, morphs, shifts. It's rather like death by 1000 cuts. It's a theme I have heard many times in the reboot world. Partners lament the death by 1000 cuts as being infinitely more painful to them.

    Please, don't. She's going to have her pain, her sense of betrayal, her time of going over the relationship questioning what was real. You need to be responsible for your healing, she needs to do hers. If she's wrapped up in yours, hers will fall by the wayside. She's going to have a lot to process and work through. Gary's fantastic site

    Ted Talk

    All the best to you.
    -Luke-, Gui and Pete McVries like this.
  12. Gui

    Gui New Member

    Thank you so much for the advice!!!

    I’m taking the courage and wisdom to bring this matter to her. She is always super understandable and supportive with everything. Our relationship is amazing, this is the only thing between us. :/

    I’m so glad I came to this place and opened up. You guys are all amazing S2
    Loleekins, -Luke- and DoneAtLast like this.
  13. Loleekins

    Loleekins Nemo repente fuit turpissimus

    Good for you, Gui. When you act with integrity, it's good for her and you. It doesn't feel good to keep secrets. It tends to color how we feel about ourselves. A lot of people don't stop and consider in a reboot process, how valuable the truth is to them and their healing. It allows starting over with a clean slate. It's hard to get clean if you're dragging around trash.

    I know this isn't easy. You're showing great courage here. It speaks well of how you feel about her and how your recovery will go.
    Gui and DoneAtLast like this.

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