Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    This morning I woke up and had some fantasies. Not like tuesday, but still they were there. And while I was lying in bed, I was like "Fuck it, why the hell would I not masturbate?" And so I did. I don't want to spend too many words on this and make it bigger than it is, but I've decided that I should be okay with this. It has been something that I had my doubts about for a longer while and I have never really been against masturbation, but spending so much time on here has made me afraid that this will send me on a one-way ticket back to my problems. I have mentioned in previous entries that I think this fear is a lot more unhealthy than even the occasional slip. I want to be rid of these fears, rid of these puritain believes. My problem is with escaping to a 'happy place' on a structural basis instead of putting in effort and going for the things I want I life, my problem is not with 5 minutes of masturbation. Even if I would do that every day.

    Now, maybe I'm completely wrong here, but I guess we'll see that in the near future. It's not like I have decided to masturbate on a daily basis, but perhaps if I feel like it again in let's say two weeks I think I should be fine with that:)

    Three good things:
    -Yesterday I was talking to a colleague of mine about job perspectives and such and she asked me why I was not trying for a PhD. Her boyfriend judged my paper for some award and she said he really thought it was a waste if I stayed in this job. I kind of agree, doing research is one of the things I like doing most and I am good at it, but right now is not the time for me. At least not for a PhD. It was nice to hear though that both of them had that kind of confidence in me:)
    -I've put a bit extra in my workouts. I've decided that I could spend 10 minutes less on my phone each day and use that for some daily push-ups and planking. So far that goes fine:) Perhaps went a little with overboard when I crosstrained pretty hard on monday, jumproped on tuesday and then did a run on wednesday. My legs felt pretty sore, especially when I had to drag some boxes up the stairs in the office yesterday:) I wanted to go for a run this morning, but I think I'll do that tomorrow morning instead. I should be properly healed by then:)
    -A friend of mine called me if I wanted some aquilegia. They were redoing there front garden and had some spare. Really happy with those!
     
    Last edited: Jun 21, 2019
    Gil79 likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    5 smiley faces in one post. I really like your positive attitide! Keep on going!
     
    Living likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    My goal is to one day make a post with 10 smiley faces. And I know, that is unheard of. Ofcourse it takes time and you really need to build it up, but I really think it's posible:)

    On a serious note: these 'three good things' are really important to me. Low self-worth is a big problem for me and that keeps building up when I feed myself with negative self-talk. Learning to pay more attention to all the good things in live that happen is one of the things that help me to deal with my problems.
     
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  4. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    LOL :D Maybe you should first notify the administrators ....
     
    Living likes this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Been doing fine. Had a nice weekend and noticed no negative effects from masturbating. In fact I think it kind of resolved the fantasies I had of late. There can be other reasons ofcourse why my fantasies decreased, but to me it makes sense by giving them a bit of an outlet the tension decrease a bit.

    Three good things:
    -Had a really great lunch with my parents and my girlfriend on saturday. I sometimes can get rather irritated by my dad, but this time it went really well and we just had a nice time. I baked some of my beetroot soda bread and some delicious short bread.
    -Went for a nice bike ride with my girlfriend yesterday. We did over 40 km trough forests and meadows. That felt really nice!
    -Been enjoying the weather of late. I especially love how our garden became even more beautiful than it was. The first series of peranials are starting to fade and new ones are coming in return. We have two really nice roses that are in full bloom and our echinacea are making buds, so they will start to bloom soon too. 4 years ago I bought this really beautiful grass (Deschampsia cespitosa 'Goldtau) that didn't bloom the way I wanted it to for the past years, but right now it's in full bloom and it's really awesome. I also love how the young blue tits that were born in our nesting box are learning how to get the food from our bird feeders. Oh, and I saw a hedgehog in our garden twice:)

    @Gilgamesh: I should:)
     
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  6. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Not much to write about my problems, but after months of demotivating projects at work I'm finally asked for a kickass project in a different region. The last months I have mainly been doing solo-projects, but this one is with a team and the entire project is just way more interesting.

    Besides that, which is a very good thing, three more good things:
    -I had a nice walk with my girlfriend on monday. Just plain and simple nice:) The weather was nice and we had fun.
    -My rejuvelac is almost ready. The first batch didn't work out, but really looking forward to this one. Right now it's just having it's second fermentation. Almost found another simple fermented drink based on beetroot. Since I'm a huge fan of beetroot I think I will try that out next.
    -Did a good session of garden-ecology yesterday. I'm already getting decent at seeing the differences between different families of hoverflies:) Pinpointing which species it is I'm dealing with is still hard though. But ofcourse that takes time!
     
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  7. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'd say that learning about flora and fauna is a lifelong quest. I'm absolutely rubbish at telling anything apart, whether tree or insect. I should start with the basics.
     
    Living likes this.
  8. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    It's a little sad to me that things like this aren't really taught in schools anymore(even twenty years ago, when I was in school). My parents know a lot about plants, gardening, birds, insects, about nature in general. My knowledge is very sparse in contrast. It seems that school isn't really about education anymore but about getting ready for the economy.
     
    Living likes this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I'm doing good. I guess I'm feeling a lot better than I did 4 months ago when I was escaping to my happy place way too much. Sometimes it'd hard to tell what has changed, but every now and then I notice something I do that I wouldn't have done back then. One of the things I have noticed a couple of times lately is that when this one part of me starts thinking it's a grand idea to watch porn another part of me is like 'why do the hell would I do that?'. Ofcourse I have done that actively before, but right now it's becoming more of an automatic thing. I don't really have to do anything for that. It are things like that I really get aware of the progress I make.

    Three good things:
    -I'm doing good:)
    -I was going to post something in this topic on sunday, but my GF was at a party and had asked me to come too. I was writing that post and suddenly I was like 'What? I'm sitting here writing about my life, when I actually can live'. Did was a really good decision!
    -My kvas has turned out really good! I added some ginger and fenugreek and tastes really nice. I bet it tastes nice with some fresh mint too:)
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad to hear you're reaching some decent stability Living. Gives me some hope :)
     
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  11. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thank you:) I really appreciate that! On the one hand I am making steps and I'm proud of those steps without a single doubt, but on the other it's still hard to see that as 'decent stability'. I guess I always had this idea in my head where there really is a stability, that happiness is the normal state you should be in and that I was broken because I was unhappy. And these days I'm just starting to learn that that is not life and that expecting that to be true is likely to lead to constant feelings of failure. At least it was in my case. So while I name all these positive things in my life that happen (and there are a whole lot of positive things once you learn to pay attention to them), there are still moments or even longer periods where I feel really unhappy. But despite those moments there is reason for hope though:) My best moments now are better than my best moments a year ago and worst moments are better than my worst moments back then.
     
  12. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Well it's definitely ''decent'' if you compare it to the stability I've been rocking these days :confused:;)

    You really are one of the guys on here that inspires me a lot because you have a calm approach to this hole thing. You manage to stay off the habit, yet you're not overly dependent of your ''streak''. It's what I feel would be the healthy approach for me as well and the one I'm trying to foster.

    Regarding "stability and "happiness". You know, more and more I feel the goal is to get to a place where we can have more joy. More contentment with whatever it is we have, are given. That's the end goal. One man can have everything but if he is so broken that he can't enjoy any of it he isn't a "happy" person. The person who has enough peace in himself in order to enjoy the moments, whether he's alone or with others - that's the stability I'm looking for.

    I was (and am still ?) always chasing "happiness" in the traditional sense. And I think that it's counterproductive.

    A rich person is a person that can enjoy what he has. Of course there are basic needs and I'm not saying we don't need food or a roof and company. But we actually tend to get those more when we are content with what we have.

    For example, I lost my girlfriend, a few years ago - because I didn't know how to enjoy her presence. It wasn't necessarily my fault (I was who I was) but still I didn't know how to enjoy her. I was often dreaming of something else.

    I like how you put it here :)
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
    Living likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Second that!
     
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  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx guys! Ofcourse I find my approach the most healthy and sane one too, but I guess we all do what makes the most sense to us:) I'm gonna do a quick three good things because I'm in a hurry:

    -Had a great and fun weekend with my girlfriend. Sometimes 10% more effort means a 100% increase in how you feel
    -I invested in humor:) This might sound a bit strange, but this is a part of me I have really neglected a bit in the last couple years. It has been all the stressing and the idea that I needed to be taken seriously. I guess that turned me more serious than I would like to be. Now last week I started listening to 'Conan o'Brein needs a friend' and just listening how a bit of humor can make your life so much more fun motivated me to take a few steps towards the lighter sides of life. I actually had quite a few very good laughs with my girlfriend and that felt just soooooooo good. If I can laugh like that a couple of times a day I'm game:)
    -I'm going the project I was talking about last week in a few hours. Just really looking forward to that. It's exciting, because I don't know any of the people I'm going to be working with, but at least I will be working with people:)
     
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    At the moment I don't really have the time to make elaborate post, but I'm doing fine. Not a whole lot to report besides good things:)
     
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  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    In general I'm doing fine. The last few days I had some sexual tension and lingering fantasies. I don't really see this as a problem. This is something every man deals with every now and then, especially when he hasn't had sex in a few weeks and the hot weather leads to less fabric:) This afternoon I stumbled on some news item about DeepNude and that caught my attention and I googled it. I watched some images, got a bit excited and then I was like "Okay, that was fun, but I could spend my time in a better way." Perhaps a year ago I would have seen this as an alarm bell and got all cautious, but right now I feel like this is place I want to be at. I'm not planning on becoming a monk, I want to be able to deal with things like this and then move on. So that's a positive thing in my book. I do consider masturbating in the next couple of days, because this always decreases the sexual tension for me. On the other hand, perhaps a good night's sleep might do the trick too:)

    Three good things:
    -I dug a mini pond last weekend:) I already had one, but that one was more like a micro pond. Frogs and salamanders did visit the pond sometimes, but I would like some more so I have some friends I can count on to deal with the slugs.
    -I realized it has been almost a year since I have handed in my thesis. That was such a big deal to me and I'm still sooooo glad that I was able to finish it!
    -Had a nice couple of weeks on my work project. Interesting stuff and very nice people. Very glad I'd asked to do the project:)
     
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  17. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    The fantasies still 'haunt' me at night and in the morning, but I seem to get better at accepting them again and deciding that I should not linger on them too much. I'm kinda curious about PMO-ing again, but I still find it quite easy to dismiss that curiosity and decide that that's not somewhere I want to go at the moment.

    Three good things:
    -Running. Running keeps me sane:) Had some of my fantasies this morning and got out of bed and ran 9 km. I heard you need to spend more time to get a proper runner's high, but it still makes me feel so much better. Running really makes a difference to me and is without a doubt part of the good place where I am right now.
    -I picked up some of my old research again and dived in to that. It's really fun and I would love to finish it:)
    -Booked a trip with my girlfriend. My holiday starts today and I could really do with some proper relaxation. Looking forward to that!
     
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  18. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Good work Living. You're inspiring me as always. I like the 3 "good things" you write here. The running, I should do some longer distances. I usually do about 20 mins daily. But I don't have a watch to track my distance. I'm doing it minimalistically.

    Regarding the PMO curiosity, although the curiosity is legitimate and you should not beat yourself up for having it (as I'm sure you aren't) just remember that the risks of exploring this curiosity aren't worth it. The risk of giving back momentum to a habit you have put a lot of work in reducing it's momentum !

    Have a good weekend!
     
    Living likes this.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    So cool. This kind of gardening is a form of art.
     
    Living likes this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    @Thelongwayhome27: the curiosity thing is just me being honest towards myself. Part of this process to me is the battle between the short term highs (in which porn has played a big role in my past) and long term content. This is pretty much a constant discussion in which one part of me really wants me to take care of my needs right now and the other one rather looks at me being happy in the future. To me a streak is not a black and white thing where u either want porn or not want porn. I guess part of me always wants porn or something similar, but what's important to me is how that relates to the part of me that deals with the long term. There's a constant discussion between those two and it's all about who has the best arguments really. In general right now the arguments of the short term are hardly even considered when it comes to porn, but it's not like they are not there. Last week it was just getting a bit of a loud mouth and perhaps the other side was a bit off guard. That happens now and that will happen in the future. And I think being honest to myself about that is very important.

    By the way: when I say there will always be a part of me that wants porn I don't mean that in a 'once an addict always an addict'-way. It's just that you will always be a aware that porn exists and how it will make you feel short-term and therefore this will always be an argument in the discussion. To me this is normal human behaviour. I also have this with pizza for example and I'm not a pizza addict either:)

    Regarding the sports watch: in the past I could get bored with running, but with the watch it really has become something I can challenge myself with. It motivates me get running, even when I can home from a long workday or when it rains.

    @Gilgamesh: to me having a garden is like real life SimCity. It's all about creating a good balance and doing that is just total fun. My gardening is next to running and meditation another tool that really makes a difference to me. I was actually considering to recommend that to you as a substitute for porn, but I thought that perhaps this was just my quirk:)
     
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