Farewell Happy Place

Discussion in 'Ages 40+' started by Living, Jan 30, 2021.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanks for taking the time to respond:) I totally get your point, but to me a 'happy place' is not a happy place per se. When I use the term 'happy place' I don't see it as two seperate words, but as one expression that although it might contain the word happy, is nothing but an escape from reality. And while I don't think all 'happy places' are bad (I love getting lost in books and perhaps meditation in a way is also a happy place), this one I do consider rather unhealthy. I guess you might sense an a hint of regret in 'Farewall Happy Place', but there is absolutely none.

    Besides that, if I would call it 'Farewell Falsehood' I personally think I would downplay the problem. There is a reason why I kept coming back to porn and chances are will a few times more: as a whole visiting this particular 'happy place' is self-destructive, but I can not deny the fact that there is something there that temporarily makes me feel good. There is still a part of me that every now and then believes watching porn is the best choice I could make at that moment. And that part of me is the thing I need to learn to deal with. If I would call it 'Farewall Falsehood' to me that's pretty much the same doing an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand. Perhaps it's something that works for others, but I have this really annoying mind that simply doesn't work like that.
     
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  2. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Your mind isn't annoying at all. We all make our own journey and you know best how to confront obstacles you find in front of you. Peace, my brother.
     
    Living likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Still going strong. I haven't made such a strong decision that things have gone too far and that I need to get back on track in quite a while and it feels rather good. At times it also gives me a bit of stress, but I don't know, it just feels really good when you make a choice like that.
     
    Last edited: Mar 7, 2022
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  4. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Today I had my day off and my GF is off to the office. To me days like these are a pitfall. A couple of weeks ago this would have been an ideal day for hours and hours of PMO and feeling really bad about it afterwards. This morning I woke up, waved my GF goodbye, opened the curtains, took a cold shower, did the dishes, went to the dentist and then went for a four hour hike:) The weather was awesome, bit windy, but the sky was perfectly blue. I went to a wetland area I visit often and took my binoculars and camera. A lot of the birds still have to return from the south, but there is definitly a promise of spring. While I am really motivated to get back on track, the idea of spring is really helping me. I don't really have a winter depression, but it has been a long winter and together with COVID it did effect how I felt and therefore also the choices I made.

    In my old journal (from when I was still a young man) I used to write down three good things that happened to me with my posts and I think I should add that again. So here goes:
    -Daffodils. I love my garden all year through. Winter might seem a bit boring to some gardeners, but to me that's also the season of the winter birds. This year we had a lot of bramblings, which was awesome. Normally we have one or two for a couple of weeks during the winter, but this time the have been here for months now and at it's peak there were around 20. Marvelous bird, the chaffinch better looking brother. Anyway, daffodils:) Yes, I don't mind winter at all, but when the daffodils starts to bloom that's when life is really coming back in the back garden. Mine started blooming yesterday, I have already heard the first bumblebee and have seen butterflies. Everywhere in the garden perennials are surfacing. I hope this garden year will be as good as last one. Oh, and ofcourse daffodils are the subject of one of my favorite poems.
    -Lapwings. Another promise of spring. The wetland area I visited has lots of meadows where this time of year lapwings lay there eggs. It's great to see them dancing in the wind. The way they fly is just something else.
    -Opening the curtains. Like I wrote I started today with opening the curtains. Things like that are important to me when I'm struggling with porn. It might seem like a detail, but to me opening the curtains is a big and important step in telling myself that I'm not going to PMO today.
     
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  5. Boxer17

    Boxer17 Active Member

    Wow. You painted some good word pictures ☺️
    Daffodils.
    I love daffodils. ever since I was a boy they were one of the first harbingers of spring!

    Open curtains.
    I know you were saying they are symbolic to you, but it reminds me of airiness and fresh breezes. Especially if the weather is nice and the window can be open ruffling the curtains
     
    Living likes this.
  6. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It has become symbolic, but in the beginning it is something very practical. When I started doing this deliberately it was because I have lived on ground floor appartments for the last 20 years, so if I would open the curtains it would become extremely awkward to PMO;) On top of that I really believe in the idea that behaviour is strongly related to environment in the sense that if you change your environment it becomes easier to change your behaviour. So in this case, keeping the curtains closed is something that I really associate with PMO and therefore when I keep the curtains closed part of me sees that as a cue. But opening in the curtains is changing the environment and therefore the cue is gone. Not that it means I won't PMO, but I really reduce the chance of it happening.

    But the things you mentioned also play a huge role. There isn't a lot that will give me an immediate burst of positive energy like opening the curtains on a nice day. It alters my mood and it will make me more motivated. It's one of the reasons why I'm so happy with the promise of spring:)
     
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  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Today I was going for a run. Was planning on maybe 16 or 18 km, but the weather was nice and I felt good so I decided to make it a half marathon. Although my legs disagree with me right now, it really felt awesome. Haven't ran a half marathon in almost a year. Running has been important in my mental health in so many ways. From stress relief to getting more focused to becoming more confident. Doing this half marathon just felt like the right thing to do today:)
     
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  8. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    That's amazing!
     
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  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Still going strong. I'm pretty motivated and that helps me on working on things I find importent and by working on things I find important I stay motivated. I do have urges every now and then, but they don't really matter to me. For me this is much more about getting more control over my life than it is about porn.

    Three good things:
    -Fuck daffodils, fuck lapwings, the true sign of spring is the song of the blue throat. It's like it's trying to start an engine, misses a few times and then goes completely crazy. In my favorite wetland area the first were seen two days ago, so I wanted to try my luck today. The weather was great, it was actually kinda warm. My first suprise were a couple of garganeys. I knew they sometimes visit the area, but I'm still a beginner and hadn't seen them before. So that was awesome. Then I saw a northern pintail. I see a few almost every time when I go out there, but they are pretty much my favorite species of duck. One moment I thought I saw a blue throat, but wasn't completely sure. I went on, saw a couple of stone chats, heard skylarks. And then...I saw a guy with binoculars staring at a bush for a long time. Where he was standing most people stand still to watch harriers or a hawk, but they weren't around so I was getting my hopes up. Then I came closer, heard the song, wasn't completely sure yet and took out my binoculars too. I was pretty sure it was a blue throat, but he had his back to us. When the other guy said it was time the bird turned around I knew I was right. This was my first blue throat of the year. And then, he did turn around. Yes! That was cool:)
    -Going to eat at one of my favorite restaurants tonight. Last time we visited they had changed owner and had hired this young chef that just made dishes that were out of this world. I actually used my finger to get the last sauce from one of the dishes. But besides the great food, we really had a great time. It was like going on a culinary adventure. Hope it will be like that again.
    -Got a couple of compliments at work this week. One of the things I'm going to be working on is getting a certain process more effective (and less frustrating). Had a really good talk about that with my supervisor and it feels really good to be working on that.
     
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  10. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    It's nice when you can spontaneously extend those exercises. I miss being in such running form.

    Lots more birdsong this week, along with the first flowers, so I'd say that it's finally spring. There's still a lot of snow left in the shade, though.
     
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  11. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Things are going well. My main goal is spending more of my life in a way that enriches my life. Although there is always room for improvement, I think I have made some very positive steps in the right direction. Socially I'm becoming a bit more active than in the past couple of months and I have spend more time doing things I truly enjoy. Besides my walks in nature and running I have spend more time gardening and reading and less time behind my computer and watching tv. Watching no porn is not a serious goal in itself, but I know that watching porn tends to hinder my true goals, so it only makes sense to ditch that. Haven't watch porn in four weeks now and that does feel good. I'm also still doing the cold showers. It's something that feels good for now, so I'm going to keep that up for a while.

    Three good things
    -Eating out last week was downright awesome. Once again the food was just soooo good, but most important we had a really good time. I don't need to eat out often, but when I do I want it to be worth it. This was definitly worth it!
    -Over the past couple of weeks I've been watching The Great British Menu. I'm not really a fan of cooking compitations, because in my opinion they tend to be more competitive than they should. The Great British Menu is one the best of examples of how it should be. Sure, it is competative too, but the mutual respect between most of the chefs on this show is just awesome too watch. These are truly skilled people and they can truly appreciate the skills of their fellow contestants. I just think that's a great trait to have.
    -You can't always be lucky. Today I was going on a walk and I was really hoping to see eared grebes. They were seen over the last couple of days and they really are spectular birds. First time I saw a picture of one I sooooo wanted to see one in real life. Luckily they visit the local wetlands each year and I saw my first a lot sooner than I expected. Today I didn't see one though. At least: I did saw some birds in the distance that looked like small grebes and there is a reasonable chance they were eared grebes, but I couldn't see them well enough to be sure. Perhaps next week. I remember last week I was really stoked to see a blue throat at the end of my walk and this I already saw five during my first kilometer. Not seeing a bird you want to see is what makes it exciting though. Awesome thing was that I saw my first goshawk. I have always been a fan of passerines and birds of prey didn't really get my attention. I also found it hard to distinguish them. I'm starting to get a bit better at it. But every time I spotted a really light buzzard I hoped it was a goshawk, but it alway turned out to be a buzzard. Today I saw a bird and I knew straight away that it wasn't a buzzard. This was clearly different. I tried to take a picture, but it flew away. But at that point I saw the banding on it's chest I knew straight away it was a goshawk. I was actually calling out 'Yes! Yes! Yes!'. What an awesome bird is that!

    @Eternity: yeah, it's really great to be able to do so. I've always had a great basic running form and that really helps. I think during any moment of my life I have been able to run 10km without training. The last couple of years I've been training a lot though. Last year I started to run a half marathon every month, but then I switched to barefoot shoes and had to start all over again. It feels really nice to be at the stage again where I can just do this if I want to.
     
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  12. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Same here probably. I've always been in fairly good shape, which I guess comes from being active as a kid, as well as not having a desk job. What's usually stopping me from running is injury, but in latter years it's mainly because I've focused on cycling. I'm very curious about how far I could take running!

    Do you participate in any running events/races?
     
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I don't really like to count days, but hurray for week 5! While I find things pretty easy thus far, there is still this part of me that really thinks I should sit down and PMO. It's a pretty weak voice most of times, but it's pretty annoying to notice it. And it is unsettling at times. I wish it would magically go away one day, but even during my longer streaks it was still there occasionally. So perhaps I should accept that. The neural pathway has been created and became a busy highway through years of porn use. It might decay and even overgrow, but in the end the pathway will still be there. Writing this down makes me feel kind of grim, but perhaps that's the best it will get and it will have to do. I guess I can live with that:)

    Three good things:
    -Roasted chickpeas. I'm not too concerned about my health, but I think it's time to ditch the friday night bag of chips. I still really like a snack though. Last week and yesterday I tried roasting chickpeas and edamame beans with some species and I was really pleasantly surprised. These tasted awesome!
    -Everdell. I really like boardgames and I've been playing solo games every now and then for a couple of years. This winter I hadn't played before. Partly because I was busy, but also I decided porn was better way to spend my days off. Yesterday I pulled out this new game I got for my birthday named Everdell. It's a village building game placed in a forest and I really liked the theme. I don't know, for some reason forests have a huge pull to me. Anyway, the game was really fun and relatively easy to play. It took me about hours, but it's definitly a good addition to my other games. Oh, a friend of mine has this game called 'Dungeon Universalis' which is a D&D-like game which you can play solo. I'm really looking forward to trying that.
    -Gardening. While yesterday I was actually taking my hike in a snowcovered landscape, last week it was the best of weather. My GF had already started with preparing some vegetables to grow, but I had waited to plant some outside. Last saturday was the perfect weather for it though. I 'made' a flowerpot from a mixing bucket (as in: drilled holes in the bottom) and planted some jeruzalem artichokes. In our small vegetable patch I planted some rocket, mixed lettuce and chard. They are just the early vegetables, so there will be more to come.

    @Eternity: not really. I like running in nature on sunday mornings when there is no one around most. I have done some events and while I do like them a bit, I just prefer being on my own. I'm not really that competitive either, so it's not like I have a huge drive to run races:)
     
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  14. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    Sounds like you have a good thing going! :)
     
    Living likes this.
  15. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've tried for so long, but I keep coming back. I always say that I'm going to get something else, but it hasn't worked. I think the only way is to be more strict with my shopping.
    I also prefer solo running, but I find doing some events motivational. But they're mostly local ones with few people, so it's more to support the clubs hosting them. I don't think I'd enjoy huge marathons where it's too crowded to find a good pace.
     
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  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It amazes me how for a while I can let myself be controlled by urges a hunger for escape and by urges and then one day I decide that it has been enough and I can just give up without a whole lot of effort for six weeks. One the hand that feels really comforting, because it shows that when it comes to it I'm still the one that is in control. But on the other hand it's pretty unsettling too. I can't really get a grip on why I let myself escape like that even when I know it isn't good for me and especially why I don't pull myself back earlier on in the process. Ofcourse there are multiple factors, but still.

    Three good things:
    -It's really good to see how I'm making more time for things I value. My walks, gardening, cooking (made this really good veggie oven roast with feta today), reading, meditating, etc. And it's also good to see that I have come a bit more flexible with these things. In the past I could be a bit too black and white about stuff like that, which made it less enjoyable, but also meant that when I didn't do meditation one day for example I would think that I had failed and since I had failed anyway it was easier to slip back into bad habits. Perhaps I'm still not the most flexible person out there, but I definitly so some serious progress:)
    -Last weekend I went out to eat with friends. It was really fun and we had some nice conversations. Social interaction is something I tend to forget and Covid hasn't helped either. I have been struggling with social anxiety for most of my life and I'm not much of a extravert either (though I'm also not a classbook introvert). I enjoy spending time with people I like though and I also think it's important for the way I feel. While I'm pretty social at work, that's just not the same as having a beer with friends. lThis is definitly one of the things I want to be doing more often.
    -Ofcourse I save the best for last:) When we moved to our current house this was the first time I had a proper garden (the garden at my previous house was 12 m2). One of the things I really wanted to have in the garden was a small pond. Ponds are magic when it comes to attracting wildlife to your garden and I had already seen a newt the first week we moved here. My dream was that I would have a pond where newts would breed. We also wanted other things: lots of flowers, room for vegetables, so there wasn't a lot of room for a pond. The first two years we had a tiny pond with a 40 cm diameter. It was definitly something, but yeah, it was small. After that we turned a 80 cm diameter mixing bucket into a pond. That should be enough. The year after that I discovered the first newt in the pond and that was already awesome.. It lived there for at least a month. The next year (last year) we had five newts! I was stoked:) I wasn't sure if they had been bred in the minipond or that they just decided to live there, but I was stoked! Then this week I wondered if there were newts already. So I went out at night with my flash light and looked into the pond. Yes! Two newts. But when I looked a bit better into the water I saw a small dark grey larva. Hell yes, I had a baby newt! And when there is one, there are more. You guys wouldn't believe how thrilled I was after that. I think it's one of my best traits: being able to really enjoy the small things in life.

    Oh, and as a bonus good thing: I saw my first sparrowhawk today:)

    @Saville: Thanks man, it sure feels like that.

    @Eternity: Twisted huh? Makes you think about things. A bag of chips is nice, but it really shouldn't be that important.
     
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  17. Saville

    Saville Well-Known Member

    A really awesome trait, indeed.
     
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  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'm not sure I know how to anymore. I've always been quiet, but now I fear it would be completely awkward.

    Last year I also created a bucket pond, I didn't inspect it too much but there were at least diving beetles, and many insects and spiders at the edge. It sure brings creatures together, even if it's not always in the most obvious way. I fear that it's gone dead, though, since I haven't been able to establish any water plants.
    Ultimately, I plan is to dig a larger pond (around 2x2m.) Maybe I can start on it this autumn after the fields have been tended to.
     
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  19. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Maybe so, but if you once knew how to do it better you can get better at it again. If you find it important the awkwardness is something you need to accept and get through. I stutter, I'm stuck at almost every syllable, so I'm used to conversations being awkward. While it can be quite uncomfortable, the awkwardness is managable.

    There will always be some life in a pond. Perhaps not what you expect, but even when there are no plants there is still a lot going on. But I can imagine you want a bit more than that:) I would love a big pond like that too, sounds like an awesome project!
     
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  20. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Newts here are endangered (as are most reptiles and amphibians) so it would be good if some would like to live here. Toads and frogs are also great garden helpers, but I may be located too far from the nearest natural body of water for them to find it. Dragonflies are lovely too, such primordial creatures. Most of all it's the allure of water, though. I don't know what it is, but there's something so relaxing about lakes, ponds and the sound of water. I grew up having several large ponds and their brooks near the house, so that surely plays part. These lines are eerily accurate...

    Legolas Greenleaf long under tree
    In joy thou hast lived. Beware of the Sea!
    If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore,
    Thy heart shall then rest in the forest no more.
     
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