@TrueDat its reassuring to hear from someone who knows how it feels - I always imagined the worst part would be the embarrassment of not being able to get it up, but to be frank, that was more of an annoyance than anything else. Waking up the following day next to someone who you felt close to the night before who is now cold and indifferent towards you hurts though. Especially when, as you say, you try to emphasise that they aren’t the issue but they of course don’t believe you. I felt useless in myself, and that I’d hurt her. @hope2overcome thanks for your kind words. You’ve helped me refocus on my situation from a more objective perspective. I have made significant progress and that’s not something I should overlook. I guess it’s just easier for a lot of us to concentrate on the work that still needs to be done than admire our progress so far. Regarding your situation, I can absolutely relate to girls being interested and not having the nerve to address their interest. I spent my entire university experience doing it in fact. Don’t feel useless, just focus on no PMO. Every time in my life that I’ve made progress with girls has been whilst on a streak of no PMO, it creates that hunger and desire inside us to respond to them brushing past us, or catching our eye. In terms of an update since my last post, I did follow my plan to concentrate on other areas of my life. I felt I didn’t have a choice as the day of my last post was one of the worst days I’ve had in a very long time. The emotions I experienced are precisely the ones I spent my childhood escaping through PMO, so I am honestly proud that I rode that day out. I called off my weekend plans of going out at night, and opted for a sober weekend of sorting my shit out for the coming week(s), as well as some studying. At the weekend one of my friends asked me if I fancied a trip away this week on which I could still wfh. I feel greatful for this as it’s a change of scenery which has been great for me. I needed a breather and I’m getting it now, slowing life down a bit and focusing on work, study, and recharging. Today I didn’t look at my phone from the minute I woke up until about 15:30, only to find a text from the girl from work, asking me if I was free tonight. She is still interested after all - I said I’m busy but could meet next week. I was relieved/shocked/chuffed to see her text as I’d accepted the fact that she’d no longer want to see me. I would love to spend more time with her, but I’m unsure whether it’s the best idea right now. I’m considering explaining my situation to her if we do meet to avoid further disappointment and hurt (not that I’m an ‘addict’ but simply porn has impacted my erections, but I’ve learned about it now and have stopped watching so will improve). I’m nervous about doing this as I’ve never told anyone, let alone a colleague. The only reason I am considering it is that she opened up to me about some very deep stuff from her childhood last time we met which she hasn’t told anyone. I have the rest of the week to ponder this so won’t rush to a conclusion. Also, tomorrow is 69 days
Going to jot down a few morning thoughts as I’ve just had a beaut coffee whilst listening to an earthy, chuggy, but ambient DJ set and I’m feeling reflective. I just re-read my very first post on this forum. 2019! I can’t believe over 3 years has passed. My life has changed an awful lot and I’ve changed an awful lot as a person as well. I still vividly remember writing that initial post sat in my bedroom at home in my bed on the Christmas break from Uni. I was lost and desperate - I had known about YBR for a while before that but had convinced myself I would recover without it. That day though, I reached the point of being so sick of failing that I swallowed my ‘pride’ and began to document my story/progress. So how have I changed? Well physically, I’m in great shape these days. I’m pretty fit in terms of strength and cardio, and I enjoy cooking delicious healthy meals for the most part as well as letting go here and there and indulging in unhealthy stuff. For me it’s a great balance that works. I have also started to smoke more. I’ve always smoked when drinking but I’m smoking 2-3 a day sober at the moment. I’m in no rush to cut it out as there’s no need to do everything at once, but in the long run I want to stop. Another difference is of course that I’m circumcised now. My tight foreskin haunted my childhood so this has been an integral step to my recovery so far. Other than that, the only thing I can think of is that the back injury I was carrying at the time of writing my first post has healed fairly well and doesn’t bother me much these days. I’ve picked up a few other injuries here and there, but such is life. Oh, and my haircut is better now. Overall I’m pretty good. Emotionally, I’m as lost as you might expect a 24 year-old P addict who is engaging with women for the first time to be. Girls are constantly on my mind and interrupt my train of thought on runs, at work, while watching tv, at the pub with friends, you name it. Their lack of interest can make me feel small, ugly, unworthy. Their interest and affection can make me feel successful, a level of contentment - more normal. I accept that it is human nature that they will have some level of impact on my emotions, but ideally this would not be to such an extreme degree. That’s the long term goal though, and I’m in the process of learning to deal with my emotions in a more mature and sustainable way (as we all are). The fact that I’m moving on this journey and am proving to myself that I can get through the hard days with no PMO as a crutch is good, and I’m proud of myself. I’m proud because my 20 year-old self was so lost in P that I was genuinely unsure whether my sexual tastes were warped by P, or I actually wanted some of the fucked up stuff I would watch. Even as a 21, 22, 23 year-old I still didn’t know. It’s only after periods of abstinence and intimate connection with a real woman that I no longer question this, and that is something which I made happen. That is concrete progress even if not tangible. My 20 year-old self also had very limited resilience when dealing with negative emotions. Any stress, uncertainty, discomfort, embarrassment would inevitably lead to one thing. I’m proving to myself now that I can deal with these emotions, and therefore the challenges of life. I don’t know what I want to do with my career. My job is ticking over and I’m doing pretty well - I get praised by my manager and am ranked in the top cohort of grads. Whilst that’s great, I’m going to have to move role this year and don’t like any of the vacant roles. I want to be more proactive in driving the direction of my career over the next few years in my life. Doing so can set me up for a more fulfilling career in terms of both satisfaction and finances. I used to do more on this front but since moving to the city I’ve been making up for lost time in my social life. Time to rebalance to something that will work for me in the long run. I still have so, so far to go. I have PIED, am still a virgin (just), and still undeniably seek the validation of others and use it as a source of self-worth. But equally I have come a very long way - sometimes it’s important to remind ourselves of that, as progress can inspire further progress.
Today was tough. I slept poorly last night and struggled to focus all day as a result. I spent far too long on my phone, watching YouTube and reading people’s journals on this website whilst I should have been working and studying. One of the journals I was reading towards the end of the working day had some femdom triggers in - they fired up my pathways again and I felt the pull to relapse. My addict brain really pushed for me to give in and watch porn, using arguments like ‘if you just PMO today, it will barely set back your streak’, and ‘you may as well PMO because you won’t be able to get hard for the girl you’ve been seeing anyway’. Obviously both arguments are innately floored when challenged with rationale, however in the heat of the moment we (as addicts) aren’t rational creatures. Nevertheless I’m pleased to report I held it together and didn’t even glimpse at P. Instead I went for a run after work and tried for a 5k PB, which I got! Feels good to be part of the sub-20 min club as I’ve been trying for a long time. It genuinely feels like some sort of karma; I didn’t cave in to my addiction, and was rewarded with the healthy joy of a new PB . Today has reminded me of the importance of keeping dopamine low in the mornings if I want to focus and avoid relapse - the best way I’ve found of doing this is switching my phone off as soon as my alarm goes and leaving it off until the mid afternoon. Will do this tomorrow. I’ve been thinking over whether I will message the girl this week to meet up. I know she’s keen to do so from her message last week but after thinking about it over the last few days, I’m not sure it’d be a good idea for me at the moment. This is mainly because I just don’t think I’m far enough into my reboot yet as I believe I’m a pretty severe case, so wouldn’t be able to get and stay hard again when trying to have sex. Therefore I have two options as I see it: 1. Meet up and tell her pretty early on about P impacting my erections, but that I’m well on my way to being mended. I think she’d be quite understanding but you never know, and I run the risk of her telling others in my work social circle. 2. Leave it for the time being even though last week I said I’d be down to do something this week. This would be a shame as I like spending time with her and it generally leaves me in a pretty good head space, but even so I’m currently thinking I need to take that on the chin at the moment in order to come good in the long run. If anyone has any thoughts on this I’d be interested to hear them.
Last night was super tough too. Organised to meet the girl after work, had a great evening with a delicious meal and went to a cool by bar by the river after. We were both in good spirits and she ordered us a cab back. We missed the cab as she was in the toilet, so I ordered one. As soon as we got in the cab she went silent and started to answer with one word answers. I got back to hers and she was barely saying anything so I collected my bike lights and left. As I was about to hop on my bike I called her to ask if she was alright or if I had upset her, she said no. I then asked why she was being so off with me, she said she wasn’t but that she was just tired. I didn’t buy it as she changed from 100 to 0 in an instant, so just said ‘fair enough I’ve not really got anything else to say’, then undid my bike. She then texted me saying she didn’t wanna leave it like that and to come back. I did as I wanted to talk it through with her and I was very confused about her change in mood. As soon as I went in I could tell she was still in a bit of a weird mood - perhaps she was more drunk than I realised, but I doubt it as we didn’t drink loads. She livened up a little, but then quickly rolled to the other side of the bed to the point that she was almost falling off it. I just lay there thinking ‘fuck this, I’m not staying at someone’s place that clearly doesn’t want me here’, so left. It was midnight at this point so not too late which contributed to my confusion. I was in a bad mood when I got back and didn’t sleep brilliantly as a result. It hurts but last night crossed a bit of a line for me so I won’t be contacting her individually again, but will unfortunately have to in group situations because of work. I wouldn’t have minded if she had just told me that she didn’t want to do anything once we got back, it’s the way she didn’t communicate it clearly at all but decided to just stop talking to me. I wanted to relapse so badly last night and came pretty close just lying in bed trying to get to sleep, feeling rejected. I still feel close to be honest, these moments are so hard to deal with as I now have no close female relationships in my life. I’ve also deleted the dating apps as they were too distracting, so don’t really have an outlet for female communication. Not sure how I’m going to deal with this in the short run. At the moment I’m clinging on to the thought of how grim it would feel to have to reset my counter.
Unfortunately 3x PMO over a span of around 2.15 hrs. My addict brain just really struggled to find a way out of the emotional pain so sought PMO to numb it. This worked for about 45 mins, however once the hit wore off I returned to feeling miserable. Good to confirm that this doesn’t even work to numb emotional pain as never had this issue before so clearly. Determined to continue my good progress. If I can push on through the next few days, I don’t think this slip will impact me too much.
Quite a lot has happened since my last entry. Ultimately I used the relapse (and the fact that it made me less interested in girls temporarily) to focus on my life again, and studied hard for an exam which I've passed. The mental space I got from it allowed me to realign my focus to where it should be in life: my purpose. For me at this point in my life, that is working hard (at work and studying for work related exams), and looking after my health (exercise and diet). On top of this, it's continually trying new things and learning about the world. Anyone that reads the last few months of my journal can see that I struggled to handle dating and women. I have never had fatherly advice of any sort in this aspect of my life other than 'be confident', which isn't overly helpful. My despair and confusion surrounding my encounters with the girl I've talked about explain to me that I am not thinking about myself, or girls, in a healthy way - going through life allowing girls to sway your emotions and their antics to send you from elated to anguish is not sustainable. Instead, a man needs to always remain centered and independent. If a girl wants to be in his life as a result of the great person he is, great. If she doesn't, then that's great too, as he will inevitably encounter and attract another lady he likes if he can develop himself and focus on his purpose whether he feels good, bad, or indifferent. Ironically, this actually often ends up re-attracting any girls who may have started to show less interest in them as they show they are independent, masculine, and unswayed by tests or difficulty in life. If anyone else feels they do not understand women (I don't yet but am finally beginning to), I highly recommend 'How to be a 3% man'. So many interactions I've had with women in the past that have left me dumbfounded suddenly make complete sense. Anyway, PMO wise I am on an 8 day streak, though I have reset my counter to 3 days as I MO'd on Friday.
2nd weekend in April was a bad one, but back on the horse now and 15 days clean. Been thinking about buying viagra for the next opportunity at sex that I get.
Hope you are doing well. Read about that girl and I must say that sometimes girls are just not to be understood, their emotions change so swiftly from one moment to another. Think you did all you could and if she does not want to communicate then she is not worth your time. If she really wants to talk, she will always contact you again. My personal opinion on Viagra is that it is okey to use, it help things going so to say, it has helped me tremendously. Just don't use it forever as a crutch as I have. I guess I have to use it since I still have PIED and has not managed to leave P out of my life for good yet. Best of luck to you,
Thanks bro. You're right - I didn't contact her again which led her to want me again; she reached out to me and asked me for a drink. I accepted and went back to hers but could not get hard again. Will give her some time again and once she messages me I will bring some viagra, but in the meantime I'm going to focus on my work, health, and general self-development. Best of luck to you too!
Things going pretty good. Over the last month or so I applied to a new job at a prestigious firm and landed it. Should start later this summer so will have some time between leaving my current job and starting the next one to go travelling solo! I've decided that I want to gain more control of my inner voice throughout the day though so I will start meditating. Today at work I could not stay on task because my mind kept switching to girls. Other than that, my streak is going well. Had one day (while prepping for final interview) where I was super stressed and wanted to relapse, but other than that I've barely even thought of PMO.
going traveling solo definitely has its benefits, but i've always really enjoyed single's trips (many travel agencies offer this). it's also a great way to meet new people
6 weeks done. Just had the heaviest weekend of my life at festivals. Need to chill out for a bit. Was pretty apparent at times when bumping into girls that I don't have great chat and unless I'm on something then I don't really have the confidence to dance with girls for more than a minute or two - need to develop this. Ideally just need to care less and have fun with them but I'm not actually sure how.
Forgot to say that I tried viagra when I went back to the girl's house but she was very drunk so it wasn't the right time. The next day I got some strong erections th0ugh so I think if I am hungover one Sunday I will ask her to come round and I can try again. I MO'd on Sunday, then had a wet dream that night, then MO'd again on Monday. It's so nice not feeling like a zombie afterwards when not using P. I actually MO'd the first time from humping my bed because I was so hungover and sexually frustrated. It sounds ridiculous but I never thought I would be able to do that. This tells me I have made real progress. I am not going to MO again now at least until July.
9 weeks in. Been feeling fairly good the past few weeks. The void which is often present in the evening doesn't seem to be plaguing me too badly atm.
Been having some femdom dreams lately, the one last night nearly turned into a wet dream but I woke up with blue balls instead. Will probably have a wet dream soon.
Hey there! I've read your journal up until now and much like the others I wish only the best for you. This was especially relevant to me since your initial stages mirrored my own. You may have just started this journal as a reminder to your future self about all that urges you've beaten in the past, but this thread hugely helps people like me too! I'm especially struggling with that aspect, I lose my determination a 1-2 days after PMO and stupidly get back to repeating the exact same mistakes...I've begun to wonder if I really have 2 personalities and it's scary!! Anyway, that's all I wanted to say and gl on your recovery/ P.S I created this account on this website simply to join in on this healing process after reading your thread
Hello @Equi|ibrium! Thanks for your kind message and for reading my journal. It means a lot to me that my journal pushed you to sign up to the website! I can relate to what you're saying, as before I started to write my own journal I found that reading the journal of others who were in the same position as me (fetishes, PMO habits, ED/DE etc) made me feel far less alone and isolated, and resultantly stronger when trying to recover. I would highly recommend beginning your own journal too, not only as a track record of your own progress, but as an outlet for the difficulties you are facing which you might not have anyone to talk to about. It helps you deal with them more rationally in my experience. I wish you the best of luck! Update on my recovery: I had a big wet dream last night (not to fetish dreams for once!). I was due to go for drinks tomorrow with the girl again so had booked some stuff. I let her know the timings yesterday but she asked to rearrange / to change the plans. I barely have any time over the next couple of weeks before I travel and it would be an inconvenience to rearrange as I'm busy from then until now - I simply said 'Maybe we can do another time' and she said 'Sure, we'll do another time'. As a man it's important to show a girl that if she tries to change plans last minute from what you'd agreed, that you're willing to walk away. Otherwise, they'll see you as needy and will lose attraction to you. I may not see her 1-1 before I travel now, and therefore for a few months, but I'm fine with that - I'm staying centred as a man and not bending over backwards to spend time with someone at my inconvenience, who clearly was happy to change plans last minute regardless of the effort I put in to book, and the fact that we had scheduled it in. To be honest I'm actually pretty glad as this wet dream may have impacted my ability to get hard. Also, the break I will get from seeing her while I travel will only be a positive for my physical and mental recovery. In terms of urges, I've experienced few urges for actual P lately, but I noticed in the days leading up to my wet dream that I was getting quite erratic in my behaviour, and often wanting a little dopamine hit through YouTube, social media etc. Going to be more mindful over the next few days and start to make lists again, so that I can be more productive in addressing high priority affairs in my life first. Urges generally start to appear to me when I lost control / am not on top of the most important parts of my life. At Uni this was my studying, now it's when I feel I'm not doing much work or work of good value. I can tell that my dopamine seeking behaviour is almost like a precursor to urges that will arise if I don't take action in correcting my 'flight path' if you like.
