Femdom, what if it's who I really am?

Hey fanatic thats great to hear man! Keep doing well in your life

What I meant was that if you have started watching it since teenage years like me and have only watched that then your brain will be wired deeply to it. It needs time to heal. I don't even know what my sexuality is without porn. (I m very sure its straight vanilla though). Only after you have rebooted for a while, you can start thinking clearly. Its a process. If you keep thinking about it all the time then your mind will not get sufficient time to reboot. Try NoA. Whatever you focus on, grows.

Many people say that these fetishes are normal but it personally doesn't appeal me to have such kind of relationship in real life. Good luck man.

 

I couldn't have vanilla sex but then again I'm inexperienced and maybe it'd be wise to spend some time with the chick (build some trust & love) before even trying?

@kira

What is NoA?

And yes, my brain is deeply wired to it. That's sad. I don't know either what's my sexuality, at this moment vanilla sex is impossible for me and when I go meet non-dominant chick I'm not even excited, prospect of meeting dominant chick made me hard instantly though. That's why I'm asking if anyone was on the same boat and managed to overcome it.

 

Check "The no arousal method celibacy of mind & body" thread in pornographic addiction section by big book of penis.

Its helping me a lot to stay on track. Well there are people who have overcame worse fetishes. Some even reported that they were completely different people after their reboot. I read a few stories on ybop about ppl recovering from hocd. Cant find the links right now.

There were a few success stories on femdom too but eventually those guys relapsed again.

Any success story might be applicable to you as most addiction share similar brain changes.

I am not an expert and I dont know any real life examples of people successfully recovered from femdom, Sorry. But that doesn't mean they don't exist.

Just have faith

 

Did you check the femdom group? There was an article shared by someone regarding this guy who owned one of the most successful porn sites(femdom) but he shut down later on as he realized how much had this affected him. His site was very successful because he himself was hooked on femdom so he knew what people expected.

 

The site your are referring is this

http://www.young-goddess.com/

It is a blog now. Non-triggering.

What is a bit of an eye opener for me is this interview. There is a poster of the girl. Other than that the interview itself if pretty non-triggering.

http://loveandradio.org/2015/03/thank-you-princess/

What really blew my mind. Like, I was always like blown away by how the fdom girls just seem to hit that sweet spot of knowing what to do and say to turn me on. In fact...they have NO idea. What they do is just take the description of the scenario from us guys and make it happen. I remember one video where I was just fuck... How does she know exactly what to say. It is actually based on what the guy who ordered the custom clip described and influenced her to say.

I am actually getting turned on to some guy's fantasy, which he described in great detail to a fdom girl, who made a video out of it. Mind = blown.

I remember when I was maybe 16ish, I watched vanilla. But then after few years 99.9% of the time it is fetish/fdom videos.

When I got a few streaks here and there in no-P, it had interest again in vanilla P.

The community guidelines are clear. 90 days No-P. This is currently state-of-the-art what we know about recovery. Go 90 days without any P.

Ideas are cheap. Execution is everything. Let's do this!

What if Fdom and P is only a misguided fantasy? What if vanilla relationship is actually more fulfilling that fdom can ever be? Will we prefer vanilla after 90 days? Will the fantasies vanish after 90 days?

There is only one way to find out ...

Can't believe I am here for 1.5 years and still didn't managed 90 days no-P. The time is now.

 

Same here man. I have been on this forum for more than a year and in this shit for around 7-8 years.

Vanilla is a lot more fulfilling. No decent girl/women would like to treat someone like that. It makes them feel bad about themselves. Its not natural. Its disgusting. This is indeed a guys fantasy.

I am very sure that this is not who I am and this is not who I want to be. Early age porn has really fucked up things

 

Hey fanatic,

I would describe my situation as similar to yours in many respects. You will not know if this will work for you until you try it. I have been at this for a while now and while progress has been far from linear, certain things have improved.

Join the femdom group that others advised if you can. The next few months will be make or break for me in terms of rewiring... so I aim to update on there as and when I make progress.

Best of luck.

 

Hey LostCauze,

Did you get aroused during those kisses? Because normal, healthy, young male should get aroused when kissing with good-looking woman. Due to my porn use, I got only aroused twice (kissed like 12-15 women in my life), it wasn't even erection and it happened only during first kisses with those two ladies. I know what you mean, however I'd say that desire is necessary to form fulfilling relationship, if you are with a girl and she finds out that you don't desire her AT ALL (and that's my story) she'll be devastated. There's no way it's not going to affect her self-esteem.

I don't consider you a loser, however your life seems to be vicious cycle when you do self-destructive things (porn, video games) that lead to depression and no hobbies, that lead to no friends, which leads us to point one. I understand you because I suffered heavy depressions in my life as well, I was addicted to video games etc. The key for me is to find a healthy hobby (for me it's a sport). I also think that a lot of your problems are psychological, I don't think giving up porn will help in this case, it will increase your arousal to real life women.

Before discovering YBOP and realizing it's a reason why I can't get aroused by real girls, I mostly felt OK. Sometimes hated having femdom fantasies but mostly I was OK with it, my brain was trained to believe that masturbating to femdom porn was good sex-life. After realizing that it causes my erection problems, I'd say that I feel defeated after every relapse. I just feel bad. And I don't want to feel like this anymore.

Yeah, I read it and I found it quite eye-opening, particularly that those women aren't really sadistic, they're just hired actresses. I'm not into yoga, I think everyone should find his own healthy escape.

 

1. I meant "desire" in the context of arousal. When I was PMOing REAL women were completely asexual to me, my dick didn't react to them but it reacted to pixel women from porn. I could masturbate when thinking about real women in femdom scenarios but couldn't get aroused to them in real life. I had lots of streaks in 2016 and it helped my situation (started feeling slight arousal to women in real life) but I still have a long way to go and now I'm 100% sure that I have to give up porn completely if I want to succeed.

2. It's the most awkward thing to tell people about so I understand.

4. I don't think it is perfect life to be honest, it was just producing porn

 

I agree, I don't expect that but in the past I didn't feel that arousal (pre-reboot era). Nowadays things are changing.

When it comes to telling people about your femdom fetish - with therapist it's different because he's a pro but with regular people beware that if you tell them this thing it may be used against you later. Like, it may be relieving to share this thing but on the long-term it's not the best idea IMO.

Good luck, my friend, hopefully there's a light at the end of the tunnel

 

I joined this forum just so I can reply to this. I'm in another forum and I only used this website to read posts, until today. The reason I'm commenting is because out of all the replies you've gotten so far, so many have bypassed the fact that porn wasn't the reason for your femdom desires and that porn is only an extension of a bigger, underlying issue that certainly evolved into a femdom fetish.

Im 41 years old, I've had femdom fantasies for close to 35 years, and finding femdom porn only enhanced a feeling I already had. This goes back to a much bigger issue in my life. My parents did all the wrong things when raising me. My father was never there, and when he was there he was abusive to me and my mother. And even she would tell me that my father hated me. I mean, this is what we call the fast track to feeling unworthy of living. My self esteem was in the gutter and I never felt like I was good enough to be someone's son, someone's friend, and definitely not someone's boyfriend.

I always had an attraction to girls and I had crushes on them all the time. I would fantasize about kissing them and making out with them constantly. But deep inside, at a young age even, I was having fantasies that they would degrade me, humiliate me, and abuse me. Around the same time, I was exposed to triple X porn. And we're talking so young that I refused to believe adults really did this stuff. But it planted a seed and I'm most certain that it fueled a life of deranged fantasies.

It was when I saw my first femdom-themed porn scene that I was under the impression that this was my lot in life. But I never once, for twenty-some odd years, considered that traumatic events in my past were the cause of this until I started to do the research. There is always something that made way for this line of thinking. We aren't born with the desire to engage in activity which hurts us. It is something from the past which has re-wired our brain. And porn has only strengthened those neural pathways.

What I'm getting at is, if you want to really work on having healthy, vanilla relationships with women, you must do the work to discover, acknowledge, and de-power those sources which made you feel unworthy of that equal standing with women. Obviously quitting porn helps, but you probably need to look into therapy to work the real problems out. I wish you the best of luck. It's not easy, but if you're determined, it is possible.

 

Yes, true to the point. Im gonna paste my post from the femdom group.

If you want to have your life wasted this kind of a rs is a way to go. You will be ruined financially, broken emotionally and when you put children into the mix - you will experience pain you never thought was possible.

The end result is a scary outcome. Not only will you waste your life but you will ruin young innocent lives of children you will eventually have and that is not fair. Children deserve a healthy model in their parents. How can an abusive & co-dependency type of rs be healthy and a good model for life? It cant. Fantasy is one thing but when real life events hit you like a train especially when you get older you will be suicidal.

When you get old and you will! would you like a woman that hugs you and supports you or a woman that humiliates you and laughs at you being sick or unable to move? This is the REALLITY of life not a fantasy.

We all deserve better. Humans dont deserve to be humiliated used and abused. Femdom has usually its root in some form of choldhood trauma that we remember or not and is NOT healthy. Antidote to femdom is love, appreciation, being taken care of, love making, intimacy, your childrens shiny eyes, your sparkling eyes knowing you are loved and that you love back.

 

@clean @BringMeBack

You both made excellent posts and I agree with them.

My approach nowadays is that while I find nothing wrong with a little femdom in the bedroom (like handcuffs etc.), having full-blown femdom-themed relationship with sadistic woman like it's depicted on some femdom blogs that I used to read would be awfully harmful on the long run. As an update, I have to say that giving up porn increased my arousal in terms of vanilla so I see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's also good to find people who understand me - people who have those femdom fantasies, can relate to me and know exactly how f****d up it is. Because if you tell random person that you're into femdom, he or she will say "oh, people that are dominant outside sometimes are submissive in the bedroom. not a big deal". But IT IS a big deal. Masturbating to being abused, cheated on, humiliated and tortured is f******g sick. Making it reality is even worse. Everyone of us had women interested in them, some of them were attractive, smart, charming human beings with wonderful personality and we rejected them. Why? Because they weren't the monsters who could hurt us.

By the way, it's the most unnatural fetish to have. Like seriously, if we think about it, even things like shemales, zoophilia or maledom are more natural:
1) In real life, if a woman is into you she wants to give you pleasure, not pain. She wants to love you and wants to be loved back. And women who want to hurt you would never entertain the idea of entering relationship with you.
2) So if woman wants to dominate you it turns into a joke - she wants to dominate you ONLY to satisfy you and gain your acceptance.
2.1) If the thing above doesn't happen and she's natural sadist, I think there's no love, you both are just fetish-disposal machines for eachother.
3) Being dominated by someone much weaker just feels unnatural.

I also think that most of us aren't really "submissive". I've been to few femdom forums and outside of bedroom, the idea of femdom relationship is totally crazy. Can we picture ourselves being ordered by a woman to clean the house and generally bend to her every whim in real life, outside the bedroom? I mean, I tried to be "submissive" to a girls in real life and it feels unnatural as fk to me, not to mention that it's a big turn-off for them. In reality, women are biologically and socially submissive to us and there's no other way around it, that's how biology works. She is scared to piss you off, that's why women tend to avoid conflicts with men, they usually tend to avoid eye contact for a longer periods of time, they smile a lot (sign of submissiviness), they usually adapt to a man when they enter relationship etc. Of course, there are also weak men who can't make woman naturally submit to him but I think that deep inside women are unhappy in those relationships.

To answer the question I asked in the title: "Femdom, what if it's who I really am?", the answer is I'm worth more than being a piece of shit that deserves to be humiliated and cheated on.

 

A good one buddy!

 

@breaking_free

Hello, thanks for your input and sorry that my reply is so late.

I have now quite some experience with NoFap and it has changed the way I see my problem, maybe it will help you as well. For me personally, I'm almost sure that while femdom is something that arouses me in fantasies, it can't really work in real life (as I said before) and moreover my (and our) problem isn't femdom itself but usage of porn. For years, I have made FALSE assumption that I'm submissive, masochist etc., while it's not quite true in real life. I shaped my sexuality around femdom porn and it was my only sexual outlet. Until I started NoFap I didn't feel ANY AROUSAL AT ALL to women in real life. None. After being porn-free I could feel arousal to women in real-life and the level of arousal wasn't determined by how "dominant" they are but based on looks. Moreover, I tried some self-BDSM things that I won't mention and they were either not intensive enough or distracting me from being aroused (quite contrary to what I believed previously). I can't say that it applies to you or anyone else but in my case, the core problem wasn't fantasy in particular but using porn. I suspect that majority of people on this forum won't be able to fix their sexual problems if they don't give up the porn.

 

I've joined the forums just to answer this, really. I'm pleased you're making progress and getting away from the FemDom porn.

I'm a man with some serious fetishes (not FemDom, as it happens) that I know, from my life history, well predated internet porn, and that I *don't want* to get rid of. I just want to be rid of porn. I don't think it matters, from the short-term point of view of rebooting, whether the FemDom thing is porn-induced or really part of you. I think you'll find that out as you reboot and improve yourself, and you'll see the way ahead more clearly.

If you find FemDom isn't really what you want, then great. Just leave it behind and enjoy your new life without porn and without the fetish it induced in you.

But if the FemDom thing is a real part of you, that doesn't mean you have to "give up" or accept the whole porn thing. You'll still be hugely better off without porn.

I think it *is* possible for a man to be in a healthy FemDom relationship, that isn't linked to porn fantasy but is more about love and emotional rewards, and doing the shopping and so on. There are few women out there who really want to be in charge in a relationship, but they do exist. And they are interested not in out-of-control, addicted men but in "together", outstanding men who are capable of being an excellent "junior officer" to her "commanding officer". I think being able to say, honestly, that you never watch porn and do not masturbate is likely to make you more interesting to one of those rare women. It'll show you're in command of yourself, and that your fantasies aren't in command of you.

So I'd say, keep rebooting and become the best possible man you can be. If you're able to leave behind your attraction to FemDom, great. If it's truly part of you, it's just as much reason to stay free of PMO and become the best man you can be. In time, when PMO is far behind you, when you're in good shape and the best man you can be, use a suitable dating site (in a slow, steady, non-addictive way) and try as soon as possible to *meet in real life* a woman who wants a female-led relationship. Never do porn again, drop fantasy, never, ever pay any "dominatrix", and avoid FemDom blogs or using fetish dating sites to chat with or look up lots of women in a PSUB type of way.

 

Bro

Bro i am exactly in same boat. Found finally someone like me. Give me your contact no. I want to talk to u

 

I am there too stuck for 17 years in same femdom shit

 

So u also dont get aroused by vanila sex?

 

I have been in cuckold fantasy for long but after starting my current stream i am come to realiseits just hardcore hardcore ++++ porn made me only get hard too this porn category