Had a P dream last night, I wonder if it was correlated to visiting this site properly for the first time in a long time. I was very relieved when I woke up. Today was not the easiest - I struggled to really focus and push on at work, and didn't complete my studying. On the flip side, I made a bit of a breakthrough realisation at work, and did a workout when my sport for the evening got canceled. I also ate two delicious and healthy meals. I will try to make tomorrow even better!
Definitely going through a flatline recently, almost feels as though I'm asexual. Not had much of an urge to speak to the girl which is good because I want to give myself some more time to heal first. I'll at least wait until I come out of this flatline.
Another weird dream the night before last, where I was watching P on my laptop while MOing in bed. Even while dreaming about this I felt awful, as if I had just given in. I still felt a little weird when I woke up but was relieved nonetheless. Work is going well at the moment. I am enjoying it and it's keeping me busy. I'm playing sport multiple times a week usually, as well as fitting in workouts and runs where I can. I usually cycle everywhere in London too which I enjoy, especially as I hate getting the tube. Any other free time I have is filled with studying for my exams, or out with friends. If life stays like this for a while I will be happy. That said I did have urges during the morning yesterday. I'm trying to cut down on my caffeine consumption as my mind was feeling scattered in the evenings and I would get mood swings after eating my evening meal, before going to bed (it seems to be helping quite a bit so will continue to limit it). The downside is that the mornings are harder now, and I can struggle for drive/motivation to work. I think I resultantly want to escape as I know I should be working but can struggle to get myself to. I think it's important that I realise that if I am very tired, I should probably just have a coffee; I will happily use coffee as a crutch for a while if it keeps me from PMOing. Overcoming this PMO addiction is an enormous task so I shouldn't overlook it. After all, the way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time!
Learning a lot about addiction lately. Considering seeing a therapist - I think this would be the best way for me to uncover and process my trauma. I just wish they weren't so expensive as I can't really afford it. I've learnt lots in the past from all my relapses, but recently I've been learning about the deep connections between shame and addiction; how those who are most 'dislocated' from society are those most likely to suffer from addiction. In this context, dislocation is a synonym for trauma, or psychosocial disconnection from those around you. In my case, I think my dislocation/trauma arose as a result of both my tight foreskin and lack of interest in sexual intercourse as a young boy. I was bound to feel severely disconnected if all those around me were having/talking about sex as teenagers, but I felt that I wasn't into it, and couldn't partake even if I tried as a result of my foreskin. Resultantly I felt shame - I was not on the same page as my peers, and was inferior. I think I still believe that it was my fault for not fixing my foreskin earlier. Perhaps I still feel ashamed? After all my dad definitely ingrained in me that actions speak much louder than words, so if I failed to act, then I have let myself down. The truth is it was a hard and embarrassing issue to deal with as a boy going through the early stages of puberty. I actually did raise it with my parents around 13/14 and went to the hospital, where I was given some steroid cream by a nurse who said I didn't need a circumcision. This didn't really work but I never really wanted to raise the issue with my parents again which is probably another reason I feel shame. I guess they could have checked in with me too. Now that I've spelt this out and considered it, I don't really know what to do with this information. So, I shouldn't feel shameful over not acting, but at the same time should I really just shift the blame to my parents? Or perhaps I shouldn't be looking to assign blame. The issue happened the way it did despite everyone doing their best, and that's ok as we're all only human. But now what? I think this is where I would need to pick up with a psychotherapist...
Damn, that is a deeply personal -th have a tight foreskin. And that is ok to be shameful about sexual organs in teenhood. In fact, I was shameful to and have never done a discussion with my dad about my genitalia. That is just did not fit right. Parents really should to help with such things and discuss it with teens but that is rare to happen. Anyway, that is great to self-analyze but you can not stuck in the past forever. It is a time to move forward.
24 days in. I'm feeling good about my progress but am trying to remain vigilant and mindful. I'm learning that remaining mindful in stressful situations is very hard but it is important that I try to learn how to do it. I think this is probably the best way I could deal with negative emotions caused by stress, as it does not use any sort of crutch or lead to any new vice. It is completely internal and therefore versatile, in that I can use it in any situation where I encounter negative emotions.
Thanks! @niskanen91 Tomorrow I’m going on a date with the colleague I mentioned in an earlier post, however today I feel as though I entered flatline. I’m still excited though - I’ve never been on a date before!
The date on Wednesday went really well. We went for food, got a few drinks, and went back to hers. We ended up kissing and fondling, then I stayed at hers. On Friday and Saturday I had very heavy nights on the booze and substances so had a horrible hangover today. I decided to text the girl to see if she fancied chilling and watching a film. She was game, so I headed over. After some Netflix I initiated kissing and fondling again, then moved down to give her oral. It felt as though she had an orgasm, and afterwards she told me that I was really good at it which I was chuffed with for my first time. It's nice that I have now kissed, fondled, given oral etc. while sober. We stopped when she asked me to take my boxers off, as I told her that I couldn't get hard because of the substances I had taken in the early morning. She wasn't too offended by this and we watched some more tv after. I wasn't really in the headspace to have sex. I'm very sleep deprived and have rinsed my serotonin over the last few days so think this may have contributed to my weak erection. Hopefully next time it will be stronger so I can try to penetrate.
At the start of this week, my thoughts in the morning, during the day, and in the evening, would constantly gravitate back to thinking about the girl; I would constantly thinking about what she thinks of me, what I think of her, when/how I will next see her etc. This was especially true first thing in the morning and last think at night. My work has really picked up this week, things are much busier. Resultantly I've been forced to re-shift my focus on work, and along with it myself more generally. This has been a moment of pleasant respite, as since Christmas I've struggled to find the passion/motivation I've felt toward my job previously. I've also been able to stick to my plans better, in terms of diet, exercise, and life admin, and am thinking less frequently about the girl. The product of this is that I'm feeling better about myself more generally. This weekend I have deliberately turned down plans my friends have suggested so that I can stay sober and continue with this re-shift of my focus. Today is also 5 weeks PMO free. I sense a wet dream coming
39 days in and I’ve had my first wet dream. This is pretty consistent with previous reboot attempts. I was aware of it happening despite it being in a dream. My brain did use fetish imagery to encourage the orgasm - I thought I was awake and relapsing as it happened. Hopefully the fact that the fetish pathways were firing in my sleep won’t set my progress back at all. On the bright side, over the last few days I’ve noticed I’ve experienced a few small urges. Up until this point of the reboot I’d barely felt them, so hoping this release will allow me to return to that headspace.
40 days in. I think the reason I’ve been feeling more urges lately is that the girl I’ve been seeing hasn’t replied to my text. This is making me question whether she likes me, and therefore subconsciously I think making me question my own self worth, as I believe I have learnt to derive this from the validation of others. I can clearly see how my addiction is something I’ve used to soothe negative emotions; no one wants to question their own value, and my response to this has been to create a source of validation through PMO. This is of course only temporary and ceases to work once you O. It’s paramount that I learn to accept these emotions, and deal with them in a more healthy way. I need to continue to be conscious of the negative emotions as I feel them, do my best to understand why I feel them, and then persist to mature emotionally to the point that a girl not replying to my text does not lead me to jump to the conclusion that she does not like me, so I must not be worthy of affection/love. The reality of course is that life gets in the way, and the conversation over text was pretty dry. Furthermore, regardless of whether or not she likes me, I am still worthy of being liked as long as I am truly happy with myself. This leads me to my next point, which is that also contributing to my negative feelings at the moment is the fact that I am procrastinating with my studying. I need to prove to myself that I can stick to my own promises again, and demonstrate self-efficacy. I’ve taken the first step by booking in my exam for next month, and will do 2 hours of studying today. After work, I will go for a jog too, as I enjoy doing this, it is good for my body, and is my favourite way to clear my head. Days like yesterday and today are hard. They require resilience, objectivity towards my own human emotion, and long-term thinking. On the same note, however, these are the days where I actually have a chance to grow as a man. When everything’s plain sailing it’s all easy. That’s great in the sense that I’m getting days under my belt (pardon the pun) from a biological reset standpoint, which will help my PIED. Easy days do not provide the challenges which I need to conquer in order to mature and develop in the long run though. I need to learn to deal with these days to actually overcome this addiction.
7 weeks today. I had a pretty big weekend and it’s made Monday - Wednesday pretty tough this week. I’m feeling a bit disconnected romantically from girls my age. I’m starting to see girls on the street a bit more as objects, or for what they’re wearing etc. I’m actively stopping myself from looking at them once I’ve noticed them. I’m busy this weekend then fairly busy next week, and busy next weekend too. I should also be seeing the girl again for the first time in a while on Thursday next week. I’m hoping that seeing her will help me to feel more connected again.
Congratulations @UK Don , are you not MO'ing at all during your reboot? If not, are you feeling any physical tension?
Thanks niskanen. I am not MO'ing at all. Yes each day I have morning wood and want to release. Unfortunately I know that from previous reboots I cannot MO as it will lead me to PMO.
Hello my friend. First of all, I would like to congratulate you for this successful series. I hope this series turns into a lifestyle that is no longer expressed in numbers. I hope you build a life without pmo. Don't worry about girls. I agree with you. I've been experiencing similar things lately. It's really hard to understand some women. I guess some just enjoy being noticed. This is what I want to ask you. Did you notice any regression in your recovery after you had your wet dream on day 39? flashback, relapse, did you feel depressed? Or did the wet dream not affect you in any way?
Thank you Resurrection. I hope for the same - earlier in this reboot it felt like that, but I'm just going through a more difficult period at the moment. That's fine though as recovery is about learning to go through these difficult periods and not falter, as life will be full of difficult periods no matter how hard you try to avoid them. With regards to the wet dream, I don't think I could attribute my urges directly to that - in my journal I state that I started to get a few urges in the days leading up to the wet dream. I don't think I have regressed in my recovery, I just think that I feel a little disconnected at the moment. For me recovery is always easiest when I feel connected to people in my life, especially those of the opposite sex. I signed up to a couple of dating apps on Monday and am not getting many matches at all, which I think is causing me to feel social rejection, and therefore disconnection from women. I just need to continue learning to deal with this and find other outlets for it - at the moment I am using running / gym, similar to previous reboots. For my journal more generally: Yesterday was arguably the hardest day of my reboot so far. I woke up feeling out of sorts and struggled to focus all day. I had little motivation to push through this and had numerous bouts of strong urges where I felt a couple of minutes away from the verge of relapse. To combat this, I just sat and waited, but the urges wouldn't budge. Subsequently, I tried to give my brain a dopamine fix through eating a bag of sweets and biscuits. This somewhat helped with the urges but I still felt sluggish and unmotivated. I think it was just a hard day in general and I'm glad it's passed. Today has been much better and I'm feeling decent about myself. I'm going to have a productive weekend of study, fitness, and cooking, as the UK storms have foiled my plans through train cancellations.
Feeling pretty shit today - last night I met up with the girl from work and we had drinks and ended up back at hers. I went down on her again but was pretty drunk. I could only muster a semi and tried to penetrate but couldn't. She didn't take it so well this time, I think she took it personally. I tried to tell her that she's not the issue but did not tell her about being a porn addict. I stayed over and when we woke up she was a little cold with me, she wouldn't hug me and it felt like a sharp goodbye. I left and felt terrible on my cycle home, as though I was useless. I actually remember feeling that way as I was going down on her after I tried and failed to penetrate. It was pretty emasculating and super frustrating not being able to enjoy the sex with her, I kind of just felt like I was there to please her rather than to connect with her physically. I've texted her since and she's assured me it's fine but I don't feel that way. I'm not really sure what to do as I want to keep rewiring around women but I would hate to go through that again with her. Therefore for the foreseeable I'm going to focus on my career, studies, and fitness and try to avoid thinking about dating/women/sex. I'm going to stop swiping for new people on the dating apps too. I know this will be hard as it will make me feel isolated and disconnected, but I'm going to have to learn to live that way in the short-term while I reboot further for the sake of my long-term recovery.
Tough to hear. I can truly relate to that feeling and having to explain to the girl that she is not the issue. I had a period a few years back when I ended up with girls but I could never perform and each time I was feeling much worse, just a vicious cycle. Think it is a good idea to focus on yourself and forget about girls for a while, that's what I did and it made me feel better. After a while I started using ED pills to get back in the game and I could finally perform. Have you considered using ED pills to get you started or are you strictly against that idea?
Bro, you took a girl home and has un penetrative sex. thats a HUGE win!!! Gotta see the forest for the tree's. Be proud! And, focus on your recovery. But, do not feel useless. You want an example of useless? I've had girls literally follow me around and walk in front of my multiple times and even brush my shoulders hoping I talk to them but im so shy I can't even do that. Thats useless. What you're doing is not useless at all. Feel proud with what you've done already!!!
