Femdom, what if it's who I really am?

Hello, everyone.

I have a question if anyone has been in similiar boat and have succesfully completed reboot. Whenever I use porn, it's exclusively FemDom porn - since I was 14, it was the porn I quickly discovered and for the next 10 years (up until now) have been watching. I've never escalated to anything more hardcore, never was interested in other genres. Whenever I was fantasizing, it was about scenarios where I was dominated by women. I'm also 100% sure that it existed long before my porn use. I tried to have vanilla sex (failed with erection) and it seems that the only thing that excites me is being submissive. My penis doesn't react to casual/vanilla scenarios but gets hard when I think about femdom scenarios.

I was suspecting PIED but the reality is that I can easily get hard using only my imagination and light touch. I've read lots of femdom-related topics here but in almost every case, usage of femdom porn was the result of escalating from softcore stuff, I think that it makes my case different. After 30 days of no PMO, I still had zero interest in vanilla relationship but actually messaged dominant chick on fetish site.

I also read that "men shouldn't be submissive in the bedroom", "men are supposed to take charge" etc. bla, bla but what if it is the only thing that gets me hard? I know it's paraphillia but it can't be cured, you don't choose what arouses you sexually (just think about it, could you train yourself to be aroused by crocodiles or I don't know people older than 90 years old?), I think that for me the only way to have succesful sex-live outside of porn is to act out on those fantasies.

I think that giving up porn would be still smart decision (to achieve erection in real-life situations) but expecting to turn from the person that was always and exclusively into femdom and never got excited by vanilla stuff is completely irrational. It's like saying that you could cure pedophiles by abstaining from acting on it/viewing porn or that you could cure homosexual people.

The only thing that worries me is how do you tell your partner that you're a man who can only get excited by being completely dominated and controlled in bed (and possibly also humiliated)

TL;DR:
- used femdom porn for 10 years
- didn't escalate anywhere
- never excited by vanilla
- i feel it's time to accept my sexuality and act on it

 

You likely picked up some form of domination from a life event or a movie when you were younger and fantasized about it in your dreams... and then began to fantasize about it during MO.

Our base desire is vanilla sex. That is our coding... to reproduce. When I first started P, vanilla was the best. Then over the years my tastes changed to a point where vanilla did nothing for me, then eventually nothing worked. I became completely asexual. Even after multiple streaks of many months without P my libido is still gone.

Any fantasy is damaging to your recovery. Never fantasize. Fantasy is P.

 

To be honest I don't remember my dreams but my mother was (and still is) quite borderline - she'd show you her affection (saying she loves you, hugging you and smiling at you) only to scream at you later, take her knife and tell you that she's going to kill you. I think this could be the reason, I forgiven her but I think it may have affected my development and who I am today.

Yes but the question is if people with paraphilia are capable of doing that. I mean - thoughts of vanilla sex never got me aroused, what arouses me is being submissive to the women I find sexually attractive.

I feel sorry for you and wish you to recover quickly. I think that your case is different than mine - thoughts of vanilla sex (without me being submissive) were never arousing to me. I was visiting femdom-related sites about one year before my first orgasm! I didn't "escalate" like most of people here, I was always into this stuff. And my libido isn't non-existent, my libido makes me want to act on my fetish.

 

Wow. Sorry your mother treated you like that. That is definitely the cause of your femdom addiction.

As for dreams, they create subconscious protocols of how to live your life, whether you remember them or not. You unfortunately developed pathways that associate affection with anger and mental torture.

If you want to have kids and give them a great life, you don't want their mother to be into degrading their father for pleasure. If you don't want to try to change for yourself, change for your future children. And if you don't want kids... maybe you will after you recover.

 

The problem, to be honest, isn't "femdom" addiction - I watched porn very rarely for the last year. The problem is that my penis only (aka I only feel sexual arousal) (TRIGGER) in scenarios where I fantasize about being woman's sub, where dynamics is quite clearly that I'm below her so:
- penis in vagina intercourse doesn't arouse me at all unless I'm dominated entirely and she wants to ride me
- performing oral on her is arousing only if it's done in a manner where I'm clearly submissive (she stands, I kneel etc.), she orders me to do it
- blowjobs aren't arousing almost at all, maybe they would be mildly arousing if I was dominated entirely
- fetish lingerie/clothing excites me, naked body does not
- rest of arousing stuff is not vanilla-related, however I know I wouldn't like to perform extreme stuff in real life (/TRIGGER)

I do want to have kids. And you are right but it would mean either:
- not enjoying sex with the mother of my children, which is a horrible scenario if you think about it
- setting double standards because if I'm f****d up in a kinky way, how can I judge woman who's also fu***d up in a kinky way?

Also, I wouldn't want my kids to know about my kink, it's quite obvious.

The problem is that while giving up porn entirely is the sure way to go, I don't think it will change my sexual submission. It will improve my erection but what can I do next? Every scenario has some cons if you think about it:

1) visit pro dommes - absolutely the worst long-term strategy and I don't want to do that.
2) find domme girl via fetlife - my odds are very low, dom-sub ratio is very low and the girl has to be good looking as well and our fetishes must be at least to some level compatible.
3) try to find domme in real life/via tinder - here the good thing is that i can make sure that chick is good looking/good personality but the reputation risk is insanely high here. like, you wouldnt want your family/friends/coworkers want to know that you're submissive male
4) try to find vanilla girl in real life/via tinder - wouldnt work. im 100% sure i cant get hard to vanilla so this would be extremely frustrating for both parties.
5) continue to pretend that masturbation is fulfilling sex-life.

Can't win here

 

Porn is only an escalation of fantasy. In some people, fantasy is even more intense than porn. If you continue to fantasize to test yourself, you will not decrease your domination pathways. You have 10 years of domination P still in your brain and when you recall it, you keep those pathways fresh.

So, don't MO, don't even think about MO... and when you get to the point that you can MO without P or fantasy... never start fantasizing again. You shouldn't have to fantasize to MO. If you have to fantasize, you are MOing too much. When you're healed, just hugging and kissing a girl should turn you on.

 

Hi fanatic

I have similar story with femdom. Was hooked on it since the start. Now I have escalated to more disturbing and degrading stuff in femdom. Trust me this is not who you are.

Dont try to act on your fantasies in real life. Its not a good idea. Stop thinking about this stuff altogether. Focus on building your life. Build a good foundation. Small steps everyday.

Femdom is a bad disease. It has got in our heads. No man would like to be treated that way. Trust me, this is not who you are. In any relationship there is always a mutual trust and respect for each other and no women would truly like to do this shit. It makes them feel bad and guilty about themself.

Once you have gone a long way in your reboot and if you have constantly taken action to improve your life this shit will have no power over you. I promise. Stop doubting and have faith.

There are guys on this forum who have tried this in real life and they have regretted it.

Please dont be so specific about what turns you on. It can be triggering for other members. Stop thinking about what turns you on and what doesn't. Feel free to pm me. Work on your self-esteem. Self improvement is the key

 

Hello kira!

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this as well. Actually - why isn't it a good idea? I'm 100% sure I wouldn't like to do extreme femdom stuff but the light one - why not? I couldn't get hard in vanilla scenarios so if I get hard while being sub, wouldn't it mean that I'm a natural sub?

I mean, I understand the importance of giving up porn but I don't think I will be ever able to enjoy vanilla sex because it never aroused me. Is there anyone on this forum who:
- was always into femdom stuff (not as a result of escalation),
- never got aroused by vanilla thoughts,
- tried vanilla sex and didn't enjoy it (in my case, I didn't even get hard during foreplay etc),
- gave up femdom and had succesful sex life?

sure, yeah, I agree that it is a bad disease - sexual masochism is paraphilia. But from what I've read you can't cure paraphilias. Your second part makes logical sense in terms of emotional well-being and leading normal life but I disagree with "no man would like to be treated that way" - in terms of sexual arousal, I actually would! I know this isn't perceived as normal but then again if:

- a man needs emotional/physical pain to get aroused
- a woman needs it to get aroused

What else can you do?

It has no power over me, since August 2015, I've used femdom porn less than 15 times. I'm also improving my life. The problem is that I want to start building sexual life and if vanilla never aroused me, how can I even make it happen? start foreplay with a girl, only to destroy her self-esteem when she notices that she's aroused and wet, while I'm totally soft?

sure, if I act on it, I may become one of them. but let's say that I give up entirely porn and don't act on femdom fantasies for 5 years. i'll be 30 years old then and most likely I won't enjoy sexual activities in which I'm not a sub? Let's say, I find a vanilla wife (never tell her that I'm into it), this will force either:
- lifetime of extreme sexual frustration for me
- emotional disattachment during sex
- probability of me cheating on her
- probability of her cheating on me

This is what makes me try it (maybe I'll build a somewhat healthy relationship) where our common interest is making femdom fanasies reality in the bedroom. Because I don't believe I could be cured from paraphilia.

Alright, I'll try not to trigger others anymore, I'm sorry. I'm working on myself, this time, I need to fix "who I am sexually" part

 

I have always watched femdom porn. It all started with YouTube videos 8 years back. I cant tell you how this has destroyed my self esteem and perception.

Speaking for myself I dont think its normal but I still get a lot harder with femdom compared to vanilla. But I dont want that. I had a rough childhood and had low self confidence and this is when femdom started feeding on my weakness.

All I am saying is that give sometime to your reboot when you are completely away from femdom porn, then make a decision because there is a high probability that femdom porn may have affected your thinking.

Your self esteem should not be affected by this.

There is a group on the forum specially addressing this issue. You must check it out in groups and meet up section.

Just be sure if it is porn induced or not.

I am just a well wisher and hope the best for you take care

 

Well, thank you for your warm words. I'll check out this group. My plan right now is:

- try to date both vanilla and domme girls, and not do anything I wouldn't be comfortable with
- stay away from porn/fantasy forever (relapses may happen but I'll try my best to avoid them)
- continue focusing on improving my life
- visit psychologist

And we will see what future brings.

 

Just fapped for the last time to this type of porn and realized:

- those girls are actresses and tbh they're pretty bad
- it's completely not realistic
- I had girls interested in me but instead I've chosen to use this femdom circus as my sexual outlet

Time to get back to reality. My whole sexual outlet was done to fantasy/porn, it's pathetic. I'm almost 25 and didn't have succesful relationship with the girl because of this. It's time to become a man!

 

Then how do you explain gay people's sexual desire? Homosexuality has nothing to do with nature of evolution or reproduce, and people don't call it a paraphilia any more.

To OP, I have multiple fetish hobbies, which was developed during my early childhood, yet escalated by high speed porn.
I don't think you can totally eliminate your femdom desire if it wasn't caused by porn, but you may develop a new path for vanilla sex in your brain. At least that's my experience.
Just go out and date woman, but don't rush. Just focus on emotion.
I tried to use vanilla porn to rewire my taste, but it doesn't work and feels... strange.
Also, control your femdom fantasy, it's as bad as porn.

 

Shemales would be perfect for you

 

@fanatic

I don't know about femdom as it's not my cup of tea. But I do think that a lot of the advice and mentality on this forum towards the variety of sexual practices are dogmatic and infantile.

I don't believe porn to be the source of all our fetishes or sexual preferences. Sure, some behaviours may be reinforced by porn but I don't think this is true in all cases.

I have always been attracted to older women ever since I was a boy. For many years it was all I thought about when masturbating and I always felt more sexually excited as well as got harder than usual when I was around an older woman I found attractive rather than a girl my age.

I felt this way long before I ever saw any porn with mature women in it.

*TRIGGER WARNING*

Also, vanilla sex never really got me going. Since I recovered from chronic ED, me and my GF have what I suppose some would consider kinky sex at a regular basis: anal (me penetrating her), rimming (we both enjoy doing it on eachother), ATM, mouthfucking, assfingering (me on her).

To us these things are "staples" and not something we consider "extras". I have always fantasized and been excited by anal sex and facials way before I ever saw them depicted in porn. So there is no way porn is the sole provider of my sexual preferences.

I can have vanilla sex (whatever that means), but I am more excited by certain things such as anal sex, rimming and my girl performing intense cock play on me.

*END OF TRIGGER WARNING*

Throughout my teens and as a young man (I am 41 now) I felt an intense sexual rush when being with a mature woman I found attractive which was miles away from what I would feel with a girl my own age. Like I said, I felt this way long before I ever saw mature women in porn. It was simply the way I was wired.

I do believe some of us are hardwired one way or another from the beginning or from early childhood. Claiming that one can get used to vanilla and should rewire to this is - i don't think - something that we have full control over. Nor may this even be desirable to everyone unless you're sexual preferences are illegal, dangerous or causing you or others harm.

Human sexuality is complex as is what turns as on as individuals. Claiming that the main source of sexual preferences and/or kinks and fetishes is porn, is not accurate in all cases, to my mind at least.

Most people would hardly try to convince homosexuals to "rewire" to heterosexual practices because something (watching gay/lesbian porn or what have you) made them gay or lesbian. Nor would you find very many people trying to convince heterosexuals to "rewire" to bisexual or homosexual practices by explaining to them that they're heterosexual due to their having watched porn, which is predominantly geared toward heterosexual practices between a man and a woman.

I also believe it is more socially acceptable for women to state very specific sexual preferences (older men, S/M, bisexuality, etc.) than it is for men. Perhaps this is linked to what is considered masculine and sometimes also linked to the high expectations of erectile response and functioning in men.

Some of us have certain specific preferences, kinks and fetishes that may be hardwired in us from very early on and not have anyting to do with porn. As long as these are not illegal or harmful to anyone they can be seen as facets of the complex variations of human sexuality and should in most cases perhaps be accepted.

 

@ChaosGrinder
Did you manage to build "vanilla" sex-life after giving up porn? If so, maybe there's hope for me.

@inurgentneedofhelp
I have zero interest in shemales.

@Recovered
I can relate to your story, I've always found older women (about 30 y. o.) more sexually appealing than my peers. One thing that I think is different, though, is that your kink doesn't make you submissive, in fact, you're quite dominant by telling your GF to do those things. Your post makes a lot of sense and it's very helpful input.

---

I've started my reboot but there are so many things that I don't understand, I don't know if I can find people that were in the similiar situation and succesfully completed reboot. I know that time will show me the answer but I wonder about a lot of things:

1) I sometimes wonder what would happen if there was no porn. I mean, I'd be born this way, have the same upbringing but never encounter porn. In this case, even though my "submissive desires" would probably be present I'd never have idea of latex, leather, whips, handcuffs, chastity belts, this whole BDSM world so I wouldn't crave it because I wouldn't know it exists. So in this sense, some of fetishes are indeed porn induced. After "awakening" I noticed that femdom porn is in fact totally brainwashing.

2) I wonder how will my sexuality work after reboot because right now I consider myself psychologically impotent. I don't even know if it's porn induced ED because there are so many differences to "regular" symptoms:
- I can get morning woods and generally there are no physical erection problems (as opposed to most members here).
- I can bring myself to orgasm easily
- dates/intimacy are actually making me anxious/frightened instead of excited and to be honest I don't want to go on them. However when I tried to set up with dominant (non-pro) woman I was hard just by thinking about it.
- I don't consider myself to be able to have vanilla sex, it's really hard to explain it but I don't feel worthy of being equal to woman and I feel zero arousal by vanilla.
- I never got hard to another person just by touching her, being next to her (it only happened with escorts, the first one performed oral on me but my penis didn't react AT ALL, I stimulated myself, got hard, tried penetrating her but I'd go soft, the second one, couldn't make me hard for a long time until she used death grip technique for like 7-10 minutes). Other than that, even if I kissed girls (I kissed like 12 girls so far) in "real life" scenarios, there was almost no arousal at all.

Once again, it may have been (to a degree) caused by brainwashing done by watching femdom porn and imagining femdom scenarios but the most succesful recoveries were done by people who had much better starting point.

3) I don't know what I should aim for. I have NO IDEA how my penis should react in vanilla scenarios because it does not react to kissing, touching and thought of sex with a woman. In fact, the last one makes me anxious, not excited - anxious because I know I'd fail again and I'd have to tell her that in order to be aroused I have to be humiliated. Has anyone else been in the same shoes? I don't even understand what I want from the women I meet.

A lot of people say that their porn addiction made it harder to have sex but for me it's completely impossible to have sex. I can't imagine myself:

- sleeping in the bed with woman I find sexually attractive
- getting hard without her humiliating/controlling/dominating me
- not being awfully anxious during sex with her

Anyone was like this and managed to succesfully recover?

 

Stop thinking soo much about sex right now of any kind.

Focus on your goals and rebuild your life. Once you start taking positive action everyday you will start to feel better in a few months time. Your self-esteem will increase.

Things will fall in place and you will get an answer to all your doubts but right now just have faith and reboot.

The world we see is just a reflection of our inner world. And realize that this is a marathon and not a 100m sprint. It takes time and you may still be doubtful but one year from now your life will be completely different from what it is now, provided you take appropriate steps.

 

I also have a fetish for female domination but in the form of ladyboys. I have tried to fight this fetish for over two years, but I have never been able to escape it. Trying to fight off fetishes is very unhealthy imho, I think the best thing you can do is accept your domination fetish but practice it in moderation.

 

Quick point: I do not "tell" my GF to do anything. I neither want to have the power over her to tell her to do things she doesn't want to do herself nor would she let me. She is independent and strong-willed. What we do in bed is completely mutual. Important.

 

@Recovered
Alright, as an inexperienced man, I'll keep your words in mind!

@inurgentneedofhelp
Okay, so we're in similiar boat (except I'm not into ladyboys). Could you be more specific about your battle and how you lost it? Did you manage to not watch porn and indulge your fetish during those 2 years? Can you get hard for vanilla sex?

@kira
I'm happy with my life in every aspect except... sexual. I'm majoring in business on top university in my country, I have good friends, have hobbies etc. I'm asking because I'm really curious if someone has been in the same situation and managed to "generate" interest in vanilla sex. I never got hard (without death-grip stimulation) to anyone in my life and I'm almost 25. It's worrying me. I don't even know if it's PIED.

 

My longest period witihout porn was about 3-4 weeks. I can mostly still have vanilla sex. I was scared the fetish would take over and make it impossible to get turned on by vanilla sex, but over the years I have learned this is an irrational fear.