Femdom Addict had enough, going PMO free

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by UK Don, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    10 weeks PMO free.

    The past week was kind of stressful. I think the combination of starting a new job, and injuries preventing me from working out or running left me pretty anxious. This was most apparent on video calls when meeting my team and colleagues, I would get more anxious than I have in a while which I doubt would have happened if we were meeting in person. Also, since Thursday I've loosened my diet (food and booze) as not to be too tough on myself after a challenging week. I've exercised strict discipline up until now, and will enjoy doing so again from tomorrow morning, though I think having a break from it now and again is healthy.

    I'm pleased to also report that I have still not even come close to viewing P. This is of course something I will not compromise on and I'm feeling good about my progress. That said, I've noticed an increase in dopamine seeking behaviour such as checking my phone pointlessly when struggling to focus. I'll leave it in a different room tomorrow when working.
     
  2. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Finding life pretty stressful still. Had some urges earlier this week but didn't come close to acting on them. I think it's just taking me a while to adjust to the working life, especially as I don't really like working from home. Also exercise feels harder than it did before letting the shackles off last weekend. Just gonna keep at it I guess and hopefully I'll get used to the new job.
     
  3. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Had a great relaxing weekend, and even though I’ve eased off the gym I think it’s been good for me - I’m even stronger now. I’ve got a good feeling about the week ahead.

    11 weeks down too
     
  4. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    When intrusive thoughts are triggered in my brain I can still feel that rush of excitement and that pull towards femdom and PMO. Then, I take a step back mentally. It's a weird approach but hear me out - I imagine myself actually PMOing, in my bed, in my room, by myself. It makes me feel sick to my stomach, and also quite sad. I've never felt this before and I think it's because I can now see through the enticing premise of a PMO-induced dopamine rush. I feel sad because of the damage I've caused myself through my destructive behaviour, yet I understand that it is/was not my fault. I just wasn't equipped with the right skills to navigate some aspects of life, and was not educated enough on addiction to understand that I was developing one as a child. Before, satisfying my craving was a priority in order for me to survive the situations I found myself in. Now, however, after working hard on creating positive habits and rebuilding my life, I am better equipped to face more challenging short-term issues. It is through these small positive actions that I find myself in positive spirals, and through these that every single day I am actively ensuring my long-term life plan will one day come to fruition. All from simply focusing on what I am doing right now, today, one day at a time.

    I think my change in perspective towards all the small actions I engage in every day (both positive and negative e.g. relapse) has been a bit of a moment of enlightenment, yet it also feels like something I already knew. Perhaps it is only through experiencing it that I have been able to truly understand the enormity of the consequences of every action I take. Either way I am resultantly learning to love myself.
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2020
    Ccman123, niskanen91 and Andrzej999 like this.
  5. Andrzej999

    Andrzej999 New Member

    Reading your posts has helped me a lot, thanks from Brazil.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  6. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Means a lot mate!
     
  7. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Felt so much more confident today at work in comparison to the past 2 weeks. Hoping this is going to continue!
     
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  8. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I feel good, but I am checking this forum too often. My brain is beginning to seek the mini dopamine hit connected with alerts on here quite frequently. Going to depart from here for a while.
     
  9. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Today is the first time in a long time that I've had proper urges. It's been about 3 weeks since my last wet dream so I think it means I may have another one coming. I think another reason though is that I shaved my pubes yesterday - it sounds weird but now that I'm circumcised it I'm getting more stimulation from my dick rubbing against my legs and nuts and its leaving me with a semi lol. I'm coming here to write as an outlet as it's leaving me kinda frustrated. Work is also irritating me: I keep arranging calls/meetings with people in order to progress with my project but they keep on cancelling minutes before. It's leaving me with nothing to do and is making me look bad to my manager as I'm not completing much, yet I cannot go any faster if my teammates are going to keep bailing. Not much I can do and I understand that, but I cannot help feeling pissed off about it. It's also triggering feelings of procrastination, as if I'm not tackling the most important aspects of my life which I've talked so much about doing.
     
  10. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Better on the urges since my last post, but definitely feeling horny. I know it’s because I’m about to have a wet dream - looking at previous ones this streak I’m overdue one, and my balls are seriously aching this morning so guessing I nearly had one last night.

    This has left me in a bit of a predicament. Tonight I’m staying at a mates house with a couple of other mates. I’ll be sharing a bed with another one of the lads, and obviously if the nuts were to finally release tonight it would be far from ideal. That said I refuse to MO. Fingers crossed I suppose
     
  11. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Sorry for being amused at your potential misfortune, but the description of your predicament did make me chuckle. :D

    I had a nocturnal emission a couple days ago (a weird sensation but preferable to a voluntary MO). For me, it was just mildly inconvenient. I did wonder if my wife heard me rummaging through a draw in the middle of the night trying to find fresh boxer shorts.

    How's the job going? Working from home isn't such a bad thing IMO. I know you miss out on the social aspect of things....but just think of the time you save traveling each way. And being able to dress casually (unless you're in Zoom/Teams meetings all day).
     
  12. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Congratulations on 90 days!
     
  13. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I'm glad you it amused you! It made me smile as I typed it too - all was ok in the end luckily, though I am still frustrated so hoping for a release soon.

    The job is ok, thanks for asking. It is no longer stressful, but perhaps too much so. Joining a company online is quite a weird experience as I am not getting the small opportunities to meet my team, whether that be at the office coffee machine, or at the pub after work. I've simply been given a vague project to lead and implement within the next 4 months by my manager in a company in which I am new too, so am still trying to get to grips with. I think I would appreciate the extra guidance and direction that I imagine physical meetings and chats would provide. I feel this is particularly true for a recent graduate like myself. Often when trying to book zoom meetings with team members for the sake of introductions, I am blown off as the meeting commences due to their other priorities. Resultantly I lose focus quite frequently at home because I do not have a busy schedule as it is up to me to fill it up with relevant meetings and discussions to develop my project.

    That said, I appreciate the fact that I am paying significantly lower rent, do not have to commute, and am working in a company with a relatively relaxed and flexible culture. I think I have a lot of learning to do when it comes to being more assertive and direct in the workplace.

    Thanks niskanen! The journey has been long and has recently become more challenging again, which is a subtle reminder of the progress I am yet to make.

    I am learning more about myself again. Throughout my adolescence I think I have mistaken my lack of confidence (in some situations) and insecurity driven anxiety as slight introversion. In actual fact, I think I often found it easier to be by myself and do little as a result of my PMO addiction, because as so many have said, it fills a void. Reflecting on my time at university and the recent weeks working from home have suggested to me that I actually do gain energy from being on the company of others; I'm a more social being than I ever thought. I need to learn to maintain a more fulfilling social life even with coronavirus restrictions in place, and while working 9-5. It's very easy for me to get up, work all day / get distracted at home, run, play sport, make dinner, watch youtube, go to bed, repeat. This is a much improved routine in comparison to my old one, but it's still not where I want to be.
    I believe my earlier posts during this reboot provide good evidence of this too. This has been my last 'student' summer, and I was meeting up with guys and girls frequently which undoubtedly helped my reboot through filling the void. In particular, just 2 weeks into my journey I felt further from my PMO addiction than ever before thanks to being surrounded by other people and spending a lot of time with girls. Fast-forward to today, and it has been weeks since I was even in a social situation with a girl who doesn't have a boyfriend. I really think I need to change this in order to progress further, as female company in the real world is essential for rewiring, and serves as the ultimate reminder of how unfulfilling a life of PMO is - it shifts me into a completely different mindset. Now the question for me is how I go about doing this with the current social restrictions in place.
     
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  14. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I just came very very close to relapse.

    I need a textbook for a qualification at work, so began looking at ways to torrent it. I downloaded Tor browser, but could not find the book on the repository I was searching on. Something about being on this untraceable browser sparked an urge inside me. I actually searched for fetish .onion sites, though luckily I had disabled javascript for security reasons, so did not see anything. I did not touch myself at all, or see any actual P, but came incredibly close to seeing P. That said, even typing certain words into the search bar initiated a chemical reaction inside me. The pathways are still alive and well that's for sure.

    There are many small but significant signs there for me at the moment which are warning me that relapse is imminent. If I don't take some time to seriously reflect on my current headspace, mentality, and general discipline today then it would be fair to assume that were a bookmaker to offer the market, you would get almost certain odds I will relapse soon. I can feel my attitude slowly shifting towards my reboot, with it beginning to feel more of a chore than a positive journey, unlike the first 80 or so days. I am trapped in the house due to wfh with no one else in the house which is not helping - I referred to my routine in my last post. I think other factors, like another niggling shoulder injury preventing gym work, and the miserable UK winter weather returning are not helping. My last post is also very important. I need to find a way to incorporate female presence into my life, or my P addiction will do it for me. Alongside this, I must restrict actions which provide instant gratification, or 'easy dopamine'. These set off a chain reaction in my behaviour leading me to engage in activities offering increasingly higher levels of instant dopamine - the greatest of these being P of course. The most simple way of doing this for me is to leave my phone and personal laptop in another room until my working day is over.

    One month ago, I felt very confident I'd successfully figured out a way of managing my demons which would help me navigate the foreseeable future, but today I've been humbled.

    EDIT: Just watched this

    It weirdly kind of emphasises my point on needing to create female connection in my life and find a way to make my wfh situation work for me.
    The video basically concludes that, as addicts it's easy to focus on the drug, making the opposite of addiction sobriety. In fact, this is not strictly true. We must be introspective and mindful; through understanding why we feel emptiness/loneliness/lack of purpose in our lives we can conquer our addictions. It follows then, that in my present situation, the opposite of addiction is connection.
     
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2020
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  15. Ccman123

    Ccman123 Member

    That video was really important for me. before I relapsed yesterday I had isolated myself from my friends for almost two weeks because I felt shameful that I was not doing well in school and felt that I wasn't deserving of presenting myself to them. Thanks for sharing this.
     
    UK Don likes this.
  16. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Well, unfortunately it happened. I relapsed at 93 days in. I documented the run-up to it fairly well here. Then after a long mental battle (around an hour and a half), I relapsed.

    For a couple of weeks I've been feeling not so great about it all. I've not been as productive as I had been earlier on in the reboot and feel I'd actually kind of regressed in terms of making the most of each day. My last couple of posts articulate the build up of my frustrations toward day to day life, the three which stand out being sub-optimal work performance, lack of social female interaction to channel my sexual energy, and the creeping up of instant dopamine seeking behaviour. Moving forward, it's essential that I leave my phone and laptop while working, and put more effort into my job. I am yet to figure out a solution to the female presence problem though, as COVID is making it very difficult.

    I'm gutted that I relapsed, and I must accept that it was a choice. I saw it coming, I even said it earlier. That said, in hindsight I was getting exceptionally distracted throughout each day by thoughts surrounding girls etc, and I am genuinely looking forward to a little more mental clarity which will follow once I ride out the chaser effect. Perhaps a tactical MO would have prevented a full-blown relapse though.

    I also recognise that this has not reset all the amazing progress I have made. I WILL continue my journey from this moment, and this time I WILL reach 180 days no PMO. I may also allow MOs at 90, 135, and 180 days.
     
  17. Krebs

    Krebs Member

    Keep fighting, man. Rebooting is like war: you can lose battle but the war is not done. Thinking about women and desire for interaction is actully normal for any man unless you are thinking about some pervert porn-induced stuff. It is good that you took ownership for relapse and did not tried to blame someone/something. It means you still can find solution of your problems.
    I had been feeling the same way about lack of women connection since beginning of pandemic. It is actually harder to reboot sitting in your room. And be careful with allowing the MO after some day. It is very easy to rationalize returning to dangerous behaviour.
     
  18. niskanen91

    niskanen91 Active Member

    Keep going, my friend.

    93 days is an amazing result and a stepping stone towards the final success. I know exactly how you feel but as long as you don't binge, the progress won't be erased IMO.

    You were doing great and you're a big inspiration for me and others!
     
  19. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    You had a slip. You’re only human. Go easy on yourself for the next few days and pick up where you left off. You’ve learned a lot about yourself over the last 3 months. Keep going with those efforts.

    ps: Personally, I’d avoid T0r. If you want to use T0rrents, you’re better off using a private VPN.
     
  20. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    @Krebs @niskanen91 @forlorn

    Your support truly means a lot to me. Logging on and seeing all your encouragement helps so much as it reminds me that none of us are alone in this, even the day after relapse.

    I have actually felt excellent today. My focus has been better than it has been in a while, and I've not had any real urges. Once again, I'm feeling positive about the streak that lies ahead. I believe that my relapse has not set me back much at all. I'm excited to get back to some serious self-development!

    btw @forlorn I use a VPN as an entry node to the tor browser for added security, so all is well!
     
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