I just came very very close to relapse. I need a textbook for a qualification at work, so began looking at ways to torrent it. I downloaded Tor browser, but could not find the book on the repository I was searching on. Something about being on this untraceable browser sparked an urge inside me. I actually searched for fetish .onion sites, though luckily I had disabled javascript for security reasons, so did not see anything. I did not touch myself at all, or see any actual P, but came incredibly close to seeing P. That said, even typing certain words into the search bar initiated a chemical reaction inside me. The pathways are still alive and well that's for sure. There are many small but significant signs there for me at the moment which are warning me that relapse is imminent. If I don't take some time to seriously reflect on my current headspace, mentality, and general discipline today then it would be fair to assume that were a bookmaker to offer the market, you would get almost certain odds I will relapse soon. I can feel my attitude slowly shifting towards my reboot, with it beginning to feel more of a chore than a positive journey, unlike the first 80 or so days. I am trapped in the house due to wfh with no one else in the house which is not helping - I referred to my routine in my last post. I think other factors, like another niggling shoulder injury preventing gym work, and the miserable UK winter weather returning are not helping. My last post is also very important. I need to find a way to incorporate female presence into my life, or my P addiction will do it for me. Alongside this, I must restrict actions which provide instant gratification, or 'easy dopamine'. These set off a chain reaction in my behaviour leading me to engage in activities offering increasingly higher levels of instant dopamine - the greatest of these being P of course. The most simple way of doing this for me is to leave my phone and personal laptop in another room until my working day is over. One month ago, I felt very confident I'd successfully figured out a way of managing my demons which would help me navigate the foreseeable future, but today I've been humbled. EDIT: Just watched this It weirdly kind of emphasises my point on needing to create female connection in my life and find a way to make my wfh situation work for me. The video basically concludes that, as addicts it's easy to focus on the drug, making the opposite of addiction sobriety. In fact, this is not strictly true. We must be introspective and mindful; through understanding why we feel emptiness/loneliness/lack of purpose in our lives we can conquer our addictions. It follows then, that in my present situation, the opposite of addiction is connection.
That video was really important for me. before I relapsed yesterday I had isolated myself from my friends for almost two weeks because I felt shameful that I was not doing well in school and felt that I wasn't deserving of presenting myself to them. Thanks for sharing this.
Well, unfortunately it happened. I relapsed at 93 days in. I documented the run-up to it fairly well here. Then after a long mental battle (around an hour and a half), I relapsed. For a couple of weeks I've been feeling not so great about it all. I've not been as productive as I had been earlier on in the reboot and feel I'd actually kind of regressed in terms of making the most of each day. My last couple of posts articulate the build up of my frustrations toward day to day life, the three which stand out being sub-optimal work performance, lack of social female interaction to channel my sexual energy, and the creeping up of instant dopamine seeking behaviour. Moving forward, it's essential that I leave my phone and laptop while working, and put more effort into my job. I am yet to figure out a solution to the female presence problem though, as COVID is making it very difficult. I'm gutted that I relapsed, and I must accept that it was a choice. I saw it coming, I even said it earlier. That said, in hindsight I was getting exceptionally distracted throughout each day by thoughts surrounding girls etc, and I am genuinely looking forward to a little more mental clarity which will follow once I ride out the chaser effect. Perhaps a tactical MO would have prevented a full-blown relapse though. I also recognise that this has not reset all the amazing progress I have made. I WILL continue my journey from this moment, and this time I WILL reach 180 days no PMO. I may also allow MOs at 90, 135, and 180 days.
Keep fighting, man. Rebooting is like war: you can lose battle but the war is not done. Thinking about women and desire for interaction is actully normal for any man unless you are thinking about some pervert porn-induced stuff. It is good that you took ownership for relapse and did not tried to blame someone/something. It means you still can find solution of your problems. I had been feeling the same way about lack of women connection since beginning of pandemic. It is actually harder to reboot sitting in your room. And be careful with allowing the MO after some day. It is very easy to rationalize returning to dangerous behaviour.
Keep going, my friend. 93 days is an amazing result and a stepping stone towards the final success. I know exactly how you feel but as long as you don't binge, the progress won't be erased IMO. You were doing great and you're a big inspiration for me and others!
You had a slip. You’re only human. Go easy on yourself for the next few days and pick up where you left off. You’ve learned a lot about yourself over the last 3 months. Keep going with those efforts. ps: Personally, I’d avoid T0r. If you want to use T0rrents, you’re better off using a private VPN.
@Krebs @niskanen91 @forlorn Your support truly means a lot to me. Logging on and seeing all your encouragement helps so much as it reminds me that none of us are alone in this, even the day after relapse. I have actually felt excellent today. My focus has been better than it has been in a while, and I've not had any real urges. Once again, I'm feeling positive about the streak that lies ahead. I believe that my relapse has not set me back much at all. I'm excited to get back to some serious self-development! btw @forlorn I use a VPN as an entry node to the tor browser for added security, so all is well!
Honestly Ihave had times in the past where a single relapse would actually help me with progress. Be really careful with your chasers as you lit up the dopamine hwy in your brain. The stronger that pathway the harder it is to control and to recover. Be kind to yourself, distrct yourself and continue on your recovery journey. 93 days is unreal and happy to read you arent beating yourself up!
Been a good week. Fallen into a flatline post relapse which has been a nice break from the chaotic/on edge headspace I was in previously. Perhaps you are right @R3balance
Time is flying atm. Last night I had a huge wet dream which surprised me - I only PMO'd 8 days ago! It was the first time I've ever slept through one as well, it felt so weird waking up after it had happened. In other areas of my life: - I've addressed work issues a little more and feel better for it. Also had some positive feedback. Despite this, I'm still not working as hard as I want to. I think getting to the root of why I have trouble working hard is more complicated than I thought, perhaps related to my father raising me in an environment in which there was always a 'right' way to do things - this was his way. Resultantly I think I'm often hesitant to do work in fear that it won't be done perfectly, or that I'll miss the mark/objective. Of course trying and failing is one of the most important parts of life so learning how to do this is very important to me, and is something I will look to achieve as one of my next big targets. I'm busy atm but will take the time soon to reassess my standing on this journey, and set some new big goals for the next 6 months or so, as I have made progress/achieved some of my previous goals. - I've been injured for the past week and a half with an injury. Getting back in the gym yesterday felt fantastic and I hope to get back into a good routine. It's not like I've fallen out the loop or become a slob, but I want to get back to the level I can operate at in terms of both running and weight training. - Had a social do last week with some new colleagues. We decided to meet up and properly break the ice as you really cannot get to know someone from scratch over zoom. It was super fun and the ratio was ideal (double the girls to guys). Look forward to meeting up with them all again, especially as I got on pretty well with one of the girls. - Trying to continue to make plans that align with the ever-changing gov restrictions in the UK. I think now that I understand I am a relatively social being it's important that I keep arranging things to look forward to, as to not get lost in my own world.
Like that you are out their mingling with ladies. Real connection is important and always motivation! for your injury I’ve had my struggles I’m an all or nothing person and I’ve learned the key with injuries is always focus on what you can do and not what you can’t do / lost the ability to do while hurt You seem to have wet dreams a lot more than I ever had I find that interesting. I’ve literally only had 3 in my life. once was time I took zma supplement and I was 17 other two times were early 20s on no pmo streaks since then never not sure if that means anything or not lol but I find it interesting how others have them often compared to my it’s a rare occurrence
Thanks for checking in niskanen. Unfortunately this week was not good. I relapsed a few times with the final one being today. I feel ashamed writing this, but also determined to get back on the path I was on. Since relapsing earlier I've taken a lot of time to reflect today, and the rest to prepare and set myself up for a good week ahead. I am going to commit to a 'no-booze November' to help me get back on track, too. I'll check in semi-regularly, but I know these first few days are always a case of accepting that urges will come strong, and that I need to be vigilant in dealing with them.
Even though I had a week of heavy relapse, I can feel still feel benefits from my 90+ day streak. All has not been lost - in fact if I’m honest, it actually feels like little has been lost. This week I’ve really focused on my work and I feel great for it. It gives me peace of mind in the evenings knowing that I’m getting done what I need to, and that my project is on track. Looking forward, I think it necessary to prepare a plan for the lockdown here. I’m seriously going to miss the little social interaction I’ve been having so will need to find ways to replace it. Currently I just plan to exercise twice a day, but I know this won’t cut it. Also, as I get to around 30 days I will inevitably start feeling super frustrated again. At this point I think I should allow myself to MO in the shower, unless a wet dream comes before I feel this frustration. I think this because in these circumstances I don’t think it will help me to have all this extra energy which I long to spend on interacting with girls, which I obviously cannot do. I think it’ll just drive me a bit mad lol. If anyone has any experience with this I’d be interested to hear their opinion on this - I’ve only ever tried hard mode.
Be careful, it is very easy to relapse again and begin rationalitizing. What about some other forms of spending excess energy? For me, lack of social interacting was a big issue too. reboot during lockdown a way harder.
This is my dilemma as well and (while I'm not recovered) here are my 2 cents regarding your situation: 1) Once I had long streak and I relapse, benefits aren't completely cancelled but it is impossible for real life to produce stimuli same as femdom porn. After the relapse, cravings naturally occur and it's very hard not to use porn again in the next days. 2) Regarding the MO without porn dilemma, I had the very same dilemma. If you go hard mode and relapse sometimes, you have a string of streaks with no sexual relief at all, which builds incredible tension. For me it led to frustration and even trouble with sleeping. I'd say that on the long run, the "hard mode" is an "impossible mode". 3) MO'ing too often though leads to ejaculating too much and, for me sometimes, there's no energy, arousal and motivation to chase real partners.
Thanks both for your input, I hear what you’re saying. @Krebs - I get your point about MOing making it easier to rationalise relapsing, as it makes me want to O more. That said, what @niskanen91 mentioned about tension building on long hard mode streaks is absolutely something I can relate to. By the end of my last 90 days hard mode I was going mad with frustration, and an MO would have perhaps calmed me down and stopped the relapse. My previous suggestion of 1 MO every 30 days is too lax I think. I’m going to go for another 90 hard mode. After that point I will allow one MO every 30 days. Let’s see how this goes.
Great couple of weeks. Flatline has been beautiful - barely had distracting thoughts and I've continued to step my game up at work and in the gym. Timely considering the current lockdown too, as thinking about girls would do me no good atm.
I PMOd again for the last 7 days. It was down to me getting stressed about not doing a task at work. Frustrating typing this as this is not a new realisation. I'm well aware that when I let priorities in life get away from me, I feel guilt and shame. In this moment, I sometimes cower and relapse, but sometimes I face the task at hand, as I have done over the last few months. I feel obliged to mention that I feel significantly worse after this relapse. It's been quite a while since I've experienced this type of anxiety and I haven't missed it. Anyway, I have finally completed these tasks now, after putting a serious shift in these past couple of days. Time to get back at it with exercise, diet, discipline, you know the drill.
