Farewell happy place

Discussion in 'Ages 30-39' started by Living, Jan 31, 2018.

  1. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    Indeed! You have everything it takes to do this, and now it is just a matter of doing it: having some nice days on your own and spend them in a healthy way.

    Awesome how you changed your stamce towards your sister in law. A small action, with extremely powerful positive effects!
    Living likes this.
  2. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Thanx guys! I don't want to make this situation too positive, but with my girlfriend working from home I actually didn't have a lot of opportunities to grow on the front of dealing with urges. Ofcourse I have been working on other things and made some great steps, but in a way I do welcome this opportunity. I mean, I am still worried, but that's what you do when you care about something, right? I have already made some plans for the week. I think I will limit my time on the computer a bit more and spend a bit more time on things I really value. I got a couple of books I really want to read. One of them is a book I heard about on Springwatch called The Wild Remedy by Emma Mitchell which is about how nature effects us. Another good thing is that now I can set my clock really early to get out in nature when the sun rises (or maybe a little bit later). And I'm going to visit my parents. So there really is enough good stuff to do:)

    Reason why I am doing this:
    -Because living a fullfilling life doesn't just drop on your doorstep. You need to cultivate and maintain. It's tough work sometimes and other times things just flow easily, but it's all worth it:)

    Three good things:
    -I did an interval training this morning and I had three kilometer laps around 4:30. I think it's the first time since my injury that I had several laps like that, so huray for that:)
    -One of the things I have done with limiting my phone use is no longer using an app for meditation. HeadSpace has really helped me to get the hang of meditation and it motivated me a lot, but let's be real: you don't really need an app to meditate. The last couple of months I replaced my meditations with the Progressive Muscle Relaxation exercises and this weekend I just felt like sitting on a meditation cushion and doing a meditation. I have actually missed that. I have done it a couple more times this week and it just feels really good!
    -I did some rearranging in the garden and it's looking even better than before and is buzzing with insects:)
  3. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I'm a bit in limbo. The being home alone for a couple of days thing has got to me. It's about where I stand and where I want to go. The thing is overall I'm doing fine, more than fine. Sure, I still have issues, but who doesn't. Besides, I am still going to work on at least some of those. But the way I respond to the idea of being home alone and how I feel about that, I'm really not sure if that's healthy. I can see why I do not want to engage in porn, but the way this occupies my mind and my actions and the shame and stuff like that...I don't know. When I first came here and I did have issues with porn, but my mind wasn't occupied in that way. Perhaps I have taken things too far. And that's not a new thing, it's something I have had my doubts about before. And it's not just the home alone thing. This week I replied to a topic in the general section which referred to NoFap and since I'm not that familiar with NoFap I googled it to see if my unfunded view made a bit of sense. What came up was pretty much how I felt about it, but with a whole lot of extra information. And reading that made me kind of uncomfortable. Ofcourse YBR is not the same as NoFap, but still. I don't know, although I enjoy the company here and the way you all try to help each other, perhaps it's time to realize that this is in the end not really the place for me. So I have decided that I will stay her for the next couple of days to make sure this is not 'short term me' trying to trick me into porn and then I guess it's time to move on.

    Reason why I am doing this:
    -I guess in the end I just want to be normal:)

    Three good things:
    -For tens of times I have come across the warning that you should let out some air every now and then when you ferment drinks in bottles. This is because due to the fermentation process gasses are created and the pressure builts up in the bottles. Now I have fermented drinks a couple of times before and I always was kinda dissappointed that there wasn't a lot of pressure when I opened the bottles. With a good brew at the end you would notice ofcourse, but it was not in the range of exploding bottles. Since my last gingerbeers took a little bit to long to complete I decided to tweak things a bit. The gingerbug is getting more mature, so that should already help and I fed the bug right before I added it the mixture to have it nice and active. And yeah, it was also a bit warmer, so I was hopeful things would get going in a less time. In didn't expect what happened this morning though. I took one of the new bottles (I made one with lime/lemon/chilly and one with green tea/aloe vera) and I was actually considering giving it a good shake, which I luckily did not. I just pushed the flip-top and there was this big 'POOOOOOOF'. I had my face above the opening and all this build up gas sprayed in my face like a cloud of smoke. You know those cartoon situations where an experiment goes wrong and the lab guy looks dumbfounded with his hair all wild? That was pretty much how I felt:) And after that happened you could see the gasses swirling in the bottle like there was some sort of smoke in the bottle. And I was like 'WHAT THE FUCK???'. But it was ofcourse awesome that it had fermented that well. Have to careful that it doesn't go too quick, because I don't have the intention to make the drinks alcoholic. I guess you should have been there to be as enthousiastic about this as I am. But to draw a picture of the impact: the rubber gasket was actually blown from the stopper and lay a couple of meters from the bottle:)
    -I really enjoy my runs in the other park. It's a bit further from my home (as in: not across the street like the park where I used to run), but it's so lot bigger and more diverse. I have come across squirrels more than once:) It's also less crowded, which I find really nice. And half of my run are trails, so that's good too. I ran another 17 km this morning and I really start to enjoy those longer distances.
    -This weekend I have gotten some neglected stuff done in the garden. That felt really good:)
  4. Shady

    Shady Active Member

    My advice, spend the day outside and only go home when you are too tired to stay awake.
    Do this for a few months till you're off the hook.
    Living likes this.
  5. BoughtWithBlood

    BoughtWithBlood Active Member

    Good plan on spending some days to see if this idea is just something that popped up, or really the next step on your journey. If it’s time to move on and leave this forum behind, then it’s time. You can always come back if you miss it or it turns out to be a wrong decision.
    Living likes this.
  6. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I am not sure if I understand what you mean. Are you saying that you're too neurotic about this issue? Do you feel that shame is your primary motivation now to not act out?

    I wonder sometimes what my main motivation is to be active on this board. I have been here for a long long time. But I keep coming back. The main reason is that I feel the need to talk about porn-related issues and that I can't really share them with real life people. Well, I can ofcourse, but I have decided to not do so. Here I can just write down what is on my mind (well almost completely) and just the idea that it is read by others, helps me quite a lot. I don't think it has to be that black/white that you are either posting here or not. You can also do so ad hoc.

    :D:D:D That was funny to read. I have once tried to make ginger ale. In PET bottles. But I also hardly had any gas in there. Maybe I should give it another try as well . . . using safety glasses ;)
    Living likes this.
  7. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    @Shady: Thanx for the advice. To be honest, I'm not really certain what the advice is foro_O

    @BoughtWithBlood: Thank you!

    @Gil79: I guess what the problem to me is is that I no longer know if the problems I'm experiencing are due to an addiction or stubborn brain structures or due to a problem I have created myself by repeating these things to myself and reading about it for years. And sure, the brain structures are there and that is part of the problem, but I seriously start to question if I'm not making this problem a lot bigger than it is. And we know that is partly true too. I mean, the shame is something that I have created myself and that is not helping me. But right now I think it might be bigger than just the shame.* I don't think shame is my primary motivation at the moment. It's fear. Fear that if I will not make it through these next couple of days I will be stuck in this forever. And that I will never be the person I want to be. That's a fucked up motivation. And if that fear was rational, I guess I could accept that, but that's the thing. I don't know anymore what the basis is for the fear.

    The thing is that if (part of) my problem is something I have created by headdiving into these boards and believing what was written (which is what I worry about), the most sensible thing to me is getting away from this board. I wish I could just switch off this belief, but when you read it about regularly you will be influenced by it. At least I am. I think in the last couple of years I have taken an alternative path on this board where I have tried to not get influenced by these ideas, but it still gets to me. If you read over and over again how we are all addicts and see all these slips from guys that try their best, I can not turn that off. And to be honest, I have trouble staying away from this board too. Even when I'm not posting here for a while I often do read some of your journals on a daily basis.

    *Just an example of how being here has affected me: I never had ED-issues before I came here and at first it didn't really affect me either. But then after my first big streak which was like 250 days and I had sex with my girlfriend again I just couldn't get hard. And after that it happened a few times more. It didn't have anything to do with watching porn, but with me buying into things I read here over and over again. I'm not saying that's the problem of this board, but I can't deny that it doesn't affect me.
    Thelongwayhome27 and Gil79 like this.
  8. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I can really recommend it. I'm not sure what made it active like this, but compared to my previous experiences this really was absurd:)
    Gil79 likes this.
  9. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think I understand what you mean. Ideally we extract from this board what is useful to us and we leave the rest for what it is, but it is also really difficult to not get absorbed, and yes, maybe even too much. As I told you the other day, I really like you positive and pragmatic view on things (I am also a little bit surprised to see this side of you now) and it is a good counterbalance to other poster which focus more abstaining. I think that for the people which are open to it your contribution here is really significant. I have been on and off this board and different times with different views. Sometimes more focus on the underlying issues, sometimes more focused on the brain chemistry. I have been away from the board for quite a while as well. Maybe for the same reason as you describe, I don't know. I guess it was not so conscious. In that period porn actually wasn't even a problem for me anymore. Not as it was before. But after 2 years or so, probably after a big binge, I realized that I don't want to have it in my life anymore. I don't think that porn or masturbation is bad on itself, but I just don't want it to be part of what I do and if I am not staying aware of it, it easily escalates again to more frequent use. I am not directly afraid of erection issues, but I believe the science and reports here on the board and I just don't want to take the risk. I hope you can get a little bit more relaxed about it these days. Maybe it is indeed a good a day to have a break from all of this and get a bit of perspective on it. Maybe we're addicts, maybe we're just 'gulzig' (that's how my psychologist described my porn use), but we're so much more than that!
    Living and Thelongwayhome27 like this.
  10. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    First things first. I PMO'd. I'm not going to go into what brought it up, because I simply don't know. What I can tell is that the frustration of what I wrote about in my previous post and how I felt played a role and that's not something that is desired, so I can't say I'm perfectly happy with the PMO. Need to move on.

    @Gil79: I hugely appreciate your post. In a post a while back I mentioned being tired of feeling broken and while that has become less these days I'm still pretty tired of feeling broken. And I think one of the reasons for that is being on this forum too long too much. I think what we do is the outcome of the total of what we have experienced and me having or having had issues with porn and reading about guys stuck in porn addiction on a daily base it will affect me one way or another. It's not something that enters my mind and leaves again. It leaves a mark. And it's also like I posted in another topic last week: we might no longer be watching porn, but we are still dealing with porn on a daily basis. To not feel broken I think I have to let go of porn and to me that means letting go of this forum too.

    Just curious: why is that? I notice similar reactions with people that actually know me quite well, while I think I'm always pretty open and straightforward about my issues.
  11. Thelongwayhome27

    Thelongwayhome27 Well-Known Member

    Yeah I also feel we are putting ourselves in a kind of self imposed prison at times with all these beliefs about porn. They serve in helping us stay away from porn but there is something about it that doesn't feel right to me. They become such a part of our identity, that we perpetuate them. So it becomes a kind of trap. And this doesn't mean porn was not a problem at all or that the whole thing is an illusion. I would just think that past a certain point it potentially does more harm then good.

    The first time I actually broke 30 days I was off this forum and was focusing on other things. I was still aware that porn is not good for me and was careful with it. But staying off porn was not the No. 10 midfielder on my team if you know what I mean. It was just another important player.

    I feel like when I just count days and report on here what day I am on and what has happened today I am putting unneeded pressure on myself.

    Also, in my opinion, we are better served if we compare our PMO problem to binge eating not substance abuse. That's why we should not focus so obsessively on pure abstention like people do when they need to get off cocaine or heroin (or other dangerous substances). Also we need to be realistic that relapse is much more likely for something like PMO or binge eating. Because it's something we still need to do (sexual activity or eating).
    Living likes this.
  12. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I agree with that and it's good you point out that it doesn't mean that 'porn was not a problem at all or that the whole thing is an illusion'. I feel about that the same way and it was not my intention to suggest anything like that. I do believe that the way I used porn before I came here was unquestionably problematic and it was good that I did something about that. But I guess what worries me is that I did not take away the problem, but instead replaced that problem with a different problem and that's the self-imposed prison you are refering to. Seeing how I have been dealing with my issues over the last two years I believe I should be able to deal with porn just fine. Not to say I'm never going to slip and fall ever again, but I should be able to deal with it. And I believe that right now the thing that sometimes keeps me struggling is not so much porn itself, but rather my beliefs about porn and the worries how it affects me.
    Thelongwayhome27 likes this.
  13. Gil79

    Gil79 Seize the day

    I think because there is typically a healthy balance in your posts. Many guys here often reach a point in which they don't seem to know how to proceed. You always seem to know which way to go and put things in perspective. The 3 good things is good example of that. Thinking about it, maybe once before I had the idea that you were off-balance, and that was in the period you were finishing your thesis. All in all, you're one of the few I worry least about ;).
    Living likes this.
  14. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I didn't really plan to leave the board just now, but I was rather busy and looking a bit where I wanted things to go. Being away for a few weeks felt really good and I'm still planning to stay away for longer, but I haven't said goodbye yet;)

    @Gil79: I see your point. I think the situation with the thesis was quite different though. At that point I was off-balance indeed, but I think that right now I'm at a fork in my journey and I was not completely certain which one to take. I feel I had been travelling the wrong path and I needed to correct that. But it's also tricky. Sometimes what you see is right, is not really right. It takes some time to find out what's really right. Or perhaps the right choice at that moment in your life. I think leaving the board is that choice.

    Reason why I am doing this: because my life deserves it.

    Three good things:
    -Really having a fun project at work!
    -Been offered a different job. I will have a meeting about that this wednesday.
    -Running is going really well:) Really improving on the speed and endurance.
    Gil79, -Luke-, NewStart19 and 3 others like this.
  15. -Luke-

    -Luke- Well-Known Member

    Nice to hear from you @Living. Enjoy the time!
    Living likes this.
  16. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    I will:) While certain aspects of my life have been going better since late july I also needed to get in touch with where I wanted things to go again. Over the last week I did that and it always surprises me how quickly you see and feel the differences. Life is just a whole lot better of you are aware of where you want it to go:)

    Three good things:
    -On wednesday I ran 14 km in 70 minutes. And that includes 10 minutes of warmup and 5 minutes of cool down. I think that over the last couple of weeks I have made some huge steps with running.
    -Because of the running I have lost some weight and my abs are actually starting to show as if I'm a 20 year old:) In the past I have always been somewhere between 78 and 82 kg, but these days I'm 74-75 kg. And it's not just that it improves my physique, but also that it just feels better. My extra weight mainly stuc to my belly and while 5 kg's isn't that much, I can actually notice how I have more space around my midsection. That is literally giving me more freedom. It also makes me realise how much difference losing weight can be for people that have actual weight problems.
    -Since the weather hasn't been all that well during the past week and since I work outside I got to experience that full-blown, I bought some chocolate milk. To me that's kind of a autumn/winter thing, but this week just begged for it. And I do love chocolate. It's one of those things that can actually make me yearn for the colder months:)
    positivef likes this.
  17. positivef

    positivef Active Member

    That is very inspiring. I've been doing a little running but nothing like that level.
  18. Living

    Living Well-Known Member

    Things have been going off and on the last couple of weeks. This is partly due to stress. The job offer I got lost month has become quite serious up to point that I'm 95% sure that I will have a new job next week. And while the job is great and gives me some good possibilities to grow and more important to find joy in my work again, it's also such a big deal that the possibility of not getting the job gives a whole lot of excitement and stress. Careerwise I have felt stuck for years and since last year my girlfriend has the same issue. We are both at a tipping point and that does great a bit of instability. So me getting this new opportunity is rather a big thing. It would be really nice to find a bit of stability again.

    All that has affected me and how I lead my life in a negative way in regard to certain aspects of my life. It's time to get back up again and lead things to a better place. The last couple of days I have had the feeling that I can't do that, but I know I can. I have done so hundreds of times before and there is no reasons why I can't do that now. I need to get my ass back to meditation and enjoying my life again. Perhaps I will write in my journal a bit more regularly for a while too.

    Reason why I am doing this: because I know I can change this in a positive and I don't want to sit and watch how I let my life go in the wrong direction.

    Three good things:
    -The job offer obviously. I had a really good talk with the head of the department I would be working for last week and I really liked his vision. He was also perfectly fine with me just working 4 days which is something I guess I really need. The content of the job was also something that really appealed to me and offers enough possibilities to grow. While part of my job will be the kind of work I do now, another part will be to develop the department in another field and I'm really looking forward to that. My field of work is a rather small world so I already know most of my colleaugues and there are a few I get along with exceptionally well. So I really hope I can work with them soon.
    -Yesterday my therapist called me and we are going to start EMDR next week. I have not been to therapy for a couple of months due to her being pregnant and her replacement and me not really working out, so I'm looking for to that.
    -Sunday I ran half a marathon for the first time:) I have already been running 18km a few times in a low heart rate zone, so conditionwise it wasn't that big of a deal, but as an accomplishment it's something I'm really proud of. I wanted to do that before I would turn 40, so I can put a check next to that.

    @positivef: thanks man! To me running is a pretty big deal and it really helps me to get my life in the right direction. Not only with losing a bit of weight, but also with how I feel about myself. I can recommend it to everybody:)

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