Ok I'm starting a journal. This is gonna be tough, as I'm a pretty reserved person and a terrible writer but I'm going to try. I've been watching femdom fetish porn since 15, I'm 20 now. I don't know exactly how I got into it, but over the years I've gotten into more and more questionable and extreme content. So far I've done a pretty decent job at keeping my addiction hidden away from the rest of my life. I have great friends, decent social skills, decent looks and I dated a girl for 8 months. But lately I feel as though the 7 years of watching that sort of content has actually gotten to me. It's hard for me to sum up everything in words (I'll go into more detail later), but over the past year, my self esteem, although it's always been low, has plummeted, I've become obsessed with the girl I dated, I've developed anxiety, I smoked and drank my way through a year of college, and spent thousands of dollars to on the addiction. I think so many years of fetish PMOing has been subconsciously fucking up my head and subsequently my life and I must change. Here's my self diagnoses: I use fetish porn as a way to numb my mind. I use it as a way to validate my low expectations of myself. I use it when I feel useless or incapable of doing something so instead of facing it, I validate my "uselessness" my watching some aspect of humiliation/whatever. My body is rewarding these horrible thoughts with pleasure and so it's almost like some sort of self hypnosis. It feels good, but after PMOing the shame and disappointment in myself returns and perpetuates. It's a nasty cycle. I'm a real person. I make music, ski, draw, read. I'm a science nerd. I ask a lot of questions. I want to travel, meet new people and try things that scare me. I spend a lot of time thinking. I want to live a better life but this addiction is holding everything back. From information I've read in the journals and things I know about myself... -I will not PMO, or MO because fetish thoughts will always creep in. (Make it to 90 day mark) -Notice urges and let them pass -Lower dopamine intake (less phone in morning, tv, games etc) -Physical exercise, will help get out energy and a distraction from bad thoughts -Fix sleep schedule -Take care of myself (yeah it's kinda general but it's the most important one) Thank you to those who's stories I've read and that inspired this journal. Day 1 is tomorrow!
Hi Chems, im 25 and i share the same fetish. Its great that you are here and you take this step. You realized quitting this shit 5 years earlier than i did. thats already really good. With time and abstinence it will get better. Fetishes will fade but they fade very slowly. Trust me. What helped me most overcoming urges was knowledge of the addiction. I can recommend you the following video. Everything is explained in there:
This really resonates with me, along with a lot of other stuff in your post. I'll be following your journey chems, you can do it.
These past few months have been pretty difficult. I've been living in a new city and only plan to live there for a couple months so I've been pretty isolated and have been spending a lot of time alone. This makes it really easy to relapse when you have nothing better to do. I've relapsed a few times and PMO a lot. I wanted to use this time to get clean but after my first relapse, I pretty much gave up. I find that I do that a lot, where I set time goals to quit based on events in my life but as soon as I hit my first relapse everything goes down the drain. I haven't been taking care of myself. I stay up to 3-4am most nights and have started to hit my roommates nicotine devices, also if I have access to alcohol I will use it. I think the lack of socialization has really taken a toll. I found myself going on sites like omegle and even tinder just looking for some social activity. I don't have a car here either so I've become a bit of a shut-in. I've been working a lot though, I have 2 jobs because I'm saving up money to go live with my friend in italy. I leave in a week, actually only 6 days. I recently just made it a week without relapse but I can't seem to get far without needing to MO. And then once I MO, fetish thoughts start creeping in until I'm full relapsing again. I think I need to set a hard boundary of what a relapse actually is. If I give up every time a fetish thought passes through my mind, then I'm sure I won't make it that far. I think any sort of MO should be considered relapse because that way if a fetish thought comes to mind then I will have no option but to let it go and I can't act on it and reward that type of thinking with dopamine (Oing). I'm sure the reward pathways in my head are already completely fucked. I'm sure this addiction has been subconsciously training my brain to reward negative thoughts and low self esteem, so I've been thinking about ways to undo all of that. I don't know, maybe just listening to someone call you amazing, worthwhile, valuable, intelligent and other good things would subconsciously help you believe that yourself. The more I get into fighting this addiction the more I fear what it has done to me over the years. I will be setting a goal to make it a month without looking at fetish media, and without MOing. Seems like the only way through to the other side it quitting MOing altogether. I will let femdom thoughts come and go but each time I will make a huge effort not to act on them. I think it will be very difficult but I will also not trick myself by pretending that vanilla PMOing is ok. This always seems to lead to a relapse. Hopefully the distraction of travel will make it easier. Thank you guys so much for your comments and the video eagle4446 and UK Don, it really helps to know others are fighting the same battle. I will update in a month or sooner
Relapsed many times these past months. although living in beautiful place, I’m still distracted by easy dopamine. Will try to straighten up
I'm in a very dark place right now. Life has gotten more more stressful and there's new intense emotions at play. This is just fueling my addiction to the extreme by giving me reasons to escape and distract my mind. I think i've been able to classify two parts of my addiction. The first is the easy dopamine release and trance-like effects, which generates the escapism. Probably formed through habit. And the second, which is deeper and I don't yet fully understand it. It could be from a lack of strong father figure, though I hate to even propose this because my dad has been very nurturing throughout my life. I'm dealing with some very demented fetishes. They affect my self worth, my sense of intelligence and my hope, negatively. I wish I could pinpoint the cause by looking at the behavior, but the problem is so complex, I don't think that's possible for me alone. Anyhow, I think that at this point it's crystalized into a physiological response/habit that I can attack physically. I think the best solution is treating it like a drug. Treat it like you're in a drug addiction and you have no other weapon than abstinence. Unlike a drug, the lines of relapse are blurry. So at this point, I'm reiterating. I've basically said this before but this time I'm really going to put it into practice. In an attempt to define relapse vs success, I will completely abstain from any porn media. Everyday I will write an entry on here everyday for a month, and then every week for a year. Goodluck all! I'm in hawaii rn!
