Title sums it up, but fuck it, I may as well go all out and reveal everything here, as any detail I hide will only weigh me down on my journey. *I will mention some potential trigger words, but will substitute them for less commonly used words*. From about the age of 11 I have been PMO-ing. I started watching soft female only P, and just like many others, have progressed onto some truely questionable content. The problem lies, however, in the fact that I have never been attracted to vanilla sex throughout growing up. To clarify, I am 100% attracted to females, but not to their “front bottom”. A troubling prospect, you might agree, for a young boy during a crucial stage of development. To add further dilemma to this regrettable mix, I have always had a tight foreskin when I am erect, meaning that if I were to have sex, it would likely tear. On top of all this, I would also like to mention that I have always taken a very long time to ejaculate, which is something that I was worried about: what if I couldn’t ejaculate with a girl when we had sex? The situation as a whole, left me with no motivation to try and have sex with a girl, as first of all, the idea didn’t turn me on, so it’s likely that once I had penetrated I would go soft, and second of all, it would have hurt. Thirdly, if by some miracle I surpassed these problems, it’s unlikely I would have been able to ejaculate. Therefore, PMO served as a solution where I could run away from my problems - there was no one to laugh at me if it all went wrong, I could PMO to my fantasies which I considered much hotter than actual sex as I am not attracted to female’s “front bottoms”, and I didn’t have to worry about my tight foreskin. As I progressed through school, I inevitably grew to meet more girls, and really enjoyed spending time with some of them; alas, I am not the most confident of lads, and despite having plenty of chances to take things further with girls I had heard liked me, I wasn’t man enough to take the necessary steps to sort myself out. This was because there seemed to be no short term reward once again, as I didn’t find these (objectively gorgeous) girls very attractive, as they lacked a dominant personality which the P that I am addicted to has taught me to sought after. At this point I was 17 and I was finally realising that I am suffering from an addiction, as if I was ever feeling down, or if I was bored, or if I was procrastinating (which I do all the time perhaps due to this problem), then my solution would be to PMO. Unsurprisingly, this had a negative impact on my exam results, meaning I didn’t get to any of my desired higher education institutes - it embarrasses me to think of the wasted potential, especially when considering how lucky I am to be born in the western world in a country as affluent as the UK. This is not to say I completely failed though, as I still got into a decent institution. Since school I have had extremely minimal interaction with girls as a result of my own endeavours, as I have only deepened the hole I sit in through indulging extensively in female domination PMO. Throughout 2018 I have noticed I have begun to experience anxiety, which I am certain is a result of this addiction, and shame I feel after every PMO. This anxiety has since stretched to all sorts of avenues of my life, as I will often feel anxious when eating a meal with my family at a restaurant. It is at this point where I lack clarity, self-discipline, and drive, that I realise that I need to takes further action to stop this addiction, hence this post. I am currently a 20 year old student, and I now understand what it means to be a man, and how foolish running away from all this problems has been. If this had been nipped at the bud at a young age, I may be living a completely different life today, but who knows. A man is someone that does what needs to be done. This is the opposite of what I have done. This year I have three aims, aside from my studying and career ambitions. 1. Approach a doctor about my foreskin, and get a circumcision / whatever operation is necessary. 2. Stop PMO until I have sex with a girl, and stop P all together. I may then MO as long as this is after the 9th of June. 3. Sort physical injuries out, and get back to athletic shape. As I write this, I have severely procrastinated over the past week instead of studying, so I will not be posting over the next couple of weeks due to exams. Today will be day 0, so the first day of this journey will be tomorrow. If anyone has any advice, or simply wants to comment, feel free. I won’t be checking this every day, but when I do check I will respond to any comments. Bless up
I've relapsed plenty of times since writing my initial post, the main trigger being lots of stress due to exams, particularly as a result of procrastination during the time I should have been revising. I have now, however, finished my exams and am still determined to continue with this journey.
Hi UK Don, i'm a 20 yr old man just like you. I'm from italy and i've been having the same problems with femdom addiction. I'm currently studying and having exams just like you but this stupid addiction is giving me a lot of problems of anxiety and self acceptance. Reading your post motivated me to start this cleansing journey. You're doing great man, i have your backup, let's help each other. Remember that if you fail i'll be very disappointed, you're not like that, you're way better.
The reply is much appreciated, Blithe. I must confess that February has not been a successful month for me, and I relapsed plenty of times, however towards the end of the month I undoubtedly gained more control over PMO, and frequently would go 2 or 3 day between each PMO. I am delighted to here that my post motivated you; this in itself has further motivated me, and I think helping each other is a great idea. Let me know how you're getting on.
I am not the type of person that enjoys writing, hence the lack of updates. That said, quitting PMO and developing as a person consumes my thought for significant parts of each day, although it is never my priority. Overall my 'progress' has consisted of the odd 2/3 day streak separated by 3/4 day binges (2 or 3 a day). Since September, my life has seemed to revolve around landing a summer internship - I can thankfully say I have achieved this. Following this my other focus has been my studies. Whilst not perfect, I am also satisfied with my progress in this part of my life. This leaves me with a summer ahead in which I will be working a new job, in a new city, working with plenty of new people - I am anxious, excited, and ready. I believe that this combination of new settings will keep me very busy, with little time to dwell; I therefore also believe this really is an exceptional opportunity for me to get a good streak going, and make some important changes in multiple aspects of my life. I am aware the first week or so will be pivotal as starting in a good routine will make the rest of the internship period much easier (but not easy) - I aim to enter a state in which going for a run, getting up early for work, doing laundry and ironing shirts etc, become 'automatic' as opposed to a mental battle prior to each one. Whenever I enter a good period of mental health in my life, I notice a shift in my perception and thought processes. I no longer debate whether or not I should go for a run, but will instead say I am going to do it, and before I can question it, I am out the door. If I succeed at getting into this state, I will be less tired every day as a result of less mental energy being spent. Thinking ahead, I am certain that there will be times in which I am exhausted, which will, of course, be my most vulnerable moments. To combat this, I will keep in mind the real purpose of the whole mission, both short and long-term. I can't imagine how good I would feel at university on top of a long streak, with confidence, purpose, and the ability to talk to attractive girls without feeling out of place, and that she's better than me. I really do yearn for this. Whenever talking to my female friends I can't really imagine being humiliated by them, and it actually makes me feel silly, as it's very rare that you meet naturally dominant females. It's in this moment that I feel especially embarrassed that I'm ever attracted to these femdom fetishes, despite having PMO'd to them since about 13 years old. This gives me hope that I am naturally not purely submissive and that this whole process will leave me wanting vanilla sex too. I plan to enjoy the following couple of weeks, after which I will post a more brief update.
The last few days have been great. I've managed to embrace the new challenges presented to me as an intern, and have met plenty of people. I have noticed that signs of my libido returning are creeping up. This is the point at which I have always failed in the past - as a young man with plenty of natural urges anyway, I often struggle to channel my energy in other directions, when it feels so instinctual to resort to PMO for a release. Despite this, I'm still going strong, and am convinced that this time will be different. I believe the key for me will be to keep busy on the weekends where my time is not regimented, leaving space for ill-discipline to intrude. I plan to meet people both days to remain occupied, which gives the days purpose, therefore increasing the incentive to continue the streak.
Unfortunately, last weekend I had little to do and it led me to relapse. Despite this, I nipped it in the bud and accepted that I can not change what has happened - I have since had a good week and am keeping a positive mindset. I have found that when spending time on this forum, it can often lead me closer to pmo, through thinking about it. Instead. I have recently found it much easier to keep very busy. The best analogy I can think of is that battle against pmo when I get cravings is like a game of tug-of-war. By analysing my thought process in posts on this forum, It is as if I am gaining members on my team to battle against the addiction - however, the very nature of thinking about it can sometimes lead me to think about fetishes etc. through association. BUT, when I keep busy and work on general self-improvement, it is instead as though I am just putting the rope down and walking away. How can the addiction win when I am not even willing to play its games? These are my current thoughts on the topic - I'll update again in a couple of weeks.
Over the last few days, I've found my attention stolen by women, even if they are just walking by, and when I'm alone, I've found my thoughts often consumed by urges to PMO. More than anything else, this reiterates to me the importance of taking a dynamic approach to combat porn addiction; a one-size-fits-all approach to overcoming the obstacles in the way is futile. I say this, as a mere two posts ago I stated that I thought abstaining from this forum for longer periods would be beneficial, however, I now find myself returning here for a source of motivation and strength in harder times. Additionally, I am experiencing lots of frustration as, despite my increased confidence, I feel handicapped due to my tight foreskin. This has perhaps been one of the main perks so far of the last month or so - I can clearly see that this problem cannot be fully solved until I face-up to my medical issue. I now know what I have to do once this internship finishes so that I can properly enjoy university in the coming Autumn.
Relapsed 4 times over the last week or so. Despite this, I'm definitely still feeling like a different person in comparison to the start of the summer - a lot more confident and outgoing, experiencing far less anxiety. Time to pick myself up and go again!
Things haven't gone greatly lately. I feel as though I'm wasting at my time now, I haven't even tried to resist urges lately. I'm going to get back on the horse again.
I'm finding it very hard to stay on track at University, as the student lifestyle requires much greater discipline than a graduate employee/intern. Studying is not something I particularly enjoy, which means that I am rarely productive in my work, even when going to the library. Needless to say, I have been PMOing regularly as a form of escapism. This has had a considerable impact on my day-to-day life in a range of ways: 1. I feel a fraction as confident as I did during summer. 2. I have no desire to chase girls at all, whereas in summer I couldn't stop thinking about them. 3. Getting up in the morning is more difficult. I will often sleep in as I have little drive, which makes simple tasks feel more taxing. During summer I couldn't fit everything I wanted to do into my day. 4. I am smoking hash with the rest of my flat almost daily, which in turn not only affects drive, but also means I am eating shit. Most importantly, I still haven't sorted my foreskin. Even typing this I can feel my face getting hotter with frustration that I haven't completed such a simple task, which I KNOW will have a drastic effect on my life. The doctors is currently closed, but I will book an appointment on the phone tomorrow morning to get the ball rolling. At this point in time I think this is a crucial step, as I feel almost powerless over my life at the moment. I need a change.
I've just been to the doctors. Finally. Whilst this is progress, I will now wait for approximately 6 weeks to be referred to a specialist. If all goes well then, I should have my circumcision by March - not ideal, but better than not at all. I'm disappointed with the news (I will almost certainly still be a virgin at age 22), but still feel better now that the wheels of my metaphorical recovery vehicle are turning. Now back to my self-development through refraining from PMO. This first semester has been extremely tough for me, which has been reflected in my PMO binging. Barely a day has passed without PMO and I really am feeling the consequences as mentioned in my previous update. Simultaneously I have fallen out of love with the student lifestyle. I really like my housemates, and get on with plenty of people, but I feel as though I have done my time here. It's as if my interests don't align with those around me, yet I do not spend all my time studying or working due to a lack of motivation and discipline, and excessive procrastination. What I have always found strange is that I have always liked the idea of studying, as it should be a chance for an individual to become a specialist in an area, and delve deep into the discoveries of those before them in the area of interest, but I rarely get round to it. Even when I actively want to, I don't. Instead, I'm likely to play sport, watch youtube, apply to jobs, or try to understand what my procrastination is a manifestation of (paradox). Now I know human's have a useless tendency to attribute multiple outcomes to one factor, and therefore do not mean to try to find a root problem, but all the root problems. This has included trying to understand why I may find a girl attractive one minute, but as soon as they return that interest, I turn my nose up at them. As everyone in my generation does for everything, I turned to the internet, which pointed me in the direction of self-hatred. Self-hatred! I would never have even considered it, but the logic makes complete sense considering my femdom porn addiction. It follows that - I am attracted to girls that do not show me interest, or even actively show disinterest. - If I spend time with some of these girls, they may start to like me. - As soon as I hear about this, I lose interest and don't want to spend time with them. - This could be because by showing me interest they are assigning value to me, as opposed to before they showed interest which suggests I am of no particular value. - If I hate myself / hold no value to myself, then I cannot comprehend or understand their interest in me, so they cannot be of high value or worth my interest as I first thought. - I then become repulsed by them as I see them as low value. Although horrible, this cycle is applicable to the majority of situations in my life in which a girl has ever returned interest in me. I am pleased that I have looked into it, but don't believe there is a direct way to address it. Instead, I should work to increase my perception of my own value through proving to myself that I can resist PMO. Hopefully, the benefits that come with this will make overcoming the other challenges in my life easier. Wow, I did not intend on going down that rabbit-hole. On the bright side, I've cut down greatly on my hashish consumption since my last post, which at least makes it easier to get up in the morning. As I write this, I have an important presentation which I will give tomorrow, which carries significant weight in my final grade. Classically, I have not begun writing this yet so have a busy night ahead of me. As much as I'd love to set a target, I feel as though it is a waste of time. For my remaining 3 weeks of university, I will instead do my best to take each week, day, and hour as it comes.
I’ve had an awful nights sleep. I got woken up at 3am and couldn’t drift off again. It’s now 7 and I’m on my phone watching YouTube, so instead I’m gonna go for a run to start the day. This evening will be hard as I get more tired, but I’ll push through.
Day 3 has been pretty tough so far. Plenty of brain fog, and I'm craving the dopamine reward from PMO.
Today is proving incredibly tough - not because of urges, but just serious brain fog. I have a presentation to prepare for tomorrow and I can't think straight. I tried to prepare at the library this morning, but couldn't concentrate with others around me.
Yesterday I meditated for 10 minutes and it really helped to clear my head. I prepared the presentation and it went well this morning. I feel much better today. I have a clearer head and feel optimistic, despite my hangover. My uni semester is essentially finished after my seminar this afternoon, so I will need to plan what I'll do with my time in order to keep busy, and refrain from PMO. I plan to go to the gym while at home and go for runs, alongside studying.
