Femdom Addict had enough, going PMO free

Discussion in 'Ages 20-24' started by UK Don, Jan 9, 2019.

  1. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Op complete. It doesn't look pretty and recovery isn't exactly fun, but it had to be done. I should be good to go in a few weeks.
     
  2. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Struggling post op. NW and MW are no fun at all - every NW causes great pain and wakes me up, so I'm getting limited sleep. Feeling very frustrated as I have a lot of pent up energy from no O, yet I can't physically use it yet due to the pain and sensitivity, or even relieve myself through MO.
     
  3. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I'm back, almost fully healed. We go again from the morning
     
  4. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    *Just read this post back and its quite scrambled, but I was simply jotting down my thoughts*

    I'm now healed downstairs. I always wondered what it would be like to have a penis that I can actually fuck a girl with, and if it would change my perspective. Well it has slightly. I now actively want to go and find someone to interact with (great timing with lockdown lol), and don't think I would shy away.

    During lockdown I've done a bit of self reflection. It's more clear than ever to me now that femdom P, or P for any matter, is absolutely not the problem but instead a symptom. I believe the problem is much deeper. @forlorn recommended I look into my childhood and adolescence to try and find it, so I've given it a go.

    As a child I rarely had crushes on girls, and when I did I would never talk to my parents about it as I never felt like I could. I don't know why this is, but it was to the extent that I would feel very embarrassed in talking to my parents openly and honestly on this topic (especially my mum), so would simply put on a 'mask' through giving responses that I imagined my peers would give. As I type this I'm finding it hard to articulate my feelings as they are themself a little confused, but I think I felt that I would be laughed at as I never had that much confidence in front of girls. Perhaps the fact I felt particularly embarrassed in front of my mum would have some connection to femdom? Who knows.

    Anyway, the few times I did fancy a girl they didn't fancy me back at all and usually saw me as a friend, which definitely didn't help my confidence, but it's now clear to me that having a penis that I knew I couldn't fuck a girl with meant that I never wanted to even try, which knocked my confidence around girls further as I knew I couldn't satisfy them. This is probably why they often didn't fancy me back - I would never be forward and ask them to come back to mine, as I was terrified of them seeing my penis and being humiliated.

    Sometimes I was actually friendzoning myself by limiting the depth of the relationships I built. I say this not in a cocky way, but I have memories of a good looking girl asking me over to her house multiple times, all of which I declined.

    In a previous post I mentioned the fact that I didn't find these girls that showed interest in me attractive due to self-hatred, and I thought that self-hatred stemmed from porn addiction. Well now I'm circumcised, the urges to watch porn are not as strong, and instead I want to meet real girls. Perhaps then the self-hatred stemmed from the self-harm I was inflicting on myself by not addressing the important things in my life (my dick, studying). Another piece of evidence which backs this up is the fact that in the last few weeks (since lockdown), my procrastination for my dissertation has been through the roof, and I've felt really shit due to it - this has caused me to get more urges than before. When I contrast this with my time working for a company, where doing work was not an option but an obligation, I felt great about stuff (as you'll see in my journal from last summer). I clearly just do not have the self-discipline yet to keep myself on track. This will come in time.

    My focus should not be on trying to stop PMO. My focus should be on stopping escapist behaviour, and addressing the most important things in my life without delay. It goes without saying that being mindful of MO is important and quitting P is a good thing too, but seeing as it's an addiction, I should not be simply telling myself 'do not PMO', as it will inevitably fail eventually if I do not address the underlying problem. If I address the things that make me unhappy and encourage me to want to 'escape', I will not need to use PMO as a crutch.

    Prior to this post I'd spent the evening procrastinating and thinking about all of the amazing human connections I could have made with girls. I've always been able to get on with any lad from any walk of life, and I don't fit a single group. I have mates in musical, sporty, weird, techno, and gaming groups, but this often only to males. Any female friends I have stayed in touch with is either completely on their behalf, or though a mutual friend. I hope to change this after lockdown. I have just instantly always been so kind of closed-off to females. I can make small talk and get along with them, but I think I see them purely through the lense of potential partners. Maybe I should go into future interactions looking for female friends, and from there I can build.

    Also, I'm going to start journalling. I think I want something I can store my memories in from my entire life so that I can remember this stage of my life for years to come, as my memory is shit. Obviously a P forum would not be my first choice of place to do this, so I will probably buy a physical one.
     
    Last edited: Apr 21, 2020
    niskanen91 likes this.
  5. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Hey, glad to hear all went OK with the Op. It must be a huge weight off your mind, one less thing to worry about :)

    In terms of procrastinating over your dissertation check out this link:



    I've found it quite useful and am currently trying to apply it in my own life.
     
    UK Don and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  6. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Reflecting again on my 6 week streak. On the last day I remember watching a film with my mates at uni, along with one of their girlfriends who was staying over (who I was also sat right next to). We've known each other for a long time and get on well, and the lad she's seeing is one of my best mates.

    I was pretty horny after such a long break from O, and the girls thighs were pretty much touching mine. Literally just from that contact I remember getting hard, so I think in a way I'm not as broken as I thought. I proceeded to MO later that night when we all went to bed, and I came fairly quickly from just the thought of it and the sensation. I feel kinda grim about doing that lol.

    I feel ready to get back on track again, but this time with an altered plan:
    1. I will start with 4 weeks no PMO - I have no doubt that this will be tough due to the stress of my dissertation, but it is a necessary step.
    2. From this point I will allow myself to MO... BUT;
    3. I can only MO standing up. This is for a few reasons.
    - PMO has left me accustomed to Oing while lying on my back. This isn't how I would O the majority of the time in sex
    - It will help me spend less time in bed in the morning, and hopefully mean I have less late nights watching P
    - I don't have to change my bed sheets as often :D

    To help me do this, I plan to use exercise an a replacement. I've seriously struggled since my op as I've been forced to live a sedentary life to some extent, which has destroyed the fitness progress that I was making prior. Time to get it back again.
     
  7. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Last night felt very stressed and angry at myself for further procrastination, so PMO'd twice. It was an active choice that I made when I felt the urge.

    Today has been much better, made good progress with my dissertation so am hoping to keep this going.
     
  8. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Had a full dopamine detox after looking into the video that @forlorn shared. Did nothing yesterday but write, run, walk, cook, and read. Didn't touch my phone or any social media / TV on my laptop, and didn't even listen to music. It was a hard day and was boring towards the end, but I've woken up today feeling a new man. I woke up naturally at 6am, and feel great. Also feels like it has helped me learn about myself further; whilst I still believe procrastination and putting off work was the reason that I turn to PMO because I feel down, I now believe that my lifestyle of spending far too much time on my phone, laptop, P, gaming, Youtube etc was the reason it was so easy to procrastinate and so hard to get to work. So, I think the cycle goes something like:

    1. From the moment of waking up, on phone = +dopamine.
    2. Wouldn't work due to it seeming so unappealing as my dopamine levels were already going. Why stop something that makes my brain feel good?
    3. Led to extreme frustration/anger/helplessness that I was wasting my own time yet consciously wanting to work.
    4. These feelings led me to go down a rabbit hole of escapism through further binging or PMO.

    Highly recommend this if you feel in a rut. Youtube = Andrew Kirby dopamine detox. It requires one hard long day that feels pointless, especially towards the end, but what have you got to lose?
     
    forlorn likes this.
  9. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Uni done.

    I haven't been binging but the odd PMO would creep in. Time to restart.

    To kick start my journey, I'll do a dopamine detox tomorrow.
     
  10. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Yesterday I crumbled, but today we go again... already had a productive morning full of exercise, now for a productive afternoon of studying (uni is complete however this is the perfect time for me to study topics I am particularly enjoy).
     
  11. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Had a bit of a binge last week. This week is feeling much much better though, and I have plans to keep busy for the rest of the week. Feeling optimistic about this streak.
     
  12. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Last weekend away with lots of friends was incredible, I really got on with a girl. Having a laugh with her made my PMO addiction seem so distant and irrelevant, but I didn't feel ready to shag yet.

    It's weird how as soon as you get a bit of breathing room with this addiction you can really see how crippling it is. I can see again how important it is that I keep this streak going (currently 9 days), to the extent that the thought of relapse terrifies me. Perhaps that's a good thing.
     
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2020
  13. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    I know this process is divided between the reboot and rewire stages but I feel it would be much easier for me, and maybe even much quicker, if I were to spend a lot more time around girls. I think the real world contact helps me to maintain the perspective I talked about in my last post, plus it's pretty fun.
     
  14. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    It's definitely OK to spend time around girls, as you say it's real world contact - and what you're aiming to eliminate is artificial stimulation.

    Congrats on finishing uni. Any plans to look for a job yet or will you be doing further study? I imagine the job market isn't especially great at the moment.
     
  15. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Definitely, I might even see it as a bit of a project to speak to more girls just to develop my social skills with them too - I've mentioned before that whilst I can talk to almost anyone I rarely keep friends who are girls.

    Cheers forlorn. I've a grad job lined up starting in September so luckily no worries there. Was meant to be moving city but will (understandably) be working digitally for the foreseeable future. Gutted as I really think moving city etc would have helped me grow as a person through taking the next step, and working at home is inherently a little riskier regarding PMO situations. That said, I understand I'm one of the lucky ones as I do not know many grads going into jobs at the moment, so should perhaps focus on the positives.
     
  16. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    15 days in, feeling tired today with more brain fog. Going to gym and run later to try and sort my head out.
     
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2020
  17. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Pushed through yesterday, exercise was a game changer. Feeling good today.
     
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  18. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    Had a dream where watched P and relapsed last night, was very relieved when I woke up!
     
  19. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    More dreams again last night, though this time the fetish dreams about watching P passed and I began to dream about being in bed with a real girl. I dreamt I was kissing her but when we were about to have sex I felt a wave of anxiety, and went soft. I even pondered the fact that I was about to lose my virginity and what that meant within my dream!

    Not sure this really tells much, but it's nice to be having vivid sex-related dreams again as it feels as though my instinct to go after girls is returning.
     
  20. UK Don

    UK Don Active Member

    3 weeks down!

    Went out the last couple of nights. Last night everyone from the other weekend was out and the girl I got on with was definitely trying it on with me. Me and a couple of others then went back to my mates house for a bit of an afters for a few hours. I walked back around 4am and after 20 mins of being in bed at home the girl tried calling and messaging me, but I didn't answer as I was knackered and just got in bed.

    I've definitely made sure I don't seem overly keen and I can tell that by being open one minute then pushing her away and being a little colder the next, she is more attracted to me. The only problem is that since the other weekend I have found out she sleeps around a lot, often with mutual friends (I knew she had previously but didn't know she still did to this extent). In fact, she saw a good friend of mine for a while and then cheated on him. In my head I've completely eliminated the prospect of her being anything more than a shag now as I think it would be messy and she might just fuck me over in the long run. Kind of weird that I've never been confronted with these sorts of situations because of my PMO addiction - I've got some catching up to do.

    I think the reality is that I will end up losing my virginity to her after a night out, and perhaps have sex a few times but then cut it off.
     
    niskanen91 likes this.

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