@UK Don I'm so happy that I stumbled on this journal, I am 20 now and your story is very inspiring and I can feel like I can finally relate to someone. I've always assumed I'll quit and I've tried many times but now time feels like it's running out and I need to tackle this. I hope you're doing ok and know that you've given me something very valuable with this journal.
Long time since my last post! I've had a crazy few months. Solo travelling is the best thing I've done in my life. If you can do it, then do it. The people I met and the experiences I had have definitely changed me for the better. I feel lucky and privileged for my time away. For much of the travelling from place to place I was alone, so had plenty of time to think. Resultantly I have returned to the UK with a new perspective on how I want to live my life. I updated my physical journal with every day from my trip, but would prefer to keep the details away from the internet. I met a girl while away. At first I met her at a hostel, but she left before me so I got her number. We bumped into each other at another hostel a few days later, and got to know each other a bit on a night out together, kissing, dancing etc. I knew I wanted to see her again after we parted ways for the second time, so we met up in a different city after a few more days. We had a great time and she changed her plans for the next week to mirror mine. That week was one of the best of my life. I've never connected with anyone the way that we did. Neither of us could stop saying how lucky we felt. She's younger than me but taught me so much through the way she lives her life - always positive, outgoing, kind, honest, affectionate, non-judgemental. I struggled with ED in the bedroom. On the second occasion I opened up to her as I couldn't bare the thought that my ED would make her feel unattractive or unwanted. I explained that watching P from a young age had impacted the 'wiring' of my ability to become aroused, and to stay hard. I emphasised that this was completely my issue and that it often happens, and was nothing to do with her. I also told her about the fact that I don't like to watch P any more and that through consistent abstinence the brain can rewire, but that I needed more time to fully heal. I expected her to become colder with me, for awkwardness to set in and the connection between us to become tainted. I couldn't believe it when she responded: she told me that she'd watched a video about it online before, and that she understood that watching P can escalate sexual taste to unrealistic levels. That was basically going to be my next sentence! She asked me if I wished I never watched P, to which I replied 'of course!'. If only she knew how badly I wished that haha. She thanked me for trusting her and was even warmer - I don't think I've ever felt as accepted in my life as we continued to cuddle after that moment. That was our final night together - we travelled to different countries the following day after we shared a tearful breakfast. We had discussed the idea that we would meet again after travelling, though I was sceptical (yet hopeful) as we were both returning to busy lives, and she lives in a different country. We agreed not to book anything, and to see how we felt once both our trips were done. Almost 2 months later and we are both back in our home countries, and have kept in touch - we have now also booked a holiday away with each other in November! Back in June/July I'm not sure I would have believed that any of this would happen. It's crazy and in a way futile as neither of us want to be in a long-distance relationship, or want to move countries, but I'm sure we'll have a good time together. To an extent I don't mind - I just want to keep her in my life and continue to add to her life in some way or another because she's special. I struggled to readjust to the corporate world in my new job once back in the UK. Unfortunately that meant 3 weeks of PMO. I'm not happy about it but it's happened, and I'm almost a week clean now so things are looking good. I've settled in over the past week and feel much better about my job now. It's also worth mentioning that my travelling was largely PMO free bar 1.5 weeks at the end where I was ill and had a bad 3 or 4 days. Since returning to the UK I've definitely been successful in some ways in changing the way I live my life. I've regained control over my time, assessed some friendships which weren't adding to my life as much as I would like, and am drinking and smoking less. I also ran the London Marathon for charity in sub-4 hours, which I'm super happy with considering I couldn't train while away. I've continued pursuits in learning another language, and have tried a new hobby by myself. I can't wait to continue Apologies Thisworld, I don't think I can answer this as have PMOd quite a lot over the last 3 weeks or so. Chems thanks so much for the message. I remember signing up to the forum and always struggling to find someone in my position to relate to (it's quite specific), so am very pleased to be able to be that person for you. I highly encourage you to start writing posts of your own - from my experience it makes the journey far more manageable, even if you don't think it will! Hope you're well and look forward to seeing your progress
Been doing well lately - not been easy but I've stayed present and coped with challenges. Also accepting that I will be up some days and down others, especially while on the first few weeks of this journey, has helped me to get through lower moments. Going on holiday with the girl I met travelling this week! Can't wait
Hi, @UK Don , great that you're doing well. I have a question, it seems that you're meeting vanilla girls, how arousing is it for you? Do you find them arousing from the get go? Do you treat them in a vanilla way or do you "push" them towards fetish? Sorry if the question is too direct but I find it interesting as a fellow femdom addict.
Hey @niskanen91 I hope you're well too. In answer to your question, I do find them arousing but I do not feel the same level of arousal as when watching fetish PMO. However, in real life I do not feel the urge when with a girl to act out my fetishes - I have found that naturally when in bed with a girl I want to be more dominant, however at this stage in the reboot / recovery process I can't keep an erection. I got back from my holiday this week, it was incredible. It felt like a dream. My feelings for the girl are still there, it's such a shame we live in different countries as we both agreed we want to be in a relationship with each other but don't want to do long distance. I couldn't stay hard whenever we tried to have sex, but every time she would be completely open and accepting and I would get her off in other ways. On the final day we showered together and I stayed hard, so she started to give me a handjob. It felt incredible but we had to leave to catch our flight. She played with my dick in the taxi over as it stayed hard in there too. I was super aroused at this point - it really gives me faith that I'm going to make this recovery. I'm definitely going to meet up with the girl again in her or my country. It's a connection too precious and rare to waste.
Tough stressful day at work, urge to escape was strong. I MOd in the shower yesterday too so don't know if there was a bit of a chaser. Rode it out though and so pleased now!
Is any one get rid from femdom Fantasy i really want to know if some one have was rid from this it will give me confidence to quit it
The last month has been a tough one. Work has been very stressful - my hours have been 9am to 11pm on average. I PMOd quite a lot through this period out of stress and wish to escape, but would only do so once the workload actually died down. When work was so busy that I didn't have time to think I wouldn't PMO as I was so preoccupied. Whilst on one hand this meant that I didn't PMO, it also wasn't particularly good for me in healing and overcoming my addiction through reconnecting with myself. It was more of just a distraction really. I can't afford to let this continue when I go back in January. I've had the last week and a bit off, and have another week before I go back to work. I've found this Christmas period really hard to be honest. Much harder than any Christmas period before in my life. I think the amount of personal growth I've made in the last year (new job, marathon, solo travelling in a different continent, deep emotional honest connection with a girl) has brought me closer to my authentic self. It's allowed me to shed some of the behaviours/myths about myself that I developed when I was younger to replace the intimate connection that I lacked with myself and others. As I've shed these behaviours but returned to my family over Christmas, my 'guard' is down and I have found it difficult without it as a coping mechanism. I have managed not to PMO, though the last couple of days I have felt the urge. As I type this it feels clear to me that the root cause of my addiction is the gap between the life I have created for myself, and the life that my true self would be living if it were not trying to please anyone else. Of course I feel lonely/disconnected when I work long hours working from home in a tough job, when I am probably doing it to please my Dad. Equally though, it is no surprise I have created my life this way when my parents would disconnect and cease their conditional love for me if I did not act in a way that pleased them, especially my Dad. I have memories of my Dad screaming at a 12 year-old me for refusing to wear speedos at the beach, instead wanting to wear beach shorts. I have blocked a lot of these memories out, but perhaps it is important that I recall them to better my understanding of why I have this gap between my current life and the life my authentic self would be living. They prove that I was not wrong for wanting to wear longer shorts, or for wanting a certain haircut, or for not wanting my school's logo on my history project when I was 13 years-old because other kids would have laughed, I was just expressing my opinion. My Dad was in the wrong for being controlling and then irrationally angry when my opinion differed from his. Younger me did not understand this and instead blamed himself, changed his behaviours to please his Dad, and filled the gap that the lack of love left with PMOing. Now as an independent man I don't need these behaviours anymore but they are still wired into me. When I feel the urge to do them, offering myself compassion and a reminder that PMOing is no longer required and no longer serves me as a coping mechanism can help me to overcome it. As an independent man I am worthy of love regardless of how I have been treated or how I have acted previously. Instead, I should act in accordance with principles that I find paramount, and treat both myself and others with: 1. Honesty 2. Kindness 3. Empathy I have not put a lot of thought into these. They are the first 3 that came to me but are all important to me. If I can look back at myself at the end of the day and say that I acted in accordance with these in the way that I treat myself and others, then I should be proud. This afternoon my family have all gone, and I am in my hometown for another day before heading back to the city. I've felt unsettled and restless all day and close to PMO tbh. I just sat on the sofa this afternoon in an empty living room, and started to listen to Gabor Mate. I just burst into tears out of nowhere. I lay on the floor, talking to myself about the way I felt, then spoke as if the girl was next to me and explained why I am struggling, what my addiction has done for me in the past, how it no longer serves me, and how despite understanding all this it is still overwhelmingly hard. I spoke from the heart whilst sobbing, I don't know where it all came from really. I just tried to open up to myself and listen to how I felt. I feel much calmer now and am pleased I did it. I think I need to take more time to do this going forward. Not the whole sobbing/talking thing but just listening to myself and asking myself difficult questions to get to the cause of why I currently am the way I am. I suppose it's just self therapy really. @Lucifer In answer to your question I can not say for sure, but just know that the more you feel a deep, genuine, emotional (not just sexual appearance) connection with others, the less you will be inclined to act in accordance to your fetish. That is what I have found in my experience anyway. On a brighter note I have reflected quite a lot on the last year. It's been the best year of my life and I've made lots of progress that I'm proud of. Quit a job, got a more prestigious job Probably PMOd less than any other year Learned that what I had with the girl from work came from a place of emptiness, hence the hurt Went solo-travelling in another continent for 2 months - I've always wanted to go solo Made an incredible connection with an amazing girl who lives in another country whilst travelling. Kept in touch, been on holiday, have more plans Tried bouldering, one of my resolutions from last year Ran a marathon for charity Progressed my understanding of my addiction Time for some new resolutions for next year!
Resolutions: Daily screen time below 1 hour (mobile + personal laptop) Meditate (15 min daily) Sub 19 minute 5k Continue learning second language (daily) The girl came over for NYE and a few days after. They were such fun days and we got on better than ever. I also had a wet dream the night before she arrived, and another the second night while she was in my bed hahaha, she didn’t notice though. We act as though we are in a relationship when we’re together but remaining single which is ideal. Will be heading to her country to see her in Feb! As I mentioned in my last post, Christmas was a tough period for me. On the morning of the 30th I got the train to London and felt genuinely depressed for maybe the first time ever, even though she was coming over to see me. I just couldn’t shake how going home had made me feel. After the last 4 days though I feel fresh and have a renewed perspective of how I will live my life. Looking forward to kicking it into gear tomorrow. The girl is so understanding it is honestly unbelievable for me. She will often try to give me a hj/bj and is not remotely phased when I can’t stay hard. She continues kissing me and is so sweet if we ever talk about it. Sometimes I will try to push her away if I can’t get/stay hard out of embarrassment, to which she will tell me it’s not problem and it really doesn’t matter! This sort of acceptance is alien to me and can often bring a tear to my eye when I think about it. The fears running through my mind that my ED is pushing her away are silenced, enabling me to act more myself with her and in turn not push her away with resultant needy/embarrassed behaviour.
31 day streak, unfortunately relapsed 2xPMO for about 2 hours. Determined not to let this derail my progress. Chin up, and focus on tomorrow.
Unfortunately 4x more PMO over the last two days. Done a lot of deep thinking today about myself today, completed a future authoring task for the next 3-5 years. Completed one in 2020 and met some goals but not others. Feeling positive going forward, going to work on small daily tasks. Today was my last PMO. It's hard to cut it out my psyche as I identify with it, which is why I've always relapsed. It was hard today but I've finally managed to do it. I've accepted that it is no longer a part of me. I don't hate it, it's just a way that I would soothe myself when I couldn't cope with life. I don't need it anymore though, it no longer serves me.
Hi Bro, I share the same fetishes and which book really helped me was "You are not your Brain". It is perfect for people like us who trained the brain into these unhealthy feitshes that are damaging in the long run and not what we truly identify with. It really helped me. BR
This post is long overdue. So much has happened since January in my personal life but my mental health has spiralled alongside it. The main reason it has spiralled is work and feeling disconnected to myself I think. January was a super tough month. I worked stupidly long hours again for a manager who did not treat me well. I relapsed a few times but generally kept a grip of my addiction through focusing on the fact that in early February I would get a rest when visiting the girl again. I just really didn't want my ED to be bad when I saw her. I was pretty drained on the day I flew to see her. I stayed with her for over a week, and met lots of her family. They were lovely and looked after me. I then stayed with just her for a few days. We talked a couple of times about our situation. She would bring it up, asking why we couldn't be exclusive. I was scared to commit, and couldn't see how long-distance would work; we'd both previously told each other that we didn't want a long-distance relationship. On the penultimate day she asked me again while we were having lunch, mid-hike. I gave my reasons and explained that it was purely the distance. The truth is that earlier in the trip I had been considering asking her to be my girlfriend already, so even I was not convinced by my 'no' this time. We sat for about 10 minutes in silence, shoulder to shoulder with my are around her. Not awkwardly, just thinking. I asked her to be my girlfriend and revealed I had been considering it, but that logically it seemed difficult. She agreed, but we went for it anyway . I booked my next trip to see her 3 weeks later whilst still on the hike. Also I should mention that this trip is the first time I had penetrative sex! Finally! It was anti-climactic (in the figurative and literal sense) but it is great to hit that milestone . I did use viagra, though on some occasions I didn't and we could still have sex. Getting back to work in the UK was tough. The return to busy and stressful work was a shock to the system and I relapsed again a few times. I could feel my progress starting to slip mentally which hurt, as it would make me feel less connected to my gf and those around me. Combined with early starts and late finishes all in my bedroom in stressful conditions, I felt pretty isolated. I could hold on though as it was only 3 weeks until my next trip, on which I visited her again. The weekend was really fun, and I felt connected to her again almost instantly. We did fun stuff and spent time with her family. I worked during the week from her place which was actually very stressful again, and I was ready for the weekend come the end of the week. We had a super fun weekend and by the end of it we were very close, and we told each other that we loved each other. We scheduled another trip to see each other a month later, this time as more of a holiday in a different country. It was about a month away, and this intermittent time was really tough. Work stress caught up with me and I isolated myself a lot from my housemates, but still, I held on and pushed through whilst relapsing a lot. I had about 5 days no PMO before going on the next holiday, so took a lot of viagra with me to compensate (not something I want to become reliant on). The holiday was excellent, though there were moments that I felt disconnected from her. This had only really happened once before. She wound me up at points but I think this was actually partly me being impatient, and insecure due to my mental state. Not insecure in terms of jealousy as I completely trust her, but insecure in myself and feeling as though she was being a little rude to me. Whilst this was true on one occasion, I was not 100% stable. Small things would get to me that I would never normally notice. I think from her point of view everything was as normal. Most of the holiday though was super fun, and I loved being with her. She's amazing and I can't wait to keep on seeing her, though there will be a break now until the next time as we are busy. Since I returned about 2 weeks ago, Life has been off the rails. I've been more isolated than I have in a very long time, completely shutting myself away at points. This work project has really taken away a lot of my personal drive and motivation to look after myself in my free time. I am so used to working long hours that I started to slack off with work during the day and procrastinate as I knew I could do it in the evening. I would PMO multiple times while I was meant to be working, then it would get to 7,8,9 pm and that feeling of dread would fill me as I realised I had almost no time to complete the work which should have been done by 6/7. How do you come up with an excuse for this? Well my answer would be to log on at 6am and start early, and so the cycle continued. Work early, procrastinate in the afternoon and evening, start late at night then panic, start early. It was horrible. The project finally finished and I am left exhausted, in worse physical shape than I have been in quite a long time, and I feel completely disconnected from myself. While relapsing I lost the desire to fight my addiction. I just accepted it as a soothing mechanism. It has left me pretty broken to be honest. I think that all of the late nights that I stayed working for the firm rather than taking time to look after my mental and physical health have hit me like a train (and still are). It is only now that I am really, really trying to reconnect with myself to get back on the right path. I am grateful I have managed to reach this headspace again. I am so tired of relapsing and suffering, I need to fight it again. I have come to a massive crossroads in my head. The reason my relationship with my gf is so amazing to me is that I can be completely honest with her, e.g. telling her about my PIED. I think that part of my disconnection to her stems from the fact that I am not being open with her about my struggle with my addiction. I really want to open up to her about this, but part of me thinks this is a terrible idea. I am scared that I will hurt her (I have researched the effects of revealing porn addiction to partners and it can be devastating) and that's the last thing I want to do. In this way I think it would be selfish to share that burden with her and potentially harm her in the long run for the sake of me feeling more connected to her. Perhaps I just want to tell her about it because I think it would help me with my recovery? This would be very selfish, and I don't think its true. The other side to this is that if I am 100% open and honest with her about it then it may bring us closer together. Having written the above out in this journal, I'm pretty sure sharing it with her is not a good idea. This addiction was present before I met her and is not something that is caused by her, or even related to her really. It is my own flawed method of soothing myself when I cannot deal with and process my own emotions. I need to work on myself to beat it, she can't do that for me. If only I can deal with it, I don't think telling her is a good idea. Another issue I am having is that I cannot orgasm from sex with her. Admittedly, I am rarely on a large streak when I see her and think this is playing into it, especially when I consider that I was able to cum from humping my bed last year while on a larger streak. I'm hoping that if I can get back on track now that I will be on a large streak next time I see her, so things may be different. All in all, life's felt pretty shit but with intermittent escapes to other countries which have been incredible. If I take a step back, though, it is important to acknowledge the progress I have made - I have a girlfriend and I can have sex! This is something I genuinely believed impossible. I thought I was so broken that I would never be able to do this, and now I can. I have also built a relationship with a girl in which we love and trust each other so much that we are willing to put in the effort to maintain a long-distance relationship. This is truly beautiful to me and I hate the fact that my addiction makes me takes this for granted. My aim for next 2 or 3 weeks is to rebuild my own life here in the UK. I want to start playing more sport again, seeing more friends, running, working out, listening to new music, cooking new meals, visiting new places in London on my bike, planning fun things for the rest of the year! All important aspects of life which I let my work strip away from me. This has been an incredibly important life lesson in the importance of setting boundaries with your career. My firm could not give a flying fuck about me, so I should reciprocate the attitude if I sense my job overstepping my boundaries. I am mid-way through catching up with life in my personal journal too which feels good. I know this will feel like a large weight off my shoulders once done. This is not a success story yet, but I am slowly getting there! The last year has been one of complete transformation of my life. I need to focus on the small steps again so that in 1 year's time I can say the same thing again.
PMO binged since my last post. I think that a big part of the reason for my relapses is the way I'm feeling about my job at the moment. I feel anxious and dissatisfied with it at the moment. I need to look at the bigger picture in more difficult moments - it's not my dream job but its good for the time being. The more I put in, the more I will get out.
8 days down. I finally feel that I'm reconnecting with myself again. Listening to my thoughts. Completing more difficult things/tasks again. Trying to reframe things positively in my head. Trying to objectify women less. All positive steps. I've definitely had some tough moments in the last week and I am proud to have maintained the presence of mind to deal with them.
Well done on reaching that milestone Don. Even though it may not have felt like a great experience it must be a weight off your shoulders. It seems like you have a decent job, but it also sounds stressful. You already know what you need to do. Make some time for yourself - your physical and mental health should come first.
Hi UK Don, I am also in the UK. I am long happily married and I have told my wife about my addiction. But as you say at the moment it might be better if you didn't early in a relationship. Over not having an O with sex with your partner, are you on any antidepressants (the SSRIs) as they can cause an inability to have O or delayed O. There are other medications that have the same effect. Just worth checking.
