Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Do you have a good understanding of how you were building the pyre this time? Did you try to find a way to break it down? I guess there's a lot of thesis stress involved in the pyre. In my experience that is the kind of nagging stress that is there all the time and even when it seems to be gone after exercise or meditation, it just pops up out of nowhere at any time. I am sure you're delivering a great piece of work that you can be proud of. And I think that looking back at the whole process, you even learned to deal better with that kind of stress, making it a very valuable experience on different levels.
    Living likes this.
  2. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Congrats on finishing your thesis! I hope that the 'what's next' will materialize soon for you. I am sure that a new direction, a new challenge, will motivate you on more than one aspect of life. keep it up!
    Living likes this.
  3. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    That's interesting. I can understand it intuitively. Actually I have had that with different accomplishments as well. Could it be that it has to do with expectations? The illusion that everything will magically be better, just after we did a,b,c…., only to find out that live is basically still the same?

    Seems you're doing well indeed. Keep up the meditations!
    Living and cjm like this.
  4. Thebeg

    Thebeg Well-Known Member

    Yes urges creep up most often when we're not that occupied with stuff. So the sooner you can get active, the safer you are.
    Living likes this.
  5. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Are you trying to make us food addicts here?!:mad:;):D

    Nice man. Keep it up!
    Living likes this.
  6. Intothewild89

    Intothewild89 Active Member

    Man I love that feeling. I always benefit from meditation after 6 or 7 days into sobriety. It's like I enter this calm chamber and every thought that's been nagging me gets muted. It's one of my favorite states of being, and the calm I get from the deep breathing always carries my into the next day. I never feel better than I do at those times. Congrats on day 20 bro!
    Raskolnikov and Living like this.
  7. Fry2

    Fry2 Well-Known Member

    Congratulations on 3 weeks clean and all the good news. :)
    Living likes this.
  8. Outsider.

    Outsider. Turning Simple Disciplines Into Massive Success

    You got it mate. True.
    Living likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Would there be other ways for you and your partner to find eachother sexually, e.g. tantra or karezza?
    Living likes this.
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Well, it's not like she doesn't enjoy the sex. When we do have sex she loves it. So that's not the problem. I don't really understand what the actual problem is. Besides, I really doubt tantra is her kind of thing:) But perhaps I should read about a bit.

    GF is a way for a few days. I gave in to my urges just now and watched some porn and masturbated a bit. Not sure what to think about it. On the hand this is something I don't really need in my life right now, but on the other hand I do have my sexual needs. I don't believe I acted out of addiction or that I did it to escape something, I guess sometimes I'm just horny. This is something I'm kinda struggling with right now. I'm doing pretty good in average and gave my life a serious positive boost, but when the sex with my girlfriend is not enough for me, how do I see masturbation? Am I okay with that? Am I not? Should I be okay with that? How do I deal with healthy sexual needs? I'm not talking daily masturbation here, but sometimes it's nice to release yourself sexually, right? I just don't know, but what I do know is that telling myself I'm no good when I do masturbate (with or without porn) doesn't do me any good. Anyway, I pick up my backpack again and continue towards where I want to go:)
    TheScriabin and cjm like this.
  11. cjm

    cjm Well-Known Member

    you know what, ive been thinking about that. I don't think there is a definite answer. Its not like porn, or masturbation are inherently 100% bad, If you think about it, there are definitely positives and negatives depending on the person and their own circumstances :)

    but like a lot of things, too much of either is most likely not going to be a good thing

    with the GF is it jsut the frequency of the sex that's not enough? Ive been with women before and if they are not in the mood, they'll give a BJ or something. Does she understand your situation?
    Living likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I agree, but I believe our primary goal should be to lead a fulfilling life. What I have come to realize the last few months is that it wasn't porn that was my problem, porn was was just one of the ways I dealt with my problems. While learning to stay away from porn for longer periods of time did improve the quality of my life in certain ways, being here also changed my views on porn and my relationship to porn in a way that has impacted my life in a negative way. For example, viewing myself as an addict didn't do my self image any good. And every time I do slip/relapse I feel much worse about myself than I should. I try to watch if I'm heading in the right direction as much as possible, but I still put way more value to porn than does me good. Like using counters or talking about porn with all these people on here. The focus shouldn't be on porn, it should be on dealing with my problems in a healthy way. And if I can deal with my problems in a healthy way and watch porn once a month because I need a little bit relief, I think I should be fine with that.

    Yes and no:) Ofcourse it's a bit more complicated. I guess what I find most important is the intimacy and therefore the frequency is more important to me than what kind of sex we have. I do have stuff I like ofcourse, but I guess I can accept the sex we have. I don't think my girlfriend understands my situation. But what I think has had a bigger influence on our sexlife is how I have been the last couple of years. My thesis has been a rather big deal in how it affected me, her and us. It was stressful and made me feel bad about myself. I had a low self image and was often aggitated. I can't say the last few years I have shown the best version of myself. I guess that has made my girlfriend feel powerless and down too. She tried to support me, but I can fully understand how all that had an effect on her wants for sex too. The last couple of months I have seen our relationship blossoming and I hope that will effect our sex life in a positive way too.
    cjm likes this.
  13. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Because I didn't want to give it more attention than it deserves I didn't write yesterday that I pmo'd on monday. I still don't want to give it that attention, but what I do find worth mentioning is that after this happened I bounced back up and by focussing on the right things I'm still in that state of content that I experienced over the last few months. I was slightly worried that I would be aggitated during the day and by that causing stress between me and my girlfriend. That didn't happen. When my girlfriend came back home she was sad because her parents are moving from her childhood house. So I comforted her by listening to what she wanted to say, acknowledging that I understood that she was sad about that, getting her a cup of tea and just giving her a break. I always dealt with things like that in the way I would like to be comforted: with solutions. The past year though I started paying more attention to what it is she needs at times like that and that is one of the things that really improved our relationship. Besides that I did some more stuff around the house that needed to be done and had a great evening with Indonesian food, a crime serie and after that reading a book.

    Three good things:
    1. Since I've graduated I'm able to work more often and getting more work offered too. This week is a bit quiet, but from monday on I have two months fully booked:) It's for a company I really enjoy working for and although I'm not sure yet if a permanent contract is an option with them, right now they can give me more than enough work to get by. I'm really looking forward to it. The last couple of years have been tough with not working full time because of my thesis and I think working for them will definitly give a boost to my self-image.
    2. The garden is still looking awesome. Some summerflowers are still blooming and late flowers like aster are just now starting to bloom. The tomatoes didn't ripe, but the chard is still growing and hopefully continues to grow well into winter. We had a great year garden-wise and next year might even be better because the willow is chopped. There are not so many birds right now, but I think they will be back when winter is coming. Really looking forward to that. Last year we had a big group of siskins that visited our garden on a daily basis.
    3. Getting all these things around the house done that I didn't really have time for before is really fulfilling. I brought around 40 books to a shop that sells books to support charities and I'm going to bring in some other stuff to a local second hand store. It's nice to hand stuff you don't really need another to people that are really happy with it.
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  14. TheScriabin

    TheScriabin Well-Known Member

    ^A really nice post to read :) Can you not encourage more birds to your garden with feeders?
    Living likes this.
  15. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I actually do that, but birds always come in waves. Right now there is more than enough food around, so that means less birds. I think I could encourage them more by spreading more seeds on the ground, but this time of the year that will mainly attract pigeons:) But when winter comes and there is less food my garden becomes bird heaven.
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Been away for a few weeks. I did PMO for a few times after my last post, but didn't watch any porn for the last 10 days or so. It's kind of a paradox right now. I feel like I should be okay with watching porn, but on the other hand I don't think it's something I need in my life right now. I have been feeling broken for way too long. Broken in too many ways. My thesis, not having a steady job, my stuttering, my social anxiety and also my porn use. Looking back one of the most retarded things I did was believing I had a porn addiction and telling my GF and parents about it. Porn was just an escape, my happy place. Yes, I had to deal with the things I have had trouble with, but porn never was the real problem.
  17. staythecourse

    staythecourse Well-Known Member

    Symptom of the problem. Problems get stuffed down. The part that sucks is you have to deal with the problems when you put down the booze/crack/sex/porn/food, whatever. Its incredibly painful, but hey some people wait till they are 60 yrs old to deal with it.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your input @staythecourse. I think this is something we disagree on. If you would read my journal you would see that I am dealing with my problems and making some serious progress with that. The fact that I have watched porn a few times does very little to diminish that progress.
  19. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think its a complicated matter. Porn often is just the symptom of the real problem, but I think also the key to solving those problems. In a sense I see my porn problems as a blessing, because they boosted self-development. I think this holds for you too.

    I think your present attitude is a healthy one, but always stay aware of the fact that porn can lead you to a downward spiral and become a problem on its own, interfering with your connectivity to your closest ones.
    staythecourse and Living like this.
  20. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Don't get me wrong here, I'm not giving myself a free pass to watch porn. It's not like I want porn to be part of my life. I just don't think that my self-defeating attitude towards watching porn has contributed in a positive way in the progress I've made along the way. The feelings of guilt and shame towards myself and my closest ones, the anxiety, this voice in the back of my mind telling me I'm an addict when I have a weak moment once in every four weeks or so. The fact that we set back our counters as if all the progress we made along the way didn't matter at all. I wonder: is the downward spiral created by porn or by things we tell ourselves after we have watched porn? The answer might be different for everyone ofcourse, but I doubt porn would effect me the way it does if I wouldn't be so hard on myself when I have a slip. And let's be honest: when I compare my journal to certain other journals I'm not even that hard on myself;)

    Well, in a way: yes. I don't know if I would understand the way I escaped from my problems if I wouldn't have spend this much time discussing porn. To me that has been a major breakthrough and had a positive effect on dealing with certain things I avoided for a long time. However, I don't think the self-defeating views on my porn viewing were necessary to get to that point.

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