Farewell Happy Place

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Living, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Newts are endangered here too. I don't know if you are too far from the nearest natural body of water though. If I remember correctly both newts and toads spend a large part of their life on land and use puddles as well as ponds. So don't give up yet;) I totally agree on the allure of water though. Whenever in meditation or whatever I have to imagine a safe place it's always a pond in a forest. Somehow that's what 'home' is to me.
  2. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Got about 600m to the nearest moving water, and a little over 1km to the nearest pond. That shouldn't be too far away I suppose. In Sweden we got many of these small forest ponds/tarns which may be close to your imagination. The water is tranquil and dark, and often surrounded by trees. They're very nice vistas, especially as the sun is setting.
    Living likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I'm having a bit of a problematic day today. I think a combination of issues has made me come a lot closer to PMO then I have been in a the last two months. There has been quite a bit of stress at work the last couple of days, I had a bad argument with my girlfriend and slept a bit too short for three days in a row. Today my GF is off to work for a quite a long day which meant an 'excellent opportunity'. On top of that today has been the start of my week off, which is a very positive thing ofcourse, but it also means that part of me thinks I deserve a break on not endulging into porn too (Love you brains!o_O). More so, because that's what I did during previous holidays. And then there is just general horniness. This lovely cocktail resulted in bombarding myself porn fantasies. I went a bit too further then I would like at this stage by feeding those fantasies and masturbating a bit in bed. I don't really have a problem with masturbating, but this was way too porn enduced. I first want to get a bit further with dealing with my life before I will consider masturbation as an option.

    Anyhow, I did pull through (as in not giving in) and I think I'm back in the safe zone. I had a nap to tackle the sleeping issues and I watched on my workphone to see if one of the work issues was solved. I don't like to check my workphone while I'm not working, but in this case it relieve the stress. Not too worried about the rest of my vacation. It is an incident caused by a bad combination of factors and there really is no reason to think it will affect the uncoming days. Besides, my girlfriend is off too, so there will be less opportunity. While it was a troublesome day I'm actually happy that I was able to pull myself through. I think confidence has always been very important factor in dealing with my issues. Realizing that it's just one day and that I have managed to get through difficult days before helps me a lot.

    Three good things:
    -Went on a walk to the wetlands today. The weather was really nice, though a bit chilly still in the morning. I saw a bigger tern, wasn't sure which one because I don't know a lot about terns, but it was still pretty cool. I also saw a couple of whinchats. I've seen them here before, but they are endangered here, so it's always good to see them:) During my walk I short sit in the grass with butterflies and birds all around me. That was rather nice!
    -Last weeks walk was a bit more spectacular I guess. I went to the area where my father grew up. It's a really nice rural area with lots of forests, stream valleys and a large heath. I was especially surprised by the massive amounts of yellow hammers, but I also saw stone chats and common linnets. It's so awesome to notice how I have become better at discerning birds by song. Last year I still found that really hard, but these days during my walks I'm able to recognize quite a few birds before I see them. One of the best things of the walk was coming back to an old damned part of a canal I remember seeing once when I was really young. My father took me there and the vision of such clear water in these parts has always stuck with me. I knew were about it was, but when I saw it I was really thrilled. You could see through the water and all the water plants for pretty far. Out here that is really unheard of. I'm really going back there soon. It was a great walk.
    -A couple of weeks back I was eating with friends and we were talking holidays. And these friends they love going abroad a couple of times a year and me and my girlfriend just aren't like that. I mean, I like traveling, but I also being 'at home'. It's not that I don't value seeing other places, but I think there is still soooo much to discover out here. I'm a strong believer that you can expand your world by going somewhere different, but also by zooming in on the environment you know. Today during my walk I experienced once again how true that is. If you are open to the idea that there is so much more and you start to learn things your world just explodes. You will suddenly see things that you never saw before. It always amazes me how much more I experience in the same environment than I did 10 years ago or perhaps even a year ago. For example regularly seeing kinds of butterflies, like blues and orange tips, I never noticed when I was younger, but which I'm pretty sure should have been there too. Or seeing different species of bumblebees just because I've learned that a bumblebee is not a single species. That last one always flusters me when I talk with people about bumblebees. A lot of the time people ask: "You mean there is more then one species of bumblebee?" And I'm always surprised by that question, because it is so evident to me that there are different species. But the thing is that 10 years ago I might have asked the same question. It makes me wonder just how subjective are senses are. For some reason we just don't see a whole reality that is definitly out there until we learn to look. In a way that's totally baffling and rather humbling too.

    I guess that's enough for today:)

    Oh yeah, @Eternity, I think that's enough to attract animals from the water. And you are really lucky to be living in Sweden. Ofcourse there are disadvantages too, but the huge masses of nature there are impressive. I've been to Denmark and Iceland, but visiting Sweden is still pretty high on my wish list too.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Yeah! People tend to become blind about about what they have nearby. There's this need to go to tropical lands. I'm guilty myself, but what that did was to make me realize that I enjoy my local nature the most. I get that going to a sunny place is nice, but I fear that forgetting about around home is one problem with forests disappearing... Like, no-one sees what's going on here. We have some great nature, but soon it's too late. If you want to visit Sweden, I recommend going soon. The forest industry is speeding up, and the government doesn't care (democracy - choosing the lesser of evils.) Whenever I see trucks transporting trees, they're thinner than before. Makes sense, since the old forests are gone and now there are mostly young, planted trees. Living in fear that "my" forest will be gone soon sucks. Rant over.
    Living likes this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Today was kinda like friday, but then again completely different. My GF was away and I had a day off, I had everyday horniness and part of me definitly wanted to watch porn. But because I felt a whole lot better and was more confident about myself and doing this it was pretty much a walk in the park. Ofcourse I still have to make the right decissions, but I was never really worried that I would make the wrong ones. That sure felt good:)

    Three good things:
    1. I was doing the hike I did 1,5 week ago again and really enjoyed it. The most awesome part was when I came to dammed canal with the clear water: I could see great diving beetles from about 5 meters off. That was really incredible to see.
    2. I have a great vacation so far. Been doing several hikes and been reading a lot. The two last vacations were too busy and because of the stress and not wanting to deal with discomfort I spend way too much time on porn. So this time it's going great!
    3. While walking in the woods I remembered one of the best books I had read in the last ten years or so which is called Wildwood and is written by Colin Meloy (and wonderfully illustrated by Carson Ellis). It's a really wonderful book about a forest:) Or actually about a girl that gets lost in a kinda magical forest with talking animals and such. I can really recommend it.

    @Eternity: I don't want to get too political, but I think this is a really big problem. With people being so detached from their environment it really is no wonder that we don't take care of it. I mean, if you have no clue that certain animals exist then you will not do anything to take care of them. As with a lot of things I think awareness is the key here.
    Mozenjo and wintersturme like this.
  6. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your wonderful and positive post, @Living!
    Last edited: Apr 28, 2022
    Living likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Had a pretty easy week again. I do think about porn every now and then but I think that's more related to a healthy sexual drive than to problematic behaviour. One of the things I've noticed is that sometimes when I'm in a situation where I would like to get some gratification I find it actually hard to get into a sexual thought. I must have had that in the past too (I have gone without porn for longer periods), but this was the first time I really noticed it. It was both interesting and comforting.

    Three good things:
    -Finally! Yesterday I went on one of hikes to the wetlands and saw eared grebes. First I thought there was just one, but when I looked a bit better I noticed there were five or six of them. I really loved that. These are without a doubt some of the most spectacular birds you will find here.
    -My Jerusalem artichokes have come up. This is the first time I tried them in our garden. I never really ate them except in restaurants. This winter I tried making them myselves and I really loved how easy they are to prepare and how good they taste. Just a couple of plants are supposed give an impressive yield, so I'm already looking forward to harvesting them.
    -Went to a wedding of a good friend last friday and danced pretty much all evening/(early) night long. It has been a long time since I did that and I loved every second of it. Especially dancing with my girlfriend is great.

    @Saville, @Mozenjo and @wintersturme: thanx for your posts and likes. I really appreciate the reactions I get and it helps to know that I don't just put my thoughts out there into a void. I'm not as active on here as I was in the past because I try to keep the amount of time I spend on here limited, so I hardly return the favour. I wish I could, but spending too much time on here hasn't proven to be very effective for me in the past.
    Mozenjo and Saville like this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Hm, I haven't really considered that. Any P related thought has always been a red flag to me. Maybe it would get easier if I'm not so strict, and learn to deal with such thoughts rather than using them as another excuse to PMO.
    Living likes this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I guess for me porn has always been both a (more or less) healthy sexual outlet and an unhealthy escape. While I'm not sure moderate porn use is an option for me, I don't see it as problematic per se. On top of that, if you've been watching porn for years you can't expect that thoughts about porn will dissolve if you give up porn. Sure, the thoughts will grow less over time, but if you know porn is an option, the option will always be there. That is something I think you should be aware of and learn to deal with. It's like when you meditate you can't give up thinking, but you can stop giving a thought attention.
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Yesterdaynight my GF was to spend the night at her parents which a couple of months back meant: OPPORTUNITY! And it still does of course, in a way. But I have become more confident in dealing with opportunities and of course PMO isn't in my system so much right now. I wasn't really worried about it, but I still was a bit nervous. There is a part of me that still thinks it's a splendid idea to PMO and that can feel unsettling at times. I decided not to give the anticipation too much attention and just do what I always do instead and that really helped. She decided to stay another day, but today I'm not even nervous about it. Getting more confident in situation you find difficult is just so important to me. Days like these is wear the personal growth really takes place. I'm of course happy with the days that go so smooth I don't even need to worry, but these days where you really get tested are so much more important. At least they are to me:)

    Three good things:
    -It's my cats' birthday today:)
    -Yesterday I saw a black cap bathing in our minipond. I had seen a few black caps in the area over the years and last week I heard one singing opposite our house. This is so much better though. The black cap and a robin were taking turns bathing and splashing water. It was awesome to watch. And it also shows once again how just a bit of water can draw a lot of life to your garden.
    -I'm currently reading Bill Bryson's 'The Body: A guide to occupants' and it's a great read. Yesterday I was reading the chapter on sleep and realized how fascinating sleep really is:)
  11. Mozenjo

    Mozenjo Well-Known Member

    Well done, Living. Thanks for showing how it's done.
    Living likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I don't want to give too much value to streaks (the overall proces is what matters in my opinion), but it's of course nice to see that I made it over three months. I sometimes have dreams about slipping and not being able to get out of this, but on a day to day basis I'm actually pretty confident that I can learn to deal with my issues. Probably that will include some more slips and even periods where I'm really struggling, but when I look at how I'm able to deal with this right now, it's promising:)

    Three good things:
    -The veggies in our garden are going great. The Jeruzalem artichokes are growing pretty huge, both my courgette plants are doing well and we have eaten from our different lettuce varieties quite a bit. Can't wait for the chard to become a bit stronger and I'm going to plant fennel, spring onion and kale for the first time. Hope they will do fine too:)
    -My wormery has never been doing very good. It was active, but the yield wasn't what I expected. This was one of the reasons why I bought a bokashi too. That has a way better yield and is able to break down things a wormery doesn't. Last week I have been experimenting with adding my fermented bokashi to my wormery though. I think this will lead to a better compost and should be quicker. The only problem is the acidity of the bokashi, but you are supposed to be able to tackle that by adding lime. I've tried it for a week now with just a bit of bokashi and the worms do seem to love it. I do hope this will continue.
    -Yesterday I saw two hedgehogs in our garden. One I actually spotted while I was looking in my minipond at night. It was sitting right next to me drinking water. That was pretty awesome!
    Last edited: May 29, 2022
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  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I find it relatively easy to stay away from porn. I believe this ease has a lot to do with following a path that I value and doing things that enrich my life. Sometimes when I look at my journal and then look at someone else his journal and the way they struggle it just seems so different. Especially when I read journals from people that seem really stuck and don't feel able to make the right steps in their lives. Something I wanted to point out though is that doing things that I value is not something I find easy at all. I guess I have always had difficulties with coping with modern society. My life hasn't been going at all the way I thought it would go. I finished my thesis when I was 38, got my first permanent contract when I was 41, don't own a house and can only hope I will have kids someday. Furthermore I have always struggled with anxieties, have low self worth, stutter rather severe and just seem wired differently than most people (something I find both positive and negative, but which I do feel like it gives me a disadvantage in life). When I was discussing this with my GF this weekend I think I described it pretty well: living for me is like walking a tight rope. Even when things go well I constantly need to rebalance and I can never really relax. And that costs a whole lot of energy. Now, I'm fully aware that in many ways I'm way better off than the vast majority of the people on our planet, but that doesn't mean I don't struggle. I guess we all struggle in our own way.

    Perhaps this is something people don't see when they read my journal. I mainly talk about the positive steps I take in my life and the things that make me happy. But going for a hike in nature for example is a big effort to me. I love my hikes, but getting my stuff ready, getting to the area where I want to walk and working out how that fits in my day is something I really have to push myself to do. Hopping behind my computer and opening a porn site is a whole lot easier for example. But even though this is a challenge I see doing these things as really important. Probably even necessary. It's how I keep my balance on the tight rope and if I keep my balance I do alright overall and don't submerge myself in destructive stuff like watching porn.

    Three good things:
    -This sunday we were visiting friends and they asked us I we wanted to go to a nursery with them. Since my GF and I both love nurseries and I was thinking of going there in a couple of weeks anyway we had a great time. I bought a really nice small Thalictrum with very delicate, almost blue leaves. Love to see how that works out in our garden:)
    -I already thought there was more than one frog in our minipond, but last night I saw four of them! I didn't expect that at all.
    -I have a week long holiday next week. I have a couple of things planned. Having dinner with a friend, going bird watching with another friend and probably do a whole lot of relaxing. I do need that:)
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2022
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I get that. Is there really anyone who doesn't have problems? In this social media age it often seems that people have perfect, charmed lives. But I've always doubted that. Maybe it's because we're not supposed to talk about the bad things in public, and keep the mask on. Once you get to know someone, things look way different.
    Living and Saville like this.
  15. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Nor mine. I think this is a common refrain here. Early on we had our dreams, the goals that was instilled in us pre-birth, but along the way the vagaries of this world pushed us in other directions.

    This is amazing! In spite of the obstacles you've face, you still got a graduate degree. Honestly, well done. It's great that you have a permanent contract, as well. Hopefully that will turn into a tenured position, though I know universities increasingly rely on the army of contract workers.

    I totally get this. I still push myself daily to get shit done, even the stuff that I find enjoyable. But, we're doing it! :)

    Great post! I love how you revealed your vulnerability, which makes you seem all the stronger. Peace, bro'.
    Living likes this.
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx guys!

    This was actually my main point and I think this is something a lot of people don't realize. The fact that you need to push yourself over and over again should never become an excuse to give in to a life you'd rather not live. There are those for who living comes relatively easy, but there are also those who really need to struggle to make something out of it. The fact that other people seem to have it easy, doesn't mean things should go easy for you too. No matter how unfair that is. So if struggling is what it takes: go struggle:)
    Libertad and Saville like this.
  17. Libertad

    Libertad Well-Known Member

    This was one main reason to do PMO for me.
    For a long time, I took the wrong turn when it appeared to me that I was confronted with unfairness, injustice or resistence. I went to the practice of PMO. In my mind I was like, if life is not fair to me, then I will not play a part in it and went into retread mode to my safe space PMO were I could feel pleasure.
    Like you said, I looked at others and from the outside their lifes appeared easier then mine, and so I felt treaded unfair by life. This unhealthy habit and pattern was a big part of many of my relapses in the past.
    I will not go into detail, but this morning someone said something to me that made me angry and in the past I would have gone to PMO to calm down, but now I thought about what can I do so that this will not happen again in the future. And even if it would happen again, at least I knew that I would have done everything I could to make it unlikely.
    I still often catch myself, searching for an easy way out, but more and more I come to realize that there is none.
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2022
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  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    After three weeks of way too much stress I gave in during my holiday. I feel bad about it because I didn't need it at all and it had been building up over a few days. Instead of working against my urges I worked along my urges. The main thing is that it didn't help me and it doesn't make my life better. I don't want to drive myself into guilt. It was stupid and that's it. Right now it's time to stand up again and continue where I left.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.
  19. Rudolf Geyse

    Rudolf Geyse Well-Known Member

    I like the positivity in there @Living , yeah man, stress is a killer. Good to tackle some of those root issues. All the best for getting off the ground again
    Living likes this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx @Rudolf Geyse. It was a combination of factors. It always is a combination factors. And because of that it's hard to predict when things will go wrong and that makes it rather hard deal with. Ofcourse I should have known when I just let it linger for a couple of days, but well, it's a journey and sometimes you will stumble. What I believe made the difference is that my girlfriend told me last week that she is going to a conference for a week in August. The part of me that loves nothing more than watching porn all day immediately recognized an excellent opportunity and I guess I started self-sabotaging from that day on. On top of the stress, the week off and the general horniness/sexual frustration that became a toxic mix. The horniness/sexual frustration is something I would like to deal with, but not sure how. It's something that's always there and so it's a constant factor of instability. It's not like I'm completely frustrated, but I guess like I feel like I'm missing out most of the time. In summer this always feeling increases due to short skirts and crop tops. Living next to a park in a city with loads of students doesn't really help these days;) Perhaps me growing older doesn't help there either. Though I actually don't think I'm in a midlife crisis (I haven't bought a Porsche yet), I think this growing feeling of missing out might have something to do with that.

    Anyway, things are going better now. Resolutely deciding this is not what I want (and writing that down) does help a lot. I slept better last night and feel pretty confident I can handle things at the moment. Of course I am a bit worried about the week in August. I would probably have felt more confident about that if I hadn't slipped. There isn't much I can do about that though. All I can do is keep on going in the right direction.

    Three good things:
    -Despite the slip I had a great holiday week so far. Went on a trip with my GF on monday, helped my parents in their garden and had some great food with them on tuesday, went on bird watching hike with a friend yesterday and today I'm just reading a book in the garden:)
    -After finishing a pretty good Dutch book today I started once more in The Beach by Alex Garland (yes, from the movie). This is truly one of my favorite books of all time. It's well-written, easy to read and just a really thrilling story all the way through. Great for summer holidays!
    -My chard and courgette plants are really doing well. Will hopefully be a good supply for summer and autumn.
    Rudolf Geyse likes this.

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