Fetish cure

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by want to be cured, Sep 5, 2013.

  1. want to be cured

    want to be cured New Member

    hello im from India,21 years old,virgin, from a Traditional Indian background.... Sorry for my bad english i am not good in it. I read journals in this page and inspired me today to write about my own journey... so here it goes i am pretty introvert and a guy who has been bullied from childhood and also i had seen domestic violence as kid as my parents really didnt loved each other here is my story....
    I just normally seen some woman supergirl soap when i was 5 or 6 years old(dont know exact age) .....And I just use to rub my penis by laying in bed and rubbing my penis against bed to those fantasies ,,,,but then as i grew older i forgetten this things and use 2 be more like normal kid like playing outdoors games like soccer,,,watching cartoons,,,,,but sometimes(rarely) I use 2 rub my penis with fetish fantasy....I didnt knew what is masterbation then but do it as i use to enjoy....I was 10 years old,,,and yea i had few mental problems as well like OCD and few others in childhood but they all cured naturally or dimished too negligible amount as i grew older into adolense...... After i hit puberty I like any other guy of my age was also interested in girls use to flirt a lot with beautiful girls in my school......i got my real 1st gf at age 16,,,,and we had physical intimacy not intercourse but i rem i was hard and didnt had 2 fantasize just enjoyed normal physical contacts.....i had several encounters with girls like kissing and physical touches but i didnt had any erection problem bt then in college at age 18...I got internet at my home and I got heavily addicted to porns....... I use 2 view some soft videos like woman fighting man,,dominating men,,short girl dominating tall girl... I had a strange fetish of height comparison like seeing tall girl with a short attractive girl(short but not midgets) videos in youtube and use 2 masterbate a lot to porns in a position what is called death grip techinque,,,I use to hold my penis hard tightly till i cum.....I thought i was normal ,, but it gone extreme with each day....... I gone searching for more hardcore videos like ponyboy,femdom porns,slave porns,dominatrix,,,,masochism......which i never thought before all but my taste changed to more hardcore with more porn views ....... But to be honest i just liked those videos for masterbating and viewing...... But i never wanted to experience pains in real life or become slave to any woman and after orgasm i felt those are sick... And use to think how someone want to be slave of someone dont they have self respect......... i will never want to experience dominance in real... and i am not at all submissive male, i have pretty hard male ego,,,who feels disgust with idea of being slave to woman in real,,,,but in masterbation and sexual stimulation i use to think about humiliation and female dominance strange isnt it lol.... And each time after orgasm,,,i use 2 say to myself what did u just did ,,this is not nice and felt guilty after getting my senses back... But when i use to view porns,,i use to like fetish fantasies ...I became like 2 different type of man in 1 body,,one who like watching fetish videos and fantasies and submissive,,,and other man who hates it who loves to be dominant and hated the fact of being dominated by someone... I always want to have normal sex with a woman in real and love my partner and my partner to love me(no fetish involved when i use to plan my future and my wishes)... I never really watched vanilla sex porns ,but use 2 watch lesbian porns,,as i didnt prefered vanilla sex porn as i found dicks as turn off or to watch some man naked lol....so i prefer to watch 2 sexy naked girls than 1 man and 1 woman porn.....And slowly with more and more porn views, I became less social..I turn down partying and stayed home just to masterbate like 3-4 times a day... I use to Masterbate all the time hooked up to porn.....i thought all is normal and i use to be also heavily bullied in college at that time.... so i didnt like going college and use to just masterbate to porn....i was depressed i felt,,,whatever i do people will make fun of me...so i reduced social activity and my days were just viewing porns and masterbation and playing video games.... With god s grace I found love of my life through facebook but she was europpean. we online dated for 2 years and she decided to come to my home for 1 week and meet me... i was so happy and excited....I loved her really much....she was love of my life .. And then 1 day in that week,,we decided to have sex....i was intially hard by kisses but when we both got naked,,,problems start i lost erection and tried to keep up by femdom fantasies..It worked to some extent but i was dead tired sweating all the time and after some time I lost erection...she wanted to give me handjob but i couldnt feel anything in my penis as i use deathgrip technique for 5 years i felt numb no feelings at all in my penis by her....so i had 2 masterbate with my hand and then only I could cum and we didnt had sex on that day i got few oppurtunities in that week after that but fear of under performing and make her not satisfied kept me away and realised i have ED symptomes without fantasing about femdom fantasy it was hard to keep my penis up....As after few minutes of kissing i use to lose erection and interest...... i use 2 just do some excuse like i am ill or tired and avoided sex for rest of the week and she went to her own country.... before this incident i thot i dont have any problem with me and thought,,i can easily enjoy normal sex because all though i had fetish....I also use to think about normal intercourse and use to get excited seeing attractive girls in real and naked pornstars in magazines and wanted to fuck them... After discovering I have ED,,I was so broken and depressed and it was like 1 black spot in manhood for me as i was little egostic.....I realised i am so deeply ingrained with fetish that without thinking of fetish wont turn me on that i cant enjoy normal sex with a partner....I was so depressed but then after reading YBOP and this site,,,I realised that i am suffering from PIED as i viewed heavy porns and masterbated for 5 years and its the cause of numb penis.... and turned me into a man who is not interest in normal sex but interested in viewing hardcore porns.......so i decided to cure my fetish....i do not know will it be cured,,,,and will i get my true libido and can I enjoy normal real sex with my gf without fantasy. All I want is to have normal sex life with my gf...and i can do anythng to cure my fetish. As i dont want to experience femdom fantasy or be dominated in real. I am a human being i wont be slave of anyone except god..And i want i control my mind and actions the real me not some fetish urge or dopamine........I have strong will power currently i am day 5 at no PMO and had several urges but kept in control i always tell me your future is in stake as all in my life.... I wanted 2 be loved and love a woman for her heart and for what she is not for some fetish... I want to spent my life with a sweet girl not with some dominatrix.... and now when i got love i wont let it go... Its like like life and death struggle for me because i know i have the power to change me and kick that devil out of me....
     
  2. Heyman

    Heyman New Member

    please use some dots and commas and make some spaces between your text... Its like impossible to read like that.
     
  3. want to be cured

    want to be cured New Member

    oops sorry mate.. :D
     
  4. TheHighRiser

    TheHighRiser Shaman, take my hand.

    Keep going on no PMO. The only thing to stop something is by changing your habits, it will be hard but you have every reason to fight for. Do you have something else to do? Do you practice any sport? Do you play any instrument? Keeping yourself distracted will help a lot. However, the main force of change is your own will. Good luck in your journey!
     
  5. want to be cured

    want to be cured New Member

    Thanx mate i just finished my college.... And nowdays i am busy as i am preparing to shift home next week i will be going to bangalore to search jobs and have to share my house with few other stranger people so its like great boon as i wont be alone so i cant watch porn or wank lol.... I have noticed the reason of my relapses was when i am alone, bored,depressed or i am drunk... So i decided i have to be happy with friends or family and when i am alone i do not switch on computer i just watch tv or do meditation.... And do facebook or go out with friends... Do you think its good to think about real sex when you see hot woman in street while reboot or should i be away from this and not fantasise....
     
  6. TheHighRiser

    TheHighRiser Shaman, take my hand.

    Well... That's the toughest question we all face. I think that keeping your fantasies away while rebooting doesn't help much because it only means that fantasizing is wrong and you will do it more often but if you keep fantasizing too much then you'll surely relapse. AT least that is what my experience tells me. I think fantasies can be much more powerful than porn itself so it's a double edged weapon, but the one that will find balance is only you. I'ts always a matter of experimentation.
     
  7. want to be cured

    want to be cured New Member

    Ya you are absolutely right this fantansies does lead to edging and then relapse....Specially in the 1st few days of reboot as fantasing keeps haunting me at peak now....... i was close to relapse when i was watching tv and saw some hot fashion models and i just gave strokes for 6-7 seconds then i stopped myself and change the chanell to some sports and then all went fine......Because i know my mission and i know i cant relapse.....And any artifical sexual stimulus should be avoided so wont fall in trap next time....
     
  8. fedmom

    fedmom Member

    There's a method in my profile for getting rid of masochism.
     

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