Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Living

    Living Active Member

    Don't get me wrong here, I'm not giving myself a free pass to watch porn. It's not like I want porn to be part of my life. I just don't think that my self-defeating attitude towards watching porn has contributed in a positive way in the progress I've made along the way. The feelings of guilt and shame towards myself and my closest ones, the anxiety, this voice in the back of my mind telling me I'm an addict when I have a weak moment once in every four weeks or so. The fact that we set back our counters as if all the progress we made along the way didn't matter at all. I wonder: is the downward spiral created by porn or by things we tell ourselves after we have watched porn? The answer might be different for everyone ofcourse, but I doubt porn would effect me the way it does if I wouldn't be so hard on myself when I have a slip. And let's be honest: when I compare my journal to certain other journals I'm not even that hard on myself;)

    Well, in a way: yes. I don't know if I would understand the way I escaped from my problems if I wouldn't have spend this much time discussing porn. To me that has been a major breakthrough and had a positive effect on dealing with certain things I avoided for a long time. However, I don't think the self-defeating views on my porn viewing were necessary to get to that point.
     
  2. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Very good question and the answer is probably a mix of the two.

    You see, just like you I also had an extremely judgmental attitude towards myself relapsing. I felt like a failure and whatnot. It took me a long time before I realized this attitude does more harm than good. Other guys in this forum suffer immensely because they still have this attitude.

    I guess it's a learning process to figure out that we should love ourselves first and foremost. We have our intentions clear, but our minds don't always cooperate. That's just how it is.
     
    Living likes this.
  3. Living

    Living Active Member

    Indeed, this is one the most important things I've learned after years of believing that I was broken. I also agree that the answer to the question is likely to be a mix of of the two.

    Three good things:
    1. I did the four mile run two weeks ago and did pretty well. The motivation I get from training towards a goal felt really good. So next week I got an 8 km run planned:)
    2. When I work a lot I find it hard to find the time to do serious meditations. Today I did my first 20 minute meditation in a few weeksand that felt really good. I'm going to try to do that after work again a couple times this week. Looking forward to that.
    3. My girlfriend gave me an extension tube for our camera to do macro photography. I already tried a bit of this and it's really fun. It's another way to engage with my environment.
     
    Last edited: Oct 27, 2018
    cjm likes this.
  4. Living

    Living Active Member

    Been doing pretty good. I find it rather hard to even consider PMO when I work full-time. It's like I don't have the time for it. Since my thesis is done now and I'm planning on working a lot that's a very positive thing.

    Three good things:
    1. I managed to do 20 meditations after work. It takes some effort and sometimes I'm way too tired to do a solid meditation, but at least I do it and I get the benefits too ofcourse.
    2. The project I'm working on right now is partly because a colleague who runs the project really wanted me in his team. Yesterday my girlfriend told me that another colleague who is also a colleague of her at the uni wants me in his time for an upcoming project too. It's always nice to hear that people appreciate your work like that:)
    3. Did a 7,5 km run after work. I find it easier to do run or workout after work than meditation, but still it takes some effort to push myself to do so.
     
    Gilgamesh likes this.
  5. Living

    Living Active Member

    Haven't been here in a while. Things have been going on and off. Lately they have been going off mainly. Struggling with stress and too little sleep and watching porn more than I would like. The worst thing is the guild and shame I feel about watching porn though. In turn that creates even more stress and less sleep, so it's time I get out of this loop. To me this probably the biggest problem right now. I was rather reluctant about getting back here, because like I have mentioned before, it's hard to quit porn when you focus on quiting porn. Perhaps there is someone who knows a website that doesn't focus on quiting, but rather on making positive steps in your life in general. If anyone can recommend me a site I would be forever gratefull!

    In the meanwhile I'm going to get back to my meditation practices. That has slipped too:)
     
    occams_razor likes this.
  6. Living

    Living Active Member

    Fucked up. Wanted to make a good start, but spend the entire day watching porn. Feel pretty bad about it, but I guess I have to move on.

    It appears I forgot that I need a plan to do this. To get a bit of momemtum I'm going to try to go 5 days without porn (in any form) and meditate daily for at least 10 minutes. It's not a great plan yet, but it should be enough to get started.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2019
  7. Living

    Living Active Member

    Halfway day 1. Did a 20 minute meditation which felt really good and about to do some productive stuff. I do feel urges though, lots of them. While a part of me wants get this over with and live a life I find more rich then what I'm doing now there's ofcourse also the part that's like "Dude, another day or two won't make that much difference. Go watch some porn, it will be the most awesome thing you ever felt!". I'm trying to ignore that last part of me, but at the moment he is shouting pretty loud:) The good thing is that I have been in this position before and know I can handle it.
     
    TheScriabin likes this.
  8. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^Yeah that’s totally normal and a great thing to be aware of and accept. I’ve found acknowledging this truth quite helpful which keeps me away from denying that I love porn: porn is both at the same time amazing, and poison, such is life, ying and yang. What goes up, must come down. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction etc. Putting all that energy that you have into other things is the best way to beat the cravings.
     
    Living likes this.
  9. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Great to see you back here!

    IMO this board is more than any other about focusing on making positive steps. In every journal you can read about the values, activities, interests, health effects and possibilities that come along with the new life without (or with less) porn. Your journal included. I enjoyed so much reading your posts about birds, food, running, tea, etc. Looking forward to seeing more of that!
     
    Living, -Luke- and TheScriabin like this.
  10. Living

    Living Active Member

    @TheScriabin: I fully agree. To me that post was in fact an acknowledgement that this was going on. With things going not the way I would like them I have been lying to myself too much. I have to make myself see again what is really going on.

    @Gilgamesh: I can understand that you took my post that way, but it wasn't exactly what I meant. This forum has helped me without a question, but it mainly helped me in the beginning of a streaks (like the first 30 days or so). The thing is that (in my opinion) after a while you have to let go of porn. But when I'm on here talking about quitting porn and reading and commenting on other peoples struggles with porn, I'm still confronted with porn a whole lot. Not actual porn, but we still talk about it a lot, right? That way it's hard to let go. At least for me it is. I think it's most healthy to not focus on the thing you quit too much (looking back) but on the positive steps you make (looking forward). Sure, we do that here too, but what I was looking for is a forum that doesn't focus on porn at all. Just a forum where you can talk about making positive steps with all kinds of people and not only people struggling with porn. I think that might be something that works better for me (after the initial weeks). Or at least I could try how that works out for me.

    Oh, and I made this awesome beetroot soda bread today Combining veggies and bread. It's very easy to make (it doesn't need to rise because it's a soda bread) and taste is great. You add fennel and caraway seeds for extra taste: yum. Takes about an hour to make including 40 minutes in the oven. Do try!

    https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/nov/07/beetroot-caraway-soda-bread-recipe-anna-jones
     
  11. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 2. Day 1 went pretty well. The urges were there, but I could manage those. This morning I woke up with urges though and that turned into fantasizing. I looked something up on my phone that was a step out of line. It wasn't porn, but a step too far none the less. What usually happens when I have watched porn too much is that I have this constant feeling of missing out. I know however that if I push on and also meditate more these feelings will decrease. Though I have to admit these feelings have never really gone away. I guess that's not uncommon, but it doesn't feel good when it happens.

    Today I have already done a 5 minute meditation before work, but planning on doing a longer one when I get home. Yesterday's long meditation did feel really good. Kind of like coming home:)
     
    Last edited: Mar 26, 2019
  12. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 3. The rest of yesterday went fine. Did a 7k run which felt really good. I did a walking meditation, but I didn't do a long sitting (which I did want to do). So that's in plan for today. First gonna go to the gym, do groceries, eat and meditate. Sounds like good plan:) Today went good too. I did have urges, but since I was working there was nothing I could with them anyway.
     
  13. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 4. Yesterday went pretty good. Today seems to go well too, although the urges are there. I don't have any time to act upon them, so I'm not that worried.
     
  14. TrueSelf

    TrueSelf Member

    This part caught my eye. I'm curious what you are referring to missing out on?
     
  15. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 7. Been doing well the last few days. Some urges, but nothing major. Had a really fun day with my girlfriend yesterday. The weather was great so we did some gardening and went out for diner together. I also did a 7k run in the morning which didn't go too well, because I went a bit too quick after a breakfast with steal cut oats:) Did another 11k run this morning and that went really well. I bought a good sports watch a few months back and that really stimulates me to run. Being able to see that I actually make progress really works for me. Going to watch a football match with my friends later on:)
     
  16. Living

    Living Active Member

    Basically porn-like sex with hot young women:) I am physically attracted to my girlfriend without a doubt, but my sex drive is bigger than hers. While I find that perfectly acceptable under normal circumstances, when I watch porn a lot I get this idea that I'm missing out.
     
    TrueSelf likes this.
  17. Living

    Living Active Member

    Day 9: on average things are going well. I don't have a lot of trouble to stay away from porn and what really helps me a lot is seriously picking up my meditation habits again. The last few months I did meditate, but just these short Headspace meditations before sleep. They help a bit ofcourse, but there is a difference with sitting down for 10 to 20 minutes and well...meditate:) I've started a Headspace-course on self-esteem (which is something I really lack) and that works very well for me. I'm not sure how it affects my self-esteem, but I am learning to deal with situations where I feel down. I have tried quite a few of the courses and what I like about this one is that it focuses on this place in your head that is always there and where you can just let things be. It´s quite a simple concept, but I like it a lot:)

    One of the things that is a bit troubling is that I have a day off tomorrow. I work a minimum of 32 hours a week and often I work 40, but today it turned out there was no work tomorrow. I don't really need the money that bad and there are a whole lot of things I can do, but days off like this have lately become the days when I would watch porn. So there's a neural highway that links being at home without my girlfriend with sliding my pants down and masturbate to porn all day. Since I knew that I might have a day off this week part of me was waving banners and cheering "Porn! Porn! Porn!" Ofcourse I should do some of all those other things I can do (doing some choirs and trying out this new board game I bought that works awesome with one player), but having urges like these are kind of unsettling at the moment.

    Another thing that has been troubling me, is that I have accepted that I feel lonely. I love being with my girlfriend, but I see my friends not as much as I would like. Things grew this way when I got into a relationship with my girlfriend. I'm the kind of guy that will see his friends a lot less when he has a girlfriend, but besides that a lot of my friends moved away and there were some issues in my main circle of friends which didn't help either. Sunday I watched a football game with some of them and just felt out or something. Now, this is ofcourse partly my lack of self esteem, but still. Even though I spend time with them I actually felt lonely. That was kind of a tough thing to realize. It something that I should be working on, but not sure how yet.
     
  18. Eternity

    Eternity Patience

    I'd say definitely try to avoid staying at home on the day off if you think that it may end badly. A day off should be a positive thing, but when work is what keeps us safe, it's the opposite.

    It's the same for me, seeing progress makes it much more fun. I've tried to train on feel, but there's something about the data which adds another level.

    Do you feel lonely when with your girlfriend too?
     
    Living likes this.
  19. Living

    Living Active Member

    Thanks @Eternity ! I do see the day off as a positive thing too though, it's just that it troubles me too. As for avoiding staying at home: if I feel too tempted and the voice in my head that cheers "Porn! Porn! Porn!" becomes too loud that's definitly an option. But I do believe it's most important to dissociate being home alone with watching porn and I think the only (or best) way to do is going against those urges again and again. Sure, there might be the risk of a slip, but if I don't try it will only for increase the association of being home alone and porn. Anyway, I seem to do okay. I have got some things done and planning on doing some gardening and playing my new boardgame in the afternoon:)

    Thank God I don't! Nah, being with my girlfriend feels like being home. Besides from the occasional argument and such it feels really good to be with her:)
     
  20. Gilgamesh

    Gilgamesh Seize the day

    Wise words. Noted.
     
    Living likes this.

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