Farewell Happy Place

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Living, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Moving on is the important part, something I'm extremely bad at. I know that your mind will want to plan for this home alone week. But the good thing is that you know it well in advance and can prepare.
     
    Living likes this.
  2. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Active Member

    Been there my friend... I have a structured plan for this "opportunity" week is critical. Last time I was in a similar situation (although only for the weekend not a full week) I called in (I think it was actually Zoom) to a PAA (https://pornaddictsanonymous.org/) meeting. It was helpful to speak aloud what I was struggling with. Unfortunately
    I gave in the next day and went back to PMO...
    I had several discusions with someone who used to post on this site about similar feelings to the above. He coined the phrase "Doom" feelings. They manifest as a "missed out" feeling when seeing attractive women in real life. Two things have somewhat helped me. 1. Have a "good" (whatever that means to you) intimate/sexual connection with your partner. I've found that if it has been "a long time" since I have been with my wife then the Doomed feelings are greatly intensified. 2. Ask yourself what you really think you are "missing out on". For me, I determined that what I would most want when seeing these women does not actually exist in the real world. I am not looking to be single and have the option to date. No. The only way for the doomed feeling to be satisfied is for these women to enthusiastically want to be sexual with me due to no effort on my part. The women would just want sex with me in the way I am looking for it at the time. There would also be no repercussions (drama, STI's, ect.) and I would still be happily married to my wife. Basically I would be able to recreate the porn viewing experience in real life. Recognizing how out of touch with reality these thoughts are helped to lessen the feelings a bit.
     
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  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I guess sometimes you need to wrestle with yourself a bit:) I had a few more slips and didn't feel like coming here. It wasn't that I was ashamed, it was just that I simply needed to deal with issues instead of writing about them. For five days or so I have been doing a lot better. Friday was pretty tricky, because I had my day off and my GF was away until late that night. But I didn't want to mess up my summer (including my holidays) so I had to get passed that. Besides, I have the conviction that if I try I can get through any day. So that was my motivation for friday and I pretty much aced it:) The stress and everything did make me think about my life and I think it's really time to re-evaluate where I want things to go and how I'm going to get there. I can more or less manage my current situation, but I don't want to dive everytime something bad is added to it. So that's something to work on.

    @Eternity and @TrueSelf: thanx for the comments. I really appreciate that. I'm going to try and respond to it, but it might take a while. One of the things I think I want to change is my computer use. It's not huge, but more than I want. At my job I spend more than enough time behind a screen and doing the same in my off-time doesn't make me a happier person. So be patient;)
     
    Gil79 and Saville like this.
  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Hi Living,
    Just want to let you know that I am going to be in a similar situation this August. My wife and kids will be away for a week and I am already fearing what I will do. It feels really bad by itself to not have the confidence in myself to be able to just deal with it. I guess that this is also a really deep pattern that originated a long time ago (speaking in 'Wehkamp gids' terms) and therefore maybe also you can see as an opportunity to heal.
     
    Living and Saville like this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    So last week was the week I talked about in my last post and I fucked up completely. I've actually been living up to it for weeks. I been dragging fuel for the porn pyre in my garden and set it on fire. It was a porn frenzy. I can come with all these excuses why I did so, but in the end what counts is that I did and that I'm not happy with it. I think the past couple of years I have seriously been struggling with the world. With everythings that's going on right now, it's sometimes hard to keep hope. On the one hand I realize I'm sensitive to these things, but on the other hand I think we are completely fucking up. I'm not prone to depression, but sometimes I wonder how I could not become depressed because of this. Not saying that watching porn a good way to deal with that. It was still me who decided to watch porn while I know that's not good. I don't want this post to be something to justify what I did either, because I really did fuck up. And that was all me.

    Anyway, a good thing is that the last couple of weeks my girlfriend and I had a few really difficult, yet good conversations. We were kinda getting lost and we made important steps to get back on track. So that is hopeful:)
     
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Today is the start of your new life. Look at beautiful things in nature, read beautiful poems, and listen to beautiful music. PMO is the opposite of beauty and shrinks away at the awesomeness of a real life.
     
  7. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    We need to burn this truth into our minds. It is NOT beautiful, it's NOT what sex was intended to be, it's a cycle of more and more awful imagery. Words to live by.
     
    Saville likes this.
  8. forlorn

    forlorn Well-Known Member

    Next time your GF is going to a conference or staying at her parents could you make plans for yourself to avoid being home alone with these windows of opportunity? Could you maybe plan some away time of your own, whether it be seeing a friend, your parents or going to another city alone? I know it's not a long term solution but maybe the change of environment would be good for you. I'm doing similar next month, my wife will be away for a few days, so rather than stay home alone I have booked a solo trip to another city, a few days to explore and unwind.
     
    Mad Dog, badger and Saville like this.

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