Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Three good things:
    -Yesterday my car kinda broke down and had to go to the garage. That rather sucked. It took me 3 hours longer to get home. The guy from roadside assistence was awesome though! He really helped and probably did some stuff he didn't have too. I really appreciated that.
    -My girlfriend was awesome too. She texted some friends and family to send me supportive messages while I was waiting for the roadside assistence (had to wait 1,5 hour) and when I got home she made some delicious linguine and got some other nice things to cheer me up. I love her anyway, but that was just plain awesome:)
    -Since my work envolves a lot of waiting I started listening to some podcasts. Yesterday and today I listened to this podcast from a woman who's highschool bf commited suicide and wanted to find out exactly what happened and why this happened. Although the topic was kinda heavy and sad, the podcasts were a beautiful thing and done in such a tasteful way. I have experience with suicide in my family and certain things really struck me.
    Pete McVries likes this.
  2. Pete McVries

    Pete McVries Well-Known Member

    Can you post the link to the podcast? A friend of my best friend recently commited suicide and it may help him.
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    You are Dutch too, right? Might make it a little bit easier to understand:)


    Sorry to hear about your friend. Its hard to say if this will help him, especially if it's still fresh. I would say listen to it first and see if the tone of the podcast might help him. I hope it does.
  4. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I've often worried about it being too late to take up studies again, but that gives me even more hope. I definitely think we should look into a change. Unlike you I've never enjoyed my job, and it's almost unbelievable that I've worked there for so long. PMO makes you do things, and also makes you not do things.
    Living likes this.
  5. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Today I have a day off and this morning the urges were already popping up like those tiny bubbles when baking pancakes. It was a bit worrying and ofcourse part of me did consider to PMO, but I seem to be able to handle it well. I took a shower, did some stuff I needed to do and gone were the urges. I do realize that I need more days off to disassociate being home alone with PMO, making a now neural pathway and neglecting the old one. Good for me that I've decided to work 4 days max at the moment: that should bring some possibilities:)

    @Eternity: sorry to hear about never having enjoyed your job, that must be hard. I think that if you look into things and prepare a next path you want to take that there are probably options. It's not like you bring something completely new: you do have experience with a lot of things, we all do, and you also bring your enthousiasm:)

    Three good things:
    -The garden is really flourishing right now. It's awesome. So many flowers, so many insects and spiders, so many birds, so many butterflies. Ofcourse the weather helps too, but seeing how something you have 'created' comes together really well, makes you feel really good.
    -I was able to move beyond my urges again. It's good to remind myself that that in itself is a good thing too:)
    -I was asked by another company to work for them. I did projects for them before and there are really nice people there. Right now they can only offer me the same thing I'm doing right now though, so there isn't a real reason to work for them. Nonetheless, it was cool them asked me:)
    Thelongwayhome27 and cjm like this.
  6. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Well done. Often the small breaks are most efficient. Sounds like things are going positively for you, and that's always motivational to read.
    Living likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx @Eternity. Yes, things are heading in the right direction. Although I mention porn in my journal, this is something that hardly plays a role. Porn has always been my favorite escape, my happy place, but in the end it's not the main problem. Probably the biggest step I took was finishing my thesis last year. Not having finished that had quite an effect on me and how I saw myself. So with that finished there was already less reason to escape. For the rest I have been making steps, perhaps not the biggest, but I have been making steps and that's what matter. One of my biggests helps with that has been meditation and that goes beyond the benefits of meditation in itself. Meditation has been my thermometer: if I notice myself skipping meditation too often I know that I'm straying from my path. And on the other hand it's a very powerful reminder to keep myself making steps. Doing my daily meditation makes me aware that I want to make steps and also why I want to make steps. But without wanting to sound negative, I still have a long way to go:)

    Yesterday morning I had 'the dream'. The dream that a lot of us have in which we have a relapse. And I remember how bad I felt when that happened. To me this dream was not about watching porn, but about my journey and how much it means to me to get through this. I don't know if the dream innitially was about watching porn (perhaps it started as a longing), but the way I felt in my dream as soon as I realized what was happening is what matters to me most. Clearly even in my dreams this is something I don't want.

    Three good things
    -I had a nice weekend again. Didn't do like a whole lot, but I had time to relax and do some things I like
    -Had an awesome D&D session yesterday. We fought a throll, but there was also some intrige concerning my backstory. I was glad we ended it before the intriging encounter was over, because I actually need to think about how I can handle this properly. To me this is what makes D&D the most awesome game ever to me. Some people might think of it as fantasy, but to me at comes as close to real life as possible. The way the things you do can have major consequences and all. That's just straight awesome:)
    -I had a really nice talk with two of my friends. They are trying to have kids, but for them that doesn't go as easy as they would like. We just had a good talk about that. Nothing more, nothing less.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  8. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    D&D is cool. I've only tried it once and that's when I was a kid. I still recall how deep it seemed, though.

    I like how you list recent positive things. That's something that could be motivational to do.
    Living likes this.
  9. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    It is:) It makes you pay more attention to good things and what brought them on. It also makes you realize that there are a whole lot of nice things in the world.

    What I do here is pretty much a shorter version of this: https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/three-good-things
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Things are still going fine. Last week I had some more urges and fantasies when I woke up. Not sure if that was due to being at home a bit more often or because I felt these were feeling I should have for being at home more often. It could also be some other reasons. I had a little bit of stress last week because my current employer notified me that they couldn´t give me a new contract, but right now that seems to be a mistake. Haven´t been able to contact HR yet, but my supervisor doesn´t want me to leave, so that´s good:) Although it would ofcourse suck if they couldn't give me a new contract, I can always get back to the company that contacted me last week.

    Besides that I thought it would be good to give myself a little push by working more actively on ACT with The Happiness Trap. I have started doing that last week and it's hard to tell after just one week, but I seem to be doing better. Especially when it comes it to dealing with unhelpful thoughts. I have always been a person that spends most of his time 'in his head' and therefore I also been confronted with a lot of thoughts that weren't really helping me. That has been one of the main things that really worked on my self-confidence, so it would be good to try and deal with that. Right now I'm working on 'defusion' where you no longer see your thought as absolute truths that need your immidiate attention. In the past week I have been doing that several times a day when I noticed thoughts that weren't helping me at all and I must say that right now my head seems more at ease. I guess my meditation sessions help with that too. But if this is a sign of what's to come, I'm defenitly down for that:)

    Three good things:
    -Thursday I went to a museum with a friend of mine and his soon-to-be wife. It was really nice, saw some impressive stuff and afterwards we went to the city where I live and went out for dinner with my girlfriend. We went to this really nice burger restaurant where they have like a million kinds of beer. Since I like trying new stuff I gave the waiter an idea what I wanted and asked her to suprise me. That doesn't always work, because some waiters will take a save bet, but she brought us some beers that I have had before and they were really nice. Fitting the weather perfectlty. And the burger was delicious too:)
    -The weekend before this one I visited some friends and they had really nice double-flowered aquilegia in their garden. Normally I'm not really a sucker for double-flowered plants, because often they are much too complex to attract bees and such and also because I prefer simple, natural looking plants. But this one really looked beautiful and from the flower was built it bees shouldn't have any problem with it. So they promised me they would collect some seeds for me so I could sow they next year. However...when it comes to acquiring plants I'm not the most patient men:) So I already looked on the website of my favorite nursery and they had the same ones and in even more beautiful colors. However they didn't have them in stock...they did however at my parents favorite nursery, so I asked my parents if they felt like going to the nursery with me on friday and we did some proper plant shopping:) I had a great time with them. I don't have the best of bonds with my parents (not that it's bad), but we do share a love for plants and gardening. And I went home with two very nice aquilegia-cultivars, some nearly black deep purple ones and some very deep red ones. I also got some dark red sanguisorba-cultivars from the nursery and a quite low species of verbena with very dark leaves from my parents garden. I hope they will all do well.
    -Ofcourse this meant gardening on friday and saturday. I had a very nice weekend with my girlfriend which we mainly spend in the garden. I had some weeding to do and I bought a great book on dealing with pests in a more ecological way. Besides gardening I did a lot of reading (the pest-book and a really cool children's book) and I made some delicious kissir with haloumi on friday which we also consumed on saturday with some really really nice beers. For those who like beers: the Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier is one of my favourites when the temperatures are rising, but saturday I tried the Weihenstephaner Kristal Weissbier and that was great too. Defenitly something to try;)
    Gil79 likes this.
  11. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Yesterday I realized that I find it hard to say why I'm having no problem with porn at the moment. When I returned to this forum in March I was watching some sort of porn almost every day and was PMO-ing regularly. The day after I came here I slipped. Since then I haven't watched porn. I guess I have always had my longer streaks, but right now my streak pretty much just 'happens'. Sure, I have my occasional urges, but it's not like I have to work very hard not to give in. Often it's just making the decision that I'm not going to and I'm fine. And while I do try to make positive changes in my life I can't really say that I try very hard for that either. I try to keep up with my meditations and my workout's and try to spend time doing things I find valuable, but there are also things I find quite hard in my life. The main thing that has changed as I guess my mindset. I see my problems in a different way and I see my solutions in a different way. Certain of these views have been growing in the last few years, but right now it seems like something simply clicked.

    Three good things:
    -I have been experimenting with fermentation for over a year now. Some of the things went all and others became biohazards:) One of the things I have had mixed results with are drinks. I have made a proper ginger ale, but I wasn't very pleased with my kefir and my kombucha and jun just didn't work at all. Right now I'm starting with rejuvelac, which is one of the easiest fermentized drinks to make (it's just grain and water) and I'm really looking forward to see how that goes and what it tastes like. Should be finished in a couple of days.
    -We have five peonies in are garden and although I don't particularly like most peonies they are my girlfriend's favourite plant. However, they haven't been doing very well. We have four dark pink ones and one green one that I happen to trample every year. The pink ones were here already when we got the house. We had to put them in a different spot and since then only one of them had had one flower and that one bloomed while we were in Scotland...Right now that same one had another bud and it is blooming right now. So while I still think it's a a butt ugly plant I do love how my girlfriend is getting all excited about it flowering. That does make me happy:) In the meanwhile some of the echinacea I have sown (a bit late) are coming up. Really looking forward to put them in the garden too. We have sown some a month or so ago, but they didn't really go well.
    -Went out for diner with some of my gf's colleagues yesterday. We went to a really nice Greek restaurant where we got this menu consisting of a million things we could try. That tasted sooooooo good!
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Three good things:
    -I saw a mint moth in our garden this morning. It was the first one this year, so that always brings a smile to my face.
    -A pair of blue tits are nesting in our nesting box. They do so every year, but they were a bit lit late this year. Right now I see one of them constantly bringing food to the box and when I walk past it I hear all these chicks making noise. By the way, when I mentioned tits and chicks I did actually mean birds;)
    -Our national soccer team won yesterday and is in the finals of the Nation's League. It really was a great game, very exciting, especially after the 1-1. Our national team hasn't been all that good the last couple of years, but right now they are very promising and it would be nice to have a summer to cheer for them again:)
    TrueSelf likes this.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Three good things:
    -We went to eat with friends on wit monday. The guy we were at is really a great cook and everything tasted just soooo good. Oh, and it was fun too:)
    -I met a girl I went to university with on the train and it turned out she had switched to ecology:) So we had a talk about that and I asked her if I could come for a field trip sometime with her and she said she would like that. Really looking forward to that, seeing how that is and if that's something I would like to switch to.
    -I'm having a few days off. Point:)
    Gil79 and cjm like this.
  14. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    This seems to me like something you'd be interested in, and it is for a good cause. I want to head down that road myself.
    Living likes this.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I've noted an increase in fantasies when I was on my 4-day holiday. Nothing troubling, but it defenitly annoying. It's still that sense of missing out, probably combined with a bit of stress from the holiday (I know, isn't that meant to relax?) and some other stuff. Did have a great time though, so it's easy to come up with three good things:)

    -We saw some great art on our trip. We were in Ghent and although I did like '' Het Lam God's", the whole Christian art overload is completely wasted on me. We did saw some pretty nice stuff at the Museum of Fine Arts though. I used to be a bit of a sucker for Romanticism, but these days Realism and Impressionism really start to grow on me. The more I see, the more start to really enjoy it. Some of the pieces I saw there I wouldn't mind having on my wall at all:)
    -Ofcourse we had great food too. Love 'stoofpotjes' en 'waterzooi':) Just so much flavour.
    -The best thing however was a movie we watched: 'The biggest little farm'. I worry about the way we treat our environment big time. I have always had that and ofcourse the last few years haven't been very good with all these reports coming out. It is rather depressing in fact, but I don't think it has to be depressing. Yes, it's time to seriously change things, but I don't think pointing fingers is the way to do that. If you want people to make a difference you have to show them opportunities and that's what a documentary like 'The biggest little farm' does. While the movie might show picture that is too ideal, it mainly shows an alternative that gives hope for the future. At least it did to me:) If you have the time and want to feel good:

  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Totally. Would love that:)
  17. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    Probably because all we hear about are the problems, and not the solutions. There are already steps being taken, and I wish media (I dislike media, but it has power) would focus more on these. Did you, for example, know that a forest in Sweden finally got protected after a 40-year long struggle with authorities and timber companies? That's very positive, and shows that things can be done. Sadly, this news never shows up in general media, where the need is the greatest.
    Living likes this.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Today wasn't my best start of the day. The increased fantasies are still there and it even seriously crossed my mind to PMO. One of the things I'm struggling with is that I don't have a sexual outlet in the way I had for over 25 years. Now I prefer to go without porn the occasional sex with my girlfriend is not enough to fulfill me. I try to be okay with that and most of the time I am, but every now and then there just is this hunger for that good old rush. While I don't think that has to be an addict-thing at all, I do believe that giving in to it right now is far from beneficial for me. 'Normal' masturbation might be an option, but my fantasies right now are just as much porn as watching a video is. It's frustrating.

    Three good things:
    -did a pretty workout yesterday. I went for a run in the morning, but for some reason my knee didn't feel right and so I went to the gym instead in the afternoon. Since I've bought my sports watch a couple of months back I've noticed that my crosstrainer-session could be a bit tougher. I mainly do cardio and while I thought my sessions were not bad before my heart-rate was a lot lower then when I was running. So I decided to spice it up a bit. These days cross-training feels so much more like a proper work-out:)
    -did some gardening yesterday. The thing I am most happy with is my work on my dead hedge. I have been working on that for a couple of years now with mainly branches from our own garden and was building too slow for my liking. For a couple of weeks I had noticed that they hadn't cleaned up this fallen down tree that was lying on the sidewalk in our street. I've felt a bit reluctant to get some proper branches from there, but yesterday I was like "Fuck it! It's not like the munincipality is going to do anything good with it anyway." So I raised my hedge for about 30 to 40 cm with dead branches and also got part of a really thick branch to put somewhere in the garden. I know the dead hedge already houses a lot of insects and other small animals, possible even a hedgehog, but I really would like some birds nesting there too. So I'm putting my thumbs up for next year:)
    -had a great evening with my girlfriend. We went to the gym, then cooked some curry and ate in our garden. The rest of the evening we did a bit of gardening and reading. Nothing really special, but we did have a lot of fun.

    @Eternity: I agree and good to hear about that! What I especially like about The Biggest Little Farm is that it's on the one hand about creating more biodiversity, but also about a succesful way of producing food that not only is a whole lot less disruptive to nature, but also takes advantage of nature while doing so. It's a great example that production and creating a better environment can go hand in hand.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Is it the frequency of having sex or more that normal sex can't compete with artificial stimulation with fantasy and porn?

    I just checked the YBOP starters info again about sensizitation and desensizitation (probably spelled that wrong). The actual physiological changes in our brain make normal (sexual) experiences dull compared to the porn we hard-wired ourselves to. A reboot without fantasy and porn should be able to change that back and make normal sex more and more enjoyable.

    Living likes this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx! Sure, I wouldn't mind our sex being a bit more adventurous, but that's actually something I can cope with. The main problem for me is the frequency. And it's not like it has to be three times a day, but once a week would be nice. Sometimes it's hard to understand. She does enjoy the sex a lot when we have sex and she has really intense orgasms, but we just don't have sex a lot. I think it's partly due to her having a whole lot of stress. These last couple of years I've taught myself to be okay with less sex than I would like, but now that I'm okay with that perhaps it would be good to innitiate sex a bit more often again.

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