Hi Everyone, i have waited many years before trying to tackle this issue, i thought i can "will my way out of it" then i resorted to thinking that "I am born this way", to eventually resigning to resentment and passive acceptance that i will be like this forever. i resent the fact that i am this way, waking up every morning thinking that i may never find love, or that i need to find "unconventional woman" that always end up in a disappointment. i reached to a point that i don't believe that i will find love. But what is life without hope, i now know that my enemy is my addiction and desire to femdom porn. as a child, i was left alone at home from a really early age. i had access to mature content tv channels which ignited this process in my head. i was fantasizing about being abducted by a neighbouring woman, and those fantasies continued with me, thinking of my teachers, older girls than me. they were fantasies of being dominated, controlled, and held against my will by those women and that was very arousing. fast forward to the age of 12, first time to stumble accross porn on the internet, it was not exciting, but shocking, it was not until i was 14 that i stumbled accross femdom porn, and it took me by a storm. it was like i finally found what i was looking for. i was so happy that what i was thinking about exists! and my exploration journey started. internet femdom interests increased gradually, whenever i stumbled into something new i was in shock for few days or sometimes weeks, then i would go back and start consuming it more and more, until eventually i became interested into severe extreme femdom which is what i watch now. i still enjoy milder femdom at times, but it is the severe form that i engage in the most. my femdom journey involved mostly internet, introducing the subject to girlfriends who would try it may be in the mildest form, but then it would not follow. it distracted me from finding love, it affected my sexual desire, potency and now i am in a place where my career is not moving forward as fast as i would have hoped. Life brings alot to the table, and during past years i started to have friends, interests, people that i care about in my life that would want me to be successful. I am also alone, in a foreign country to my childhood one with no family around. i need compassion and support more than any other time and this addiction is blocking the main door towards a fulfilling relationship, a balanced social life, or even time and energy for hobbies, work or social life. i am lucky in a way that i have a career, a future that i am still aspiring to, i have no STDs, and i have not had any public scandals yet. i have held back hard against visiting pro dommes, howevere i have done so few times in the past, 4 times in 8 years, and i am not going to do it any other time. i am determined to stop this addiction, but i am hopeful to find a space for it in a relationship, with a real person as part of a life together rather than a financialised commodity as it is now. i wish i can just get rid of it and be free, then i wouldn't have to worry about it but until then, my main hope is to stop it as an addiction, eventually meet someone that i like and build a relationship with that person hoping for these urges to find their way naturally between us. my journey starts today, wish me the best of luck thank you for reading my testimony Joe
my first day away from perversion, i cancelled my second phone number, cancelled my secret Twitter account, and about to cancel my fetlife account, i am listening to this show on Youtube, John Deloney, man he is good and the discussions are amazing and have an awakening value in them, i feel blessed that i have this opportunity to share and be open, being vulnerable here in front of the whole world is difficult but i am determined to continue walking this path all the best for you all, if you have any suggestions of any therapy shows or discussions, please share them with me salutes
https://www.recoverynation.com/recovery/recovery_workshop_contents.php This workshop is helping me currently. Don't get discouraged by the amount of lessons, if you choose to, do them at your own pace (preferably no more than one per day). It is resonating with me a lot. The author is really good at describing why I was watching porn and what is lacking in my life and the actions required. I don't know if it will do so with you, I'd give it a shot though. It's helping me create a vision for my future, decide what values are important to me and design action plans around that, etc. (so far).
5 days clear, no rebound, but those were the easy five days as i was working, the weekend coming now and i need to stay strong. i think i may go to the gym and study as well, that will be good. also, talking to friends and catching up with family. i am sure this will keep me busy and involved. i don't find the urge in me but again, i was quite busy at work. wish me best of luck. i really feel accepted and supported here team, what an honour and an opportunity to be here between good people like yourselves with your support and kindness
Saturday is almost over, holding strong i saw the movie Crash 2004, what a movie, it is an eye opener about human behaviour and how people interact in society, but it is quite sad though, it leaves a depressed feeling in one's heart. then, i tried to watch another oldie: harold and kumar escape guantanamo, i had to skip few scenes but i enjoyed a hearty laugh. did a little bit of exercise as well, just a little bit though, i definitely need to exercise more. anyway, i wish that you all are enjoying your weekend ^_^
16 days without the poison of pornography in my system, i cannot believe the shackles i was put in for the past years. i understand now how much dignity i have lost and how i imaged myself to be less valuable. i am more energetic, self confident and i have more ability to say NO, saying no to temptation, to requests, to people, and for time wasting. it is not easy, i feel tempted to visit the "old friend" sometimes, especially when it is hard or when i feel stressed, but i say tomyself that i have lost my self respect more than once and i don't want to do that again. i am very content for the time being and every day passes by, i feel more guarded against this evil, but i am fearful of falling back. i am not in meetings or in a program to fight addiction, all i have is this forum, and you my friends, i am open here to you all and i gain my strength from you. thank you for standing by me and staying with me, each positive comment means the world to me. i am sure there will be one day where i will hit "zero days" again, but till that would not be failure, that will be a beginning of a new streak, i am detoxifying and this may be difficult. wish me luck !
