Relapse at 44 days! Not ideal, but by no means the end of the world. These next few days will be tough due to the chaser effect, but I have no doubt that I will push through them to continue with my self-improvement. To help ensure they go smoothly I'm going to try and check in here each day. This relapse has shown me how much I've grown as a person, through my ability to be more aware of my internal monologue and change the way I think of myself. Previously, I would have really beaten myself up about this - "you fucking idiot, why did you throw away such a big streak" etc. however now I am a lot more self-forgiving and logical about the situation - "44 days is a great streak considering your pmo history, well done, lets see how far you can go this time". The old train of thought would have also lead to more relapses, through low self-worth. I do not feel anyway near as low as I used to, despite 3 PMOs within 12 hours. While this is all well and good, and points to a more progressive and positive mental attitude, it's still important to assess why and how the relapse happened. It started with my post on the 31st. Peeking at P was the start of a downward spiral and if I'm brutally honest (which is crucial for me to fully heal) I should have probably reset my counter then. Whilst I didn't keep looking at p after this, I think it was enough to reignite the P pathway in my brain, so next time I felt low it was higher up the list of coping mechanisms. Over the last week a few things weren't great, and undoubtedly played a factor in my relapse. A family member died, I got some work back with a lower mark than expected making a first class degree extremely hard to attain, my operation has been postponed by 2 weeks, and I am still procrastinating on starting my dissertation which I really need done in the next 8 weeks. In addition I was also getting very frustrated at the fact that I would wake up with aching MW, yet when in the shower I couldn't even get hard through stimulation or vanilla fantasy. In hindsight I guess this was just impatience. I should really emphasise the procrastination as a source of temptation. I only really procrastinate with my studies, as I really do not enjoy them and already have a graduate job lined up, rendering them somewhat useless. However, I know that I'm someone that takes pride in what I do, so if I am putting off starting research for my dissertation then not only am I mounting on the pressure for myself, but lowering my own self-worth. This is because it's obviously the main priority in my life yet I choose not address it out of fear of failure. From here, you can see how a downward spiral might start. I know this, as during summer when I was interning and therefore working everyday I had better self-esteem and valued myself more, leading to greater self-confidence. I'm not trying to say that I value myself based on meeting others expectations, but more so being able to successfully address the highest priority objectives in my life regardless of how uncomfortable/taxing/tough they are. This is another area in which I've made good progress but still have a long way to go. As I write this, I almost decided to leave the post there, as that would have been the easy thing to do. Instead I should look to the future, and make an action plan. I've read countless journals where post-relapse the writer sets unrealistic goals and targets with a 'point to prove attitude', but these never work as they are not sustainable in times of low motivation. Instead, I propose that starting from Sunday: 1. Mon-Fri 7 hours per day at university - Ideally 9-5, 1 hour lunch break. Sometimes have sport during the day, so can go in the evening again to catch up. 2. Continue to exercise 5 times a week = Tennis/Run/Gym 3. When in bed, do not go on laptop/phone. Read instead 4. Continue clean eating 5. Continue learning Spanish And here's the big one for me: 5. 30 mins 'free time' on laptop per day. This is ALL social media including youtube, but excluding messenger apps e.g. fb messenger, imessage From these #1 and #5 are by far the most demanding, and the way I will implement them is through setting a 30 minute period every day in the evening to catch up. Learning to gain control over dopamine seeking behaviour in other ways should help me to distance myself from relapse even further.
It does sound like you've had a rough week with everything that's been going on. The important thing is that you: a) don't allow it to turn into a binge and... b) you learn something from it - sounds like you have done some reflection on this already. Your action plan sounds good. Any idea what you plan to read in bed instead of going on your laptop/phone? I'm a bit ashamed to admit it but I haven't finished reading a book in years (despite starting a few). Having said that, I recently started reading again and this time I'm actually very close to finishing a book. I even have a second one lined up (a novel called 'The Sense of an Ending'). Anyway, just thought I'd check in with you. ps: I think you have the right motivation anyway but I'll share with you a quote I really like, it's from the Recovery Nation website: "The single greatest predictor of success — be it in business, relationships, or in addiction recovery — is found in the sincerity of the commitment to succeed".
Thanks for the reply forlorn, great to have someone supporting my journey especially in times like this. I agree with both things you say. Yesterday I could feel quite strong urges in bed when I took a nap in the evening to just have one last pmo as I'd already ruined my streak, which is an absolute classic that I've fallen for countless times. I'm pleased to say though that I was able to completely shut this down straight away and didn't even fantasise, which I'm quite proud of as it would have been very easy to give in. I'm confident I won't binge but will remain vigilant. I've done some more reflection on why and how my relapse happened. I think I could have picked up on some early warning signs that slipped under the radar, such as randomly wanting to go on Omegle and chat to people (I've never really done this before), as well as doing a better job of avoiding social media. I also think that once I get reasonably far into a reboot, I really need to be spending more time around girls I find attractive. At 44 days in, I was getting pretty damn horny at times but because I don't have any real female presence in my life, I think I'm almost bound to return to the only thing my brain knows - PMO and femdom. Perhaps even just being around females would help to rewire at the same time. One reason that I think this would work, is that today I was chatting with an attractive friend of a friend after a party last night, and I couldn't help but notice my mind wandering. I started to have some pretty vanilla fantasies and noticed some movement downstairs that I had to actively stop by changing my train of thought. Even just 2 days after relapse I feel this is proof that I've made significant progress, and reassures me I have not been set back very far. For this reason, despite resetting the day counter I won't really be paying too much attention to it now. @forlorn The book I am reading is The Black Swan by Nassim Nicholas Taleb, but like you I have been reading it for over a year and still have not finished it! I always enjoy it but I guess my brain just seeks the instant dopamine so much that I never get back to reading it. Also I like that quote. It really captures the attitude that you should have on this journey of personal growth, over abstinence for abstinence sake.
Unfortunately another relapse this morning. Feeling a little under the weather but am making sure to keep occupied. This is going to be the start of another big streak!
Hope you're feeling better. It's time to pick up the pieces and get back on track. You're fortunate enough to have recognised you need to make changes in your life whilst still being so young - but you have to make the time count
Op complete. It doesn't look pretty and recovery isn't exactly fun, but it had to be done. I should be good to go in a few weeks.
Struggling post op. NW and MW are no fun at all - every NW causes great pain and wakes me up, so I'm getting limited sleep. Feeling very frustrated as I have a lot of pent up energy from no O, yet I can't physically use it yet due to the pain and sensitivity, or even relieve myself through MO.
*Just read this post back and its quite scrambled, but I was simply jotting down my thoughts* I'm now healed downstairs. I always wondered what it would be like to have a penis that I can actually fuck a girl with, and if it would change my perspective. Well it has slightly. I now actively want to go and find someone to interact with (great timing with lockdown lol), and don't think I would shy away. During lockdown I've done a bit of self reflection. It's more clear than ever to me now that femdom P, or P for any matter, is absolutely not the problem but instead a symptom. I believe the problem is much deeper. @forlorn recommended I look into my childhood and adolescence to try and find it, so I've given it a go. As a child I rarely had crushes on girls, and when I did I would never talk to my parents about it as I never felt like I could. I don't know why this is, but it was to the extent that I would feel very embarrassed in talking to my parents openly and honestly on this topic (especially my mum), so would simply put on a 'mask' through giving responses that I imagined my peers would give. As I type this I'm finding it hard to articulate my feelings as they are themself a little confused, but I think I felt that I would be laughed at as I never had that much confidence in front of girls. Perhaps the fact I felt particularly embarrassed in front of my mum would have some connection to femdom? Who knows. Anyway, the few times I did fancy a girl they didn't fancy me back at all and usually saw me as a friend, which definitely didn't help my confidence, but it's now clear to me that having a penis that I knew I couldn't fuck a girl with meant that I never wanted to even try, which knocked my confidence around girls further as I knew I couldn't satisfy them. This is probably why they often didn't fancy me back - I would never be forward and ask them to come back to mine, as I was terrified of them seeing my penis and being humiliated. Sometimes I was actually friendzoning myself by limiting the depth of the relationships I built. I say this not in a cocky way, but I have memories of a good looking girl asking me over to her house multiple times, all of which I declined. In a previous post I mentioned the fact that I didn't find these girls that showed interest in me attractive due to self-hatred, and I thought that self-hatred stemmed from porn addiction. Well now I'm circumcised, the urges to watch porn are not as strong, and instead I want to meet real girls. Perhaps then the self-hatred stemmed from the self-harm I was inflicting on myself by not addressing the important things in my life (my dick, studying). Another piece of evidence which backs this up is the fact that in the last few weeks (since lockdown), my procrastination for my dissertation has been through the roof, and I've felt really shit due to it - this has caused me to get more urges than before. When I contrast this with my time working for a company, where doing work was not an option but an obligation, I felt great about stuff (as you'll see in my journal from last summer). I clearly just do not have the self-discipline yet to keep myself on track. This will come in time. My focus should not be on trying to stop PMO. My focus should be on stopping escapist behaviour, and addressing the most important things in my life without delay. It goes without saying that being mindful of MO is important and quitting P is a good thing too, but seeing as it's an addiction, I should not be simply telling myself 'do not PMO', as it will inevitably fail eventually if I do not address the underlying problem. If I address the things that make me unhappy and encourage me to want to 'escape', I will not need to use PMO as a crutch. Prior to this post I'd spent the evening procrastinating and thinking about all of the amazing human connections I could have made with girls. I've always been able to get on with any lad from any walk of life, and I don't fit a single group. I have mates in musical, sporty, weird, techno, and gaming groups, but this often only to males. Any female friends I have stayed in touch with is either completely on their behalf, or though a mutual friend. I hope to change this after lockdown. I have just instantly always been so kind of closed-off to females. I can make small talk and get along with them, but I think I see them purely through the lense of potential partners. Maybe I should go into future interactions looking for female friends, and from there I can build. Also, I'm going to start journalling. I think I want something I can store my memories in from my entire life so that I can remember this stage of my life for years to come, as my memory is shit. Obviously a P forum would not be my first choice of place to do this, so I will probably buy a physical one.
Hey, glad to hear all went OK with the Op. It must be a huge weight off your mind, one less thing to worry about In terms of procrastinating over your dissertation check out this link: I've found it quite useful and am currently trying to apply it in my own life.
Reflecting again on my 6 week streak. On the last day I remember watching a film with my mates at uni, along with one of their girlfriends who was staying over (who I was also sat right next to). We've known each other for a long time and get on well, and the lad she's seeing is one of my best mates. I was pretty horny after such a long break from O, and the girls thighs were pretty much touching mine. Literally just from that contact I remember getting hard, so I think in a way I'm not as broken as I thought. I proceeded to MO later that night when we all went to bed, and I came fairly quickly from just the thought of it and the sensation. I feel kinda grim about doing that lol. I feel ready to get back on track again, but this time with an altered plan: 1. I will start with 4 weeks no PMO - I have no doubt that this will be tough due to the stress of my dissertation, but it is a necessary step. 2. From this point I will allow myself to MO... BUT; 3. I can only MO standing up. This is for a few reasons. - PMO has left me accustomed to Oing while lying on my back. This isn't how I would O the majority of the time in sex - It will help me spend less time in bed in the morning, and hopefully mean I have less late nights watching P - I don't have to change my bed sheets as often To help me do this, I plan to use exercise an a replacement. I've seriously struggled since my op as I've been forced to live a sedentary life to some extent, which has destroyed the fitness progress that I was making prior. Time to get it back again.
Last night felt very stressed and angry at myself for further procrastination, so PMO'd twice. It was an active choice that I made when I felt the urge. Today has been much better, made good progress with my dissertation so am hoping to keep this going.
Had a full dopamine detox after looking into the video that @forlorn shared. Did nothing yesterday but write, run, walk, cook, and read. Didn't touch my phone or any social media / TV on my laptop, and didn't even listen to music. It was a hard day and was boring towards the end, but I've woken up today feeling a new man. I woke up naturally at 6am, and feel great. Also feels like it has helped me learn about myself further; whilst I still believe procrastination and putting off work was the reason that I turn to PMO because I feel down, I now believe that my lifestyle of spending far too much time on my phone, laptop, P, gaming, Youtube etc was the reason it was so easy to procrastinate and so hard to get to work. So, I think the cycle goes something like: 1. From the moment of waking up, on phone = +dopamine. 2. Wouldn't work due to it seeming so unappealing as my dopamine levels were already going. Why stop something that makes my brain feel good? 3. Led to extreme frustration/anger/helplessness that I was wasting my own time yet consciously wanting to work. 4. These feelings led me to go down a rabbit hole of escapism through further binging or PMO. Highly recommend this if you feel in a rut. Youtube = Andrew Kirby dopamine detox. It requires one hard long day that feels pointless, especially towards the end, but what have you got to lose?
Uni done. I haven't been binging but the odd PMO would creep in. Time to restart. To kick start my journey, I'll do a dopamine detox tomorrow.
Yesterday I crumbled, but today we go again... already had a productive morning full of exercise, now for a productive afternoon of studying (uni is complete however this is the perfect time for me to study topics I am particularly enjoy).
Had a bit of a binge last week. This week is feeling much much better though, and I have plans to keep busy for the rest of the week. Feeling optimistic about this streak.
Last weekend away with lots of friends was incredible, I really got on with a girl. Having a laugh with her made my PMO addiction seem so distant and irrelevant, but I didn't feel ready to shag yet. It's weird how as soon as you get a bit of breathing room with this addiction you can really see how crippling it is. I can see again how important it is that I keep this streak going (currently 9 days), to the extent that the thought of relapse terrifies me. Perhaps that's a good thing.
I know this process is divided between the reboot and rewire stages but I feel it would be much easier for me, and maybe even much quicker, if I were to spend a lot more time around girls. I think the real world contact helps me to maintain the perspective I talked about in my last post, plus it's pretty fun.
