I'm back. Not been a great Winter on the PMO front, but that's all about to change . Next few days will be super tough, but I'm up for the fight. May write a more detailed post in the near future on how I aim to go about this reboot, what I learned from the last one, etc etc.
1 week no PMO. Been doing some self-reflection lately. I think part of my issue is that I'm afraid to be my raw true self. In social situations, I subconsciously (and sometimes even consciously) try to act in a way that will keep everyone happy at the expense of remaining honest and true to myself. I think I learned this behaviour when growing up in order to keep divorced parents happy - particularly my dad who is generally pretty closed-minded in his views. It meant that my true-self was protected from criticism and rejection. Often I act in alignment with the image of who I should be (influenced by others) automatically, as opposed to who I really am / want to be. I'm not sure how to change this but I need to focus on it, as I don't want to live my life attempting to become someone who I am not, and deep down don't even want to be. I came to this realisation when looking at the factors of my life which cause me the most stress. I realised they are all things which are under my control. There are three main ones: 1. An application to work part-time with another organisation - I think I'm doing this to make my dad happy but deep down I'm not really sure if I want to do it. The situation itself is not that stressful but it's tiring knowing that I am letting someone else influence the direction of my life. 2. A drunken promise which I made as a result of telling someone what they wanted to hear, completely foregoing any actual judgement/evaluation on my part. I have emasculated myself as carrying out the promise would be stupid, and also illegal, but more importantly it would not even be the right thing to do. 3. The girls situation. When speaking to girls, a lot of the time I am thinking of what would sound funny, or I'm trying to act cool, or mimic a celebrity who does well with ladies. I need to learn how to just be myself and accept it. Logic says that this could stem from me believing that the real me is not good enough or not worthy of being loved, therefore I pretend to be someone else. I think this is what I need to work on but I'm not sure the best way. I remember at the end of my last long streak I realised that I felt a little directionless. In order to become myself in more situations, I first need to understand what I truly want. I guess I need to take some time to reflect on this and note some stuff down. I don't mean surface level shit - I have what people would consider a good job for my age, I'm the fittest and strongest I've ever been, I've saved a fair bit of money etc. I mean truly and honestly figure out what I want in life. Then I hope I can put my head down and just work towards it, with the satisfaction of knowing that I am in complete control of my life and I'm going exactly where I want to go, because I want to. At the moment I'm just following someone else's blueprint I think. There are a couple of things that spring to mind regarding what I want. I'm sure there are plenty more too, but they are: 1. Being unapologetically myself. Learning to not give a fuck when meeting new people, and essentially not even considering whether the points of view I give will make them like me or not. I think the importance here comes from the fact that if I stick by core beliefs and values in life that I truly believe in, and act according to them, then whether other's like me or not is actually more of a reflection on them. It simply does not matter as I am happy with myself. Clearly, I currently seek the validation of others. 2. Learning to defend myself. I avoid and dislike conflict, so I think having the knowledge that physically I can protect myself and others around me in the worst case scenario would help me with this.
Just updated my physical journal for the first time since Nov 30th. Felt good to unload everything, both in terms of recording events and working through my emotions, mental state, and thoughts about the past and the future. If I were to describe the past couple of weeks, I would say they have been fine. I’ve progressed with no PMO, run a new 5k PB, continued gym, and showed decent discipline at work and studying. Despite this, I’ve been getting a bit down, probably due to the lockdown here. Finding it incredibly frustrating not being able to socialise with any peers in person, in particular, a gathering/party atmosphere. Also getting incredibly frustrated living at home with family and step family - I’m very different to them. That said, I acknowledge that I chose to stay at home to save money. I had the option to move out in September with friends but chose to improve my financial situation. Oh well - going to keep chugging away with what I’m doing. I still have a job and am saving money as mentioned.
Hope is integral to my recovery. Imagining a real connection with a woman I love can transport me from a weak headspace in which I could consider PMO, to one where I cannot imagine anything worse - I feel a ‘sick to the stomach’ sensation I described last summer when thinking consciously of PMOing. Of course there are a lot of factors at play which affect someone’s general headspace and experience recovering; I’m not saying that is the one true key or anything of that sort. Just that I’ve recognised it’s important for me to remain hopeful in the long run.
Negative emotions are signals within our bodies to do something. They are important signals; if we ignore them, or train ourselves to ignore them, then we are limiting ourselves.
Large (increasing) desire for female interaction + Balls aching recently + Relapse dreams = Wet dream soon
Very hungover today. Times like this that I wish I was back on a large friends holiday like the one last summer. I'm getting urges. I find it helpful to remind myself that these are not actually urges for PMO, but simply dopamine. Of all the ways to satisfy this craving, my preferred method would be socialising with girls - it's exciting. As the craving arose, my brain's initial reaction was to classify it as a PMO craving. When taking a step back and thinking it all through though, I clearly see that it is only a short-term high followed by a devastating low. When considering socialisation in real life, however, the excitement is still there throughout, yet it isn't followed by self-hatred. Hope you all enjoy my hungover ramblings. Nothing particularly insightful but a true reflection of my thought patterns earlier today.
Been hungover again today. Made it through most of the day but in the late afternoon I started to get serious urges after a trigger popped up when I was browsing YouTube. On the one hand, the rush from seeing the triggering content was very intense which I compute as a good thing; I've clearly made good progress in my reboot if a peek can generate such an intense rush now. On the other hand, I did peek at P for about 5 mins straight after, in the form of scrolling through the main page of a tube site, though I did not click on any vids. Ever since I've felt on the borderline of relapse (I peeked about 5 hours ago), and I still do now. It's such a weird sensation. I am not even fantasising about anything but I am still getting the mini rush in the back of my mind, urging me to PMO. It's as if something's missing, often referred to in the context of recovering addicts as 'the void'. But what can I fill it with? I've had a few drinks with a nice meal, and a good weekend of exercise and seeing friends - surely I should be in good spirits without the desire to fill a void. The reality is the little peek earlier has probably not set me back very far, as even though I got hard I didn't touch my touch my dick at all. Also on one of the next few nights I'm likely to have a wet dream. If I can hold out until then my urges should die down and I should be in the clear again for a while. I do not feel strong in this moment though. I feel lockdown has a weird overall effect on reboot attempts. It allows for a slower pace of life in which we can become more mindful quite easily, yet it strips us of any healthy rewiring through socialisation, as well as socialisation in general. I really struggle without this outlet, as I have really craved interaction with girls the last few days. Perhaps I should ignore the lockdown rules and head on a dating app to see if a girl would be willing to meet up anyway. I'm sure there will be some girls who would.
Sad to report a PMO binge this morning. Was in quite a bad headspace tbh - clearly shows that this whole addiction issue revolves around inability to deal with our negative/challenging emotions. Whilst I've made great progress at dealing with them through positive outlets (e.g. exercise, music), there was one key thing missing in the last reboot. From after about 2/3 weeks in, I was not working very hard or studying. This was undoubtedly making me feel worse, so when tough times came (wanting to act on impulse to interact with females which I could not do because of lockdown) I was pushed over the edge. I think had I been more on top and satisfied with how I was dealing with other aspects of my life, I could have been more rational with dealing with how bad I felt. Onwards and upwards though... My next streak starts today.
Ugh, recently relapsed as well so I know that feeling. You are achieving long streaks though so I'm sure you'll be fine!
Keep calm and carry on Great insights here Don. I think in certain social situations I (used to?) behave in a similar manner. For example, if I was introduced to a bunch of new people on a night out, throughout the evening I'd try to interact with all of them to establish a rapport in the hope that they like me. Maybe this approval-seeking behaviour stems from insecurity. Now I'm more aware of it, I try not to worry so much about trying to keep everyone happy. You suggested it could also stem from feelings of unworthiness (so you try to be someone else). Perhaps at some point you could consider a few counseling sessions to talk it through with a professional. As for how to change, I guess it starts with awareness and then trying to make consistent, incremental changes. In therapy you might be asked to challenge certain beliefs you hold about yourself and replace those patterns of distorted thinking with more logical statements (cognitive 'counter attacks'). You also mentioned you felt directionless and unsure of what you really want. There are a ton of books in the personal development field that might help you with this. Maybe consider something by Tony Robbins or 'Success Principles' by Jack Canfield. I'm curious to know what that drunken promise you made to someone was!
Since my last real update was in March I've got quite a bit to get this journal up to speed on. In some ways a lot has changed, though the bulk of this change has been in the past 6 weeks. I'll give a brief timeline of events below: Between March - August I continued to wfh living at my family home. I continued to PMO sometimes in binges, sometimes with brief streaks. It is abundantly clear to me now that whilst I was living at home I would never be able to break free from my addiction completely - both the environment I was living in and my social surroundings were always going to lead me back down the path of PMO. Everyone knows everyone in my hometown, and I hate it. Summer was fun but it was tainted by the gloomy shadow of PMO guilt. Girl wise there was very little going on, and I think these feelings of isolation from interaction with girls is one of my key triggers, similar to rejection. It felt as though I was waiting to start my real life. I did exactly this at the start of September, when I moved to London. I loved living here in the past as an intern, and I am loving it once again. I love the anonymity I feel here, and the amount of people that are around my age. It feels as though the possibilities here are endless, and that I am in total control of each part of my life again. That's not to say that it's all been plain sailing though - after I moved down I got a streak going, but I was burning the candle at both ends and resultantly relapsed. I feel I've attained a more sustainable lifestyle now and am happy most of the time. I also feel very confident going forward regarding ditching PMO. This is mainly because I've made a bit of a connection with a colleague at work. I've stayed at her place twice now after nights out - I'd never actually done this before with a girl. Both times we kissed and cuddled, with the odd bit of fondling, but have not really gone further. This is mainly down to me as I'm not getting very hard, I guess this is the P induced ED that I feared. The reality is that while it's frustrating, it's not been anywhere near as embarrassing as I feared, but it has given me a serious drive to ditch PMO. I am confident that in another week or 2 my libido will have returned a bit more and I will be able to complete the deed, so I hope that I can continue this fling until then.
Good to see again, pal. Iis really difficult to recover at hime, at small town. I am similar situation and totally agree that new environment with the great deal of personal freedom can beneficial. Do not worry about ED at a time. I suggest you to read a couple pages from Success stories, you will be amazed how a simple cuddling in an intimate relationship can boost recovery. Good luck
