This morning I woke up and had some fantasies. Not like tuesday, but still they were there. And while I was lying in bed, I was like "Fuck it, why the hell would I not masturbate?" And so I did. I don't want to spend too many words on this and make it bigger than it is, but I've decided that I should be okay with this. It has been something that I had my doubts about for a longer while and I have never really been against masturbation, but spending so much time on here has made me afraid that this will send me on a one-way ticket back to my problems. I have mentioned in previous entries that I think this fear is a lot more unhealthy than even the occasional slip. I want to be rid of these fears, rid of these puritain believes. My problem is with escaping to a 'happy place' on a structural basis instead of putting in effort and going for the things I want I life, my problem is not with 5 minutes of masturbation. Even if I would do that every day. Now, maybe I'm completely wrong here, but I guess we'll see that in the near future. It's not like I have decided to masturbate on a daily basis, but perhaps if I feel like it again in let's say two weeks I think I should be fine with that Three good things: -Yesterday I was talking to a colleague of mine about job perspectives and such and she asked me why I was not trying for a PhD. Her boyfriend judged my paper for some award and she said he really thought it was a waste if I stayed in this job. I kind of agree, doing research is one of the things I like doing most and I am good at it, but right now is not the time for me. At least not for a PhD. It was nice to hear though that both of them had that kind of confidence in me -I've put a bit extra in my workouts. I've decided that I could spend 10 minutes less on my phone each day and use that for some daily push-ups and planking. So far that goes fine Perhaps went a little with overboard when I crosstrained pretty hard on monday, jumproped on tuesday and then did a run on wednesday. My legs felt pretty sore, especially when I had to drag some boxes up the stairs in the office yesterday I wanted to go for a run this morning, but I think I'll do that tomorrow morning instead. I should be properly healed by then -A friend of mine called me if I wanted some aquilegia. They were redoing there front garden and had some spare. Really happy with those!