Femdom, what if it's who I really am?

Discussion in 'Erectile Dysfunction / Delayed Ejaculation' started by niskanen91, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. kira

    kira Member

    Hey fanatic thats great to hear man! Keep doing well in your life :)

    What I meant was that if you have started watching it since teenage years like me and have only watched that then your brain will be wired deeply to it. It needs time to heal. I don't even know what my sexuality is without porn. (I m very sure its straight vanilla though). Only after you have rebooted for a while, you can start thinking clearly. Its a process. If you keep thinking about it all the time then your mind will not get sufficient time to reboot. Try NoA. Whatever you focus on, grows.

    Many people say that these fetishes are normal but it personally doesn't appeal me to have such kind of relationship in real life. Good luck man.
     
  2. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I couldn't have vanilla sex but then again I'm inexperienced and maybe it'd be wise to spend some time with the chick (build some trust & love) before even trying?

    @kira

    What is NoA?

    And yes, my brain is deeply wired to it. That's sad. I don't know either what's my sexuality, at this moment vanilla sex is impossible for me and when I go meet non-dominant chick I'm not even excited, prospect of meeting dominant chick made me hard instantly though. That's why I'm asking if anyone was on the same boat and managed to overcome it.
     
  3. kira

    kira Member

    Check "The no arousal method celibacy of mind & body" thread in pornographic addiction section by big book of penis.

    Its helping me a lot to stay on track. Well there are people who have overcame worse fetishes. Some even reported that they were completely different people after their reboot. I read a few stories on ybop about ppl recovering from hocd. Cant find the links right now.

    There were a few success stories on femdom too but eventually those guys relapsed again.

    Any success story might be applicable to you as most addiction share similar brain changes.

    I am not an expert and I dont know any real life examples of people successfully recovered from femdom, Sorry. But that doesn't mean they don't exist.

    Just have faith
     
  4. kira

    kira Member

    Did you check the femdom group? There was an article shared by someone regarding this guy who owned one of the most successful porn sites(femdom) but he shut down later on as he realized how much had this affected him. His site was very successful because he himself was hooked on femdom so he knew what people expected.
     
  5. Queen|s Gambit

    Queen|s Gambit New Member

    The site your are referring is this

    http://www.young-goddess.com/

    It is a blog now. Non-triggering.

    What is a bit of an eye opener for me is this interview. There is a poster of the girl. Other than that the interview itself if pretty non-triggering.

    http://loveandradio.org/2015/03/thank-you-princess/

    What really blew my mind. Like, I was always like blown away by how the fdom girls just seem to hit that sweet spot of knowing what to do and say to turn me on. In fact...they have NO idea. What they do is just take the description of the scenario from us guys and make it happen. I remember one video where I was just fuck... How does she know exactly what to say. It is actually based on what the guy who ordered the custom clip described and influenced her to say.

    I am actually getting turned on to some guy's fantasy, which he described in great detail to a fdom girl, who made a video out of it. Mind = blown.

    I remember when I was maybe 16ish, I watched vanilla. But then after few years 99.9% of the time it is fetish/fdom videos.

    When I got a few streaks here and there in no-P, it had interest again in vanilla P.

    The community guidelines are clear. 90 days No-P. This is currently state-of-the-art what we know about recovery. Go 90 days without any P.

    Ideas are cheap. Execution is everything. Let's do this!

    What if Fdom and P is only a misguided fantasy? What if vanilla relationship is actually more fulfilling that fdom can ever be? Will we prefer vanilla after 90 days? Will the fantasies vanish after 90 days?

    There is only one way to find out ...

    Can't believe I am here for 1.5 years and still didn't managed 90 days no-P. The time is now.
     
  6. kira

    kira Member

    Same here man. I have been on this forum for more than a year and in this shit for around 7-8 years.

    Vanilla is a lot more fulfilling. No decent girl/women would like to treat someone like that. It makes them feel bad about themselves. Its not natural. Its disgusting. This is indeed a guys fantasy.

    I am very sure that this is not who I am and this is not who I want to be. Early age porn has really fucked up things
     
    VJ likes this.
  7. Redemption

    Redemption Member

    Hey fanatic,

    I would describe my situation as similar to yours in many respects. You will not know if this will work for you until you try it. I have been at this for a while now and while progress has been far from linear, certain things have improved.

    Join the femdom group that others advised if you can. The next few months will be make or break for me in terms of rewiring... so I aim to update on there as and when I make progress.

    Best of luck.
     
  8. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Hey LostCauze,

    Did you get aroused during those kisses? Because normal, healthy, young male should get aroused when kissing with good-looking woman. Due to my porn use, I got only aroused twice (kissed like 12-15 women in my life), it wasn't even erection and it happened only during first kisses with those two ladies. I know what you mean, however I'd say that desire is necessary to form fulfilling relationship, if you are with a girl and she finds out that you don't desire her AT ALL (and that's my story) she'll be devastated. There's no way it's not going to affect her self-esteem.

    I don't consider you a loser, however your life seems to be vicious cycle when you do self-destructive things (porn, video games) that lead to depression and no hobbies, that lead to no friends, which leads us to point one. I understand you because I suffered heavy depressions in my life as well, I was addicted to video games etc. The key for me is to find a healthy hobby (for me it's a sport). I also think that a lot of your problems are psychological, I don't think giving up porn will help in this case, it will increase your arousal to real life women.

    Before discovering YBOP and realizing it's a reason why I can't get aroused by real girls, I mostly felt OK. Sometimes hated having femdom fantasies but mostly I was OK with it, my brain was trained to believe that masturbating to femdom porn was good sex-life. After realizing that it causes my erection problems, I'd say that I feel defeated after every relapse. I just feel bad. And I don't want to feel like this anymore.

    Yeah, I read it and I found it quite eye-opening, particularly that those women aren't really sadistic, they're just hired actresses. I'm not into yoga, I think everyone should find his own healthy escape.
     
  9. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    1. I meant "desire" in the context of arousal. When I was PMOing REAL women were completely asexual to me, my dick didn't react to them but it reacted to pixel women from porn. I could masturbate when thinking about real women in femdom scenarios but couldn't get aroused to them in real life. I had lots of streaks in 2016 and it helped my situation (started feeling slight arousal to women in real life) but I still have a long way to go and now I'm 100% sure that I have to give up porn completely if I want to succeed.

    2. It's the most awkward thing to tell people about so I understand.

    4. I don't think it is perfect life to be honest, it was just producing porn :)
     
  10. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    I agree, I don't expect that but in the past I didn't feel that arousal (pre-reboot era). Nowadays things are changing.

    When it comes to telling people about your femdom fetish - with therapist it's different because he's a pro but with regular people beware that if you tell them this thing it may be used against you later. Like, it may be relieving to share this thing but on the long-term it's not the best idea IMO.

    Good luck, my friend, hopefully there's a light at the end of the tunnel :)
     
  11. BringMeBack

    BringMeBack New Member

    I joined this forum just so I can reply to this. I'm in another forum and I only used this website to read posts, until today. The reason I'm commenting is because out of all the replies you've gotten so far, so many have bypassed the fact that porn wasn't the reason for your femdom desires and that porn is only an extension of a bigger, underlying issue that certainly evolved into a femdom fetish.

    Im 41 years old, I've had femdom fantasies for close to 35 years, and finding femdom porn only enhanced a feeling I already had. This goes back to a much bigger issue in my life. My parents did all the wrong things when raising me. My father was never there, and when he was there he was abusive to me and my mother. And even she would tell me that my father hated me. I mean, this is what we call the fast track to feeling unworthy of living. My self esteem was in the gutter and I never felt like I was good enough to be someone's son, someone's friend, and definitely not someone's boyfriend.

    I always had an attraction to girls and I had crushes on them all the time. I would fantasize about kissing them and making out with them constantly. But deep inside, at a young age even, I was having fantasies that they would degrade me, humiliate me, and abuse me. Around the same time, I was exposed to triple X porn. And we're talking so young that I refused to believe adults really did this stuff. But it planted a seed and I'm most certain that it fueled a life of deranged fantasies.

    It was when I saw my first femdom-themed porn scene that I was under the impression that this was my lot in life. But I never once, for twenty-some odd years, considered that traumatic events in my past were the cause of this until I started to do the research. There is always something that made way for this line of thinking. We aren't born with the desire to engage in activity which hurts us. It is something from the past which has re-wired our brain. And porn has only strengthened those neural pathways.

    What I'm getting at is, if you want to really work on having healthy, vanilla relationships with women, you must do the work to discover, acknowledge, and de-power those sources which made you feel unworthy of that equal standing with women. Obviously quitting porn helps, but you probably need to look into therapy to work the real problems out. I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy, but if you're determined, it is possible.
     
    niskanen91 and kira like this.
  12. clean

    clean Active Member

    Yes, true to the point. Im gonna paste my post from the femdom group.

    If you want to have your life wasted this kind of a rs is a way to go. You will be ruined financially, broken emotionally and when you put children into the mix - you will experience pain you never thought was possible.

    The end result is a scary outcome. Not only will you waste your life but you will ruin young innocent lives of children you will eventually have and that is not fair. Children deserve a healthy model in their parents. How can an abusive & co-dependency type of rs be healthy and a good model for life? It cant. Fantasy is one thing but when real life events hit you like a train especially when you get older you will be suicidal.

    When you get old and you will! would you like a woman that hugs you and supports you or a woman that humiliates you and laughs at you being sick or unable to move? This is the REALLITY of life not a fantasy.

    We all deserve better. Humans dont deserve to be humiliated used and abused. Femdom has usually its root in some form of choldhood trauma that we remember or not and is NOT healthy. Antidote to femdom is love, appreciation, being taken care of, love making, intimacy, your childrens shiny eyes, your sparkling eyes knowing you are loved and that you love back.
     
  13. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    @clean @BringMeBack

    You both made excellent posts and I agree with them.

    My approach nowadays is that while I find nothing wrong with a little femdom in the bedroom (like handcuffs etc.), having full-blown femdom-themed relationship with sadistic woman like it's depicted on some femdom blogs that I used to read would be awfully harmful on the long run. As an update, I have to say that giving up porn increased my arousal in terms of vanilla so I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

    It's also good to find people who understand me - people who have those femdom fantasies, can relate to me and know exactly how f****d up it is. Because if you tell random person that you're into femdom, he or she will say "oh, people that are dominant outside sometimes are submissive in the bedroom. not a big deal". But IT IS a big deal. Masturbating to being abused, cheated on, humiliated and tortured is f******g sick. Making it reality is even worse. Everyone of us had women interested in them, some of them were attractive, smart, charming human beings with wonderful personality and we rejected them. Why? Because they weren't the monsters who could hurt us.

    By the way, it's the most unnatural fetish to have. Like seriously, if we think about it, even things like shemales, zoophilia or maledom are more natural:
    1) In real life, if a woman is into you she wants to give you pleasure, not pain. She wants to love you and wants to be loved back. And women who want to hurt you would never entertain the idea of entering relationship with you.
    2) So if woman wants to dominate you it turns into a joke - she wants to dominate you ONLY to satisfy you and gain your acceptance.
    2.1) If the thing above doesn't happen and she's natural sadist, I think there's no love, you both are just fetish-disposal machines for eachother.
    3) Being dominated by someone much weaker just feels unnatural.

    I also think that most of us aren't really "submissive". I've been to few femdom forums and outside of bedroom, the idea of femdom relationship is totally crazy. Can we picture ourselves being ordered by a woman to clean the house and generally bend to her every whim in real life, outside the bedroom? I mean, I tried to be "submissive" to a girls in real life and it feels unnatural as fk to me, not to mention that it's a big turn-off for them. In reality, women are biologically and socially submissive to us and there's no other way around it, that's how biology works. She is scared to piss you off, that's why women tend to avoid conflicts with men, they usually tend to avoid eye contact for a longer periods of time, they smile a lot (sign of submissiviness), they usually adapt to a man when they enter relationship etc. Of course, there are also weak men who can't make woman naturally submit to him but I think that deep inside women are unhappy in those relationships.

    To answer the question I asked in the title: "Femdom, what if it's who I really am?", the answer is I'm worth more than being a piece of shit that deserves to be humiliated and cheated on.
     
    BringMeBack likes this.
  14. clean

    clean Active Member

    A good one buddy!
     
  15. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    @niskanen91 Hello, I know this thread has not had any activity for a while, but I just finished reading through your posts. I noticed quite a big change in how you began your thread- speaking about Femdom potentially being part of who you are, and concluded by suggesting that it might not be afterall.

    I am now 30 years old and Femdom has been the only thing that has turned me on for well over 10 years. I've spent 10+ years completely denying in my mind that this part of me even exists! 10+ years of hating myself for being turned on by this stuff, 10+ years of wishing it would "just go away" (it never does).

    If Femdom is something that you have always found arousing, what happens if you still find Femdom turns you on in 5 years? Or 10 years? Or 20 years? The question really is: How many more years of your life do you want to spend beating yourself up over this?

    So in answer to your question, "Is femdom a part of who I really am?" - in my opinion, yes, it probably is. But that in itself, actually is not the problem. The problem arises because of how you (or me, or anyone else with a Femdom fetish) deals with it.

    We all face essentially two choices when it comes to our sexuality:
    1). We can accept them and embrace them
    2). We can deny them, feel ashamed and try to push them away

    Now here is my theory: Short of getting rid of our sex drive completely, your sexual feelings need a way to express themselves. They will always find an outlet somehow. And that outlet will either be a healthy one, or an unhealthy one. Accepting and embracing ourselves leads to healthy outlets for sexuality. Denying & shaming ourselves leads to unhealthy, compulsive outlets for sexuality. It's that simple.

    So it's not having a sexual preference for Dominant women that is the problem here. The problem lies in our own shame and self-hate and trying to "get rid of" our own sexual needs. It is doing this which leads to the "ugly" expressions of our sexuality.

    I believe that in the specific case of having a sexual preference for Dominant women, the "ugly expression" can be seen in things like degrading, humiliating Femdom porn, or fantasises of women ruining your life, treating you like shit ect. It's worth mentioning that there are a lot of guys out there feeling ashamed of their Femdom desires, which drives up the demand for this type of material. Many degrading POV style femdom fantasy videos are actually "custom requests" from men.

    This phenomena is no different to someone who is homosexual, trying to deny their own sexuality leading to so much secrecy & self-hate that when they get aroused, they act out in ways that are damaging to themselves, such as looking at "gay abuse porn".

    If you want to stop compulsively engaging in femdom humilation porn, the worst thing you could do would be to go on a crusade to rid yourself of sexual desires toward dominant women, because while you may repress them for a while, eventually, they will find an outlet- and you'll hate yourself for "giving in"- starting the whole cycle all over again.

    Actually, by accepting Femdom is something you are into, that it is a part of you, and embracing it, ironically, I have found the appeal of things like "femdom humiliation porn" has decreased dramatically, and instead you can be free to enjoy Female Domination scenarios in a more healthy way.

    Anyway, those are just my thoughts and opinions. Everyone is different, but I hope whichever path you ended up taking that it has worked out for you.
     
    Last edited: Oct 29, 2017
  16. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    @breaking_free

    Hello, thanks for your input and sorry that my reply is so late.

    I have now quite some experience with NoFap and it has changed the way I see my problem, maybe it will help you as well. For me personally, I'm almost sure that while femdom is something that arouses me in fantasies, it can't really work in real life (as I said before) and moreover my (and our) problem isn't femdom itself but usage of porn. For years, I have made FALSE assumption that I'm submissive, masochist etc., while it's not quite true in real life. I shaped my sexuality around femdom porn and it was my only sexual outlet. Until I started NoFap I didn't feel ANY AROUSAL AT ALL to women in real life. None. After being porn-free I could feel arousal to women in real-life and the level of arousal wasn't determined by how "dominant" they are but based on looks. Moreover, I tried some self-BDSM things that I won't mention and they were either not intensive enough or distracting me from being aroused (quite contrary to what I believed previously). I can't say that it applies to you or anyone else but in my case, the core problem wasn't fantasy in particular but using porn. I suspect that majority of people on this forum won't be able to fix their sexual problems if they don't give up the porn.
     
  17. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    Hi, thanks for your reply and it's good to hear you're feeling positive about the results of your NoFap journey.

    I'm always very wary of giving advice on forums like this, because it can be risky to make assumptions about people- we're all here for different reasons and no "one solution" will work for everyone. So what I said in my last post and this are just my opinions, and if what you are doing is working for you then that's great.

    The reason I posted what I did was to add a variety of opinions to the thread. Most of the forums I see (not necessarily this one) where a guy posts something similar to what you did are met overwhelmingly with the opinion that being into Femdom = bad, that unless you "get rid of" this, no woman will ever want you (99% of the time, it's another man posting this).

    I happen to disagree with that viewpoint.

    I'm not saying someone should accept the idea of masturbating compulsively to degrading & humiliating pornography. What I am saying is that if someone happens to be into Femdom, they shouldn't beat themselves up over that.

    For some people, Femdom may be an entirely porn induced thing. But for others, it may be a part of who they are. If it's part of who someone is, then it's just my opinion that trying to force yourself to "get rid of" that part of yourself is going to prove psychologically harmful and actually make things worse.

    If liking Femdom is a part of who someone is, then the worst possible thing they can do is embark on a crusade to "get rid of it". In fact its the "getting rid of it" that will in itself cause all of the secretive "acting out" and compulsive behaviour (also known as the development of a shadow self).

    Instead, a far better plan would be to learn to accept themselves for liking Femdom, and seek to remove the harmful expressions of Femdom from their lives (degrading, humiliating pornography) and replace them with better things (like a loving relationship, where mild domination themes are explored).

    Either way, it sounds as though perhaps Femdom could have simply been a porn induced thing for you, and if you've reached a point where you are no longer troubled by your sexual tastes, then this is a great step. One thing we agree on- getting rid of harmful pornography is always a step forward.
     
    Last edited: Nov 12, 2017
  18. ukbritishbloke

    ukbritishbloke New Member

    I've joined the forums just to answer this, really. I'm pleased you're making progress and getting away from the FemDom porn.

    I'm a man with some serious fetishes (not FemDom, as it happens) that I know, from my life history, well predated internet porn, and that I *don't want* to get rid of. I just want to be rid of porn. I don't think it matters, from the short-term point of view of rebooting, whether the FemDom thing is porn-induced or really part of you. I think you'll find that out as you reboot and improve yourself, and you'll see the way ahead more clearly.

    If you find FemDom isn't really what you want, then great. Just leave it behind and enjoy your new life without porn and without the fetish it induced in you.

    But if the FemDom thing is a real part of you, that doesn't mean you have to "give up" or accept the whole porn thing. You'll still be hugely better off without porn.

    I think it *is* possible for a man to be in a healthy FemDom relationship, that isn't linked to porn fantasy but is more about love and emotional rewards, and doing the shopping and so on. There are few women out there who really want to be in charge in a relationship, but they do exist. And they are interested not in out-of-control, addicted men but in "together", outstanding men who are capable of being an excellent "junior officer" to her "commanding officer". I think being able to say, honestly, that you never watch porn and do not masturbate is likely to make you more interesting to one of those rare women. It'll show you're in command of yourself, and that your fantasies aren't in command of you.

    So I'd say, keep rebooting and become the best possible man you can be. If you're able to leave behind your attraction to FemDom, great. If it's truly part of you, it's just as much reason to stay free of PMO and become the best man you can be. In time, when PMO is far behind you, when you're in good shape and the best man you can be, use a suitable dating site (in a slow, steady, non-addictive way) and try as soon as possible to *meet in real life* a woman who wants a female-led relationship. Never do porn again, drop fantasy, never, ever pay any "dominatrix", and avoid FemDom blogs or using fetish dating sites to chat with or look up lots of women in a PSUB type of way.
     
  19. breaking_free

    breaking_free Member

    I completely agree with every word of this. Very sound and reasonable advice there.

    One additional point to add - IF Femdom does turn out to be a part of you, as I mentioned in previous posts, it wont be the Femdom that is the problem, it will be how you feel about yourself for being into Femdom that will be the key issue.

    It may be that deep down, what you actually are longing for is a loving, Female led relationship of some kind. Or simply a loving relationship, where your partner is willing to incorporate some mild domination based themes into your sex life.

    But if you cannot bring yourself to accept these basic longings, and you feel deeply ashamed of yourself for even being into Femdom, if you invest all of your energy into hating that "this is what you are into", worrying that "no woman will ever want me", trying to "get rid of it" <<-- this is where all the problems begin.

    As soon as you start pouring shame and scorn on your own sexual needs, and trying to repress them, you actually turn them into compulsions. Your natural tendency to seek a partner who you can healthily explore things with, becomes replaced with secretive, shame filled "acting out".

    You may even find yourself trying to date partners who are not into Femdom, just to prove a point to your own self, only to find these relationships struggle because your sexual needs are not in alignment.

    If someone feels dreadful about themselves for liking Femdom, they may be driven to compulsively seek Femdom porn that contains themes of humiliation and degradation- because these things mirror & reflect perfectly how they feel about themselves.

    On the other hand, If you can work through all of your internal issues and arrive at a point where you truly accept yourself for being into Femdom, and can tell yourself: "It's OK" , this can be extremely freeing. You'll feel a lot better about yourself, which will make you more attractive to the types of women you may wish to date. Your urges to view porn will decrease, and your natural drive to find a healthy relationship will return.

    All of this advice is purely based on if you find out Femdom is a part of you. If it's not, then that's absolutely fine too. Either way, the goal to remove unhealthy forms of porn is definitely a great idea.
     
  20. Abhishek1152

    Abhishek1152 New Member

    Bro
    Bro i am exactly in same boat. Found finally someone like me. Give me your contact no. I want to talk to u
     

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