@UK Don I'm so happy that I stumbled on this journal, I am 20 now and your story is very inspiring and I can feel like I can finally relate to someone. I've always assumed I'll quit and I've tried many times but now time feels like it's running out and I need to tackle this. I hope you're doing ok and know that you've given me something very valuable with this journal.
Long time since my last post! I've had a crazy few months. Solo travelling is the best thing I've done in my life. If you can do it, then do it. The people I met and the experiences I had have definitely changed me for the better. I feel lucky and privileged for my time away. For much of the travelling from place to place I was alone, so had plenty of time to think. Resultantly I have returned to the UK with a new perspective on how I want to live my life. I updated my physical journal with every day from my trip, but would prefer to keep the details away from the internet. I met a girl while away. At first I met her at a hostel, but she left before me so I got her number. We bumped into each other at another hostel a few days later, and got to know each other a bit on a night out together, kissing, dancing etc. I knew I wanted to see her again after we parted ways for the second time, so we met up in a different city after a few more days. We had a great time and she changed her plans for the next week to mirror mine. That week was one of the best of my life. I've never connected with anyone the way that we did. Neither of us could stop saying how lucky we felt. She's younger than me but taught me so much through the way she lives her life - always positive, outgoing, kind, honest, affectionate, non-judgemental. I struggled with ED in the bedroom. On the second occasion I opened up to her as I couldn't bare the thought that my ED would make her feel unattractive or unwanted. I explained that watching P from a young age had impacted the 'wiring' of my ability to become aroused, and to stay hard. I emphasised that this was completely my issue and that it often happens, and was nothing to do with her. I also told her about the fact that I don't like to watch P any more and that through consistent abstinence the brain can rewire, but that I needed more time to fully heal. I expected her to become colder with me, for awkwardness to set in and the connection between us to become tainted. I couldn't believe it when she responded: she told me that she'd watched a video about it online before, and that she understood that watching P can escalate sexual taste to unrealistic levels. That was basically going to be my next sentence! She asked me if I wished I never watched P, to which I replied 'of course!'. If only she knew how badly I wished that haha. She thanked me for trusting her and was even warmer - I don't think I've ever felt as accepted in my life as we continued to cuddle after that moment. That was our final night together - we travelled to different countries the following day after we shared a tearful breakfast. We had discussed the idea that we would meet again after travelling, though I was sceptical (yet hopeful) as we were both returning to busy lives, and she lives in a different country. We agreed not to book anything, and to see how we felt once both our trips were done. Almost 2 months later and we are both back in our home countries, and have kept in touch - we have now also booked a holiday away with each other in November! Back in June/July I'm not sure I would have believed that any of this would happen. It's crazy and in a way futile as neither of us want to be in a long-distance relationship, or want to move countries, but I'm sure we'll have a good time together. To an extent I don't mind - I just want to keep her in my life and continue to add to her life in some way or another because she's special. I struggled to readjust to the corporate world in my new job once back in the UK. Unfortunately that meant 3 weeks of PMO. I'm not happy about it but it's happened, and I'm almost a week clean now so things are looking good. I've settled in over the past week and feel much better about my job now. It's also worth mentioning that my travelling was largely PMO free bar 1.5 weeks at the end where I was ill and had a bad 3 or 4 days. Since returning to the UK I've definitely been successful in some ways in changing the way I live my life. I've regained control over my time, assessed some friendships which weren't adding to my life as much as I would like, and am drinking and smoking less. I also ran the London Marathon for charity in sub-4 hours, which I'm super happy with considering I couldn't train while away. I've continued pursuits in learning another language, and have tried a new hobby by myself. I can't wait to continue Apologies Thisworld, I don't think I can answer this as have PMOd quite a lot over the last 3 weeks or so. Chems thanks so much for the message. I remember signing up to the forum and always struggling to find someone in my position to relate to (it's quite specific), so am very pleased to be able to be that person for you. I highly encourage you to start writing posts of your own - from my experience it makes the journey far more manageable, even if you don't think it will! Hope you're well and look forward to seeing your progress
Been doing well lately - not been easy but I've stayed present and coped with challenges. Also accepting that I will be up some days and down others, especially while on the first few weeks of this journey, has helped me to get through lower moments. Going on holiday with the girl I met travelling this week! Can't wait
Hi, @UK Don , great that you're doing well. I have a question, it seems that you're meeting vanilla girls, how arousing is it for you? Do you find them arousing from the get go? Do you treat them in a vanilla way or do you "push" them towards fetish? Sorry if the question is too direct but I find it interesting as a fellow femdom addict.
Hey @niskanen91 I hope you're well too. In answer to your question, I do find them arousing but I do not feel the same level of arousal as when watching fetish PMO. However, in real life I do not feel the urge when with a girl to act out my fetishes - I have found that naturally when in bed with a girl I want to be more dominant, however at this stage in the reboot / recovery process I can't keep an erection. I got back from my holiday this week, it was incredible. It felt like a dream. My feelings for the girl are still there, it's such a shame we live in different countries as we both agreed we want to be in a relationship with each other but don't want to do long distance. I couldn't stay hard whenever we tried to have sex, but every time she would be completely open and accepting and I would get her off in other ways. On the final day we showered together and I stayed hard, so she started to give me a handjob. It felt incredible but we had to leave to catch our flight. She played with my dick in the taxi over as it stayed hard in there too. I was super aroused at this point - it really gives me faith that I'm going to make this recovery. I'm definitely going to meet up with the girl again in her or my country. It's a connection too precious and rare to waste.
Tough stressful day at work, urge to escape was strong. I MOd in the shower yesterday too so don't know if there was a bit of a chaser. Rode it out though and so pleased now!
Is any one get rid from femdom Fantasy i really want to know if some one have was rid from this it will give me confidence to quit it
The last month has been a tough one. Work has been very stressful - my hours have been 9am to 11pm on average. I PMOd quite a lot through this period out of stress and wish to escape, but would only do so once the workload actually died down. When work was so busy that I didn't have time to think I wouldn't PMO as I was so preoccupied. Whilst on one hand this meant that I didn't PMO, it also wasn't particularly good for me in healing and overcoming my addiction through reconnecting with myself. It was more of just a distraction really. I can't afford to let this continue when I go back in January. I've had the last week and a bit off, and have another week before I go back to work. I've found this Christmas period really hard to be honest. Much harder than any Christmas period before in my life. I think the amount of personal growth I've made in the last year (new job, marathon, solo travelling in a different continent, deep emotional honest connection with a girl) has brought me closer to my authentic self. It's allowed me to shed some of the behaviours/myths about myself that I developed when I was younger to replace the intimate connection that I lacked with myself and others. As I've shed these behaviours but returned to my family over Christmas, my 'guard' is down and I have found it difficult without it as a coping mechanism. I have managed not to PMO, though the last couple of days I have felt the urge. As I type this it feels clear to me that the root cause of my addiction is the gap between the life I have created for myself, and the life that my true self would be living if it were not trying to please anyone else. Of course I feel lonely/disconnected when I work long hours working from home in a tough job, when I am probably doing it to please my Dad. Equally though, it is no surprise I have created my life this way when my parents would disconnect and cease their conditional love for me if I did not act in a way that pleased them, especially my Dad. I have memories of my Dad screaming at a 12 year-old me for refusing to wear speedos at the beach, instead wanting to wear beach shorts. I have blocked a lot of these memories out, but perhaps it is important that I recall them to better my understanding of why I have this gap between my current life and the life my authentic self would be living. They prove that I was not wrong for wanting to wear longer shorts, or for wanting a certain haircut, or for not wanting my school's logo on my history project when I was 13 years-old because other kids would have laughed, I was just expressing my opinion. My Dad was in the wrong for being controlling and then irrationally angry when my opinion differed from his. Younger me did not understand this and instead blamed himself, changed his behaviours to please his Dad, and filled the gap that the lack of love left with PMOing. Now as an independent man I don't need these behaviours anymore but they are still wired into me. When I feel the urge to do them, offering myself compassion and a reminder that PMOing is no longer required and no longer serves me as a coping mechanism can help me to overcome it. As an independent man I am worthy of love regardless of how I have been treated or how I have acted previously. Instead, I should act in accordance with principles that I find paramount, and treat both myself and others with: 1. Honesty 2. Kindness 3. Empathy I have not put a lot of thought into these. They are the first 3 that came to me but are all important to me. If I can look back at myself at the end of the day and say that I acted in accordance with these in the way that I treat myself and others, then I should be proud. This afternoon my family have all gone, and I am in my hometown for another day before heading back to the city. I've felt unsettled and restless all day and close to PMO tbh. I just sat on the sofa this afternoon in an empty living room, and started to listen to Gabor Mate. I just burst into tears out of nowhere. I lay on the floor, talking to myself about the way I felt, then spoke as if the girl was next to me and explained why I am struggling, what my addiction has done for me in the past, how it no longer serves me, and how despite understanding all this it is still overwhelmingly hard. I spoke from the heart whilst sobbing, I don't know where it all came from really. I just tried to open up to myself and listen to how I felt. I feel much calmer now and am pleased I did it. I think I need to take more time to do this going forward. Not the whole sobbing/talking thing but just listening to myself and asking myself difficult questions to get to the cause of why I currently am the way I am. I suppose it's just self therapy really. @Lucifer In answer to your question I can not say for sure, but just know that the more you feel a deep, genuine, emotional (not just sexual appearance) connection with others, the less you will be inclined to act in accordance to your fetish. That is what I have found in my experience anyway. On a brighter note I have reflected quite a lot on the last year. It's been the best year of my life and I've made lots of progress that I'm proud of. Quit a job, got a more prestigious job Probably PMOd less than any other year Learned that what I had with the girl from work came from a place of emptiness, hence the hurt Went solo-travelling in another continent for 2 months - I've always wanted to go solo Made an incredible connection with an amazing girl who lives in another country whilst travelling. Kept in touch, been on holiday, have more plans Tried bouldering, one of my resolutions from last year Ran a marathon for charity Progressed my understanding of my addiction Time for some new resolutions for next year!
Resolutions: Daily screen time below 1 hour (mobile + personal laptop) Meditate (15 min daily) Sub 19 minute 5k Continue learning second language (daily) The girl came over for NYE and a few days after. They were such fun days and we got on better than ever. I also had a wet dream the night before she arrived, and another the second night while she was in my bed hahaha, she didn’t notice though. We act as though we are in a relationship when we’re together but remaining single which is ideal. Will be heading to her country to see her in Feb! As I mentioned in my last post, Christmas was a tough period for me. On the morning of the 30th I got the train to London and felt genuinely depressed for maybe the first time ever, even though she was coming over to see me. I just couldn’t shake how going home had made me feel. After the last 4 days though I feel fresh and have a renewed perspective of how I will live my life. Looking forward to kicking it into gear tomorrow. The girl is so understanding it is honestly unbelievable for me. She will often try to give me a hj/bj and is not remotely phased when I can’t stay hard. She continues kissing me and is so sweet if we ever talk about it. Sometimes I will try to push her away if I can’t get/stay hard out of embarrassment, to which she will tell me it’s not problem and it really doesn’t matter! This sort of acceptance is alien to me and can often bring a tear to my eye when I think about it. The fears running through my mind that my ED is pushing her away are silenced, enabling me to act more myself with her and in turn not push her away with resultant needy/embarrassed behaviour.
31 day streak, unfortunately relapsed 2xPMO for about 2 hours. Determined not to let this derail my progress. Chin up, and focus on tomorrow.
Unfortunately 4x more PMO over the last two days. Done a lot of deep thinking today about myself today, completed a future authoring task for the next 3-5 years. Completed one in 2020 and met some goals but not others. Feeling positive going forward, going to work on small daily tasks. Today was my last PMO. It's hard to cut it out my psyche as I identify with it, which is why I've always relapsed. It was hard today but I've finally managed to do it. I've accepted that it is no longer a part of me. I don't hate it, it's just a way that I would soothe myself when I couldn't cope with life. I don't need it anymore though, it no longer serves me.
Hi Bro, I share the same fetishes and which book really helped me was "You are not your Brain". It is perfect for people like us who trained the brain into these unhealthy feitshes that are damaging in the long run and not what we truly identify with. It really helped me. BR
