Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    I know this feeling and it's definitely not a nice one. I've had a lot of trouble with this myself and at times it can make me really down (when it happens). Lately I told myself one thing that made it worst was unrealistic expectations I had from my current group of friends (would hope to connect with them more then possible and also demand from them what in the end I'm not sure they can give me because we are different on some stuff). I've realized I should lower my expectations, adjust my relationship with them to a more casual level, focus on the good aspects of the relationship (not what we don't click on) and most importantly not be afraid to look for new relationships where perhaps I can find the level of connection and understanding I am longing for and needing.
     
    Living likes this.
  2. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks @Thelongwayhome27 ! I agree with what you wrote and I think I should also accept that friends (including me) sometimes go different ways. That's kind of hard though:) And yeah, I do agree that perhaps I should be open to new relationships too. I already kind of have that with my D&D-group, but they are not the kind of people I would hang out and grab a beer with.
     
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  3. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 12: Day 12 already! I think when I got back here 13 days ago that I was going to try 5 days at first and now I'm already on 12th day. I feel really good about it and better yet, it feels good. I sleep better and I feel a lot better in general. The meditations play a very big part in that, but keeping away from porn does help a lot too. It's not like I haven't had weeks like this without porn in a while, but doing it in such a deliberate way does make a difference. I'm glad I came back here:)
     
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  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 16: things are going well. I haven't (seriously) meditated the last two days because I found other things more important at the time, but I will pick that again today. Today I was off early from work and one of the first things that came to mind is "How about watching porn this entire afternoon?" I would probably have done that two weeks ago, but I'm not going to do that today.

    One thing that I notice has a huge impact on how feel and how I deal with my problems is the weather. When it's sunny and I see my entire surroundings coming to live again, I find it a lot easier to not give in to porn. It's actually one of the things that makes me very critical of things like the famous 90 days. While I do believe that there is a period of time to change your behaviour I also believe that this period depends on how you feel and your surroundings. To me it is easier to maintain a really long streak in spring and summer than it is in winter, but when winter comes it's a lot easier to give in again. But that goes for mood in general. My streaks are much more dependent on how I feel than on what day I am. I think I have said something similar before but to me this battle isn't fought when things are going fine and easy, but on the days that you feel down and could do with some good old escaping. On those days it doesn't really matter whether you are on day 18 or day 118. But the positive is that it teaches us (or at least me) how important it is to work on feeling better about yourself and your life.
     
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  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 19: I do have some urges occasionally, but I don't worry about those too much. Part of those I consider natural sexual needs. I don't expect myself to be without longings for masturbation or sex and neither is that my goal. It's just that right now it would be easier if I didn't have them:)
     
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 23: I'm closing in on a month! That's big:) Not much to report on urges and such, still going steady.

    I got a little bit down/uncomfortable today. I'm working on a project that kinda sucks. I do try to stay positive about it, but most (read: 90%) of the time I just have to stand around waiting and when I can do something it's rather uninteresting. Besides that I don't work with the people I normally work with, but instead work with a group of guys that are rather racist, homophobic and sexist. For the rest they are pretty nice guys, but it often feels uncomfortable being around them. That in itself is rather depressing. On top of that however, there are the client and the contractor that have financial issues between each other, but since a while also with my own company. This morning I overheard (I was in the room next to them) a conversation between the client and the contractor where they were pretty much bashing my company. It was mainly about the costs and all, but still it's hard not to take it personal since I'm the guy doing the job and therefore the guy making the costs. So that kinda sucked. The client did say during that conversation that he thought I was a very decent guy though, so that was nice.

    This afternoon I had a good talk to counter that though. As those who have read my journal last year might know I finished my thesis in september. Now, in december there was this conference where they give an award for the best thesis each year. I wasn't there, but my GF, who was there, told me that I received an honorable mention and that they were pretty positive about my work. That in itself was already a compliment, but this afternoon I talked to one of the people that is in the commitee of the awards and he told me that in fact the number one and me were pretty much tied and far above the rest, but that the woman who won the award scored just a few points here and there. That was really good to hear. I put a hell of time and energy into that thesis, so it's definitly nice to hear it's appreciated like that:)
     
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  7. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    That's one of the things that often sucks in the workplace you often don't really get to choose the projects you work on and, perhaps even worst, the people you need to work with. Reminds me how petty workplace stuff can erode the morale. Guess we gotta deal with such unpleasant things and the more we do it, the more we learn how to deal with them while staying rather equanimous about it. Ideally we'll reach a point in life when we kind of have more control what we work on and who we work with. Or if not, develop the maturity, experience and resilience to deal with it in a zen way.
     
    Living likes this.
  8. Living

    Living Active Member

    30 days:) We'll count that as a month. Thing are going well. Meditations, but also the season (everything coming back to live again), have become a solid basis to make steps upon. Ofcourse keeping away from porn is just one of them. I always like to see that as a result of making steps in the right direction, but at this stage keeping away does take effort ofcourse. I can't say I found it really hard this far though. This is something that always surprises me. I hear stories of people having a hard time quitting and all kinds of withdrawal symptoms, but for me the first week is a bit tough, but when I'm in the right mood it's just the occasional urge I have to go through. 95% of the time I don't really need to put effort into giving up porn, it's just at times when I feel down or stressed that I really need to watch my step. I guess problems involving porn abuse come in all kinds of forms.

    On the good things happening was this weekend. I had four days off and I think this was the first time in a very long time that I actually felt off. On friday I first did a morning run and went to a local plant nursery in the afternoon and bought some really cool plants for our garden. I was really happy with that! Plants and seeing how our garden thrives gives me just so much joy. We had this one area in the garden that we weren't really satisfied about, but with the plants we bought I think it will become plain awesome. Afterwards we went out for diner with my girlfriends parents and had some really nice food at this place in the park. The second day was just relaxing. I went to the market in the morning, made a huge leap in my book (American Gods, great book!) and planted the plants we bought. I did have a bit of an argument with my girlfriend, but that was just a bit of built up tension that exploded. It's was nice, but hey, the rest of the day was great. Then sunday I made banana pancakes (while playing Jack Johnson) and did more reading. In the afternoon we did a nice bike ride. And we made our killer chili, had some wine and just had a nice time. Just a beautiful day:) Yesterday was the last day of my mini-holiday. I did a 11 km run with some great laptimes in the morning, in the afternoon I sowed some seeds and did some other gardening stuff.

    Thinking about how these things sometimes just go so well on and on make me compare it to learning to walk. I once heard about how you learn to walk pretty much by falling. You fall forward and as a response you put your foot forward. However since you got a bit of momentum going you fall again and have to put your other foot in front of you and before you know it you are walking. Sometimes when I'm taking positive steps in my life at first it takes effort, but after a while it just becomes something automatic. Like by making a positive step a second positive step is triggered. Ofcourse, this is not a good metaphore at all, but still, the momentum is something we should make as much use of as possible:)

    @Thelongwayhome27 : I get your point, but there are also things I (like respect for other individuals despite their sex, race or sexual preference) care about too much. And although that sometimes makes me feel down, I do believe it's also a beautiful thing:)
     
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  9. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 33: still doing well. Today I took a day off and because I would be home alone this morning I considered porn. I thought how one time wouldn't make such a difference, but then decided that it would make difference to me. Instead of giving in I decided to see this day as a good opportunity to learn to detach being home alone from porn. Being home alone is probably still my biggest cue for porn so it's good to work on that:)
     
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  10. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Active Member

    Yeah being home alone and having a window to use is not easy. I've been having that precise thought of what can using once do as well for the past few days. Rationally, though, I know it will have bad consequences. It's not the easiest thought to put away though. Congrats on being over one month free of PMO !
     
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  11. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    There are so many nice things to do home alone when you dont pass your time with your hand in your pants! Well done!
     
    Living likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Active Member

    It's something that we have been associating with watching porn for probably since we started watching it. For 'old men' like us that means probably well over 20 years. It's a neural pathway that we have ingrained and ingrained over and over again. I think that if you look at it that way it's only natural that it's not easy to put away. It will take time to dissassociate being home alone from watching porn. I know for me that will take a whole lot more than 90 days. In 90 days I'm home alone probably 5 days or so, so not a lot of time to practice with that. I do believe that every moment you decide not to watch porn counts though. Every time you do that you change those neural pathways and build a better one:)

    Thanx @Thelongwayhome27 and @Gilgamesh. I'm glad I got this far:)
     
  13. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    I remember the first time home alone watching a softporn movie on TV. Also that I was already anticipating on it in school. It was second grade high school: 27 years ago :eek:

    Home alone checking out the female bath and underwear sections of catalogues was way before that :p

    Yeah, not something you change from one day to another, but at least now we know whats best for us :)
     
    Living likes this.
  14. Living

    Living Active Member

    Yeah, Wehkamp and Neckermann:)
     
  15. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Indeed:oops: LOL:D
     
    Living likes this.
  16. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 36: PMO-wise things are going just fine. When it comes to dealing with my problems there is one big thing I'm struggling with though. For as long as I've known I've seen myself as 'broken', 'incomplete', 'not as I should be' etc. Now I believe that this isn't a good place to start from. Acceptance of who I am, with all the good things and all the bad things, to me is one of the most important things when it comes to learning to deal with my problems. But while I'm dealing with porn and other stuff in a way I'm constantly telling myself that I'm still not good enough. I know there's a difference between improving my life and improving myself, but the line between those sometimes seems rather flimsy. I think it's time for me to stop seeing myself as 'broken', but I find that very hard when I'm constantly reminding myself that I am 'broken'. Any good tips are welcome!

    In the meanwhile, a little statement: I am not broken, I never was broken and I never will be broken:)
     
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  17. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 42: it feels good to be doing this well. This weekend I was home alone and to a part of me that means a great opportunity for porn. So one part of me was secretly looking forward to this weekend and thinking about what I was going to watch and how great I would feel at that moment. Ofcourse another part was anxious. While I'm doing fine right now I guess I'm constantly worried and sometimes anxious if I will ever be able to let go of porn and truly focus on the things that matter to me. It has me thinking about having to live in shame and guilt all the time and that's a depressing idea. After all, even though I have made great steps the shame and guilt towards myself and towards others still lingers in the background most of the time.

    What was a kind of surprising and really good experience was that there was a third part of me that was welcoming the weekend alone as an opportunity to get this all over with. In some of my previous posts I have talked about how being home alone is my biggest cue and therefore probably my biggest trigger. The thing however is that I'm not that often home alone at the moment. And while that is good, because porn gets driven to the background more and more, it doesn't allow me to deal with my problems properly. It's like being afraid of spiders and one winter most of the spiders are killed because of the cold, or if you will some exotic spider disease. You know that that winter will be so much better, but when it comes to your anxiety it doesn't really help, because the spiders will reproduce and next winter there will be just as much spiders as last year (in the same way I know I will be home alone again). I want to be able to deal with 'spiders' better and therefore a winter with lots of 'spiders' offers the best opportunity for growth. And it was good to see that part of me was able to see this weekend like that. It was not just a ticket to my happy place, it was not just two days stuffed with danger signs, but it was also a very good opportunity to say no porn and to show myself that I am prefectly able to handle situations like these. And not just that, right before and during the weekend that last part of me got the upper hand. Perhaps this part of me has been there before, but never this strong and in plain sight. So yeah, that felt really good:)
     
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  18. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 45: had some fantasies this morning and even masturbated a little a bit. I decided I'm not gonna worry about it. Sometimes you have sexual needs and that's it:)
     
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  19. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    That's a good attitude: don't give it any more power. But be careful not to be starting a new pyre.. ..
     
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  20. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 51. Yes, the good old pyre:) I cleaned everything up, so I guess I'm fine.

    One thing I'm starting to realize more and more is the effect of all the nonsense I have been telling myself through the years and how that has affected how I look at myself and I how I look at my issues. I'm at the point where when I look at some of the people on this board I seriously think: are we stuck in our lives because we have a problem with porn or are we stuck because of the amount of believes we feed ourselves? Believes are powerful, wether they are true, false or somewhere in between. And it's not just the big believes, there are so many small things we tell ourselves that as long as we believe in them and see them as the truth or a truth will hold us back. Things like all these red lights flashing whenever we cross a hairline. Perhaps that works for some people, but to me it's a problem in itself. I might even go as far as saying the solution has become to the problem. So right now, that's the problem I'm dealing with:)
     

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